Useless Ramblings...

Headache

2007-07-30T15:18:00.001-05:00

been busy....been dogsitting and staying at the house at nite.

my mom said a few things about my hair pulling. i didnt appreciate it. she said it is a serious thing, but she always thot i was doing it for her attention. like when i would pull my eye lashes. or she thought that i picked it up. read something or saw something online and just started doing it. no, wrong both times. i told her it started well before middle school. i told her an incident when someone noticed my lashes missing..in middle school..and she was like, oh i didnt realize that..and i think she said im sorry. who knows. it just pissed me off.

i think my lexapro or combination of abilify is helping the pulling.. havent felt the urge or havent pulled. so thats good.

i have a headache

i am really behind on my faves and stuff. so im sorry. thanks for the notes, tho.

got some books at the library. but im not low on concentration and focus to actually read them. oh well.

Proud

2007-07-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

well im very proud of myself. i laid down around 1:16 and set my alarm for 2:30. my mom told me i should clear off my walls and shelves and put blue tape down. since i will be painting my walls this weekend. so after laying down. i thot i would just get up and do that. im glad i did it then, cus if i would have slept and then did it, i would want to lie back down again, but wouldnt have time. my back and shoulders got really tense when i was moving stuff around. that always happens. so since i did it now, i might be able to lay back down, i dont know. then i put some blue tape on the floor molding, i didnt do much, but did get a good start.

i had my last compeer painting lesson. but i decided to not go cus i was tired. but since i didnt lay down. who knows i may end up dropping by. it wouldnt hurt.

i got my hair cut today. new style and even felt daring and got some bangs. ill try to post photos.
and i will took pictures of my last two watercolor paintings. not good, but theyre ok. i will try to post those as well.

i went to the library yesterday and got some books on depression. i read one of them last night.

it was kind of childish, with pictures, so thats why i was able to finish it in one sitting.

it was called. conquering the beat within: how i fought depression and won... and how you can, too by cait irwin. shes like young. but she illustrated it too. there was a chapter in it about symptoms. and i thot i would post the symptoms that related to me and other things too. she called her depression a beast/wolf-like creature. i dont really call my depression anything, but maybe i should..

here are some things i could relate to:

chapter two: symptoms of the beast---sadness, loniless, feeling like your trapped. frustration, stress. always feeling tired and weak. you don't have any drive or ambition, nothing matters; no matter how important it is. slurred or slow speech. headaches. memory loss. " the beast sometimes makes it impossible to fall asleep. "

chapter four: your battle begins now--" watching a good tv show usually helps, too. it was always calming for me to go to a movie because it is quite and peaceful. " I can actually see myself doing that. Plus there are a lot of movies that my parents don't wanna see, so I could just go in town and by myself. It's a small theater so I wouldnt feel overwhelmed. " You can escape and get you mind off your problems for awhile. " Find a hobby... I do need to find a hobby. Something besides photography..soemthing new. " it could be going to the zoo, or being out in nature. " I definately like these things! " Some ways that you can help yourself physically are... Less sugar intake....It's also good to get some vitamins, expecially if you have problems with eating ( I should look into this ). Eat foods with high protien. Exercise.."

chapter five: therapy, hospitalization, and healing--"We started to see a pattern within my depressive behavior. PMS symtpoms and depression symptoms are almost identicical. My hormone levels seemed to be making my depression twice as bad, once a month. That's the last thing you need to deal with!. talk to you therapist or psychiatrist about seeing a gyn. i know it's another dr to see, but it might really help. ( if i had insurance, i'd do this ) it helped me to start taking hormone pills. they didnt interfere with my antidepressants. "

new hair cut:

glasses

no glasses

heres a random before shot...kind of recent.

water colors:

QuickEDIT

2007-07-25T13:33:00.000-05:00

gotta make this short.

but im frustrated..

went to a new therapist.. made the mistake of telling her everything. after all, thats when you get the most out of therapy if youre honest.

told her i have trichotillomania. she like laughed or was like whats that. i told her where i pull. and she was like oh gosh, (made these weird noises) doesnt that hurt?made me feel real good.

the most logical thing would be to go to a nother therapist. but when youre unemployed and cant get public assistance or insurance, you pretty much just have to go with the county mental health center..

i have more to write. but i cant write it all wright now.

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so my appt didnt go so well. ....

she seems very relaxed and laid back, but still i didnt get good vibes from her, just from what all went on. i try not to judge ppl on the outside, so i am basing my opinions on other things

so like i said above.. she kind of laughed at my hair pulling.

maybe its cus i dont know how to do therapy. she asked what my history was and what worked didnt work. i jsut said i was some meds and none really helped. and i was just in talk therapy... nothing specific.

she kept on asking my questions, which is fine. but then asked me if i had any questions for her. i dont know what im supposed to ask. and i was never in that situation. so i just kept saying no.
then she looked at my individual treatment plan and saw that the cae manager put i had low motivation. she like made all these loud sighs (plus the whole time too). and was pretty much like, i dont know what i can do about that... my interrpretation was there is no help. i cant remember what all she said. but she did say something like maybe i am just going to be like the way i am for the rest of my life. i almost cried. but kept it in. i wanted her to call my mom and tell her what we talked about, bc i knew i wouldnt remember .. but she said that wasnt necessary. so whatever. she wants me parents to come in to talk with her. about my history, how i was in the past and how i am now. so whatever. my mom will be out of town, so my dad will come. i mean obviously i have some motivation, since i showed up. but whatever. then she mentioned some psych testing. cept they dont pay for it. could be 80 bucks or more or less. i guess she wants me to get her done for her benefit. so we dont spend our sessions wasting time to get through to me or whatever. she said the next couple of appts will be just getting know to me. whatever.. its pretty hard...

so that appt was at 11. and by the time it was finished i was exhausted, felt like the afternoon. but i still had some more stuff to do...

before the appt i had to get my tb test read. attempt to drop off my application at laurel oaks. ended up mailing it. then went to the library to get some books on depression. i hope i can read them. since i cant conentrate very well.

then had the appt.

came home ate. my dad and i went to ace to get paint for my room.

came home and eventually took a nap from 3 to 6 about.

thats my day

tomorrow, i have a hair appt. and compeer's painting lessons thing.

Busy day, today

2007-07-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

so i had a busy day today...

had a dentist appt at 10,45. thot i had a cavity, but didnt. wonder how much theyll charge me.
went to pick jesse up around 11,15. we went to lunch. and then odd lots and walmart. it was fun.

but i dont know if i wanna do it again. yeah i was a bit uncomfortable bc of my social skills, but i felt peerpressured into buying stuff. oh well. i think i will return everything i bought tho. he may have been in a manic stage or something, super high and wanted to buy everything! i bought stuff i didnt need. and i need to stop buying stuff so yeah..

i had a 2,30 appt in blanchester and wanted to be on the road for that by 2. my mom called around 1,50 seeing where i was. told her i was at my car at walmart and about to take jesse home. so then i was freaking out by the time, but how late it was. and i still needed to get something at my house. so i swung by my house and picked some things up. dropped jesse off at his place. and then called my mom cus i was freaking out. i was not going to be at the drs by 2,30 and i just didnt know what to do. and i had forgotten a piece of paper for the whole reason why i made the appt (i had to have the dr fill out a medical cert. like a physical). so my mom ended up calling the drs. and i went back home and picked it up. and drove one. i called my mom, she said they said i had to be there by 2,45. i was freaking out and crying, and reaally not well enough to drive over there, but i did. got there around 2,45. they said theyd have to ask the dr if i was too late. turns out they had an opening at 3. so i waited. it worked out fine. i told her some other concerns and i feel so dumb. i always go in the wth these bizarre concerns and she always tells me its nothing to worry about it or says its the medicine im on. i am so frustrated with no knowing whats wrong with me. i am determined to find out why i feel so bad. its mentally , but also physically. and before the dr came in,, i got my vitals. the lady took my pulse on the left, and said, mmm lemme check the other arm, youre usually not that high/fast. checked the toher one, same thing. i was thinking to myself, myaybe finally something will be wrong, everything will ctach up with me and something will be wrong... but no.. nothing.. whatever...

so thats that... oh yeah i got the physical, bc i think i am going to do an stna program. its a 2 week long course./program. not too excited about it and not too devasted. i just dont care. ill try it. but then go from there. i dont know. stna stands for state tested nurse assistant.. like a nurse aide. who knows what ill dow ith it..

sorry for the typos. i feel so shaking and just cant type rihgt.

everything seems like a huge effort for me.. typing, reading, walking, etc. i cant even sleep at night .. i go to bed early. lie there. and eventually fall asleep, but then ill wake up several times a night. i cant drive very well. im surprised i havent killed anyone. i always freak out. cus im like. oh shit, i didnt see that person/car.. etc.. i dont know. i feel like im in a daze all the time and esp. while driving. yeah i know some ppl get hypnotized while driving.. but this is different.

im lonely.. im tired... god i dont know.

see my new therapist tomorrow. ill see how that goes. im sure ill have something to write about from that..

i dont know. im getting a headache.

Shake, Shake, shake

2007-07-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

first off, i am sorry... i havent been keeping up on my favorites. maybe on a non busy day when

im not so completely tired, i will catch up on things. so yeah, im sorry.

thanks for you notes though. i dont wanna leave a note on an entry that i havent read. so i will
leave a general thanks in here. and yeah i guess im still able to write an entry, but too tired to read one.. i dont know. sorry if i sound selfish..

so today.. got up around 8:15. left the house around 9:30 for columbus. me and my mom drove up to my sisters apt. my sister took me shopping. went to a cute restaurant.. cosi's. good food. then went to filiene's basement. i got like 5 shirts and one pair of nice pants. for my bday, my sister got me a 50 dollar personal shopping spree. well that was in may. and we finally got around to doing it. she has good tastes and stuff i wouldnt have thot would look good on me, i ended up getting. i need to add up my savings. cus the store sells designer clothing for cheap. anyways, she spent like twice the amount she was suppose to. and my mom bought me a pair of pants as well. oh well. i appreciate it tho. but then i treat them, mainly my mom, like dirt... i get so damn irritable and tense these days. got some jeni's ice cream. had to do that! then drove home.

well actually we drove to dayton to meet my dad to see hair spray. my sister and husband, my parents and me. it was good. finny. then we drove home and went for pizza. came back here and looked at their honeymoon pictures.

i have been noticing it more and more. and have noticed it before i went on this new medicine. that i shake. and something my whole body feels like its shaking. my mouth quivers or whatever. and my head shakes. kind of like im body or shivering, but im not. so i have no idea what thats about. but i have no insurance so i cant go to a dr.

im kind of depressed about my last entry. i only got one post/reply to it on the board. but thats not why im depressed. i just see my sister and her husband, and just yearn for something like that.. i dont know.. oh well.

im tired. but i just 'had' to get on here. and i wanted to write about my shakiness..

Shakira=Awesome!!

2007-07-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

I just posted this on a group I am in on Myspace. The Asexual group. Anyways.. here it is:

Hey all. Just thought I could post this in here.What if someone is not interested in dating anyone (guy or girl)? What does that make them? I know labels aren't accurate and polite, etc. But is that normal. Okay, well it's me. I won't put someone because it makes it complicated to write about. I mean, it could be because I am on anti-depressants and have been for several years.
But other than that I can't explain it or haven't a clue as to why I feel this way. I am pretty darn sure I am asexual. I have no desire to have sex. It grosses me out. Even kissing grosses me out. I sound like a little girl, but it's true. That's how I feel. But I thought anti-depressants just decrease the sexual desire. So why don't I want to be attracted to anyone? I know no one is going to have answers on here. But is there anyone else like me. ??I have been meaning to post this on here, for some time. So I apologize if this doesn;t belong on this board. -------
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Then I have this to add, which I didn't post on Myspace because I forgot.

I have been wanting someone in my life. So maybe I am attracted to someone. Or maybe it's because I have no friends and just feel so alone. I don't know. But I want to go to dating sites and look for ppl. Probably because I am lonely. I am glad I didn't post this part, cus it's jumbling and really is irrevelent. But yeah, I don't know which sex to choose. I am a woman, yeah..
Seeking a Male or Female.... That is when I don't know what to choose. So I don't know. I am fearful that this is not making any sense..

Got some CDs in the mail today...Shakira: Oral Fixation Vol2. Natalie Merchant: Retrospective. Norah Jones: Feel like home. and Come away with me... I don't think that's the album title. But I got the two earliest albums by her, NOT the more recent one.

I'm listening to Shakira right now. I love her voice!

Nothing much happened today.

In fact, I didn't really go out of the house today.. well I went out more than most days. I did go out to Ace and Blockbuster with my dad after supper. And took a walk with my dog and parents.

Man, there's this HP thing going on in our town. It's fucking redicoulous! Tons of people. But whatever. If it brings in revenue for this town, then good. Ha, I sound so funny!

Jesse called to see if I wanted to go to lunch next week. He left a message, and said he'd call back later. But I went ahead and called him. Talked for a bit. He's funny. But I need some more adjectives to say on the phone. I am so bland when I am on the phone.. well in person too. But we are going to lunch next week.

I think I am worse off than him. He goes to AA meetings. Granted, they are full of felons and gross people. But at least he gets some social stimulation and intereaction. I have no one... Blah.

Oh well.

Okay, Getting a headache.. again.. No idea why I have these headaches.. But yeah. fourth day in a row.

I'm burning up..

2007-07-19T00:37:00.000-05:00

god i feel sick.. i have this huge fear of throwing up..

ihavent felt so great the past two days. tues nite i had a headache of some sort. my stomach hurt and i was dizzy and stuff. today, wednesday, i had a migraine/headache for the last half of the day. now my stomach hurts. it hurt after eating dinner. it feels how my stomach feels before i am about to have diarhhea. sorry tmi, i dont care.. but i am constipated so its just the feeling and no diarrhea.

i dont know anyone..

so i thot it would be a good idea to become a volunteer for the compeer program.. being on the giving end instead of the receiveing end. the application has a reference section. i have to put 4 down. i only have three. barely two or one. but yeah.. so i wont be able to put a forth down. its so hard filling out apps, bc of references.. no wonder i dont have a job..

uhm.. i finally have an appt with a therapist at the center... cept its the person who i didnt want to be with. i usually dont judge ppl by their looks. but in this case i am.. oh well. i have an appt. wednesday. so wish me luck..

i laid down around 1130pm tonite. and couldnt fall asleep. the weather alert went off around midnight. i got up and turned it off...felt really dixxy and came back to bed... felt naucious. then i thot id turn the tv on and check the weather. so i watched tv for a bit then.. then turned it off. laid back down.. then came on here.. i cannot sleep. i dont think im really tired tho.. i dont know..

i should be cleaning my room during times like these. but im afraid bugs will be hiding underneath a pile and itll freak me out.. since its dark and nighttime. yeah im weird..

uhg i got a headache and feel funny... this sucks..

its thundering again.. blah.. i hope the electtricty doesnt go off

my mom is thinking about getting a dog. i think its weird. but i think she wants to get another one for her or oscar. i dont know why she is thinking about getting another dog. its not going to replace chester.. so who knows.. shes looking online at humane societys and resuce sites. it has to be non shedding and hypo allergenic for me. so i dont know what will come of it

tomorrow im going for a volunteer lunch for compeer. to a buffet. sounds terrible to me, right now. i hope i feel halfway better tomorrow. then i have the painting lessons with the group. i acutally like that. i wish i could get the same supplies and paint on my own. but its probly expensice.

sorry for the typos.. i dont feel like correcting them

i dontknow what else to writeabout..

Kind of random

2007-07-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

Kind of random, but I left this note on someone's journal. The wrote about Sleep anxiety. The title, excited me, because I experience it..'cept anxiety of sleep. No idea if that's the same thing.. But here's the note. I don't feel like re writing it.

Thanks for the article. I think I anxiety of sleep. If there is a difference.. But I am tired. But I know if I lie down, I will not fall asleep right away. So I end up thinking and worrying about stuff. Instead of lieing down, I stay up-watch a movie or tc, go on the internet. I do all this even though I am so exhausted. I have this fear that I won't be able to sleep 'cus I will be thinking...

....and I guess that really doesn't make sense..But oh well. And I have heard watching tv or being on the computer before bed, stimulates the brain too much. And then it keeps you from sleeping. Soooo.. Im screwing my self over. Or, maybe from doing all that, it racks my brain and that's why I think and worry when I'm lieing down. So.. sorry for randomness and whatever. The article was good.

sadness

2007-07-15T18:47:00.000-05:00

i dont know. i had been feeling so-so later in the week. today was ok. until i found out one girl i went to school with is getting married.. i found it out thru facebook, of all places.. actually i found out someone else was getting married , thru facebook, as well. i kind of competed with her in hs. and it just makes me sad. im not even remotely interested in dating or to be in a relationship. and everyone seems like they are getting married. i dont know. it makes me sad.. and then i think, if i only i would have been friends with her, i could have maybe at least been invited to the wedding.. i dont know.

..in more detail..

so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.

ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.

i did start new medicines..

i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..

my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.

i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.

my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..

my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.

so today..

2007-07-11T22:57:00.000-05:00

so today...

got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.

i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.

started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..

actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.

then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.

then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..

then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.

came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.

and thats that.. i think..

i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.

i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.

i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.

ok my hands hurt.

i think thats all i wanted to write about..

oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..

ciao

none

2007-07-10T23:55:00.000-05:00

so i dont know.

im so incredibly depressed and alone.

sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.

saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.

then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.

monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..

tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..

i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..

i feel trapped...

i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.

no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..

Photos

2007-07-07T01:22:00.001-05:00

Pink Hibiscus Flower

None

2007-07-06T18:18:00.000-05:00

so im depressed. i need to cry, but what good will that do.. nothing.. i think when my mood changes from good to bad, thats when i get all tense.. i dont know. just an observation..
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.

i dont know.

i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.

i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.

SI TRIGGER

i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.

END

i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..

my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..

end...

**photos in the previous entry**

PHOTOS

2007-07-06T15:19:00.000-05:00

A pink flower bud on tree. I don't know what kind of tree/flower it is. Then I tried to get the rain droplet. It sort of showed up.

I have never taken photographs of fireworks. All of these have been cropped. I like this one.

Number 2

I really like this one. It reminds me of a galaxy image or something similar, not sure what it's called.

Number 4

This one was low to the ground. For some reason I wanted the ground/street lights to be in the photo (that's why I didn't cut it out).

S.hare O.ur S.trength

2007-07-04T23:07:00.000-05:00

12:05am Thursday, July 05, 2007

I wanna do something. I want to have a bake sale. I saw an ad with this link, on tv: www.greatamericanbakesale.org i feel so selfish for sitting on my ass and not doing anything. while i am being lazy and down, i could be helping others. instead of throwing out uneaten food or eating food that ultimately makes me feel worse, i could be giving that food, money, and time to hungry children. i went to the GAB sale website. i think i could do something like that. but i highly doubt its as easy as it sounds. youhave to know ppl, you have to be outgoing and have leadership. so i am gonna look online and see what i can find. i really wanna do this. maybe theres a meet up nearby. im sure theres nothing in my town, but maybe in another town. ill check out meetup.com or whatever it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

fireworks were fine. just got me out of the house. took the tripod and my digital, but the pics sucked. guess i need to read up on how to take good fireworks shots. but you only have a once a year chance to photograph or practice here, atleast in my town/area.

idk still feeling trapped.

im a selfish peice of shit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

edit:

so the video embed thing didnt work. maybe you can just click the first youtube link.. its a video on the sos org. share our strength, end child hunger

Hi

2007-07-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

theres a bunch of concerts i wanna go to, but on one to go with. and im not going with my mom. i should probly try going to one by myself. but i dont know. if i could do it. and once i buy a ticket, i would feel obligated to stay, cus i paid for it and then end up staying just for that reason, and not have a good time.. i dont know.. whatever

my parents got back today. ... god...

they left fri morning, and came back this afternoon. i loved being here on my own. i really didnt do anything, but it was free of tension and no argueing and no yelling or anything. i really liked it.

i was completely honest with them and said i didnt miss them and i didnt want them coming back. so yeah. we all have been yelling at eachother. i can feel the tension. and i am feel trapped once again. i have no where to go. yeah i have a car, but where am i gonna drive to and id have to end up coming back here anyways, so its dumb.

uhm i dont know. so i worked my ass off yesterday cleaning the house up for my mom. but then she is going to re-clean everything. i knew that would happen, but god it really irritates me that she does that.

we are having two ladies stay with us thrusday nite. i think im supposed to entertain them. im hoping they just go straight to bed thurs day nite. but who knows. they are partof the indian children's chorus. i wanted to host some kids, but i guess we called too late. so we have the two teachers. the performance is 7pm on thrus. and then i have to take them back to church around 8:45 on fri. short time.

had the bvr appt. i had written down all the prospects i had been doing on my own and all the ways i have tried comunicating with her. and was planning on reading it. but didnt.. she admitted it was her fault or their fault having to contact me so late. i was just like, ok. and didnt say thats ok. cus its not ok, and i wasnt going to accept her apology. so the first step of the plan is to get some vocational testing. so i will see if she ever calls me back. cus she had called in april or may saying she was going to call a vocational testing place. turned out she just left a msg and neither the testing place or her got back with eachother. and thats pretty much what is happening here. she called while i was there to see her and left a msg with someone. so i will call her mon or tues and check up on it.

i have no idea what i wanna do. i told her some ideas. i like working with old peopl, maybe stna stuff, or something similiar. i like animals and i have an office cert. but thats all i said. allong with teh vocational testing, i will be getting a psych test as well. which is good. i havent had one of those in several years. so i definately wanna do the testing and i will be reimbursed for milage bc its out of town. ha, nothing like that here where i am.. so yeah

so i guess my neighbor did not die after all.

i went over and chatted the the wife monday or tuesday afternoon. it was fine. and i guess she cant see very well, so i didnt feel intimadated or shy-like. thats good. i guess thats the good thing about old people. they cant see very well and probly really dont care if youre ugly at all, they just like the company. so i felt good that i went and saw her. i took her one trash bag out to the curb for her. so yeah i guess i was over the monday, cus trash gets picked up around 4am on tues.

my dad and i might go to the fireworks. just sit in a parking lot near by. i may take pictures. altho i am afraid he will start lecturing me.. god, oh well. maybe ill take oscar. or something, i dont know.. whatever

Poop

2007-07-01T18:38:00.000-05:00

i wonder if anyone ever journals while going to the bathroom or while having sex.. is that even possible?

okay well i drove up to columbus saturday. ocscar came. the ride up wasnt bad, he sat in his seat thing i made him. when i got there, i unloaded stuff and took him into my sister's apt. and then me and my sister were going to go shopping while mark, her husband, stayed home with the dog. yeah well we didnt shop, by the time we found a parking space, mark had already called three times. he kept calling bc oscar wouldnt stop whining or settle down. i guess he isnt a dog person. he obviously was freaking out. well i should say this.. they arent allowed to have pets in the apt.. so, thats why he was freaking out. and i guess they called the police on the nieghbors the night before, and the neighbors know that bevin called the police on them. so i guess they were worried about them paying bevin and mark back.. so yeah. finally the third time he called. we had to go back home. it sucked, cus bc of oscar we couldnt do our plans. he is just so attached to me and freaks out when im not around. makes me feel loved, though. so we stayed in and played games. then since we couldnt go out to eat, we took a walk and thot we were gonna eat at some mini street fair. but ended up coming home. got some kfc, and dessert at giant eagle and then took a picnic supper to the park. played a few games there. then came home and watched ice age 2. so it wasnt a complete bust. the picnic was nice and i lile playing games. i even told my sister that we could just put him in kennel, but later i was thinking, that wouldnt have worked, cus i dont have any medical records on him, well with me. so yeah. it was fine. i think they were ready for oscar to leave. and i wanted to get home.

when i was leaving, oscar started barking, and bevin freaked out and was yelling at him and then telling me he cant bark and i needed to stop him from barking. i really dont think i over-reacted. i thot it wasnt a big deal. we were walking out the door, just one or two barks werent gonna matter. so when i got out the door. she was like,***, dont be like that. i guess she thot i was over-reacting or something. who knows. but no im gonna be like me, and im not gonna change. i remeber her friends were having a conlifct or dont get along anytmore and one of them wants the other to change. when the girl who was told to change, was like, no, this is me, and im not gnna change fore you. that incident reminded me of that. it pisses me. she does this all the time. we are not always gonna get along. and when i act like im over-reacting just dealt with it.

earlier she and i were talking about this compeer program. i agree i am one of the most normal persons in it. but she coudlnt understand why i was even having amentor. i was like, uhm depression, and anxiety. she said something like well depression is so common these days, i dont really think its an issue. then shes like, well i guess it could be considered a mental illness, but 1 in 5 ppl are depressed. that pissed me off. but its true. no one really takes depression seriously. but no one has said that to me face.. im surprised i didnt start crying, but of course she would have yelled at me for 'over reacting' whatever...

i have a bvr appt tomorrow. no idea whats supposed to happen. bvr is supposed to help me get a job. and i have tried to contact this counselor for ages and im just now getting a meeting with her.. i dont know. i dont feel like explain it. im already making tons of typos...

so my appt at the MH place was fine. i met with a case manager. she looked fairly normal. had to get an isp, kind of like a treatment plan. nothing moving forward from that, tho.

civil service test was fine. i thot it was harder than the mail messenger one. this one was for clerk 1 and 2. stopped over at bevins after the test.

thursday..dentist appt. he offered to refund my money for the bite splint. bc there is nothing he can do.. talked about me seeing an oral surgeon, yeah right, i dont have any insurance. so i was like can i just try it for a bit longer and then come back. thinking i would be dedicated to wear it at least several hours a day for a week.

i think one of our neighbors died. we call him chairman. he always sat outside and looked or watched the nieghborhood. and smoked. he was old. 80s probly. but he went into the hospital to have a procedure done. maybe last week or last wednesday. guess after the surgery, there were complications. fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, and his kidney were failing. so he was in icu. then i got a call from the wife, this moening, she left a msg. saying to just keep an eye on her place when were in and out. she is pretty old too, worse off then what her husband is/was. think shes almost blind and cant hear real well and uses a walker. i thought about going over the this evening. but i think i will go tomorrow. see if she needs anything. i wanted to be the first one to stop by. but who knows who all she called. bu my dad used to go over and talk to chairman. so i may go over tomorrow.

joanna came over friday. we hung out around the house. i suck at entertaining, so it was kind of awkward when i ddint know what to do or say. we watched norbit and ordered pizza. not sure if she liked it or not. shes really christian-y and i am just afraid some parts were inapporpite or risque. it was ok. some parts funny.

.

i dont know i guess thats it, for now.

--Photos--

2007-06-25T19:10:00.000-05:00

Action shot of my doggie--He is shaking

Call me weird...I don't care.. So he is a squatter!! (he's peeing)

Random moon on a terra cotta planter

Well a package come for me, filled with goodies for the dog. A doggie harness for car rides, some hydrocortosone spray, and a cooling bandana. This is him in the harness. He was so confused and terrified. he would not move. Poor guy. The bandana is too small, so I will exchange it.

The back of him.. I swear it reminds me of someone in bondage! LOL I watched Guys and Balls last nite, so I have this bondage image in my mind. ;)

View of my patio from my SkyChair

Butterfly on a Black eyed Susan

Again

Blurry

Another one

I think this is called a Blackle Sweet Potato Vine

need a reason..

2007-06-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

this week i have a busy week.. as far as appointments..

tuesday...an appt with some case manager person at the local MH place

wednesday...civil service test up in cbus

thursday...dentist appt

friday...i think joanna and i are going to do something. not really an appt but yeah..

i feel so trapped. thanks goodness two people are online. even tho, its not really helping, but it is keeping my company..
i dont know.

i think my parents are getting more frustrated with me. circling jobs in the paper, printing out postings online, saying so and so is hiring as we drive by places. and my mom keeps saying, all you need *** is a job, then things will be fine.

i am getting sick of this. its sunday night. and the work week will be here any time. i will be home alone m-f while my parents are at work. most likely i will sleep the days away. there are some things i wanna do. but i dont always do them. like i have so many magazines that are piled up. and i feel guilty for having my parents buy the subcriptions when i dont read them. so i wanna read them all and then move on to the next ones. or i want or need to clean my room. its rather dusty. i wanna do some mind puzzles. its seems like when ever i think really hard or try to concentrate really hard, by head hurts or i get a headache. it fucking sucks. maybe it means i dont use my brain that often.. who knows. i was trying to do sudoku and my hidden picture puzzles. i couldnt concentrate nor think, and i just ached in my head..

i am starting to feel worthless. dont know what i never tagged that feeling for me. but yeah.. cus professionals would always ask, do you feel worthless? and id say no. i had other feelings.. like a waste, or pointess or stuff like that. but now worthless is being added to the list of emotions or feelings.

i am not going anywhere. i feel like i am in quick sand or cement, i guess. im stuck and cant move forward.

yeah im sure most non depression-plaqued people would say, get off your ass, but it doesnt work that way. im sorry. just getting a job is not gonna help.
it fucking sucks cus depression or any other illnesses i have, do NOT run in my family.. im the odd ball.

and i watched intervention earlier. i fucking hate myself for not being able to numb myself with drugs or alcohol. im too much of a chicken. it was about an alcoholic and stuff. being a mom with three children. most of the time, i act the same way the ppl on intervention act. but all i have is depression. theres not help or treatment, intensively for depression. so im fucked. i dont know.
my head is starting to hurt. and my jaw is getting tense along with other body parts. maybe i need to cry, i dont know. but that never helps. nothing ever helps.

i was listening to music but it was getting on my nerves. i think i also had it on to keep my company. but yeah, turned it off. i was getting a headache too.

I hate coming up with titles

2007-06-24T00:29:00.000-05:00

1:20am
Sunday, June 24, 2007

Just finished watching Copying Beethoven. That was a good movie! I watched Little Fish earlier with my parents. But I had no clue what was going on..So Copying Beethoven was much better and easy to understand ;)

Got up around 9:45. My mom and I headed over to this Lavender Field Day thing, it was like outside of Hillsboro. That was neat..Had some Lavender ice cream. Sounds gross, but it was tasty. Tastes just the way it smells, if that makes sense. Bought I pretty necklace/pendant and a sachet of lavender.

Drove back into Hillboro. But on the way back I wanted to go down a road that had an Amish horse and buggy raod sign/cossing thing. We drove for a while, then came across these wild dogs.. Three dogs came out from a tree/woody area. I got sad, cus they looked dumped or stray. My mom said they were wild dogs. I was like, whatever. Drove some more, but my mom wanted to turn around. Then on the way back the dogs were gone. I was like...I bet those dogs were telling us to turn there..they were leading us to the Amish. Jokingly, but who knows.. We obviously never saw any Amish.

Went to kmart. I bought a interesting top, which I would have never thought it would work on me. and then some stretchy capris and tank top. I was trying stuff on, and I looked way fat and everything. But most stuff fit or was too big, and usually I wear an XL and was able to get a L. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow, who knows..

Got home and I went to my Grandparents to see their dogs. then came back and went to Blockbuster with my Dad. He grilled pork chops and so we had that for dinner. Then we watched Little Fish, of course way too complicated for me. My parents went to bed, and I just finished my movie. I am tired, and my eyes are dry and need to be shut, but I got online.. That's that!

I posted some pics before this entry. So feel free to see them. I didn't post all the pictures, but yeah,... I only took half a dozen pics of the lavender. I think there are two in the entry before and one of some cat. But there really wasnt much to take pictures of.

OK...

Photos

2007-06-23T19:34:00.001-05:00

Saw this cat in the window at the http://www.springbrooklavender.com/ (Lavender Field Day) - unfortunately you can see my reflection.

Lavender.

My grandparent's dog, Bambi.

Lavender - was trying to get a closeup of the beetle.

Black-eyed Susans in our yard.

The center on this one was swirly - tried to capture.

A different view of the flower.

Kind of dark, but I found this frog in our backyard.

Not sure what happened to the bottom, but yeah, this is a better picture of the frog.

**Photos

2007-06-22T14:53:00.001-05:00

My dog playing with his KONG.
Trying to get a close-up up his nose..Didn't work too well.
Taken earlier this year. Looking up into the sky.
Thought it was cool that I could capture him yawning!
Not sure what flower this is, but I can find out.

Not sure what tree this is. Taken a few months ago.
Came out blurry. But trying to capture the rain droplets on the cushion outside.
Same as above, but not blurry, and no idea why it's so small.
Capturing the storm/rain clouds from inside my car.
Trying to get a bugs eye view of the rain drops. But my garage floor is lower than the driveway.

Hurt

2007-06-21T22:31:00.001-05:00

so i just IMed my my childhood best friend. of course we arent buddy buddy now, but i still occasionally IM/email her. but i asked, how are you? she said busy wedding planning and working. i knew what she meant.. (another person my age and/or past friend is getting married). but i said wedding planning? and she said, yeah, did you see my facebook? i was like, no. its so crazy that ppl communicate thru facebook and all that shit. i dont know i am jealous that everyone is moving forward, getting married, and being successful. and im mad that i had to learn about her wedding thru IM.. but we arent friends, really now. so its to be expected.. i guess.

went to a compeer thing tonite. ice cream..bring your favorite topping.. i was the youngest there. as usual. just about everyone in that group is in a clique. i dont know. i felt out of place, but i thot id better stay, it would be good for me. even tho i didnt see anything positive out of it.. just being outside and not in the house.. thats it. i think ppl see me as being shy. but really i am depressed. i hardly laughed at anything. and when michelle, the leader would speak about me in front of ppl i just wanted to run away.. shed go like, so, ** are you finished with classes? i was like well i havent taken any for a long time, she said, oh so you have the whole summer off? yep... and everyone was like thats nice, i wish i could have that.. then some woman was bragging, or probly just telling everyone about how she is in school or something. shes my cousin's age, one year younger that myself.. so she has already graduated from a four year school. god i dont know. im depressed, when i speak up.. i feel dumb, and so i never do it.. but i am for certain that ppl just think im shy and not severely depressed. its sad, that i cant tell ppl. but really theres nothing to do..

my piano is out of tune or something. it like happened in a day.. its always been out of tune, but i was playing it yesterday and i noticed it... it didnt sound that good at all. so i told my mom we need to fix it and i was like it needs to be fixed before she goes on her vacation.. so i can have at least one thing to do while i am home alone.

i am a waste. i have no point. i have no purpose. ppl cannot see i am hurting. i am untreatable. i am broken. i cannot be fixed.

stupid mom

2007-06-20T17:17:00.000-05:00

6:16pm

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

i heard on the news, just a few minutes ago, that ohio or maybe it was the country ,is going to make insurance avaliable to all the parents of chroniclly ill children, regardless of income.. i said, oh, too bad im not a child (mainly cus i dont have ins.).. and my mom said well you dont have a chronic illness either.. i was like, well i am pretty sure i have chronic depression, not sure if that counts, tho... and she goes.. well i think all you need is a job and a little independance.

she really is in denial and just thinks everything i do is an excuse for not getting a job. i am not crying, yet. but i can feel my body getting tense..

i dont know..more later, tho..

nothing..

2007-06-20T01:15:00.000-05:00

2 am

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

well im not sure if my parents are going to HI or not.

i am so tired..my eyes are watering and itchy.. not sure if i wrote about it or not. but i tried listening to music..while in bed, but i think i zoned out and just started thinking... my mind will not stop. i need a sedative or something... i didnt go to bed until aroun 4:30 yesterday. it about 2 now. i was talking to myself/pretend friend, about this situation.. but now i can remember what i was saying...dont ask about the pretend friend..thing... but yeah. it pisses me off that i cant sleep...and then i have heard its bad to be on the computer or watch tv right before bed.. something about making the brain active.. or i dont know... if you do those things its hard for you to get to sleep. well i am pretty much screwing myself over..then, arent i?

so yeah, i think i wrote about how my psyciatrist suggested americorps. i emailed.. yes emailed, i am a dumbass, my mom about it.. then she brought up a good point.. i like my space and with those programs you have to share living quarters. and so it probly wouldnt work out so great. so got disappointed again. i honestly dont know what kind of job i can do. i sill emailed all the places in OH for more information. so whatever..

walmart called me about a job opening on saturday. well actually they didnt say it was walmart, but yeah. i guess they assume everyone in this town knows the number for walmart. god..but yeah that place is so disorganized, i mean for a HUGE company like that, they should do better. but i swear i only knew the persons first name.. and well hard ot explain.. after i went thru several ppl and got to talk to this person.. it was a cashier position. i dont want that...

i went to a curbside recycling meeting for this town.. it was ok. but lasted forever, so i left early.. people are obviously close minded and dont care about the environment. most of them there, wanted an incentive for recycling.. god, cant you just do it for the environment and the surroundings? obviously not. i guess there is more to it than that.. but i dont know. ...

Left out.........again

2007-06-18T21:17:00.001-05:00

10:14pm
Monday, June 18, 2007
so i found out that my parents are taking a cruise to HI in february 08. and im not invited. it hurts so bad. i dont understand. they say that i can come, only if i stay in the same room as them. i dont even think cruise ship rooms can have 3 ppl in them. anyways, i cant share a room wtih them, esp at nighttime, the snore so much. but my cousins and aunt and uncle just took a cruise and they had two rooms, on for the girls and one for the parents. why cant we get two rooms? what if i paid for half the cost of another room? or even half the cost or all of the cost of my ticket.? i dont know. i like travelling, but not always with family. so i dont even know if it would work out. but i am still hurt that i am not invited..

Failure

2007-06-17T23:51:00.000-05:00

12:42am

Monday, June 18, 2007

i think i know why i cant sleep at night. i dont like just lieing there doing nothing. i mean i do do nothing all day throughout the day. but at night its different. everything and everyone is pretty much dead to the world, and eachother. so i try to occupy myself until i get so tired that i cannot stand it. surfing the net, watching tv, whatever. so i think that makes sense. then last nite i was surfing online for depression personal pages. some guy had a page..very out dated, but he said that he was always listening to music. bc if he wasnt, his mind would be racing and he would be thinking and worrying. damn, i cant believe i never thot of doing that. so i think i may try that. of course i will be focusing on the music and lyrics, but i think its better than worrying about everything and thinking non stop...

so after saying yes i would go up to columbus or no i wont.. back and forth. i said no. my mom asked me this morning if i was.. i said no. then later i said yes. then no. then yes, got everything packed up and was very close to leaving. i just need a few more directions. i was putting my cds into my mom's car, for the drive. she comes out and says, that they both (mom and dad) would be fine with me not going, at all. i dont even have to go tomorrow morning and drive from here to columbus. so then i was still freaking out. i couldnt make a fucking decision. something is definately wrong. my head felt like it was going to explode, and i needed to cry so bad. so i just said fine, ill stay home. yes its a big relief. but i feel like such a complete failure...

i keep telling my mom i am not ok, i am not doing so well, etc. whether its in general or remembering/forgetting things or other things. she never once shows any concern or acts like she believes me. i know she loves me and cares about me and wants whats best, etc.etc. but she never sees it. that why i dont even think if i slit my wrists in front of her, that she would do anything. shed probly just say, oh, ***let me get you a bandaid. or something really stupid and unrelated. and she is concerned about my dad, but never me. it pisses me off

Earlier

2007-06-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

11:53pm

Saturday, June 16, 2007

i feel like a complete idiot.. so i read an article in our crappy newspaper, a couple of days ago. about kroger pulling a glbt related newpaper off their shelves. that pissed me off so bad. so i want to now boycott kroger. the only problem is thats like the only place to grocery shop here. so i am still going to try to do that shopping elsewhere. and then i decided to create a facebook group on this subject. i feel dumb since i did that. of course no one is going to join. i really dont care, but i just feel stupid..

monday i have a civil service test in columbus, about an hour and 15 minute drive from where i live. oh its at 8:30 in the am. i was able to arrange to drive up to my sister's place and stay the night there, by myself, sunday and then drive from her place to the testing site. i still cant make a decision. if i dont go sunday nite, i have to get up around 6am or something. personally i would rather not go and reapply for another test date. and take my chances ... if its at 8:30 again, then maybe it will be different circumstances than now i dont know. so i told my mom i am still not sure. and that i really dont wanna do it anyways. i am not even sure it is an ideal job...its called data processor 1. but yeah.. i keep telling her that i am really scared when i drive. i am so 'not there' while i am behind the wheel, in a daze, just not paying much attention..or something.. but everytime i tell her, she really doesnt respond.

then my dad and mom were talking.. and my dad couldnt remember the last time he didnt 'something'. so my mom was like, you cant remember? ***, I am worried about you. Everytime these situations come up, i always chime in.. oh well, i have that all the time or do that all the time.. not sure where i am going with this. but its completely normal for a 54 year old to forget things. but me, a 23 year old, who doesnt have a busy life.. thats not normal... but whatever.. like i said before she just shrugs it off or ignores.

went shopping today.. i got a book of poems... called solitude... oh yeah.. then a grilling book for my dad for fathers day and a hidden picture puzzle book. i was gonna get two magazines: paste and Ms. but i thot i was already spending enough money..

yeah i think thats all i got.

cant remember what else to say or whatever..

Animals

2007-06-15T17:34:00.001-05:00

wow! i have rescued or helped dogs, rabbits, cats, birds, and now turtles! yes, you could say i am an animal lover.

okay! so some background..my grandparents have two dogs. big dogs. for the past couple of days, one of the dogs, bambi, has been spending a lot of time under their back porch. its dark and dirty under there. so i wanted to go over there yesterday (thursday) and see the dogs. my grandma said i could come over, but she said bambi (my favorite) wouldnt come out from under the porch. they suspected there was an animal under there. so she wanted me to look. so i went over and got a flashlight and looked under the porch. all i could see was this hoof-like object. and of course, that didnt make sense, so we will didnt know what it was. my grandma kept saying how sometime the neighbor's dog get a toy through the fence into their yard, or she thought maybe it was a ham bone that skip, the other dog, buried and bambi found it. i still said it looks like a hoof and it wasnt a bone. it kind of looked like a mini nerf football toy. so i couldnt figure it out and left. today i went over and my grandma said bambi stayed out all nite and wouldnt come in. so obviously she was outside under the porch the whole night, with this thing... so i looked under there once more, with a better flashlight, and still thought the same thing. my grandma asked if i could reach it with a rake or something similar. i was like, yeah probably. so i used a rake and got it out. it was definately a turltle shell!! and it was really bizarre looking. i have never seen anything like it. the shell was kind of dark brownish and had yellow/mustard colored markings on it. it was as big as my hand, maybe larger. i didnt wanna pick it up with my bare hands, so i used some rubber gloves. and my grandma and i looked at it up close. she wouldnt touch it ;). i thought it was dead. it was just a shell. it wasnt hollow. but i didnt see any openings for a head or legs/feet. obviously i dont know my turtle anatomy. soooo... my grandpa looked at it and put it out in the grass by the driveway. he thought he would leave it out overnite and maybe the turtle would still be alive. or something. i was like...okay, well don't throw it out because i wanna show it to my dad. i thot it was dead, completely.. i had taken oscar, my dog, over there. so in the meantime, by dog got out of the house. i was pissed. there is really nothing two old 80+ year olds can do. so he ran down the driveway. but was sniffing at the bushes in their yard. so it wasnt a complete fiasco. i was definately scared, but it turned out fine. when my dog was out of the house, my grandma called my mom. and of course my mom drove over here, she was freaked out as well. okay.. so me, my mom, grandma and grandpa was in the kitchen. my grandpa was looking out the kitchen window. all of a sudden he got all excited and was like, basically making all of us go outside. i dont think i have seen my grandpa move so fast... but the turtle had moved. which is funny, cus turtles are slow.. so my grandpa really didnt need to 'run'. so... my grandpa suspected in came around their house bc of the pool in the backyard. but its covered up. so i have no idea where it came from or how bambi got a hold of it. so my grandpa thought he needed to be near water or in water. so i offered to take him, the turtle, out to the park... soo.. we put him in a plastic grocery bag. he went into his shell. but when my mom and i were headed to the park, it started moving and was making holes in the bag. my mom was laughing at me and i was screeching and freaking out. then i saw one of his limbs stick out of the bag and then these CLAWS!!! i was like really freaking out. cus my mom said he might bite. and then when all this was happening, she was like... he's not gonna bite you. lol whatever. so i made mom stop the car and we put him in the truck. it either went to the bathroom or threw up in the bag, cus there was stuff in it. his head, and two front limbs were sticking out of three different holes. so yeah. put him in the truck. when we got out to the park, he was almost out of the bag. i am surprised.. i would have thot he would be scared and shut himself in his shell. but nooo... so i made sure he got into the water... i brought my camera along. but after the fiasco with it in the car, i was like, screw it! i had to get rid of the thing... no time for pictures. i wish i would have gotten one. cus i wanna know what kind it is. also before we took it out to the park. i seriously thought about keeping it. so i tried getting my mom's attention, and asked. and she was like. NO... we can't-they give off diseases. then i was like, well we could take it too the vet and clean it up.. like shots or something. but it didnt work. i rescued that turtle, and i wanted to keep it.. so thats my story..

started at 11:08pm

2007-06-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

11:10pm**

Thursday, June 14, 2007

watching half nelson at the moment.

im at the scene where the teacher is at his parents/family's house for dinner. he sitting there just observing. he is depressed, i believe. the parents are talking to the brother and DIL. the mom then is about to say something to the teacher, her son. but then the father chimes in about something. so she never finished her thought. reminds me of me. i just sit there whenever there is company or whatever over. like i am so depressed, but no one will notice. i dont know. this scene really hits home.

more later..maybe...

edit- 11:55pm

so there was another scene...dre, the teacher's student. delivered some drugs to the teacher. yeah you have to see the movie.. but that part was powerful.. really..

but good movie. Half Nelson, look it up.

I feel like cutting who nows what i will do. whatever.. you're a chicken, you really are

edit, again-12:59am

so today....what did i do today?

got up around 12:15. had a huge headache. i always get the same type of headaches if i have been in bed too long. so yeah had that.. started my period. no idea that was coming. i say that cus usually a week or so, my moods change and this time, nothing.. maybe its bc my mood is changing because of other shit. or i cant get any moodier that now.. i dont know. then i had to go pick of some strawberries and mail some things for my mom. came home and sat on my ass and played with the dog. then around 6 my mom and i went out to eat. then i came home and went to my grandparents. then i came home and watched half nelson.

i called the state to see if i could reschedule my test on monday. its at 8:30 in the morning. it takes around 1.25 hours to get there. id have to get up around 5:30 6 o'clock. and i drive on my own. not good. but no one called me back..had to leave a msg. then i got this idea that i would drive up to my sister's place sunday, stay the nite, then drive like 10 minutes to the site and come home. but not sure if i am going to do that. no idea if we have a key to her place, cus shell be gone...

called the mental health center here. still got nowhere. left a msg with dawn, who is supposedly my case manager. she never called back. then i got a letter in the mail saying i have a psych evaluation with the psych there. sometime in july. i guess thats good. cus i was thinking i wouldnt be able to see the psych until like next year. cus they all told me that he books up months in advance. but what pisses me off, is they sent a mailing, why couldnt they have just called me.?? or said something to me when i called earlier. ? wth, stupid town/people.

i am gonna try to call tomorrow, both places. ha, i am setting my alarm so i can get up and watch price is right, bob's last show. damn, i have no life. but knowing me, even that wont get me outta bed. wtfe...

yeah im done..

----------
SI Trigger WARNING and maybe TMI...
so i cut. not sure why, but i did. if i wouldnt have done it, it would have been racking my brains until i did it. did that make sense? i was in the bathroom and was thinking..should i cut or not? i just did it. after i wiped the blood up, there werent even gashes on my skin, looked like little paper cuts. god, im a failure at cutting myself. i dont know. but the cuts i made today are nothing compared to the others there.

not good..

2007-06-13T22:56:00.000-05:00

i have an account on daily strength.org i just posted this.. dont feel like editing it.. so yeah..

so i thot there was a thread on here where you could just vent or something.. i couldnt find it..so im sorry i am having to make a new topic..

i was feeling neutral. but then while i was on facebook i started looking at all my 'friends' and then their friends. right after looking at like two profiles, i got this sickening feeling and feeling of sadness. i need someone so bad right now. im not really sure what triggered it, but yeah.. and sometimes i tend to set myself up. i dont know.

i just need someone so bad. im thinking about all kinds of things. like relationships. i used to go on online dating sites. but now i cant. i dont know what i like, male or female. i am not even interested in that. i guess i am just interested in a friend..

no one has time for me online. i used to talk to a lot of ppl last year or before. but now i dont talk to anyone. my aim list is getting smaller and smaller. i will im someone and then they have to go, or i will im someone, and i havent talked to them in a long time (whethere i knew them in person or not), and i wont know what to say. its not gonna help to say, oh i feel depressed. i dont know.

the mental health clinic hasnt called. i need to call tomorrow. i set my alarm for 9,45.. lol doubt i will get up. ill end up letting it go off until it stops beeping..just like every other morning..

so yeah.. sorry for this..

if anyone has aol im you can im me::: Faerie Godess22

8:16pm

2007-06-11T19:16:00.000-05:00

i feel like i havent written in awhile. not much to write about. only things to write on are my worthless, waste, depressing feelings, etc.etc.

got up around 12:15 today. set my alarm for 10:30.. just let it go off. didnt bother turning it off. i think i made some phone calls. i called the bvr person. i dont have my notebook with me. but i have kept track of all the contacts i have made with the mh clinic, bvr, jobs, etc.etc. finally got a hold of her today. i mentioned the date we last talk, may 3. she was like yes, i talk to you then and said i would call the vocational testing place. which she did. but they werent there, so she left a msg, and they never called, and then she never followed through with it. she apologized, but i just said, uh-huh. so i suggested we make an appt for us to talk about things. she doesnt have anything until july 2. and that was that. then when i got off, i thot i should have said other things. called again, twice, then left another voicemail. ill trying calling tomorrow tho. but i want to know what i should do in the meantime, and i am going to explain all the times i have tried contacting her and never got any response.. etc.etc. then i played with my dog some. sat on the couch.. then lied back down, in bed. that was around 3. then got up around 6 for supper. ..

my mom was saying how my grandpa is depressed. i guess he depressed that he is getting old and cant do stuff like he used to and depressed about whats going on in the world. i 'jokingly' said, oh yay, now me and him and hang out. .. whenever i say these things, it like matter of factly or jokingly, but deep down i want someone to 'get it' and take my problems seriously. but my dad just said, oh yeah you both can have a club. ha, whatever.. then my dad was doing some weird things. and my mom said, i worry about you to my dad. and i said something like, well do i scare you when i do weird things.. ? i cant rememebr the exact thing we were talking about. but i think whatever my dad was doing, was scaring my mom. whatever. then i said my thing. and my mom said , no ***, i pretty much just phase you out.. or something like that. i was like.. oh.......thanks... so i dont know. it does make me feel like she is in denial or she just is sick of my problems. afterall, ever since early high school we have been to numerous drs and they all told us that i was fine. but i dont know. i guess she isnt taking me seriously. i have been wearing shorts and not covering up my cuts on my leg. but really nothing has come out of that. i dont think she 'gets' how bad it is. but who knows.. i secretly wish she would email her friends about me and be worried about. i have her password to her email. and check it every once and awhile.. but theres nothing there.

my mom was talking about how she wants to do a hawaiian cruise.. i think it would just be me and my parents or maybe just my parents. but i was like,.,.. oh, i think ill pass. yeah i wanna go. but not with my parents. that sounds horrible.. stuck on a cruise ship with my parents.. then she was saying shes gonna try to book a hotel in charleston, again. she cancelled the last trip she planned to there.. i thot, well maybe id go. but really that doesnt sound like fun.. i dont know.. i feel trapped.

i am driving up to columbus tomorrow to take a civil service exam. i signed up for four positions and have to go up three times. tomorrow is a mail clerk messenger exam. no idea, but i was supposedly qualified and im going to take it. cept i have to drive up with my dad.. its like one hour.. no i hope he doesnt bring up something touchy and then i end up fighting and getting upset.

this sucks..

Except me..

2007-06-08T23:12:00.000-05:00

im depressed.. well okay.. im always depressed. i guess i am having some jealously issues, well i always have issues with jealously.. okay, i dont know then...

everyone is going on trips or vacations except me. my family hasnt done a family vacation for a few years. those are pretty much over. but my parents went to italy last year, i stayed home, of course..wasnt invited. then they are going to VT for a wedding and leisure for a few days. probly be gone about a week. oh, and i think my parents also took a new england cruise last year.. i wasnt invited. my sister and husband are going to italy for their honeymoon. they both were over here for dinner. of course everything is about them. wedding rahs, and glitches. and the travel info for their honeymoon. my cousins, aunt and uncle, are going on a cruise, then one-the same cousin- is going to africa, again. and then the parents are going to italy. and my ex-compeer friend is going on a roadtrip to CAN with her mom and sisters. so yeah.. i dont think i have been anywhere in a long time. thing is.. i really cant going anywhere. im gonna browse the internet in a bit, just fantasize. i really dont know what a bargain is. but i dont have a lot of money. i dont have anyone to go with and i dont wanna go by myself. so im sol.. go me.

and i am getting more and more sick of leaving at home with my parents. but i dont have a job and not enough money to move out. i may call community action monday. i guess they have a sub-division for low income housing near their building. looks nicer then the really low income housing in another part of town. but i have to see what the qualifications are. it may just be for seniors or single females with children. damn, if i got pregnant i could so be eligible for a lot of shit.. mmmm....

i dont know. needed to get that out.

Photo Entry

2007-06-06T21:21:00.001-05:00

Summer Wheat May 2007

The same Summer Wheat June 2007

Anger Issues

2007-06-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

havent written a real entry in awhile..

cant really think about what all has happened.. but i wanted to write about a few things, bfore i erase everything else that has happened in the past...
had a psychiatrist appt monday.

forget most of it. but he mentioned doing americorps. oh he also asked if there was anyone else i could live with. i said no, or no one i would want to. i mean yeah it might not a bad idea. but i dont have really anyone. relaitves in OR and some in MA, and one in africa. but i wouldnt wanna mooch off of them.. im already mooching off of my parents. plus id be away from oscar. so i have been look on the americorps website. i fanatasized for about a day. and now im like theres no way i could do that. no way... i told him i have been irritable, agitated, angry, etc. more. and more. i get angry with people, and explode at/to my parents. i didnt tell him that i sometimes go off at the public.. directly towards people. i guess i had forgotten. but i do. something happened today, as well.

oh and he called the mh center in town. i figured that would get things going. he talked to the clinical director. said the guy or someone will be calling me soon. ha yeah right. it sounded like something happened.. like i did get lost. who knows. i dont really expect much from them....

so anyways.

i ran out to krogers earlier. didnt feel like it, at all. cus i had gotten home running other errands. but i rushed out there. i needed to return a video by a certain time. so anyways, i was driving in the parking lot. slowly.. saw a space on my right. but then this nice looking car comes around the corner and has their turn signal on and wanted the same space. i guess i was afraid of what would happen if i took the spot. technically it was mine, bc i was closer, it was in my lane or whatever. so whatever. i yelled at them and made nasty faces. my windows were up so they couldnt hear me. then i got out and glared at them, ...i could still see them from where i parked. then the skinny blonde came in and we past eachother. she kind of made a non verbal noise. and i made one too, and said yeah youre reall funny. i dont know. i was so pissed off, and thats all i could say. then i felt dumb, bc she was skinny, attractive, and she probly was laughing at me cus i was ugly, fat, and of course i didnt have a bra on.. lol. but i kept having all these scenarios running thru my head about them. they had a dog in the car. so i was just imaginging all this stuff. cant describe it. but im thinking about it right now.. so yeah. i kind of felt dumb bc i looked terrible and she looked stunning, and yes, i was a tad bit worried about someone coming after me or something. but not reall. so yeah... i get so pissed off at ppl and sometimes let them know and be stupid about it with them, grrrr. i dont know.. im tense now.. someday it will get me into trouble, but until then, this is how its gonna be.

went to library. got a few dvds and cds. the library shitty. but oh well.

finally got my netflix..took them long enough.

my moms not home yet.. supposed to be tome by 4.

my dad isnt home tonite, so my mom and i have to go out.. just me and her tonite..

oh shit, i guess shes home

damn.. whatever

Photo Entry

2007-06-05T19:18:00.000-05:00

The following images were scanned, so the quality kind of sucks...

I think there is a "ghostly" orb in the photo ^above^

More posted at: http://www.photoblog.com/user/echospeaks/

Self Destructive

2007-05-31T19:35:00.001-05:00

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
self-de·struc·tive /ˈsɛlfdɪˈstrʌktɪv, ˌsɛlf-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[self-di-struhk-tiv, self-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1.
harmful, injurious, or destructive to oneself: His constant arguing with the boss shows he's a self-destructive person.
2.
reflecting or exhibiting suicidal desires or drives: Careless driving may be a self-destructive tendency.

See a REAL entry before this one..

What does restless mean?

2007-05-31T16:02:00.000-05:00

god i feel like shit. mentally and physically.

for the past two or three nights i have been going to bed around 3am. this morning, it was the first time i have slept in until my mom got home, around noon. should never have done that. i am 'thinking' i am probly feeling all headachey and migrainey bc i slept too long. its really only 9hours, but compared to last couple of days i have slept much less... id ont know.

so i was slow getting out of the house. i left around 2:!5. went to get my passsport picture. which theyr camera was fucked up. had to have it taken like four times and then ended up having them use a dig cam. then went to the grocery store. i am not doing my grocery shopping anymore... and i hope after this vist, i wont have to. for one thing, this list was huge. and i was so dazed and confgused and disorientated. etc. so it took my forever. plsu a major headahce. i was thirty and just kind of wandering around. BTW SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE OR TALK OR SOMETHING.. SO YEAH, JUST DEAL WITH IT---IM SHAKING AND FEEL FUNN then i kept running into to ppl i knew. i dont think anyone my age... oh while i was looking at berad, like the first think on the list... some little girl came up to me. and we kind of chatted or something. she was really friendy and swweeyt. i kept looking around for her parents. then i think they came up. i figured they tell her not to talk to me or just kind of small talk to me, bc afterall their kid, supposedly, was talking to me. i dont know. they like completely ignored me. it was kind of sad. and i felt guilty and was worrying, i dont know. i felt bad. so the i ran into this lady who goes to church with my grandparents. small talked there. then i was worried that shed see how i was stumbling and totally comfused.. i dont know.. but yeah, who cares. then one of the upper managment ppl , i know them, kind of. i think i ran into him a few tmes. he usually smiles and says hi when we see each other. but this time he just kind gave me a little smile. i dont care. but i pretty much ran away from him and gave a half smile to him. i cant ecplain how we know eachother and why im even telling this part. then i kept running into that other lady.. but ignored her. then some old curch sponser ran into me and said hi. and then i was trying to aoid htta guy again. so i pretty much made a detour in my list.. lol.. im such an idtio.. can we sayu socail anxiety? haha.. then i thot he had left the area, but didnt, so i pretty much ran the other way.. then wehn i went to check out. i was like freaking out cus it was a lot of mony. i got home and asked my mom how much is too much... she said over 150.. i was like ha.. well it was 180ish. hopefulyl aftet that she will go on her on... i had a terrible time. i foregot some things and got ocnfused couldnt make simple decisions in picking out food.

whatever... ont he way home to my hous, i sw a deer in the back yard of some house.. it looked so lost, i felt bad.. i saw it in an residential neighbohodd. so obioously that was strange cus there are never deer there. :(

my drs appt was stupid. i should ahve cancelled. but i think i will next time. charged me 29 dolalrs for less than 5 minutes. it was just a a folowup and and nothing cam out of it. whatever..
i didnt do a good job crying for help. lol

got some job things from kroger.. i may apply. ut the insurance desnt take in affect until 6 or 18 months after ebing hired. damn.. i cant even imagine having a job for 6 months.. blah.. sow hatever...i wont get hired anyway, i have already applied.

so after my store visist. i dont think i am going to go out much. i amgoing to try to avoid it if at all possible. i have bever ran into so many ppl in public like that before. it was bad
oh and then my picture is ont he front pag of the paper. grea.t. i am pissed. my picture and name. and i am sure its on their stupid website too. i would be ok with a small picture on like th last page or something.. but it was a gigantic pic, ont he front page.. blah...

stupid... yeah i have no idea if anyone will read.. so maybe typose and eveyrhting. oh well. if you got to this part. thanks!!!

and i ahve been realyl restless, irrtiable, etc etc lately.. ha, who cares tho, right?

Help

2007-05-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

help.. i need help..

i dont feel good. my head hurts, im shaky, im dizzy, im irritable, im agitated, im depressed, im feeling low. i felt like doing something impulsive, but trapped and couldnt do it, or something.

got up around 10 or something, i forget..

took my stay awake pill sometime between 10 and 11. got gas, left town around 11:25. got lost on the way, but got help from my dad. i wasnt worried or freaked out. had plenty of time..

arrived around 12:35. had to pee really bad, then went to the office after that. filled out papers. i was really shaky. not sure if it was bc i didnt eat or from the pill. talked to a few drs or whoever there. signed the consent forms. peed in a cup, small physical, ekg, blood work. i swear the person who took the blood, has never done it b4. it was wierd. and blood went everywhere. i think the guy was gay. he was the secratary or whatever and drew my blood. hah. and he said sorry it was so messy, usually a lab tech is here. uhm ok.. it was gross, he didnt even wipe the blood up that spilled and i saw he had my bloood on his ungloved hand. whatever..

made another appt for next week, or something.

got lost on the way back.

decided that i am going to call and drop out. i dont wanna drive to dayton.

on my way home, i was speeding. had weird impulisive feelings. was speeding is all i could think of, .. felt sick when i got closer to home.

i only had like 15 minutes to myself.

my mom came home around 4. i immediately felt even more agitated and irritable. her voice annoys me. everyhting does.

didnt know where to go. i was trapped, once again, came up here. i wanted to record a video. but i stll dont know the mic thing. whatever..

writing this.

no one online.

dont know what to do.

i ahve to go out to eat with my mom. sigh. i dont know. i dont want to..

i want to be alone i dont feel safe.

More later, hopefully.

2007-05-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

its over...

leaving soon, everyone's going out for pizza. that should be 'fun' to write about. so ill finish later.

went outside , sat and lied in the grass. thought about stuff. cried a little. listened to music. threw corn at this tree. mom came out and said, dont be throwing stuff at the squirrels. she doesnt get it.. 'scratched' myself with a corn bit. didnt do anything, but yeah, i feel bad.

the parents came over to open presents with my sister and BIL, and my parents. whatever. wrote everything down, as i was supposed to. after they left, my dad and i were trying to pack everything up. and then my sister yelled at my dad bc he did something 'wrong'. thats when i felt extremely guilty and wanted to cry.he was just trying to help. after his parents left, i got irritable. i kept being so bitchy to my mom. and i was just like, im not good, im just warning you. cus i could explode any minute. she kepts on saying, oh its ok. no your not, she is in complete denial. whatever.

im trying so h ard to keep everything in, .. i was thinking i have to at least give them a few weeks until every1's settled down. here i was thinking, the day after the wedding, i could release it. i was wrong. i should be considerate and wait a bit.. whatever.

signed up for another study. go in tues. have to not fast for like 12 hours. im worried about driving over there on an empty stomach. i MIGHT buy some no-dos or caffiene pills, whatever. i have pain pills with caffiene already.. but of course knowing my luck nothing will help. but then im like fuck it, i dont care if i get in a car wreck on the way over there. sounds good to me.

i gtg, ill write more later... if i remember...

7:53pm

i still have faves to read, but i thot i had better write, before i loose track of stuff..im selfish, sorry

sorry for all the typose i feel kind f funny and just weird, so yeah.. and i dont feel like correcting them. kind of weak/tired, whatever...

im really irritable tense in pain about ready to cry depression lonely wanting to cut etcetcetc
so pizza.. was dumb. i was pretty much in my own world. i didnt wanna listen to evey1 so i phased them out. plus not all of us could sit in the same area. and the ppl i sat with were all talking about stuff which had nothing to do with me, so i was able to keep to myself.

my parents are drving me crazy. everting is driving me crazy. even my g-parents.. which i feel guilty..

i feel like im gonna explode. i just want to be myself and wanna be alone. evberuone is up in my face. my parents or mom or whatever is in denial. they obviously have no clue. what do i have to do, slit my wrists in front of them, email them my journals, leave bloddy stuff around, what?! i think i have tried a few things, and they STIll don get it. my head hurts cus i need to cry.

i have no therapist, no one. i thot about sending my old therapist a letter. and asking her how much she would charge since i have no ins or no job. somehow i got away with paying only 30 bucks each time, but i feel guilty just paying that little. and i still dont know why i stopped. she thot it would be easier for me to go to the center in town, for free of charge. but then maybe she just didnt know what else to do with me. why do i even need to think about seeing someone. its not even gonna help, im broken, untreatrable, unfixable, everything...

i dont know, im gonna try to take my mind off of stuff...

Wedding

2007-05-26T23:26:00.000-05:00

So i am going to try to remember the last couple of days.. i can barely remember like two hours ago, but yeah..

Friday around 2:30. not sure how to describe it.. but.. my sister was driving and the car we were in beeps if the up-front ppl are not buckled. she was, but i wasnt. but i do buckle, always, just not like right away. also before this, i noticted when this would happen she would boss every1 around and yell at us/them to buckle up. so anyways, we are like two block from the house, leaving, and she was yelling at me to buckle, i said i am, i always do.. and i guess she thot i was taking it personal and then she was raising her voice and saying, jill youre not allowed do this. so i started crying and then got even more pissed. and then later when she talked to mark, her fiance, she said, oh yeah, jills already yelled at me. god make me look like the bad guy, whatever, youre one who is all stressed out and on edge. so yeah the drive was a little tense. oh, and i offered to drive. and then she goes, what..are you just saying that cus my acceleration is off .. or whatever... i was like, (about to cry)-again, no, i just thot i could help you out.. then she goes, no i like driving and it keeps my mind off of things. so yeah, i obviously was seriously thinking about jumping out of the car and going home. but then she would have gotten even more pissed.
so we picked up my sister's friend, and then went to cincy. dropped our stuff off at her other friend's house. me and her two friends, so far, were in the bridal party. it was freaking hot in this girl's house, but i managed. then we drove to the wedding site for a rehearsal. then drove to dave and busters for the rehearsal dinner. the food was ok, but the cake was even better. mingled there, and then played games afterwards. then the four of us went back to L's house, and got ready for bed. we watched BIG LOVE on HBO. id probly watch it again, but i we dont get HBO..the nite was pretty hot and i couldnt get to sleep. i wanted to try to go online, but they had an apple computer, and i cannot figure those out.

Saturday morning. got up ate breakfast and other food. then the four of us went to the hair place. met another bridesmaid there. and then left back to L's house for makeup. and drove to the wedding site. had a bunch of pictures taken, chilled out for awhile. and then 5 was when the ceremony began. when ever i see ppl cry, i start to cry. but i didnt actually shed any tears, so i guess thats good. it was over in less than 20 minutes and then more pictures. then 6:30 the reception offically began.
everyone, family, family friends said i did a nice job and was very pretty, etc. i was like , oh thanks.. of course not believing it. i was the only single bridesmaid. watching ppl dance, i was jealous. not just because of couples dancing, but i am way to self conscious to get out on the dance floor. i went like two times, but thats it. i kind of wanted to, but didnt feel comfrtable, and plus i dont even know how to dance. they all say to just move around, but i feel stupid... blah.. then when i was saying goodbye, i never knew what to say. i just want to bye, and then walk off. but thats not how it was. i would pretty much repeat things the other person said.. im such a dumbass, no social skills what so ever.
i am kind of hoping some of my parent's friends will say stuff to my parents, like she acted kind of weird, or sad, etc.. god that will never happen. and like ppl would ask if i was having a good time. i didnt wanna lie but i also wanted to say the truth.. did that make sense? i was so zoned out the whole time.. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. then i cant BS, so i felt really uncomfortable. its so hard to be to BS about having fun, or BS about being happy. hell, its hard to do the real thing.. damn.. i dont feel anything. i am glad it over with. i dont have to be all 'social' or pretend or try to be. but yeah i dont feel anything. *sigh* i have no idea..
i dont even act interested when ppl are talking to me or with/at me. so i watched my cousin talking to a few ppl and she seemed so interested in the other persons words. whether she really did or not, i dont know. but it seemed real. i cant even pretend.. like i wouldnt know what to do, or i wouldnt be able to think of something to say, or i would just repeat what they just said. and then sometimes, i 'zone out' while they're talking. thats really rude, but it just happens.... i should probly go to bed...

**so yeah, hopefully this made some sense--sorry about the names and whatever and everything else**

12:35 pm

2007-05-25T11:44:00.001-05:00

uhm i dont feel anything.. the only thing i feel is physicaly tension pain. i suppose if i was the one getting married and didnt feel anything, then maybe there would be a problem. but everyones so happy and excited, etc, etc. im not. i just wanna get it over with. im not even nervous or worried. as i said well before this, i cant let anyone know i am struggling bc i wont be more stress on everyone and i wont ruin ruin the wedding. but i have a feeling, even after this is over with... they wont get it. i dont know. i dont think its an attention thing. like oh, my sister is getting all the attention, and i wish people would see me.
i dont know. i think i have to leave soon. not sure what all is happening. well i will drive down with my sister around 2. i guess she wants to drop some things off at the place were staying tonite. then well go to the wedding site, rehearse and then go to some adult chuck e cheese.. dave and busters.. whatever..
shit gotta go.. help my sister.

Stand still..

2007-05-24T00:24:00.000-05:00

okay so i guess ill write a real entry..

had another revelation or whatever... i am at a standstill or whatever. regarding just about everything. i guess i am doing okay for not being in therapy. but i dont like how i am doing. im not really improving on anything. i guess im not doing worse. but it just depends on the circumstances or whatever. like in high school and early college, i remember i felt horrible and would scribe on things, leaving suicidal marks everywhere--like defacing school stuff etc. i dont do that.. but back then, even tho i was horrible i was 'involved' in stuff. i dont know where im going. lost my train of thought.. which is another thing.. i know, deep down, that something is wrong with my nuerologically. i will always think that until i am diagnosed with something or have had all the possiblt tests to see if anything is wrong. but since i have no insurance, i cant be tested for any of those things. so im SOL and have like an elderly person's mind in a 23 year old body.. joy...

so the last time i saw a therapist was march 30. i then had a mental health assessment at the local clinic on april 6 and 24. and then the person i had that assessment with called me april 25 saying someone should or would be calling me to set up an appt time to see a therapist and eventually psychiatrist. so i had been meaning to call the mental health place to see whatsup. told them my name and who i had talked to last etc. they said that the therapist that was just hired, has not been giving the green light to start scheduling .. so then i told them that i am supposed to see (specific name given). and was that the new person. i knew it wasnt the new person, but i was kind of being agressive or assertive, etc. and they were like, oh no shes been here forever. then i guess i was transferred to this person. talked to her for like 5 minutes or less and then she said she'd look into it and call me back.. i will give her a week and then call back, again.

i also need to call the bvr lady. havent talked to her since 5-14. may do that tomorrow.

i have to go to the dress rehearsal and rehearsal dinner friday. then spend the nite at one of the bridemaid's houses and then get up sat morning and get my hair done, and then do the wedding and reception. i really dont know... i feel bad that im not toasting or speaking or saying anything. im the MOH and sister of the bride.. but i just dont feel comfortable doing it. i get so freaking nervous. my mom said maybe i should, if i wanted to. she gave me this thing to read.. like today. and the thing is fri. im not the kind of person who can prepare something at the last minute, even if i am just reading off a piece of paper. i need like a few weeks or a month.. so i dont know if i will do it.

my dress fits. i was afraid it wouldnt..even after the tailoring...i still have some packing to do. my mom wants like the computer room, foyer, stair way, my room , and my bathroom all picked up by like tomorrow at noon. not sure why. just one person is staying at the house, my uncle, like thurs or fri, staying for the wkend i guess. but then the fiances parents are coming over sunday. but not sure why i have to clean everything by tomorrow, but whatever...

i applied for another study.. no idea what it's for.. forgot to ask. and forgot to ask what the compensation is. its somewhat closer that the other one i went to earlier this month. i know its for mdd people. so i go there for the screen and interview or whatever tues.

went to a stupid job fair or something at a temp agency. no clerical jobs, but i kind of liked that place better than the others. but i dont know.. not sure why i say that, cus i am pretty sure no one will be calling. there are no clerical jobs anywhere!

so i dont know. what else to write about. my eyes are hurting and i guess im kind of tired.. i dont know. whatever..

Webcams

2007-05-22T17:57:00.001-05:00

So I dont feel like writing a REAL entry. But I am thinking about getting a webcam. I was told that I could find a decent one for like 20 dollars. I looked at Staples and they didn't have that many and none were around that price. I think I just want to take stills/pictures and record videos for blogs and other random stuff. And post them online. I don't know anything about webcams, so I was wondering if anyone could advise me. Thanks!

Carole King

2007-05-18T17:56:00.000-05:00

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

I have often asked myself for reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

-Beautiful by Carole King

--------
Oh yeah, Sheryl Crow will be near me in July. I wanna go, but I have no idea who I'd go with. Either my sister and her fiance, or my mom and/or dad. Oh boy, what fun! Blah.. This is another bad thing about not having any friends. And I have never been to any kind of concert with someone else besides family.

Kiddie Kuts

2007-05-17T22:39:00.000-05:00

fuck.. i feel like cutting..

why am i always jealous of everyone. pretty much everything and everyone triggers me and makes me feel sad and whatever..

why cant i be normal'

why cant i get the fucking motivation to loose weight, to stop eating. why cant i be like i was in high school. why dammit, why

my mom suggested me calling up my cousin tomorrow. i want to drive to kmart and look at some things. my mom thot i should go out of my comfort zone and call her up to see if she wanted to go shopping with me. no i will not do that. no way. id rather drive over with a complete stranger than with her. she is everything i am not. why the hell would she wanna come anyways. fuck that.

has anyone tried putting vitamin e on scars.. like they are supposed to fade them or something.

i have no one. no one. no one.

occ. one person online. but the rest, zero. they wont even talk to me online. too busy doing other stuff. too caught up in their own shit.

i dont know if ill cut.

i feel very alone.

very desperate

very pissed at myself.

Cannot believe it

2007-05-15T23:53:00.000-05:00

i just got an email from my sister. she was reminding all the bridemaids about the rehearsal that is fri the 25. yeah so my sister is getting married may 26. i had no idea it was so close to the date. i so dont wanna be in the wedding or be at the reception or anything. they both dont really want a wedding. but whatever. my dress isnt going to fit either, probly. we got it tailored but i think i have gained weight since then. i keep eating. nothing will motivate me to stop eating or eat healthy or exercise. for a brief moment i thot i wouldnt have to stay for the reception. i forget what day it was, sat or sun of last week. my mom's parents, my grandparents arent sure if they can come. but we were, my parents and i were talking, about how if they did go, they would need someone to drive them home. so i offered. and my mom was like. huh.. i didnt even consider that idea. and for a while i was trying to convince them it would work. but my dad didnt like it one bit, and thot since i was the sister and MOH i needed to stay for everything. but then why would my parents want to have someone who actually wanted to stay for the reception to take the old folks home? it would be perfect. i dont mind taking them home. i dont even wanna stay. i dont drink or dance, can barely make conversation. but i dont think that will happen. i think my sister has other plans for me. and she doesnt even know that my grandparents might not be there. god i dont wanna do this. i keep thinking, maybe, once this is all over, it will be my time, maybe i can convince my parents i need more help with stuff. but actually i can just hear my mom saying, ** all you need is a job, then things will get easier. yeah right what ever.

i dont have anyone. i am so fucking alone. nothing is going forward or getting better. every1 just comes into my life and leaves or doenst even come into my life. i dont know what i want. i dont find it pleasurable or even helpful anymore to talk to ppl online. im not sure what i want out of it, but i dont get anything.

the stupid mental health clinic in town hasnt called. i last talked to someone, which that person is no longer with them-i wish i would have asked why she was leaving, april 25. havent heard from anyone since then. i know i should call, but i am afraid they wont have an answer and i will get even more upset. thinking there isnt any hope, there isnt anyone out there, nothing, no one.

called the bvr counselor person monday. no repsonse. i will try to try calling wednesday or thursday. i need a job, i need something. the only reason why i think i need a job is to please my parents. but listening well actually reading ppl's ..whatever.. cant think of the word... times at work, it just scares me and overwhlems me. stuff that i would have just cried about or walked out, but they would stick it out.

im a waste. i dont do anything. im not good for anything. im pointless. i have nothing to offer and am unfixable. who would want to hire me for work? who would want to date me? who would want to be my friend? no one, i deserve it. im stupid..

this is stupid...

Stranger than Fiction

2007-05-10T23:35:00.000-05:00

just finished watching stranger than fiction. felt like i was forcing myself to watch it. its been sitting on the coffee table for awhile now. cant get another movie till i return it. but yeah. i have always wanted to see it, so i felt like i was forcing myself to watch it.. who knows.

so im a really tired. i got a headache, same as always, around 7,30 8 o clock. i think it was from being at the computer for so long. since then it has been with me. i should sleep, but im not. and it hurts to look at the screen but im still doing it. and i took at least a 2 hour nap today. altho i did get up around 7,30. but yeah for some reason i am really tired. i think i have come up with a somewhat logical? reason as to why i stay up thru the nite even tho im so tired. maybe i stay up, so i dont have to lay awake in bed and think. cus whenever i stay up, i am always doing something. and maybe i am almost afraid of just laying awake thinking.. mm i dont know. it sounds pretty good and makes sense. but probly doesnt make me much sicker, ha, not that im trying, but yeah.

two temp agencies.. no luck. dont feel like writing much tho. i kind of think i am better than the ppl that go there. what are they thinking by wearing track suits, sweat pants, to an interview, or even sleeping in the waiting area?! no idea. but i felt out of place as usual. after the second temp agency thing, my parents asked how it went, i said it was pointless. and my dad said something like when youre just starting out.. actually im not sure what he said. but they dont get it.. but i cant expect them to, cus they have never been to a temp agency. i feel so dumb, im the only grand daughter who didnt graduate from college, and cant find a job and has to go to a temp agency. i bet my cousins have never stepped foot in one. whatever. it hurts to think... whats that a sign of.. the second place was a little nicer. there was one old woman who came in. never seen that before. i feel bad for her, i wonder what kind of work shell be doing. but two different ladies working there said two different things about finding clerical positions. one said theyre arent that many. and one said that they have been busy and theyre sure they can find me something. whatever. i knew they couldnt help me. but the opportunity to say, you have to start somewhere for office experience, didnt come up. oh well.

(22) Photos

2007-05-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

im bored, so heres some of my fave photos i have taken the last couple of years and now.

New York City

Wegerzyn Gardens

My House

Garden Center

Sorry that there are so many flower photos. Flowers are one of my favorite subjects. Oh, and sorry the sizing is all wrong, or not good enough.

**Oh yeah, I don't think I will be adding photos to this blog again, it was way too hard and took forever!!** GRR!!!

Stupid

2007-05-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

This is an email I sent to my mom earlier, after my stupid appointment/interview at cbs, the temp agency. i have another appt/interview at another temp agency at 1:30..

it is almost 11. just now got back from cbs. i really cant work. but whatever. im doing all this work serching for you. they ask me what i wanna be doing, i make up some answer cus i dont know what i want to be doing. so i filled out all the paperwork, as if i am being hired to work for cbs. someone is sipposed to call me to set up an interview today at for dodge animal health. i could be making boxes, i could be picking and packing boxes. i think its fast paced. but i didnt ask for sure. you stand all day. 1:30-10, 8.75 an hour. not guarenteed to be hired even after working the 520 hours. m-f. must be willing to work overtime, cus it happens a lot. cant remember whatever else. but they said they dont wanna train pl and than have them quit, so whatever.. i feel like shit. i cant eve make it hru the day without being so tired and lathragic something is wrong, but no money for drs or tests. and i have seen drs all my life and they cant find anything. but yeah. i can barely drive hme from cbs. im leaving for the store. was hoping dad could help me, but hes not here. i was also hopeing to sleep before i went to my 1:30 adecco thing. but cbs took so darn long. they didnt get to me until 10.. no idea why they said i had an interview at 9. i think they tell evbery1 that. and of course i was the nicest one dressed there. one firl was even sleeping in the waiting area. whatever. 10:57 leaving for the store

and her response was nothing really. the only thing she said that could possibly relate to this email was, youre right, its not an ideal job. just see how the other place goes. of course i didnt say, that in order to get a clerical position you have to have previous work experience in an office.

im so tired. not as weak as i was when i sent the email, obviously. cus i had typos everywhere in that one. but i was truely, not all here/there.

Waste

2007-05-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

today was a nice day.. the weather i mean. got up around noon. i do set my alarm the night before. but it ends up going off and i just let it go off until the ringer stops. kind of annoying, but id rather listen to it go off than get up out of bed. so i think it went off around 10:20, and of course i was so confused an tired when it went off. so yeah i ddint get up.

i had a few errands i needed to run, but of course i didnt do them. i basically sat at the computer all day transferring my yahoo photos to snapfish. i felt bad for my dog, bc i wasnt paying attention to him. then i felt like going outside and just lieing on the ground. but i didnt want anyone to see me. so i didnt do that. my parents wanted me to talk a walk with them, but i said no. i had to force myself to go vote this evening.. other than that.. didnt leave the house, at all.

my mom has been nagging on me about getting a job. she has the classifieds section on the counter with jobs circles. she keeps asking if i have called the temp agencys. and now she wants me to go around and drop resumes off. she circled an ad from addecco. and im assuming she wants me to check out the clerical positions. at first i was like, find ill call and make an appt. but now i just remembered earlier. that they wont give you a clerical job unless you have experience. if i go in for an appt. i am going to request for clerical. and then when they say, 'we cant hire anyone without previous office work experience" like that have said numerous times to me, then i will say, do you have any suggestions for my getting experience, bc you have to start somewhere. i have the education, just not the experience. and then, my mom has circled receptionist positions. i thought she knew i would suck at that job.. but evidently not.. whatever...

everyone has come into my life and left. so i am here, by myself. i am sick of ppl saying they are so alone and they just want someone to listen to them. but then when i do offer to listen or i do email them or IM, they just are completely quiet. i dont know. its basically whats going on right now.. i have no one. every1 has gotten a job, is in school, or just is too busy for the internet or even to hang out in person. i want to say something, but cant get it out right..

so here goes.. i IMed someone online. i was feeling really shitty and i guess they were too. so they just said something like kill yourself, sorry but thats all i can say.. after theu said that, i just thot.. well they obviously dont even care about me, friendship or relationship, whatever. bc i would never tell someone to just kill themself. i would try to help them, but never just kill yourself. so it really hurt me. i dont know. now after that, i dont really have anyone online.. to talk to. so whatever..

i will probably go to bed early.. at least try.. i dont know what else to do. i have a movie to watch, but i dont feel like watching it. and i dont wanna watch it just to watch it and then return it.. or i dont wanna feel obligated to watch it. i want to actually enjoy it.. who knows, what ill do.

Loser

2007-05-07T22:49:00.000-05:00

i still have been feeling really shitty. physically and mentally. i am such a waste. i really dont want to write now. but maybe i will. i dont know. nothing else to do..

so physically.. i have headaches all the time. and stupid things trigger it. like getting up out of a chair, or walking, or coughing, breatheing, shit like that. most of the time, they are probly migraines. i feel like car sick, i dont throw up, but i just feel horrible. my back hurts a lot. i am always bloated and gassy. and then when i have to poop, i usually have a headache. so its hard to poop, bc when i strain to push it out, my head hurts so bad. tmi, i dont care. i shake a lot. i am always in a daze. i hate driving, but it seems like theres not choice. i feel like i cant concentrate and my mind just wanders. i forget a lot of things. random weird things. i cannot focus. my ability to stay alert has decreased a lot as well. i am always tired and fatigued. weak.

mentally.. i am depressed. lonely. agitated. get annoyed very easily. i have short fuses and yell a lot. and i have extreme feelings of guilt. i am irritable. tense, not sure if that is physical or not. and then all of the above symptoms make me feel discouraged cus no one (drs) can find anything wrong with me. and its not like i can go to every specialist, again, bc i dont have insurance.

i am a waste. i cant even get a freaking job, get up at a decent time. i dont know. my mom said that i should get up one day this week and go around town and fill out applications. sure, ill try it. i guess, maybe. sounds just like another disappointment for me. and another day full of rejections and more depression.

the mental health clinic hasnt called. i will give them one more week and then call them. i looked up the therapist, who will be seeing me, on zabasearch.. shes almost the same age on dr milam in YS. damn. I think i know who it is.. like i have seen an older gray haired lady walking through the center. so whatever.. its stupid. im pretty much on my own, cus im not sick enough for anything and whatever. i truely feel that i am unfixable, broken, defected. i am able to be fixed, nothing is going to help me.

i kind of think being on my birth control pills is giving me headaches. i think in the past the pill has done this to me. the reason why i started it, the symptoms have not left. and i guess i can live with them. it sucks no one can explain to me why its happening, but id rather have the other symptoms than headaches. so i think i will eventually stop that. i stopped the amitriptyline already.. dont know when, didnt write it down, so i dont remember. but it was for the headaches and it wasnt helping. so maybe when i stop the BC, i will start the Ami. up again.

i am lonely. i have no one to talk to. and then if someone is online, i dont know what to say. i dont wanna bother them. and usually it doesnt help anyways, so why bother.

i have a headache.. as usual.. so im quitting this.

visit to mariemont:

so i drove down to cincy fri afternoon. got lost, but made it. i visted Katie down there. we walked her dog. so i got to see her neighborhood. very nice. when she comes here, i will feel kind of embarassed. but oh well. i played with her dog in her backyard. she showed me her house. we walked around her neighborhood, again, i think.. yeah. she wanted to show me the concourse. i never looked up the history of it. surely, it had to be something.. but yeah, then we walked to her grandma's house. i like old ppl. i felt really comfortable talking to her grandma. and wasnt nervous at all. then we walked to the square. then we went to a little shop. then i think we walked back to her house, played the with dog more. and i left. i took some pics there as well. a ton of her dog. but oh well. thats just how i am. so that went pretty well. was nervous about driving, but oh well.

bridal shower in cbus:

so i drove, some more.. saturday am. up to cbus. with my mom. its either my mom driving and be being all annoyed with her driving and whatever, or me driving and being all tense.. so really who knows.. but yeah. my sister, had a langerie (i know thats spelled wrong) shower held for her at her sister in laws (soon to be)house. that wasnt too bad, and i had already met the ppl at the shower. it was actually kind of fun. the food was good. and the company or whatever was nice. laughed a lot. then i 'hosted' a semi bachelorette party. just went to the gallery hop and out to dinner. that was fun as well. so all in all, it was good. then i drove home.. somehow made it home a live..

"Pills"

2007-05-06T18:15:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to post some lyrics. I just recently bought the new Charlotte Martin CD Stromata. I have listened to it a few times all the way through, but just now noticed the lyrics of a song. So here is it, called Pills:

Pills that make you think that you are happy
Pills that make you think that you are sad
Pills that make you love most anybody
Pills that make you altogether mad

Pills that make you feel a little sleepy
Pills that make you stay up way too late
Pills that make your skin feel kinda creepy
Pills that make your brain hallucinate

Pills that make the boys a little frisky
Pills that help the girls fight PMS
Pills that make your conversation risky
Pills that help you straighten out the mess

Pills to calm your nerves when on an airplane
Pills to make your acne start to fade
Pills to make you rid yourself of water
Pills that cause your body to retain

Pills that make you think that you're a rockstar
Pills that make you feel a bit insane
Pills that make you think you're in a movie
Pills that make you stand in front of trains

Yeah hopefully I will look at the entry before I write another one.. I need to write about:
My visit to Mariemont
Bachelorette Party
And whatever else...

Self-Destructive

2007-05-02T17:24:00.000-05:00

so i dont know what to write.

i took some pictures of my bday gifts and my dad took some of me opening them up. but i look nasty, so i wont put them on here. i havent even uploaded the pics yet..
but i got too much stuff. i feel guilty for all the money ppl spent on me. i never feel this extreme guilt. my mom got me TWO vera bradley bags, those things are so expensive. she said she was just trying to buy my affection. i was like, gee, great... sorry. i just said that she should have to do that, or buy material things to buy my affection from me or whatever. i guess she also feels bad that she is spending so much money on my sisters wedding and nothing on me. god i dont care. that never even crossed my mind. i just this wedding shit to be over with and then maybe i can come up with some things to tell my parents. or i can just be so destructive and kill myself. who knows.

oh yeah, i went to the lion king last nite. it was very good. the seats were perfect too. unfortunately, i wasnt totally focused on the show. my mind was wandering. and then i felt guilty cus the seats/tickets were expensive and i couldnt concentrate. but whenever i see musicals or shows like that, i also think of other things, besides the show. like not just things going on in my life, but like man these ppl have everthing, great talent, etc. or the set and music is so cool in the show, i wish i could be involved in something like that. or it would be so cool do be a part of the show, music, set, acting, singing, etc, anything. stupid stuff like that.. blah..

so yeah, we got home around 11:45 last nite. i was tired, but yet again i stayed up on the internet. and i, once again got another migraine. im not sure if its bc im staring at the screen all nite or bc im tired, or just the mix of both. then i started feeling nauscious and then went to bed around 3. then i felt like i was gonna poop my pants. and was on the toilet for a while. freaking out that i felt like i was going to barf and having diarrhea. didnt go to bed till 5. not sure why i said all this.

still not doing very well, mentall, emotionally, physically. theres tension between me and each parent. i can hear my mom always sighing after i said something or left the room. im depressed, im shaking, im dazed, im tired, i dont know whats wrong.. but neither does anyone else. i want to find a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty.. i know thats stupid. but i wanna be self destructive, just mess with my body and literally feel nothing, feel a high, feel good in my body.. i dont know. so my question is does anyone know of a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty? ha, i hate smoking and smokers, but i have to do something. same with alcohol, i have had it before, but hate the taste of it, beer, wine, or other liquers. if it has an alcohol taste, i will not drink it, cus it tasted nasty.. anyone have any suggestions on this one. yeah i know ppl tastebuds are different, so i dont know..

Heh (sarcasm), Me Again...

2007-04-30T16:24:00.000-05:00

I fucked up, ... again!

god i hate this.

so start from the beginning.

i am trying to get all the bridesmaid and my sister, the bride, together for a stupid bachlorette party. i really dont want anything to do with it.. even b4 i messed things up.. but i was doing my best to 'pretend' to get things together and have fun. so yeah, my sister FINALLY sent me an email about her ideas. one bridesmaid sent me an email to me and another bridemaid. about getting things together for the b-party. SO i thot id fwd my sister's email to both of them and let them know what my sister thot. i was kind of cautious about doing that, cus i didnt ask my sister. but there was nothing in it bad. and it was to help everyone cater to HER party for HER, i thot it would help. so basically i talked to my sister on the phone. i had this huge list of questions to ask to finalize things and make reservations for the restaurant. and i told her how i had been talking to the two bridesmaids thru email. and she asked what ever1 was saying. and i said i had fwd the email she sent me and then said i few ideas every1 had. then her tone of voice changed, and was like... oh.. i wished u wouldnt have done that.. i hate when ppl do that..then i knew i fucked up and my voice cracked and i started to cry.. i wanted to hang up. but i just said i have to go then, and ill do this later.. god. i always seem to fuck things up..

so i cried in the bathroom, tempted to stay in there the rest of the nite. but i cant let my parents know that im struggling. they dont need that right now.. i am tempted to let them know, but i cant. not now.. so i sucked it up and came out here to the computer.. and then...my dad knocks on the door with flowers in his hand... i feel terrible.

*god it is so hard for me to bullshit. my dad just bought me some flowers for my birthday.. why cant i be appreciative.. who knows.. i am, but im just not happy. god im gonna cry, again.. * blah...

OH, and i *think* my mom saw my new cuts.. its likein the 80s so i put shorts on. i never wear shorts, but the cuts are quite visible. but i am not sure actually saw them.. i dont know whatever.. it doesnt matter. cus she never gets concerned or whatever..

Pretending

2007-04-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

people are coming over tonite to celebrate my birthday.. its really not until tomorrow, but my dad works late, so we have to do it tonite.. im kind of pissed. bc i will have to pretend or act my way thru it. and that makes me feel worse. i wish i could just let things go for a little bit and enjoy myself. i will try to. but i wont make any promises.

had my stupid class today. thank god it was the last class. they brought pizza in. i wasnt even hungry, but ate some. i shouldnt have tho. but i kind of felt bad. i wasnt even able to thank them.. i swear, if i was about to die or thot i was gonna pass out, i would not speak up.. im fucked up.

i felt really out of place in there today. i feel like that all the time, but today was worse. it was me and three others. i wanted to get up and leave so bad. but i didnt wanna draw attention towards myself. so yeah, the two teachers were like talking to each of the three ppl. trying to make conversations or asking them if they were ready or what they were going to do, as fas as get a job. i just sat there, felt so out of place and miserable. i was hoping to god, that they would switch the attention onto me. but of course it was bound to happen. one of the ladies said, now, ***, youll be great in the marketing area and i can see you doing that. i told her or one of them, that i thot i would enjoy merchandising, like stocking shelves, etc. so at first, when she brought the marketing up, i was like what, huh? but i just nodded and went along with it. and said, right, yeah, etc. i didnt know it was called marketing.. i dont even wanna do that really, and i cant see myself doing it.

then we have to fill out a questionaire that we all filled out individually on the first day of class. so being the last day, most ppl's scores would improve. HA! i knew mine wouldnt, bc i am always the oddball, the one that cant be fixed or helped, the defected one. it was kind of funny. two categories stayed the same, then the 3 other categories dropped a level. fun stuff. i dont care. that class was not for me. it was just something for ppl to get ready to go back to work. common sense stuff. i have been taught and exposed to all the stuff that was gone over. the only thing i learned was how you should always fill everything in on apps. and dont put 'see resume'. ha! i did that. but yeah thats all i learned or will improve in the furture..

but for some dumb reason the lady read thru EACH freaking question. and then would either ask ppl there score or say i would expect you all to have this answer.. but they wanted to know my answer on something.. i think it was about whether i accepted compliaments or constructive criticism from ppl. i told them, i chose, not at all.. which was the lowest score. and then she was like, well.. ok.. , then read the question again. then i said, i know what it means, and i would say thanks, but i dont accept it or believe it. damn, what a dumb answer. and before when she asked what my answer was, i was debating on whether to say the 'right' answer and bullshit, or be honest. blah.. so then, after i said that.. everyone just was staring at me. i could feel my face burning. and then the other lady was like, oh no, well i am sorry to hear that jill. like got all whiny and sympathetic, like she actually cared. then i was afraid they were gonna talk to be afterwards.. but thanks god, i guess, they didnt.

im sure i come off as being stuck up and a bitch. i dont mean to. im just.. not happy i guess. or something. like one of the women in the class came outside. i went outside and stood against the building, just to get some free air and star off into space. then she came out and we both met eyes. and then she said hi.. i was like ..hi.. and i dont think it came out very nice.. i dont know.. then she lit up and i eventually went back in.

so a bvr counselor sent me a letter. i have sent her two emails in the past month and a half. never got a reponse. or call. just this stupid letter. so it said i am supposed to call her about some vocational testing someone mentioned i should do. i dont wanna do it. i have done so many of those stupid things. some were done in the class i took, above. so what i think im gonna do. is call the place after hours and leave a msg for her. just saying, i think i need more, and vocational testing is not gonna help, its a waste of the person's time and money. then i think i will suggest something that catered to depressed individuals. like i would think there would be employment training for ppl who have severly depressed.. but i dont know. so thats my plan..

im going to also email the girl who i contacted about the trial study and possibly the psychiatrist who i met fri. i am going to be matter-of-a fact about it and kind of bitchy..and negative. i dont care. you would like since i have been on over 10 meds for depression, and not have any success with them, that i would be a good candidate. but i guess not. i wanna know more, why i am not qualified. so another thing in life i am not qualified for.

i feel like shit. i was speeding all the way home. going thru things in my head. i didnt cry, but yeah.. going thru random scenarios of things. like a cop trying to pull me over bc i was speeding. whether or not i would stop, crash into something on purpose, or just go even faster and drive from the cops. or other ways to self destruct. also thinking about buying some cigarettes that dont taste too gross. just to be self destructive. but most of those i cant do.. got this stupid wedding coming up and i would fuck things up for every1. either way, having the wedding
coming up or not, it wouldnt matter, nothings gonna help..

i gotta poop, bye.. (heh, i dont care if thats tmi)...

Stupid little kid..

2007-04-30T00:02:00.000-05:00

i have a really bad headache.. but i wanted to write this before it got even worse.. yeah that mad a lot of sense.. basically my headache gets worse when i try to think hard.. blah whatever..
i now hate little kids. i have always hated them. but today has really assured me of how much i dont like them. they are so unpredictable. RAWR!!

basically. i was pulling into dollar general.. i was driving, my mom was in the passenger seat. all of a sudden this little THING darts out in front me.. i dont know how old he was.. probly as tall as my bumper, like front of my car. so pretty fucking small. and there were like cars parked in front of the store.. cant explain it very well. = = okay, so the = sign is cars parked, the is me driving down the parking lot, and then cars on the other side.. blah i dont know.. so yeah.. you couldnt see the kid til he was like right in front of my car.. i was so pissed. my heart beat so fast. my mom freaked out. if my mom wasnt in the car, i think i would have ran the kid over. i really didnt see him. the kid was like running to a car with his mom in it. or whoever.. and then after the kid darted out. there was a guy/dad coming out from the store.. but im a pretty damn sure the parents didnt know what happened. i started freaking out cus i thot the parents were gonna yell at me and come beat me up.. cus they looked sleezy and gross. but i am convinced they didnt know what happened! we sat in the car till they left.

thing is, i am not very alert when im driving. and that incident makes me even more afraid to drive. who knows what would have happened if my mom wasnt in the car. i am never really fully THERE when im driving. so its worries me. it worried me before, but this was like an almost real accident. i dont know.. so yeah.. i kind of forgot about this, as traumatic as it was. i think i just forgot cus i forget things a lot lately.. i dont know.

my head hurts.. i should probly turn another light on.. i dont know..

No Title

2007-04-28T22:54:00.001-05:00

so i got up around 12:30pm today.. not sure when i ended up going to bed.. cus i was laying there thinking and worrying, etc. and i started pulling my hair lieing in bed.. great times...
these days i am so asleep... like its so hard for me to wake up and when i do i am like almost out of it.. i dont know how to explain it.. just really tired or really really sleeping.. i dont know. i sleep hard, i guess.. these past few weeks.. i dont know..

so my parents went down to cincy for a shower for my sisters wedding. i was invited, but didnt go. i think it was supposed to be a couples shower, but i dont think it was.. im glad i didnt go tho. i dont socialize well.. but yeah they left around 2:30.. i watched ice age. that was ok.. kind of felt obligated to watch it, cus i have always wanted to see it.. but i kind of made myself watch it.. so i could say that i have seen it.. yeah stupid, i know..mmm then i think i went outside to fill up the bird bath, and the two bird feeders.. i thot one of my wildflowers had come up.. but it was a fucking dandelion.. kind of felt stupid for thinking it was a wildflower.. i had my camera so i take pictures. but yeah it wasnt what i thot it was.. then i probly played with my dog and made some maccaroni and cheese.. then i went over to have supper with my grandparents.. thats was nice.. their cat fucking stabbed me with her claws.. i have like three sets of gashes on me.. but it was my fault.. and it was stupid of me.. but yeah im allergic to cat, so the marks were puffed up and irritated.. came home watched another movie in the dark room.. kind of depressing.. but yeah, watched boys dont cry.. my mom warned me it ended sad.. i wont say much about the ending.. sad movie.. and way too much graphic sex.. it was gross. then my parents came home around 10, irriated the fuck out of me.. and here i am now..

i dont know.

Not good enough, not sick enough

2007-04-27T23:47:00.001-05:00

sitting here with snot running out of my nose.. sorry tmi... my face is really bugging me.. its like its super dry and super sensitive.. maybe cus ive been crying so much, but probly not, cus its been like this for a few days, and today i have just started crying a lot.

so i have just found out that i am the reason, partially, i guess. that someone wants to kill themself.. i dont know if shell do it.. but yeah.. great feeling.. i dont even know why i asked if i was the reason .. or if i had anything to do with her thinking of killing herself.. maybe to just validate that i am a horrible person and its fucking miserable being me and i am truely helpless, hopeless and a waste, etc.

i feel like balling, just flat out wailing and crying.. but i cant cus my parents would hear me.. i feel awful.. and nothing is going to make it any better. nothing. im not sick enough or i dont have any other psychotic symptoms, so im just fucked.

i watched intervention as usual. i always cry when i watch that show.. get teary eyed, etc.. but the girl on there was bumming housing off a guy friend, that she didnt like. getting high on herion, and not working.. i was thinking i dont what would be worse.. doing that or being me.. i dont know..

i watched 20/20.. that was painful. juse kids being so young and have gender identity disorder.. it was sad. i felt so bad for them.. like not sorry for them.. but i dont know. they are the few children that have loving and supportive parents, i was glad to see that..
im thinking about taking pills.. but its so damn close to my sisters wedding, and i fuck things up, again.. so thats stopping me..

im not sick enough to get anymore help.. youd think i would be fucking eligible to participate in a fucking study for major depressive disorder after being on so many meds, only bc they werent helping.. fuck them.. im tempted to send them a rude ass email. i will say i am not interested anymore, and that i was definately on the meds for logner than 6 weeks, bc i was told i needed to give them a try.. and they wouldnt take their full affect. and i will say that i am sorry they wasted their time.. not that i really am.. but maybe they will get the jist that i am fucking depressed. but probly not..

whatever

Reject

2007-04-27T17:50:00.000-05:00

Uhm, so I went to that trial study. The drive wasnt very bad. Pretty easy directions. Straightforward, whatever. And I managed somehow to get back on 71, just fine. I just used common sense and follow the signs.. I have forgotten to ask for directions, but I think it would have confused me.
So I arrived super early. I checked in around 10:30. The appt was at 11. Turned out the woman who was heading the study was probly someone my age or a couple of year older. But that didn't make anything worse.. Uhm, so I had to read an 11 page packet telling about the study. And sign a privacy thing. I think it took me a while to read the whole packet, cus she kept on checking on me and I felt like I was reading it slow. Then she asked if it would be ok if a student research assistant would sit in, I said it was ok. Both just went over questions, screening questions. And then I filled out a questionaire or two. I had to pee really bad, but didnt speak up. Even though before we started the head girl said that this was the lengthy part of the visit and to speak up when we I needed a break.. So yeah I am not really assertive.. But yeah, so I when I spoke up, the RA said she had to go to. Not sure why I am saying this.. but the woman leading the study said I should just go ahead and pee in the cup.. for some pregnancy test.. I hate peeing in cups! OKAY... so then after all the questions and screening. The psychiatrist came in.. I admit, my answer are vague and I don't remember exact time frames.. But basically I had given everyone all the medications I had been on, regardless of how long. So its like a list of 13 drugs. Perhaps, more. I didn't know whether they had helped, what the dosages were, and how long I had been on them.. So, the guy said something like I would not be eligible for the study or any of them. As soon as I knew what was going on, I started to cry in side and felt tears in my eyes.. I have no idea if any of them noticed.. But unless I got all my medication records and any of the meds I tried was for less than 6 weeks, then I wouldnt be able to do the study.. This is AFTER I had sat in this small cramped hot room for a couple of hours. It's basically impossible for me to get all those records. It was like over 7 years ago. He suggested going to the pharmacy and getting the records. I am not going to bother.. Because I don't think I have been on a drug for less than 6 weeks, because I have been told to try something for at least a month or so. Cus the drugs may take a while before they kick in.. so whatever.. I left and started crying in my car.. I called my mom, cus she wanted me to call before I came home.. I told her I would be eligible, but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.. And I dont think realized I had been crying or was devastated.. So, hopeless, again.. I think I have come to realize that I am going to be fucking depressed and fucked up for the rest of my life.. I was rejected. I am not sick enough. I just have full blown major depression.. no bipolar, no manic, no extreme highs and lows, just lows.. flat lined all the fucking time.. no psychosis, no schizo.. just depression. whatever... no social anxiety.. its stupid.. enough of this..

so my bday is coming up.. i keep thinking to myself that i might forget it.. and i keep thinking thats really bad to forget your own bday.. but we will see.. but yeah, my mom asked if it would be ok to have ppl over monday night, instead of the 1st, my bday.. i was like well im supposed to have pizza at this work readiness class on monday.. and i will obviously be having cake later that nite for my bday.. but whatever.. i guess my dad works late tues nite.. so we cant do anything that nite.. the only ppl coming over are my grandparents, and then i heard my aunt and uncle will be coming.. i definately dont want my uncle.. too many bad memories, and i think he knows i dont like him.. whatever.. and im not sure why my aunt wants to come.. probly to just relay everything to her hot shot and well off and smart daughters (my cousins)... whatever..

my fingers hurt..

Trial Study

2007-04-26T22:48:00.000-05:00

so i drive down to cincy tomorrow morning. im not too worried about it. cept some ass hole at uc threaten that he would do something worse than the vt shootings. so i am a little worried about that.. but i dont think the drive will be too bad.. i am leaving extra early. leave around 9.15 and then the appt is at 11. *shrugs* i dont know. we will see how it goes. fyi, its a clinical trial study for major depressive disorder. i honestly have been noticing everything getting worse.. no idea why or what triggered it.. but oh well.

my mind is starting to race a lot or thoughts just come in my head and leave and back and forth. i am starting to lie awake at night thinking and worrying, again.. havent done that in awhile..

i skipped my work readiness class wednesday.. i dont know. didnt feel like going.. its stupid anyways.. i havent even returned the paperwork to the bvr counselor person, yet.. for some reason it doesnt click for me.. in order to speed things up i have to put some effort into it.. but yeah.. i dont seem to get a move on with things.

finished up my mental health assessment at the local mental health center. turns out i wont be eligible to see a psychiatrist in my town at the center, unless i stop seeing the psych in the next county,.. did that make sense? thats another thing. i ramble and cant make sense of things in voice or typing/writing.. but yeah.. so basically i will be able to see a psych and a therapist. but the psych appt wont be until like several months on down the road.. so i guess thats good. but the therapy is free. i cant see how much free therapy will benefit but oh well.. whatever

i have a bad habit of telling ppl, well more like emailing and IMing ppl, that i want to get together and do things with them. but then when the time comes to figure out what to do or actually commit to something, i freak out and bail.. its such a weakness. i am not sure its a commitment issue or something else.. i do have the commitment issue with other things. like i will buy stuff. and never really wear them. bc i am afraid i wont wear it or get good use out of it, and then waste my money or someone elses money.. stupid, i know.. but yeah..

i dont know. im a dumbass...

i dont know.. does anyone know how to add other bloggers or like subscribe to them...? i dont know. how to describe what i want.. damn.. thats not good.. most of the time i cant explain or describe pain or the reason why i at the drs office.. nevermind.. yeah, no one gonna just randomly find my site and comment. so whatever.

--------------
i forgot to mention this. on tuesday when i was finishing up my mental health assessment. the woman asked if anyone has died recently or have i gone thru a period of grief or bereavement. i said, well i lost a dog.. i knew she meant humans or ppl close to me. i told her a little about chester. but it kind of think she wasnt taking it seriously or wanted to move on to the next question. but i think his death has affected my stability.. but oh well. i was kind of hurt, by the way she handled it. but oh well.

Posted 10:07pm

2007-04-23T21:06:00.000-05:00

8:35pm
Monday, April 23, 2007

So I don't think I have written in awhile.
I don't think anything has been going on. I went to that stupid class today. Nothing happened there. I seemed to be in a better mood and spoke up a few times. So I guess that's good. I have to finish my mental health assessment at the local mental health center tomorrow. I don't really care. I guess I have been doing okay, as far as not seeing a therapist. So I guess that's good. I had really bad PMS like late last week. And when I am home alone all day and I don't have any contact with my parents, and then they come home. That like really sets me off. I think I should have mini vacations. Because I am like here 24/7. I know it's my choice, but I really don't have anywhere to go. I think my parents should understand how I feel. But, heh, I haven't even really expressed my feelings about that to them. So how are they supposed to know?!

I'm fat. And I can't seem to motivate myself to loose weight or exercise. I tried on my bridemaid's dress. Heh, still doesn't fit. So much for loosing weight by the wedding. I think I have gained weight since I have last tried the dress on. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's all on me and I can't seem to do it. I wish I was in high school again, or at least in that mindframe. That's when I was anorexic. I am just now thinking..Maybe I have nothing to be motivated on. Like in high school I was always around girls my age and I think that had a little to do with my weight and not eating. I am not blaming it on anyone. I can take a class or be around other ppl my age. But I just don't do it. No idea why. So, I understand it is all on me.

I am reading the current issue of Glamour. They have something about making a virtual model online. Heh, I did that. Oh! It's where you can try on swimsuits. I don't plan on wearing a swimsuit or going swimming, but sometimes it is fun to look at suits. The pool is not going to be opened and plus I have cuts on my thigh, so I that's why I won't be in a suit. But yeah, I did the virtual model. Man, I personalized it to 'me', and it looked hideous. But, it was pretty much true. So yeah, I don't think even seeing that, will motivate me. Blah.. I keep telling my parents to lock the cupboards and refridgerator. They laugh. Then I said, well why don't I take out your foods that you eat..Food that I don't like. And then I will tape or nail the cupboard door shut, and same with the fridge. But they didn't obligate to that either. I am being serious, but I think they think I am joking. They probly think if I can't do it with my own willpower, then I need serious help. Who knows!

I need a freaking job. I honestly cannot believe that I am still in this position. I seem to be going no where with everything! I keep running into people who I used to work with. I hate running into old pals or parents of high school friends. Because one of the first questions is, So what are you up to these days? Or something like that. And I usually say, Oh I am just looking for jobs. Or depending on who it is, I will say, Oh yeah, 3rd shift didn't work out too well, so now I am looking for jobs. God, it's pathetic. Some woman, in my work readiness class today, said she was going to go to Steak and Shake and Panera to apply. For one thing, those places don't exist around here. And another thing, I could never do that. I tried working at MacDonald's, up front at the cash registers. I did that for 2 or 3 days,, and quit. Way too fast paced and complicated for me. And I keep taking these tests in that class, and I seem to not get anywhere. What I want, in a job, doesn't exist. I want something thats FT/PT with benefits. Something that's kind of in the backgroun, I don't work well around the public or with people in general. Something that's consistent. Something I can do physically. I like organizing things, I could probably file as well. I like sorting things. I like animals. I don't know what else... But I knew that these tests weren't going to give me much. It always happens like this. I took a career course my freshman year at wright state, jsut out of high school. And I got the results I knew I would get. Something in the food industry, like cooking, and something having to do with animals. So whatever.

I'm hot and I can't get comfortable. I was sitting outside on the patio reading my magazine. But then it got dark and I had to come in. My dad is down in the basement watching tv. That's usually where we all watch tv at night. But he had some sort of surgery on his arm. So my mom plopped him down there when he got home. He is sleeping down there too. And he snores, so I can't veg out down there. My rooms down there, but I don't wanna veg in there, cus I will be doing that close to bedtime, or when everyone else goes to bed. I hope he doesnt sleep down there. I like having that space to myself. My mom said I might have to get up and take care of him.. Oh boy what fun. I just don't want him snoring and barfing down there. But it's not like I have anything else to do..

My fingers hurt, this is it..