so today..

so today...

got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.

i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.

started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..

actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.

then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.

then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..

then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.

came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.

and thats that.. i think..

i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.

i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.

i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.

ok my hands hurt.

i think thats all i wanted to write about..

oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..

ciao