sadness

i dont know. i had been feeling so-so later in the week. today was ok. until i found out one girl i went to school with is getting married.. i found it out thru facebook, of all places.. actually i found out someone else was getting married , thru facebook, as well. i kind of competed with her in hs. and it just makes me sad. im not even remotely interested in dating or to be in a relationship. and everyone seems like they are getting married. i dont know. it makes me sad.. and then i think, if i only i would have been friends with her, i could have maybe at least been invited to the wedding.. i dont know.


..in more detail..

so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.

ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.

i did start new medicines..

i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..

my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.

i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.

my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..

my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.