none

so i dont know.

im so incredibly depressed and alone.

sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.

saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.

then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.

monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..

tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..

i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..

i feel trapped...

i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.

no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..