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so im depressed. i need to cry, but what good will that do.. nothing.. i think when my mood changes from good to bad, thats when i get all tense.. i dont know. just an observation..
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.

i dont know.

i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.

i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.

SI TRIGGER

i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.

END

i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..

my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..

end...

**photos in the previous entry**