been busy....been dogsitting and staying at the house at nite.
my mom said a few things about my hair pulling. i didnt appreciate it. she said it is a serious thing, but she always thot i was doing it for her attention. like when i would pull my eye lashes. or she thought that i picked it up. read something or saw something online and just started doing it. no, wrong both times. i told her it started well before middle school. i told her an incident when someone noticed my lashes missing..in middle school..and she was like, oh i didnt realize that..and i think she said im sorry. who knows. it just pissed me off.
i think my lexapro or combination of abilify is helping the pulling.. havent felt the urge or havent pulled. so thats good.
i have a headache
i am really behind on my faves and stuff. so im sorry. thanks for the notes, tho.
got some books at the library. but im not low on concentration and focus to actually read them. oh well.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Proud
well im very proud of myself. i laid down around 1:16 and set my alarm for 2:30. my mom told me i should clear off my walls and shelves and put blue tape down. since i will be painting my walls this weekend. so after laying down. i thot i would just get up and do that. im glad i did it then, cus if i would have slept and then did it, i would want to lie back down again, but wouldnt have time. my back and shoulders got really tense when i was moving stuff around. that always happens. so since i did it now, i might be able to lay back down, i dont know. then i put some blue tape on the floor molding, i didnt do much, but did get a good start.
i had my last compeer painting lesson. but i decided to not go cus i was tired. but since i didnt lay down. who knows i may end up dropping by. it wouldnt hurt.
i got my hair cut today. new style and even felt daring and got some bangs. ill try to post photos.
and i will took pictures of my last two watercolor paintings. not good, but theyre ok. i will try to post those as well.
and i will took pictures of my last two watercolor paintings. not good, but theyre ok. i will try to post those as well.
i went to the library yesterday and got some books on depression. i read one of them last night.
it was kind of childish, with pictures, so thats why i was able to finish it in one sitting.
it was called. conquering the beat within: how i fought depression and won... and how you can, too by cait irwin. shes like young. but she illustrated it too. there was a chapter in it about symptoms. and i thot i would post the symptoms that related to me and other things too. she called her depression a beast/wolf-like creature. i dont really call my depression anything, but maybe i should..
here are some things i could relate to:
chapter two: symptoms of the beast---sadness, loniless, feeling like your trapped. frustration, stress. always feeling tired and weak. you don't have any drive or ambition, nothing matters; no matter how important it is. slurred or slow speech. headaches. memory loss. " the beast sometimes makes it impossible to fall asleep. "
chapter four: your battle begins now--" watching a good tv show usually helps, too. it was always calming for me to go to a movie because it is quite and peaceful. " I can actually see myself doing that. Plus there are a lot of movies that my parents don't wanna see, so I could just go in town and by myself. It's a small theater so I wouldnt feel overwhelmed. " You can escape and get you mind off your problems for awhile. " Find a hobby... I do need to find a hobby. Something besides photography..soemthing new. " it could be going to the zoo, or being out in nature. " I definately like these things! " Some ways that you can help yourself physically are... Less sugar intake....It's also good to get some vitamins, expecially if you have problems with eating ( I should look into this ). Eat foods with high protien. Exercise.."
chapter five: therapy, hospitalization, and healing--"We started to see a pattern within my depressive behavior. PMS symtpoms and depression symptoms are almost identicical. My hormone levels seemed to be making my depression twice as bad, once a month. That's the last thing you need to deal with!. talk to you therapist or psychiatrist about seeing a gyn. i know it's another dr to see, but it might really help. ( if i had insurance, i'd do this ) it helped me to start taking hormone pills. they didnt interfere with my antidepressants. "
new hair cut:
glasses
no glasses
heres a random before shot...kind of recent.
water colors:
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
QuickEDIT
gotta make this short.
but im frustrated..
went to a new therapist.. made the mistake of telling her everything. after all, thats when you get the most out of therapy if youre honest.
told her i have trichotillomania. she like laughed or was like whats that. i told her where i pull. and she was like oh gosh, (made these weird noises) doesnt that hurt?made me feel real good.
the most logical thing would be to go to a nother therapist. but when youre unemployed and cant get public assistance or insurance, you pretty much just have to go with the county mental health center..
i have more to write. but i cant write it all wright now.
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so my appt didnt go so well. ....
she seems very relaxed and laid back, but still i didnt get good vibes from her, just from what all went on. i try not to judge ppl on the outside, so i am basing my opinions on other things
so like i said above.. she kind of laughed at my hair pulling.
maybe its cus i dont know how to do therapy. she asked what my history was and what worked didnt work. i jsut said i was some meds and none really helped. and i was just in talk therapy... nothing specific.
she kept on asking my questions, which is fine. but then asked me if i had any questions for her. i dont know what im supposed to ask. and i was never in that situation. so i just kept saying no.
then she looked at my individual treatment plan and saw that the cae manager put i had low motivation. she like made all these loud sighs (plus the whole time too). and was pretty much like, i dont know what i can do about that... my interrpretation was there is no help. i cant remember what all she said. but she did say something like maybe i am just going to be like the way i am for the rest of my life. i almost cried. but kept it in. i wanted her to call my mom and tell her what we talked about, bc i knew i wouldnt remember .. but she said that wasnt necessary. so whatever. she wants me parents to come in to talk with her. about my history, how i was in the past and how i am now. so whatever. my mom will be out of town, so my dad will come. i mean obviously i have some motivation, since i showed up. but whatever. then she mentioned some psych testing. cept they dont pay for it. could be 80 bucks or more or less. i guess she wants me to get her done for her benefit. so we dont spend our sessions wasting time to get through to me or whatever. she said the next couple of appts will be just getting know to me. whatever.. its pretty hard...
so that appt was at 11. and by the time it was finished i was exhausted, felt like the afternoon. but i still had some more stuff to do...
before the appt i had to get my tb test read. attempt to drop off my application at laurel oaks. ended up mailing it. then went to the library to get some books on depression. i hope i can read them. since i cant conentrate very well.
then had the appt.
came home ate. my dad and i went to ace to get paint for my room.
came home and eventually took a nap from 3 to 6 about.
thats my day
tomorrow, i have a hair appt. and compeer's painting lessons thing.
but im frustrated..
went to a new therapist.. made the mistake of telling her everything. after all, thats when you get the most out of therapy if youre honest.
told her i have trichotillomania. she like laughed or was like whats that. i told her where i pull. and she was like oh gosh, (made these weird noises) doesnt that hurt?made me feel real good.
the most logical thing would be to go to a nother therapist. but when youre unemployed and cant get public assistance or insurance, you pretty much just have to go with the county mental health center..
i have more to write. but i cant write it all wright now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so my appt didnt go so well. ....
she seems very relaxed and laid back, but still i didnt get good vibes from her, just from what all went on. i try not to judge ppl on the outside, so i am basing my opinions on other things
so like i said above.. she kind of laughed at my hair pulling.
maybe its cus i dont know how to do therapy. she asked what my history was and what worked didnt work. i jsut said i was some meds and none really helped. and i was just in talk therapy... nothing specific.
she kept on asking my questions, which is fine. but then asked me if i had any questions for her. i dont know what im supposed to ask. and i was never in that situation. so i just kept saying no.
then she looked at my individual treatment plan and saw that the cae manager put i had low motivation. she like made all these loud sighs (plus the whole time too). and was pretty much like, i dont know what i can do about that... my interrpretation was there is no help. i cant remember what all she said. but she did say something like maybe i am just going to be like the way i am for the rest of my life. i almost cried. but kept it in. i wanted her to call my mom and tell her what we talked about, bc i knew i wouldnt remember .. but she said that wasnt necessary. so whatever. she wants me parents to come in to talk with her. about my history, how i was in the past and how i am now. so whatever. my mom will be out of town, so my dad will come. i mean obviously i have some motivation, since i showed up. but whatever. then she mentioned some psych testing. cept they dont pay for it. could be 80 bucks or more or less. i guess she wants me to get her done for her benefit. so we dont spend our sessions wasting time to get through to me or whatever. she said the next couple of appts will be just getting know to me. whatever.. its pretty hard...
so that appt was at 11. and by the time it was finished i was exhausted, felt like the afternoon. but i still had some more stuff to do...
before the appt i had to get my tb test read. attempt to drop off my application at laurel oaks. ended up mailing it. then went to the library to get some books on depression. i hope i can read them. since i cant conentrate very well.
then had the appt.
came home ate. my dad and i went to ace to get paint for my room.
came home and eventually took a nap from 3 to 6 about.
thats my day
tomorrow, i have a hair appt. and compeer's painting lessons thing.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Busy day, today
so i had a busy day today...
had a dentist appt at 10,45. thot i had a cavity, but didnt. wonder how much theyll charge me.
went to pick jesse up around 11,15. we went to lunch. and then odd lots and walmart. it was fun.
but i dont know if i wanna do it again. yeah i was a bit uncomfortable bc of my social skills, but i felt peerpressured into buying stuff. oh well. i think i will return everything i bought tho. he may have been in a manic stage or something, super high and wanted to buy everything! i bought stuff i didnt need. and i need to stop buying stuff so yeah..
i had a 2,30 appt in blanchester and wanted to be on the road for that by 2. my mom called around 1,50 seeing where i was. told her i was at my car at walmart and about to take jesse home. so then i was freaking out by the time, but how late it was. and i still needed to get something at my house. so i swung by my house and picked some things up. dropped jesse off at his place. and then called my mom cus i was freaking out. i was not going to be at the drs by 2,30 and i just didnt know what to do. and i had forgotten a piece of paper for the whole reason why i made the appt (i had to have the dr fill out a medical cert. like a physical). so my mom ended up calling the drs. and i went back home and picked it up. and drove one. i called my mom, she said they said i had to be there by 2,45. i was freaking out and crying, and reaally not well enough to drive over there, but i did. got there around 2,45. they said theyd have to ask the dr if i was too late. turns out they had an opening at 3. so i waited. it worked out fine. i told her some other concerns and i feel so dumb. i always go in the wth these bizarre concerns and she always tells me its nothing to worry about it or says its the medicine im on. i am so frustrated with no knowing whats wrong with me. i am determined to find out why i feel so bad. its mentally , but also physically. and before the dr came in,, i got my vitals. the lady took my pulse on the left, and said, mmm lemme check the other arm, youre usually not that high/fast. checked the toher one, same thing. i was thinking to myself, myaybe finally something will be wrong, everything will ctach up with me and something will be wrong... but no.. nothing.. whatever...
so thats that... oh yeah i got the physical, bc i think i am going to do an stna program. its a 2 week long course./program. not too excited about it and not too devasted. i just dont care. ill try it. but then go from there. i dont know. stna stands for state tested nurse assistant.. like a nurse aide. who knows what ill dow ith it..
sorry for the typos. i feel so shaking and just cant type rihgt.
everything seems like a huge effort for me.. typing, reading, walking, etc. i cant even sleep at night .. i go to bed early. lie there. and eventually fall asleep, but then ill wake up several times a night. i cant drive very well. im surprised i havent killed anyone. i always freak out. cus im like. oh shit, i didnt see that person/car.. etc.. i dont know. i feel like im in a daze all the time and esp. while driving. yeah i know some ppl get hypnotized while driving.. but this is different.
im lonely.. im tired... god i dont know.
see my new therapist tomorrow. ill see how that goes. im sure ill have something to write about from that..
i dont know. im getting a headache.
had a dentist appt at 10,45. thot i had a cavity, but didnt. wonder how much theyll charge me.
went to pick jesse up around 11,15. we went to lunch. and then odd lots and walmart. it was fun.
but i dont know if i wanna do it again. yeah i was a bit uncomfortable bc of my social skills, but i felt peerpressured into buying stuff. oh well. i think i will return everything i bought tho. he may have been in a manic stage or something, super high and wanted to buy everything! i bought stuff i didnt need. and i need to stop buying stuff so yeah..
i had a 2,30 appt in blanchester and wanted to be on the road for that by 2. my mom called around 1,50 seeing where i was. told her i was at my car at walmart and about to take jesse home. so then i was freaking out by the time, but how late it was. and i still needed to get something at my house. so i swung by my house and picked some things up. dropped jesse off at his place. and then called my mom cus i was freaking out. i was not going to be at the drs by 2,30 and i just didnt know what to do. and i had forgotten a piece of paper for the whole reason why i made the appt (i had to have the dr fill out a medical cert. like a physical). so my mom ended up calling the drs. and i went back home and picked it up. and drove one. i called my mom, she said they said i had to be there by 2,45. i was freaking out and crying, and reaally not well enough to drive over there, but i did. got there around 2,45. they said theyd have to ask the dr if i was too late. turns out they had an opening at 3. so i waited. it worked out fine. i told her some other concerns and i feel so dumb. i always go in the wth these bizarre concerns and she always tells me its nothing to worry about it or says its the medicine im on. i am so frustrated with no knowing whats wrong with me. i am determined to find out why i feel so bad. its mentally , but also physically. and before the dr came in,, i got my vitals. the lady took my pulse on the left, and said, mmm lemme check the other arm, youre usually not that high/fast. checked the toher one, same thing. i was thinking to myself, myaybe finally something will be wrong, everything will ctach up with me and something will be wrong... but no.. nothing.. whatever...
so thats that... oh yeah i got the physical, bc i think i am going to do an stna program. its a 2 week long course./program. not too excited about it and not too devasted. i just dont care. ill try it. but then go from there. i dont know. stna stands for state tested nurse assistant.. like a nurse aide. who knows what ill dow ith it..
sorry for the typos. i feel so shaking and just cant type rihgt.
everything seems like a huge effort for me.. typing, reading, walking, etc. i cant even sleep at night .. i go to bed early. lie there. and eventually fall asleep, but then ill wake up several times a night. i cant drive very well. im surprised i havent killed anyone. i always freak out. cus im like. oh shit, i didnt see that person/car.. etc.. i dont know. i feel like im in a daze all the time and esp. while driving. yeah i know some ppl get hypnotized while driving.. but this is different.
im lonely.. im tired... god i dont know.
see my new therapist tomorrow. ill see how that goes. im sure ill have something to write about from that..
i dont know. im getting a headache.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Shake, Shake, shake
first off, i am sorry... i havent been keeping up on my favorites. maybe on a non busy day when
im not so completely tired, i will catch up on things. so yeah, im sorry.
thanks for you notes though. i dont wanna leave a note on an entry that i havent read. so i will
leave a general thanks in here. and yeah i guess im still able to write an entry, but too tired to read one.. i dont know. sorry if i sound selfish..
so today.. got up around 8:15. left the house around 9:30 for columbus. me and my mom drove up to my sisters apt. my sister took me shopping. went to a cute restaurant.. cosi's. good food. then went to filiene's basement. i got like 5 shirts and one pair of nice pants. for my bday, my sister got me a 50 dollar personal shopping spree. well that was in may. and we finally got around to doing it. she has good tastes and stuff i wouldnt have thot would look good on me, i ended up getting. i need to add up my savings. cus the store sells designer clothing for cheap. anyways, she spent like twice the amount she was suppose to. and my mom bought me a pair of pants as well. oh well. i appreciate it tho. but then i treat them, mainly my mom, like dirt... i get so damn irritable and tense these days. got some jeni's ice cream. had to do that! then drove home.
well actually we drove to dayton to meet my dad to see hair spray. my sister and husband, my parents and me. it was good. finny. then we drove home and went for pizza. came back here and looked at their honeymoon pictures.
i have been noticing it more and more. and have noticed it before i went on this new medicine. that i shake. and something my whole body feels like its shaking. my mouth quivers or whatever. and my head shakes. kind of like im body or shivering, but im not. so i have no idea what thats about. but i have no insurance so i cant go to a dr.
im kind of depressed about my last entry. i only got one post/reply to it on the board. but thats not why im depressed. i just see my sister and her husband, and just yearn for something like that.. i dont know.. oh well.
im tired. but i just 'had' to get on here. and i wanted to write about my shakiness..
im not so completely tired, i will catch up on things. so yeah, im sorry.
thanks for you notes though. i dont wanna leave a note on an entry that i havent read. so i will
leave a general thanks in here. and yeah i guess im still able to write an entry, but too tired to read one.. i dont know. sorry if i sound selfish..
so today.. got up around 8:15. left the house around 9:30 for columbus. me and my mom drove up to my sisters apt. my sister took me shopping. went to a cute restaurant.. cosi's. good food. then went to filiene's basement. i got like 5 shirts and one pair of nice pants. for my bday, my sister got me a 50 dollar personal shopping spree. well that was in may. and we finally got around to doing it. she has good tastes and stuff i wouldnt have thot would look good on me, i ended up getting. i need to add up my savings. cus the store sells designer clothing for cheap. anyways, she spent like twice the amount she was suppose to. and my mom bought me a pair of pants as well. oh well. i appreciate it tho. but then i treat them, mainly my mom, like dirt... i get so damn irritable and tense these days. got some jeni's ice cream. had to do that! then drove home.
well actually we drove to dayton to meet my dad to see hair spray. my sister and husband, my parents and me. it was good. finny. then we drove home and went for pizza. came back here and looked at their honeymoon pictures.
i have been noticing it more and more. and have noticed it before i went on this new medicine. that i shake. and something my whole body feels like its shaking. my mouth quivers or whatever. and my head shakes. kind of like im body or shivering, but im not. so i have no idea what thats about. but i have no insurance so i cant go to a dr.
im kind of depressed about my last entry. i only got one post/reply to it on the board. but thats not why im depressed. i just see my sister and her husband, and just yearn for something like that.. i dont know.. oh well.
im tired. but i just 'had' to get on here. and i wanted to write about my shakiness..
Friday, July 20, 2007
Shakira=Awesome!!
I just posted this on a group I am in on Myspace. The Asexual group. Anyways.. here it is:
Hey all. Just thought I could post this in here.What if someone is not interested in dating anyone (guy or girl)? What does that make them? I know labels aren't accurate and polite, etc. But is that normal. Okay, well it's me. I won't put someone because it makes it complicated to write about. I mean, it could be because I am on anti-depressants and have been for several years.
But other than that I can't explain it or haven't a clue as to why I feel this way. I am pretty darn sure I am asexual. I have no desire to have sex. It grosses me out. Even kissing grosses me out. I sound like a little girl, but it's true. That's how I feel. But I thought anti-depressants just decrease the sexual desire. So why don't I want to be attracted to anyone? I know no one is going to have answers on here. But is there anyone else like me. ??I have been meaning to post this on here, for some time. So I apologize if this doesn;t belong on this board. -------
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Then I have this to add, which I didn't post on Myspace because I forgot.
I have been wanting someone in my life. So maybe I am attracted to someone. Or maybe it's because I have no friends and just feel so alone. I don't know. But I want to go to dating sites and look for ppl. Probably because I am lonely. I am glad I didn't post this part, cus it's jumbling and really is irrevelent. But yeah, I don't know which sex to choose. I am a woman, yeah..
Seeking a Male or Female.... That is when I don't know what to choose. So I don't know. I am fearful that this is not making any sense..
Got some CDs in the mail today...Shakira: Oral Fixation Vol2. Natalie Merchant: Retrospective. Norah Jones: Feel like home. and Come away with me... I don't think that's the album title. But I got the two earliest albums by her, NOT the more recent one.
I'm listening to Shakira right now. I love her voice!
Nothing much happened today.
In fact, I didn't really go out of the house today.. well I went out more than most days. I did go out to Ace and Blockbuster with my dad after supper. And took a walk with my dog and parents.
Man, there's this HP thing going on in our town. It's fucking redicoulous! Tons of people. But whatever. If it brings in revenue for this town, then good. Ha, I sound so funny!
Jesse called to see if I wanted to go to lunch next week. He left a message, and said he'd call back later. But I went ahead and called him. Talked for a bit. He's funny. But I need some more adjectives to say on the phone. I am so bland when I am on the phone.. well in person too. But we are going to lunch next week.
I think I am worse off than him. He goes to AA meetings. Granted, they are full of felons and gross people. But at least he gets some social stimulation and intereaction. I have no one... Blah.
Oh well.
Okay, Getting a headache.. again.. No idea why I have these headaches.. But yeah. fourth day in a row.
Hey all. Just thought I could post this in here.What if someone is not interested in dating anyone (guy or girl)? What does that make them? I know labels aren't accurate and polite, etc. But is that normal. Okay, well it's me. I won't put someone because it makes it complicated to write about. I mean, it could be because I am on anti-depressants and have been for several years.
But other than that I can't explain it or haven't a clue as to why I feel this way. I am pretty darn sure I am asexual. I have no desire to have sex. It grosses me out. Even kissing grosses me out. I sound like a little girl, but it's true. That's how I feel. But I thought anti-depressants just decrease the sexual desire. So why don't I want to be attracted to anyone? I know no one is going to have answers on here. But is there anyone else like me. ??I have been meaning to post this on here, for some time. So I apologize if this doesn;t belong on this board. -------
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Then I have this to add, which I didn't post on Myspace because I forgot.
I have been wanting someone in my life. So maybe I am attracted to someone. Or maybe it's because I have no friends and just feel so alone. I don't know. But I want to go to dating sites and look for ppl. Probably because I am lonely. I am glad I didn't post this part, cus it's jumbling and really is irrevelent. But yeah, I don't know which sex to choose. I am a woman, yeah..
Seeking a Male or Female.... That is when I don't know what to choose. So I don't know. I am fearful that this is not making any sense..
Got some CDs in the mail today...Shakira: Oral Fixation Vol2. Natalie Merchant: Retrospective. Norah Jones: Feel like home. and Come away with me... I don't think that's the album title. But I got the two earliest albums by her, NOT the more recent one.
I'm listening to Shakira right now. I love her voice!
Nothing much happened today.
In fact, I didn't really go out of the house today.. well I went out more than most days. I did go out to Ace and Blockbuster with my dad after supper. And took a walk with my dog and parents.
Man, there's this HP thing going on in our town. It's fucking redicoulous! Tons of people. But whatever. If it brings in revenue for this town, then good. Ha, I sound so funny!
Jesse called to see if I wanted to go to lunch next week. He left a message, and said he'd call back later. But I went ahead and called him. Talked for a bit. He's funny. But I need some more adjectives to say on the phone. I am so bland when I am on the phone.. well in person too. But we are going to lunch next week.
I think I am worse off than him. He goes to AA meetings. Granted, they are full of felons and gross people. But at least he gets some social stimulation and intereaction. I have no one... Blah.
Oh well.
Okay, Getting a headache.. again.. No idea why I have these headaches.. But yeah. fourth day in a row.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I'm burning up..
god i feel sick.. i have this huge fear of throwing up..
ihavent felt so great the past two days. tues nite i had a headache of some sort. my stomach hurt and i was dizzy and stuff. today, wednesday, i had a migraine/headache for the last half of the day. now my stomach hurts. it hurt after eating dinner. it feels how my stomach feels before i am about to have diarhhea. sorry tmi, i dont care.. but i am constipated so its just the feeling and no diarrhea.
i dont know anyone..
so i thot it would be a good idea to become a volunteer for the compeer program.. being on the giving end instead of the receiveing end. the application has a reference section. i have to put 4 down. i only have three. barely two or one. but yeah.. so i wont be able to put a forth down. its so hard filling out apps, bc of references.. no wonder i dont have a job..
uhm.. i finally have an appt with a therapist at the center... cept its the person who i didnt want to be with. i usually dont judge ppl by their looks. but in this case i am.. oh well. i have an appt. wednesday. so wish me luck..
i laid down around 1130pm tonite. and couldnt fall asleep. the weather alert went off around midnight. i got up and turned it off...felt really dixxy and came back to bed... felt naucious. then i thot id turn the tv on and check the weather. so i watched tv for a bit then.. then turned it off. laid back down.. then came on here.. i cannot sleep. i dont think im really tired tho.. i dont know..
i should be cleaning my room during times like these. but im afraid bugs will be hiding underneath a pile and itll freak me out.. since its dark and nighttime. yeah im weird..
uhg i got a headache and feel funny... this sucks..
its thundering again.. blah.. i hope the electtricty doesnt go off
my mom is thinking about getting a dog. i think its weird. but i think she wants to get another one for her or oscar. i dont know why she is thinking about getting another dog. its not going to replace chester.. so who knows.. shes looking online at humane societys and resuce sites. it has to be non shedding and hypo allergenic for me. so i dont know what will come of it
tomorrow im going for a volunteer lunch for compeer. to a buffet. sounds terrible to me, right now. i hope i feel halfway better tomorrow. then i have the painting lessons with the group. i acutally like that. i wish i could get the same supplies and paint on my own. but its probly expensice.
sorry for the typos.. i dont feel like correcting them
i dontknow what else to writeabout..
ihavent felt so great the past two days. tues nite i had a headache of some sort. my stomach hurt and i was dizzy and stuff. today, wednesday, i had a migraine/headache for the last half of the day. now my stomach hurts. it hurt after eating dinner. it feels how my stomach feels before i am about to have diarhhea. sorry tmi, i dont care.. but i am constipated so its just the feeling and no diarrhea.
i dont know anyone..
so i thot it would be a good idea to become a volunteer for the compeer program.. being on the giving end instead of the receiveing end. the application has a reference section. i have to put 4 down. i only have three. barely two or one. but yeah.. so i wont be able to put a forth down. its so hard filling out apps, bc of references.. no wonder i dont have a job..
uhm.. i finally have an appt with a therapist at the center... cept its the person who i didnt want to be with. i usually dont judge ppl by their looks. but in this case i am.. oh well. i have an appt. wednesday. so wish me luck..
i laid down around 1130pm tonite. and couldnt fall asleep. the weather alert went off around midnight. i got up and turned it off...felt really dixxy and came back to bed... felt naucious. then i thot id turn the tv on and check the weather. so i watched tv for a bit then.. then turned it off. laid back down.. then came on here.. i cannot sleep. i dont think im really tired tho.. i dont know..
i should be cleaning my room during times like these. but im afraid bugs will be hiding underneath a pile and itll freak me out.. since its dark and nighttime. yeah im weird..
uhg i got a headache and feel funny... this sucks..
its thundering again.. blah.. i hope the electtricty doesnt go off
my mom is thinking about getting a dog. i think its weird. but i think she wants to get another one for her or oscar. i dont know why she is thinking about getting another dog. its not going to replace chester.. so who knows.. shes looking online at humane societys and resuce sites. it has to be non shedding and hypo allergenic for me. so i dont know what will come of it
tomorrow im going for a volunteer lunch for compeer. to a buffet. sounds terrible to me, right now. i hope i feel halfway better tomorrow. then i have the painting lessons with the group. i acutally like that. i wish i could get the same supplies and paint on my own. but its probly expensice.
sorry for the typos.. i dont feel like correcting them
i dontknow what else to writeabout..
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Kind of random
Kind of random, but I left this note on someone's journal. The wrote about Sleep anxiety. The title, excited me, because I experience it..'cept anxiety of sleep. No idea if that's the same thing.. But here's the note. I don't feel like re writing it.
Thanks for the article. I think I anxiety of sleep. If there is a difference.. But I am tired. But I know if I lie down, I will not fall asleep right away. So I end up thinking and worrying about stuff. Instead of lieing down, I stay up-watch a movie or tc, go on the internet. I do all this even though I am so exhausted. I have this fear that I won't be able to sleep 'cus I will be thinking...
....and I guess that really doesn't make sense..But oh well. And I have heard watching tv or being on the computer before bed, stimulates the brain too much. And then it keeps you from sleeping. Soooo.. Im screwing my self over. Or, maybe from doing all that, it racks my brain and that's why I think and worry when I'm lieing down. So.. sorry for randomness and whatever. The article was good.
Thanks for the article. I think I anxiety of sleep. If there is a difference.. But I am tired. But I know if I lie down, I will not fall asleep right away. So I end up thinking and worrying about stuff. Instead of lieing down, I stay up-watch a movie or tc, go on the internet. I do all this even though I am so exhausted. I have this fear that I won't be able to sleep 'cus I will be thinking...
....and I guess that really doesn't make sense..But oh well. And I have heard watching tv or being on the computer before bed, stimulates the brain too much. And then it keeps you from sleeping. Soooo.. Im screwing my self over. Or, maybe from doing all that, it racks my brain and that's why I think and worry when I'm lieing down. So.. sorry for randomness and whatever. The article was good.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
sadness
i dont know. i had been feeling so-so later in the week. today was ok. until i found out one girl i went to school with is getting married.. i found it out thru facebook, of all places.. actually i found out someone else was getting married , thru facebook, as well. i kind of competed with her in hs. and it just makes me sad. im not even remotely interested in dating or to be in a relationship. and everyone seems like they are getting married. i dont know. it makes me sad.. and then i think, if i only i would have been friends with her, i could have maybe at least been invited to the wedding.. i dont know.
..in more detail..
so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.
ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.
i did start new medicines..
i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..
my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.
i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.
my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..
my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.
..in more detail..
so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.
ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.
i did start new medicines..
i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..
my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.
i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.
my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..
my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
so today..
so today...
got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.
i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.
started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..
actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.
then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.
then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..
then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.
came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.
and thats that.. i think..
i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.
i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.
i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.
ok my hands hurt.
i think thats all i wanted to write about..
oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..
ciao
got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.
i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.
started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..
actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.
then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.
then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..
then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.
came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.
and thats that.. i think..
i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.
i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.
i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.
ok my hands hurt.
i think thats all i wanted to write about..
oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..
ciao
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
none
so i dont know.
im so incredibly depressed and alone.
sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.
saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.
then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.
monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..
tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..
i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..
i feel trapped...
i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.
no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..
im so incredibly depressed and alone.
sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.
saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.
then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.
monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..
tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..
i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..
i feel trapped...
i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.
no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Friday, July 6, 2007
None
so im depressed. i need to cry, but what good will that do.. nothing.. i think when my mood changes from good to bad, thats when i get all tense.. i dont know. just an observation..
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.
i dont know.
i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.
i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.
SI TRIGGER
i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.
END
i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..
my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..
end...
**photos in the previous entry**
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.
i dont know.
i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.
i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.
SI TRIGGER
i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.
END
i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..
my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..
end...
**photos in the previous entry**
PHOTOS
A pink flower bud on tree. I don't know what kind of tree/flower it is. Then I tried to get the rain droplet. It sort of showed up.
I have never taken photographs of fireworks. All of these have been cropped. I like this one.
Number 2
I really like this one. It reminds me of a galaxy image or something similar, not sure what it's called.
Number 4
This one was low to the ground. For some reason I wanted the ground/street lights to be in the photo (that's why I didn't cut it out).
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
S.hare O.ur S.trength
12:05am Thursday, July 05, 2007
I wanna do something. I want to have a bake sale. I saw an ad with this link, on tv: www.greatamericanbakesale.org i feel so selfish for sitting on my ass and not doing anything. while i am being lazy and down, i could be helping others. instead of throwing out uneaten food or eating food that ultimately makes me feel worse, i could be giving that food, money, and time to hungry children. i went to the GAB sale website. i think i could do something like that. but i highly doubt its as easy as it sounds. youhave to know ppl, you have to be outgoing and have leadership. so i am gonna look online and see what i can find. i really wanna do this. maybe theres a meet up nearby. im sure theres nothing in my town, but maybe in another town. ill check out meetup.com or whatever it is.
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fireworks were fine. just got me out of the house. took the tripod and my digital, but the pics sucked. guess i need to read up on how to take good fireworks shots. but you only have a once a year chance to photograph or practice here, atleast in my town/area.
idk still feeling trapped.
im a selfish peice of shit.
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edit:
so the video embed thing didnt work. maybe you can just click the first youtube link.. its a video on the sos org. share our strength, end child hunger
I wanna do something. I want to have a bake sale. I saw an ad with this link, on tv: www.greatamericanbakesale.org i feel so selfish for sitting on my ass and not doing anything. while i am being lazy and down, i could be helping others. instead of throwing out uneaten food or eating food that ultimately makes me feel worse, i could be giving that food, money, and time to hungry children. i went to the GAB sale website. i think i could do something like that. but i highly doubt its as easy as it sounds. youhave to know ppl, you have to be outgoing and have leadership. so i am gonna look online and see what i can find. i really wanna do this. maybe theres a meet up nearby. im sure theres nothing in my town, but maybe in another town. ill check out meetup.com or whatever it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fireworks were fine. just got me out of the house. took the tripod and my digital, but the pics sucked. guess i need to read up on how to take good fireworks shots. but you only have a once a year chance to photograph or practice here, atleast in my town/area.
idk still feeling trapped.
im a selfish peice of shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit:
so the video embed thing didnt work. maybe you can just click the first youtube link.. its a video on the sos org. share our strength, end child hunger
Hi
theres a bunch of concerts i wanna go to, but on one to go with. and im not going with my mom. i should probly try going to one by myself. but i dont know. if i could do it. and once i buy a ticket, i would feel obligated to stay, cus i paid for it and then end up staying just for that reason, and not have a good time.. i dont know.. whatever
my parents got back today. ... god...
they left fri morning, and came back this afternoon. i loved being here on my own. i really didnt do anything, but it was free of tension and no argueing and no yelling or anything. i really liked it.
i was completely honest with them and said i didnt miss them and i didnt want them coming back. so yeah. we all have been yelling at eachother. i can feel the tension. and i am feel trapped once again. i have no where to go. yeah i have a car, but where am i gonna drive to and id have to end up coming back here anyways, so its dumb.
uhm i dont know. so i worked my ass off yesterday cleaning the house up for my mom. but then she is going to re-clean everything. i knew that would happen, but god it really irritates me that she does that.
we are having two ladies stay with us thrusday nite. i think im supposed to entertain them. im hoping they just go straight to bed thurs day nite. but who knows. they are partof the indian children's chorus. i wanted to host some kids, but i guess we called too late. so we have the two teachers. the performance is 7pm on thrus. and then i have to take them back to church around 8:45 on fri. short time.
had the bvr appt. i had written down all the prospects i had been doing on my own and all the ways i have tried comunicating with her. and was planning on reading it. but didnt.. she admitted it was her fault or their fault having to contact me so late. i was just like, ok. and didnt say thats ok. cus its not ok, and i wasnt going to accept her apology. so the first step of the plan is to get some vocational testing. so i will see if she ever calls me back. cus she had called in april or may saying she was going to call a vocational testing place. turned out she just left a msg and neither the testing place or her got back with eachother. and thats pretty much what is happening here. she called while i was there to see her and left a msg with someone. so i will call her mon or tues and check up on it.
i have no idea what i wanna do. i told her some ideas. i like working with old peopl, maybe stna stuff, or something similiar. i like animals and i have an office cert. but thats all i said. allong with teh vocational testing, i will be getting a psych test as well. which is good. i havent had one of those in several years. so i definately wanna do the testing and i will be reimbursed for milage bc its out of town. ha, nothing like that here where i am.. so yeah
so i guess my neighbor did not die after all.
i went over and chatted the the wife monday or tuesday afternoon. it was fine. and i guess she cant see very well, so i didnt feel intimadated or shy-like. thats good. i guess thats the good thing about old people. they cant see very well and probly really dont care if youre ugly at all, they just like the company. so i felt good that i went and saw her. i took her one trash bag out to the curb for her. so yeah i guess i was over the monday, cus trash gets picked up around 4am on tues.
my dad and i might go to the fireworks. just sit in a parking lot near by. i may take pictures. altho i am afraid he will start lecturing me.. god, oh well. maybe ill take oscar. or something, i dont know.. whatever
my parents got back today. ... god...
they left fri morning, and came back this afternoon. i loved being here on my own. i really didnt do anything, but it was free of tension and no argueing and no yelling or anything. i really liked it.
i was completely honest with them and said i didnt miss them and i didnt want them coming back. so yeah. we all have been yelling at eachother. i can feel the tension. and i am feel trapped once again. i have no where to go. yeah i have a car, but where am i gonna drive to and id have to end up coming back here anyways, so its dumb.
uhm i dont know. so i worked my ass off yesterday cleaning the house up for my mom. but then she is going to re-clean everything. i knew that would happen, but god it really irritates me that she does that.
we are having two ladies stay with us thrusday nite. i think im supposed to entertain them. im hoping they just go straight to bed thurs day nite. but who knows. they are partof the indian children's chorus. i wanted to host some kids, but i guess we called too late. so we have the two teachers. the performance is 7pm on thrus. and then i have to take them back to church around 8:45 on fri. short time.
had the bvr appt. i had written down all the prospects i had been doing on my own and all the ways i have tried comunicating with her. and was planning on reading it. but didnt.. she admitted it was her fault or their fault having to contact me so late. i was just like, ok. and didnt say thats ok. cus its not ok, and i wasnt going to accept her apology. so the first step of the plan is to get some vocational testing. so i will see if she ever calls me back. cus she had called in april or may saying she was going to call a vocational testing place. turned out she just left a msg and neither the testing place or her got back with eachother. and thats pretty much what is happening here. she called while i was there to see her and left a msg with someone. so i will call her mon or tues and check up on it.
i have no idea what i wanna do. i told her some ideas. i like working with old peopl, maybe stna stuff, or something similiar. i like animals and i have an office cert. but thats all i said. allong with teh vocational testing, i will be getting a psych test as well. which is good. i havent had one of those in several years. so i definately wanna do the testing and i will be reimbursed for milage bc its out of town. ha, nothing like that here where i am.. so yeah
so i guess my neighbor did not die after all.
i went over and chatted the the wife monday or tuesday afternoon. it was fine. and i guess she cant see very well, so i didnt feel intimadated or shy-like. thats good. i guess thats the good thing about old people. they cant see very well and probly really dont care if youre ugly at all, they just like the company. so i felt good that i went and saw her. i took her one trash bag out to the curb for her. so yeah i guess i was over the monday, cus trash gets picked up around 4am on tues.
my dad and i might go to the fireworks. just sit in a parking lot near by. i may take pictures. altho i am afraid he will start lecturing me.. god, oh well. maybe ill take oscar. or something, i dont know.. whatever
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Poop
i wonder if anyone ever journals while going to the bathroom or while having sex.. is that even possible?
okay well i drove up to columbus saturday. ocscar came. the ride up wasnt bad, he sat in his seat thing i made him. when i got there, i unloaded stuff and took him into my sister's apt. and then me and my sister were going to go shopping while mark, her husband, stayed home with the dog. yeah well we didnt shop, by the time we found a parking space, mark had already called three times. he kept calling bc oscar wouldnt stop whining or settle down. i guess he isnt a dog person. he obviously was freaking out. well i should say this.. they arent allowed to have pets in the apt.. so, thats why he was freaking out. and i guess they called the police on the nieghbors the night before, and the neighbors know that bevin called the police on them. so i guess they were worried about them paying bevin and mark back.. so yeah. finally the third time he called. we had to go back home. it sucked, cus bc of oscar we couldnt do our plans. he is just so attached to me and freaks out when im not around. makes me feel loved, though. so we stayed in and played games. then since we couldnt go out to eat, we took a walk and thot we were gonna eat at some mini street fair. but ended up coming home. got some kfc, and dessert at giant eagle and then took a picnic supper to the park. played a few games there. then came home and watched ice age 2. so it wasnt a complete bust. the picnic was nice and i lile playing games. i even told my sister that we could just put him in kennel, but later i was thinking, that wouldnt have worked, cus i dont have any medical records on him, well with me. so yeah. it was fine. i think they were ready for oscar to leave. and i wanted to get home.
when i was leaving, oscar started barking, and bevin freaked out and was yelling at him and then telling me he cant bark and i needed to stop him from barking. i really dont think i over-reacted. i thot it wasnt a big deal. we were walking out the door, just one or two barks werent gonna matter. so when i got out the door. she was like,***, dont be like that. i guess she thot i was over-reacting or something. who knows. but no im gonna be like me, and im not gonna change. i remeber her friends were having a conlifct or dont get along anytmore and one of them wants the other to change. when the girl who was told to change, was like, no, this is me, and im not gnna change fore you. that incident reminded me of that. it pisses me. she does this all the time. we are not always gonna get along. and when i act like im over-reacting just dealt with it.
earlier she and i were talking about this compeer program. i agree i am one of the most normal persons in it. but she coudlnt understand why i was even having amentor. i was like, uhm depression, and anxiety. she said something like well depression is so common these days, i dont really think its an issue. then shes like, well i guess it could be considered a mental illness, but 1 in 5 ppl are depressed. that pissed me off. but its true. no one really takes depression seriously. but no one has said that to me face.. im surprised i didnt start crying, but of course she would have yelled at me for 'over reacting' whatever...
i have a bvr appt tomorrow. no idea whats supposed to happen. bvr is supposed to help me get a job. and i have tried to contact this counselor for ages and im just now getting a meeting with her.. i dont know. i dont feel like explain it. im already making tons of typos...
so my appt at the MH place was fine. i met with a case manager. she looked fairly normal. had to get an isp, kind of like a treatment plan. nothing moving forward from that, tho.
civil service test was fine. i thot it was harder than the mail messenger one. this one was for clerk 1 and 2. stopped over at bevins after the test.
thursday..dentist appt. he offered to refund my money for the bite splint. bc there is nothing he can do.. talked about me seeing an oral surgeon, yeah right, i dont have any insurance. so i was like can i just try it for a bit longer and then come back. thinking i would be dedicated to wear it at least several hours a day for a week.
i think one of our neighbors died. we call him chairman. he always sat outside and looked or watched the nieghborhood. and smoked. he was old. 80s probly. but he went into the hospital to have a procedure done. maybe last week or last wednesday. guess after the surgery, there were complications. fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, and his kidney were failing. so he was in icu. then i got a call from the wife, this moening, she left a msg. saying to just keep an eye on her place when were in and out. she is pretty old too, worse off then what her husband is/was. think shes almost blind and cant hear real well and uses a walker. i thought about going over the this evening. but i think i will go tomorrow. see if she needs anything. i wanted to be the first one to stop by. but who knows who all she called. bu my dad used to go over and talk to chairman. so i may go over tomorrow.
joanna came over friday. we hung out around the house. i suck at entertaining, so it was kind of awkward when i ddint know what to do or say. we watched norbit and ordered pizza. not sure if she liked it or not. shes really christian-y and i am just afraid some parts were inapporpite or risque. it was ok. some parts funny.
.
i dont know i guess thats it, for now.
okay well i drove up to columbus saturday. ocscar came. the ride up wasnt bad, he sat in his seat thing i made him. when i got there, i unloaded stuff and took him into my sister's apt. and then me and my sister were going to go shopping while mark, her husband, stayed home with the dog. yeah well we didnt shop, by the time we found a parking space, mark had already called three times. he kept calling bc oscar wouldnt stop whining or settle down. i guess he isnt a dog person. he obviously was freaking out. well i should say this.. they arent allowed to have pets in the apt.. so, thats why he was freaking out. and i guess they called the police on the nieghbors the night before, and the neighbors know that bevin called the police on them. so i guess they were worried about them paying bevin and mark back.. so yeah. finally the third time he called. we had to go back home. it sucked, cus bc of oscar we couldnt do our plans. he is just so attached to me and freaks out when im not around. makes me feel loved, though. so we stayed in and played games. then since we couldnt go out to eat, we took a walk and thot we were gonna eat at some mini street fair. but ended up coming home. got some kfc, and dessert at giant eagle and then took a picnic supper to the park. played a few games there. then came home and watched ice age 2. so it wasnt a complete bust. the picnic was nice and i lile playing games. i even told my sister that we could just put him in kennel, but later i was thinking, that wouldnt have worked, cus i dont have any medical records on him, well with me. so yeah. it was fine. i think they were ready for oscar to leave. and i wanted to get home.
when i was leaving, oscar started barking, and bevin freaked out and was yelling at him and then telling me he cant bark and i needed to stop him from barking. i really dont think i over-reacted. i thot it wasnt a big deal. we were walking out the door, just one or two barks werent gonna matter. so when i got out the door. she was like,***, dont be like that. i guess she thot i was over-reacting or something. who knows. but no im gonna be like me, and im not gonna change. i remeber her friends were having a conlifct or dont get along anytmore and one of them wants the other to change. when the girl who was told to change, was like, no, this is me, and im not gnna change fore you. that incident reminded me of that. it pisses me. she does this all the time. we are not always gonna get along. and when i act like im over-reacting just dealt with it.
earlier she and i were talking about this compeer program. i agree i am one of the most normal persons in it. but she coudlnt understand why i was even having amentor. i was like, uhm depression, and anxiety. she said something like well depression is so common these days, i dont really think its an issue. then shes like, well i guess it could be considered a mental illness, but 1 in 5 ppl are depressed. that pissed me off. but its true. no one really takes depression seriously. but no one has said that to me face.. im surprised i didnt start crying, but of course she would have yelled at me for 'over reacting' whatever...
i have a bvr appt tomorrow. no idea whats supposed to happen. bvr is supposed to help me get a job. and i have tried to contact this counselor for ages and im just now getting a meeting with her.. i dont know. i dont feel like explain it. im already making tons of typos...
so my appt at the MH place was fine. i met with a case manager. she looked fairly normal. had to get an isp, kind of like a treatment plan. nothing moving forward from that, tho.
civil service test was fine. i thot it was harder than the mail messenger one. this one was for clerk 1 and 2. stopped over at bevins after the test.
thursday..dentist appt. he offered to refund my money for the bite splint. bc there is nothing he can do.. talked about me seeing an oral surgeon, yeah right, i dont have any insurance. so i was like can i just try it for a bit longer and then come back. thinking i would be dedicated to wear it at least several hours a day for a week.
i think one of our neighbors died. we call him chairman. he always sat outside and looked or watched the nieghborhood. and smoked. he was old. 80s probly. but he went into the hospital to have a procedure done. maybe last week or last wednesday. guess after the surgery, there were complications. fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, and his kidney were failing. so he was in icu. then i got a call from the wife, this moening, she left a msg. saying to just keep an eye on her place when were in and out. she is pretty old too, worse off then what her husband is/was. think shes almost blind and cant hear real well and uses a walker. i thought about going over the this evening. but i think i will go tomorrow. see if she needs anything. i wanted to be the first one to stop by. but who knows who all she called. bu my dad used to go over and talk to chairman. so i may go over tomorrow.
joanna came over friday. we hung out around the house. i suck at entertaining, so it was kind of awkward when i ddint know what to do or say. we watched norbit and ordered pizza. not sure if she liked it or not. shes really christian-y and i am just afraid some parts were inapporpite or risque. it was ok. some parts funny.
.
i dont know i guess thats it, for now.
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