started at 11:08pm

11:10pm**


Thursday, June 14, 2007

watching half nelson at the moment.

im at the scene where the teacher is at his parents/family's house for dinner. he sitting there just observing. he is depressed, i believe. the parents are talking to the brother and DIL. the mom then is about to say something to the teacher, her son. but then the father chimes in about something. so she never finished her thought. reminds me of me. i just sit there whenever there is company or whatever over. like i am so depressed, but no one will notice. i dont know. this scene really hits home.

more later..maybe...


edit- 11:55pm

so there was another scene...dre, the teacher's student. delivered some drugs to the teacher. yeah you have to see the movie.. but that part was powerful.. really..

but good movie. Half Nelson, look it up.

I feel like cutting who nows what i will do. whatever.. you're a chicken, you really are


edit, again-12:59am

so today....what did i do today?

got up around 12:15. had a huge headache. i always get the same type of headaches if i have been in bed too long. so yeah had that.. started my period. no idea that was coming. i say that cus usually a week or so, my moods change and this time, nothing.. maybe its bc my mood is changing because of other shit. or i cant get any moodier that now.. i dont know. then i had to go pick of some strawberries and mail some things for my mom. came home and sat on my ass and played with the dog. then around 6 my mom and i went out to eat. then i came home and went to my grandparents. then i came home and watched half nelson.

i called the state to see if i could reschedule my test on monday. its at 8:30 in the morning. it takes around 1.25 hours to get there. id have to get up around 5:30 6 o'clock. and i drive on my own. not good. but no one called me back..had to leave a msg. then i got this idea that i would drive up to my sister's place sunday, stay the nite, then drive like 10 minutes to the site and come home. but not sure if i am going to do that. no idea if we have a key to her place, cus shell be gone...

called the mental health center here. still got nowhere. left a msg with dawn, who is supposedly my case manager. she never called back. then i got a letter in the mail saying i have a psych evaluation with the psych there. sometime in july. i guess thats good. cus i was thinking i wouldnt be able to see the psych until like next year. cus they all told me that he books up months in advance. but what pisses me off, is they sent a mailing, why couldnt they have just called me.?? or said something to me when i called earlier. ? wth, stupid town/people.

i am gonna try to call tomorrow, both places. ha, i am setting my alarm so i can get up and watch price is right, bob's last show. damn, i have no life. but knowing me, even that wont get me outta bed. wtfe...

yeah im done..


----------
SI Trigger WARNING and maybe TMI...
so i cut. not sure why, but i did. if i wouldnt have done it, it would have been racking my brains until i did it. did that make sense? i was in the bathroom and was thinking..should i cut or not? i just did it. after i wiped the blood up, there werent even gashes on my skin, looked like little paper cuts. god, im a failure at cutting myself. i dont know. but the cuts i made today are nothing compared to the others there.