need a reason..

this week i have a busy week.. as far as appointments..

tuesday...an appt with some case manager person at the local MH place

wednesday...civil service test up in cbus

thursday...dentist appt

friday...i think joanna and i are going to do something. not really an appt but yeah..

i feel so trapped. thanks goodness two people are online. even tho, its not really helping, but it is keeping my company..
i dont know.

i think my parents are getting more frustrated with me. circling jobs in the paper, printing out postings online, saying so and so is hiring as we drive by places. and my mom keeps saying, all you need *** is a job, then things will be fine.

i am getting sick of this. its sunday night. and the work week will be here any time. i will be home alone m-f while my parents are at work. most likely i will sleep the days away. there are some things i wanna do. but i dont always do them. like i have so many magazines that are piled up. and i feel guilty for having my parents buy the subcriptions when i dont read them. so i wanna read them all and then move on to the next ones. or i want or need to clean my room. its rather dusty. i wanna do some mind puzzles. its seems like when ever i think really hard or try to concentrate really hard, by head hurts or i get a headache. it fucking sucks. maybe it means i dont use my brain that often.. who knows. i was trying to do sudoku and my hidden picture puzzles. i couldnt concentrate nor think, and i just ached in my head..

i am starting to feel worthless. dont know what i never tagged that feeling for me. but yeah.. cus professionals would always ask, do you feel worthless? and id say no. i had other feelings.. like a waste, or pointess or stuff like that. but now worthless is being added to the list of emotions or feelings.

i am not going anywhere. i feel like i am in quick sand or cement, i guess. im stuck and cant move forward.

yeah im sure most non depression-plaqued people would say, get off your ass, but it doesnt work that way. im sorry. just getting a job is not gonna help.
it fucking sucks cus depression or any other illnesses i have, do NOT run in my family.. im the odd ball.

and i watched intervention earlier. i fucking hate myself for not being able to numb myself with drugs or alcohol. im too much of a chicken. it was about an alcoholic and stuff. being a mom with three children. most of the time, i act the same way the ppl on intervention act. but all i have is depression. theres not help or treatment, intensively for depression. so im fucked. i dont know.
my head is starting to hurt. and my jaw is getting tense along with other body parts. maybe i need to cry, i dont know. but that never helps. nothing ever helps.

i was listening to music but it was getting on my nerves. i think i also had it on to keep my company. but yeah, turned it off. i was getting a headache too.