Hurt

so i just IMed my my childhood best friend. of course we arent buddy buddy now, but i still occasionally IM/email her. but i asked, how are you? she said busy wedding planning and working. i knew what she meant.. (another person my age and/or past friend is getting married). but i said wedding planning? and she said, yeah, did you see my facebook? i was like, no. its so crazy that ppl communicate thru facebook and all that shit. i dont know i am jealous that everyone is moving forward, getting married, and being successful. and im mad that i had to learn about her wedding thru IM.. but we arent friends, really now. so its to be expected.. i guess.

went to a compeer thing tonite. ice cream..bring your favorite topping.. i was the youngest there. as usual. just about everyone in that group is in a clique. i dont know. i felt out of place, but i thot id better stay, it would be good for me. even tho i didnt see anything positive out of it.. just being outside and not in the house.. thats it. i think ppl see me as being shy. but really i am depressed. i hardly laughed at anything. and when michelle, the leader would speak about me in front of ppl i just wanted to run away.. shed go like, so, ** are you finished with classes? i was like well i havent taken any for a long time, she said, oh so you have the whole summer off? yep... and everyone was like thats nice, i wish i could have that.. then some woman was bragging, or probly just telling everyone about how she is in school or something. shes my cousin's age, one year younger that myself.. so she has already graduated from a four year school. god i dont know. im depressed, when i speak up.. i feel dumb, and so i never do it.. but i am for certain that ppl just think im shy and not severely depressed. its sad, that i cant tell ppl. but really theres nothing to do..

my piano is out of tune or something. it like happened in a day.. its always been out of tune, but i was playing it yesterday and i noticed it... it didnt sound that good at all. so i told my mom we need to fix it and i was like it needs to be fixed before she goes on her vacation.. so i can have at least one thing to do while i am home alone.

i am a waste. i have no point. i have no purpose. ppl cannot see i am hurting. i am untreatable. i am broken. i cannot be fixed.