Failure

12:42am

Monday, June 18, 2007

i think i know why i cant sleep at night. i dont like just lieing there doing nothing. i mean i do do nothing all day throughout the day. but at night its different. everything and everyone is pretty much dead to the world, and eachother. so i try to occupy myself until i get so tired that i cannot stand it. surfing the net, watching tv, whatever. so i think that makes sense. then last nite i was surfing online for depression personal pages. some guy had a page..very out dated, but he said that he was always listening to music. bc if he wasnt, his mind would be racing and he would be thinking and worrying. damn, i cant believe i never thot of doing that. so i think i may try that. of course i will be focusing on the music and lyrics, but i think its better than worrying about everything and thinking non stop...

so after saying yes i would go up to columbus or no i wont.. back and forth. i said no. my mom asked me this morning if i was.. i said no. then later i said yes. then no. then yes, got everything packed up and was very close to leaving. i just need a few more directions. i was putting my cds into my mom's car, for the drive. she comes out and says, that they both (mom and dad) would be fine with me not going, at all. i dont even have to go tomorrow morning and drive from here to columbus. so then i was still freaking out. i couldnt make a fucking decision. something is definately wrong. my head felt like it was going to explode, and i needed to cry so bad. so i just said fine, ill stay home. yes its a big relief. but i feel like such a complete failure...

i keep telling my mom i am not ok, i am not doing so well, etc. whether its in general or remembering/forgetting things or other things. she never once shows any concern or acts like she believes me. i know she loves me and cares about me and wants whats best, etc.etc. but she never sees it. that why i dont even think if i slit my wrists in front of her, that she would do anything. shed probly just say, oh, ***let me get you a bandaid. or something really stupid and unrelated. and she is concerned about my dad, but never me. it pisses me off