8:16pm

i feel like i havent written in awhile. not much to write about. only things to write on are my worthless, waste, depressing feelings, etc.etc.

got up around 12:15 today. set my alarm for 10:30.. just let it go off. didnt bother turning it off. i think i made some phone calls. i called the bvr person. i dont have my notebook with me. but i have kept track of all the contacts i have made with the mh clinic, bvr, jobs, etc.etc. finally got a hold of her today. i mentioned the date we last talk, may 3. she was like yes, i talk to you then and said i would call the vocational testing place. which she did. but they werent there, so she left a msg, and they never called, and then she never followed through with it. she apologized, but i just said, uh-huh. so i suggested we make an appt for us to talk about things. she doesnt have anything until july 2. and that was that. then when i got off, i thot i should have said other things. called again, twice, then left another voicemail. ill trying calling tomorrow tho. but i want to know what i should do in the meantime, and i am going to explain all the times i have tried contacting her and never got any response.. etc.etc. then i played with my dog some. sat on the couch.. then lied back down, in bed. that was around 3. then got up around 6 for supper. ..

my mom was saying how my grandpa is depressed. i guess he depressed that he is getting old and cant do stuff like he used to and depressed about whats going on in the world. i 'jokingly' said, oh yay, now me and him and hang out. .. whenever i say these things, it like matter of factly or jokingly, but deep down i want someone to 'get it' and take my problems seriously. but my dad just said, oh yeah you both can have a club. ha, whatever.. then my dad was doing some weird things. and my mom said, i worry about you to my dad. and i said something like, well do i scare you when i do weird things.. ? i cant rememebr the exact thing we were talking about. but i think whatever my dad was doing, was scaring my mom. whatever. then i said my thing. and my mom said , no ***, i pretty much just phase you out.. or something like that. i was like.. oh.......thanks... so i dont know. it does make me feel like she is in denial or she just is sick of my problems. afterall, ever since early high school we have been to numerous drs and they all told us that i was fine. but i dont know. i guess she isnt taking me seriously. i have been wearing shorts and not covering up my cuts on my leg. but really nothing has come out of that. i dont think she 'gets' how bad it is. but who knows.. i secretly wish she would email her friends about me and be worried about. i have her password to her email. and check it every once and awhile.. but theres nothing there.

my mom was talking about how she wants to do a hawaiian cruise.. i think it would just be me and my parents or maybe just my parents. but i was like,.,.. oh, i think ill pass. yeah i wanna go. but not with my parents. that sounds horrible.. stuck on a cruise ship with my parents.. then she was saying shes gonna try to book a hotel in charleston, again. she cancelled the last trip she planned to there.. i thot, well maybe id go. but really that doesnt sound like fun.. i dont know.. i feel trapped.

i am driving up to columbus tomorrow to take a civil service exam. i signed up for four positions and have to go up three times. tomorrow is a mail clerk messenger exam. no idea, but i was supposedly qualified and im going to take it. cept i have to drive up with my dad.. its like one hour.. no i hope he doesnt bring up something touchy and then i end up fighting and getting upset.

this sucks..