--Photos--

Action shot of my doggie--He is shaking

Call me weird...I don't care.. So he is a squatter!! (he's peeing)

Random moon on a terra cotta planter

Well a package come for me, filled with goodies for the dog. A doggie harness for car rides, some hydrocortosone spray, and a cooling bandana. This is him in the harness. He was so confused and terrified. he would not move. Poor guy. The bandana is too small, so I will exchange it.


The back of him.. I swear it reminds me of someone in bondage! LOL I watched Guys and Balls last nite, so I have this bondage image in my mind. ;)

View of my patio from my SkyChair


Butterfly on a Black eyed Susan

Again

Blurry

Another one

I think this is called a Blackle Sweet Potato Vine

need a reason..

this week i have a busy week.. as far as appointments..

tuesday...an appt with some case manager person at the local MH place

wednesday...civil service test up in cbus

thursday...dentist appt

friday...i think joanna and i are going to do something. not really an appt but yeah..

i feel so trapped. thanks goodness two people are online. even tho, its not really helping, but it is keeping my company..
i dont know.

i think my parents are getting more frustrated with me. circling jobs in the paper, printing out postings online, saying so and so is hiring as we drive by places. and my mom keeps saying, all you need *** is a job, then things will be fine.

i am getting sick of this. its sunday night. and the work week will be here any time. i will be home alone m-f while my parents are at work. most likely i will sleep the days away. there are some things i wanna do. but i dont always do them. like i have so many magazines that are piled up. and i feel guilty for having my parents buy the subcriptions when i dont read them. so i wanna read them all and then move on to the next ones. or i want or need to clean my room. its rather dusty. i wanna do some mind puzzles. its seems like when ever i think really hard or try to concentrate really hard, by head hurts or i get a headache. it fucking sucks. maybe it means i dont use my brain that often.. who knows. i was trying to do sudoku and my hidden picture puzzles. i couldnt concentrate nor think, and i just ached in my head..

i am starting to feel worthless. dont know what i never tagged that feeling for me. but yeah.. cus professionals would always ask, do you feel worthless? and id say no. i had other feelings.. like a waste, or pointess or stuff like that. but now worthless is being added to the list of emotions or feelings.

i am not going anywhere. i feel like i am in quick sand or cement, i guess. im stuck and cant move forward.

yeah im sure most non depression-plaqued people would say, get off your ass, but it doesnt work that way. im sorry. just getting a job is not gonna help.
it fucking sucks cus depression or any other illnesses i have, do NOT run in my family.. im the odd ball.

and i watched intervention earlier. i fucking hate myself for not being able to numb myself with drugs or alcohol. im too much of a chicken. it was about an alcoholic and stuff. being a mom with three children. most of the time, i act the same way the ppl on intervention act. but all i have is depression. theres not help or treatment, intensively for depression. so im fucked. i dont know.
my head is starting to hurt. and my jaw is getting tense along with other body parts. maybe i need to cry, i dont know. but that never helps. nothing ever helps.

i was listening to music but it was getting on my nerves. i think i also had it on to keep my company. but yeah, turned it off. i was getting a headache too.

I hate coming up with titles

1:20am
Sunday, June 24, 2007

Just finished watching Copying Beethoven. That was a good movie! I watched Little Fish earlier with my parents. But I had no clue what was going on..So Copying Beethoven was much better and easy to understand ;)

Got up around 9:45. My mom and I headed over to this Lavender Field Day thing, it was like outside of Hillsboro. That was neat..Had some Lavender ice cream. Sounds gross, but it was tasty. Tastes just the way it smells, if that makes sense. Bought I pretty necklace/pendant and a sachet of lavender.

Drove back into Hillboro. But on the way back I wanted to go down a road that had an Amish horse and buggy raod sign/cossing thing. We drove for a while, then came across these wild dogs.. Three dogs came out from a tree/woody area. I got sad, cus they looked dumped or stray. My mom said they were wild dogs. I was like, whatever. Drove some more, but my mom wanted to turn around. Then on the way back the dogs were gone. I was like...I bet those dogs were telling us to turn there..they were leading us to the Amish. Jokingly, but who knows.. We obviously never saw any Amish.

Went to kmart. I bought a interesting top, which I would have never thought it would work on me. and then some stretchy capris and tank top. I was trying stuff on, and I looked way fat and everything. But most stuff fit or was too big, and usually I wear an XL and was able to get a L. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow, who knows..

Got home and I went to my Grandparents to see their dogs. then came back and went to Blockbuster with my Dad. He grilled pork chops and so we had that for dinner. Then we watched Little Fish, of course way too complicated for me. My parents went to bed, and I just finished my movie. I am tired, and my eyes are dry and need to be shut, but I got online.. That's that!

I posted some pics before this entry. So feel free to see them. I didn't post all the pictures, but yeah,... I only took half a dozen pics of the lavender. I think there are two in the entry before and one of some cat. But there really wasnt much to take pictures of.

OK...

Photos

Saw this cat in the window at the http://www.springbrooklavender.com/ (Lavender Field Day) - unfortunately you can see my reflection.

Lavender.

My grandparent's dog, Bambi.

Lavender - was trying to get a closeup of the beetle.


Black-eyed Susans in our yard.

The center on this one was swirly - tried to capture.

A different view of the flower.

Kind of dark, but I found this frog in our backyard.

Not sure what happened to the bottom, but yeah, this is a better picture of the frog.

**Photos

My dog playing with his KONG.
Trying to get a close-up up his nose..Didn't work too well.
Taken earlier this year. Looking up into the sky.
Thought it was cool that I could capture him yawning!
Not sure what flower this is, but I can find out.

Not sure what tree this is. Taken a few months ago.
Came out blurry. But trying to capture the rain droplets on the cushion outside.
Same as above, but not blurry, and no idea why it's so small.
Capturing the storm/rain clouds from inside my car.
Trying to get a bugs eye view of the rain drops. But my garage floor is lower than the driveway.

Hurt

so i just IMed my my childhood best friend. of course we arent buddy buddy now, but i still occasionally IM/email her. but i asked, how are you? she said busy wedding planning and working. i knew what she meant.. (another person my age and/or past friend is getting married). but i said wedding planning? and she said, yeah, did you see my facebook? i was like, no. its so crazy that ppl communicate thru facebook and all that shit. i dont know i am jealous that everyone is moving forward, getting married, and being successful. and im mad that i had to learn about her wedding thru IM.. but we arent friends, really now. so its to be expected.. i guess.

went to a compeer thing tonite. ice cream..bring your favorite topping.. i was the youngest there. as usual. just about everyone in that group is in a clique. i dont know. i felt out of place, but i thot id better stay, it would be good for me. even tho i didnt see anything positive out of it.. just being outside and not in the house.. thats it. i think ppl see me as being shy. but really i am depressed. i hardly laughed at anything. and when michelle, the leader would speak about me in front of ppl i just wanted to run away.. shed go like, so, ** are you finished with classes? i was like well i havent taken any for a long time, she said, oh so you have the whole summer off? yep... and everyone was like thats nice, i wish i could have that.. then some woman was bragging, or probly just telling everyone about how she is in school or something. shes my cousin's age, one year younger that myself.. so she has already graduated from a four year school. god i dont know. im depressed, when i speak up.. i feel dumb, and so i never do it.. but i am for certain that ppl just think im shy and not severely depressed. its sad, that i cant tell ppl. but really theres nothing to do..

my piano is out of tune or something. it like happened in a day.. its always been out of tune, but i was playing it yesterday and i noticed it... it didnt sound that good at all. so i told my mom we need to fix it and i was like it needs to be fixed before she goes on her vacation.. so i can have at least one thing to do while i am home alone.

i am a waste. i have no point. i have no purpose. ppl cannot see i am hurting. i am untreatable. i am broken. i cannot be fixed.

stupid mom

6:16pm

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

i heard on the news, just a few minutes ago, that ohio or maybe it was the country ,is going to make insurance avaliable to all the parents of chroniclly ill children, regardless of income.. i said, oh, too bad im not a child (mainly cus i dont have ins.).. and my mom said well you dont have a chronic illness either.. i was like, well i am pretty sure i have chronic depression, not sure if that counts, tho... and she goes.. well i think all you need is a job and a little independance.

she really is in denial and just thinks everything i do is an excuse for not getting a job. i am not crying, yet. but i can feel my body getting tense..

i dont know..more later, tho..

nothing..

2 am

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

well im not sure if my parents are going to HI or not.

i am so tired..my eyes are watering and itchy.. not sure if i wrote about it or not. but i tried listening to music..while in bed, but i think i zoned out and just started thinking... my mind will not stop. i need a sedative or something... i didnt go to bed until aroun 4:30 yesterday. it about 2 now. i was talking to myself/pretend friend, about this situation.. but now i can remember what i was saying...dont ask about the pretend friend..thing... but yeah. it pisses me off that i cant sleep...and then i have heard its bad to be on the computer or watch tv right before bed.. something about making the brain active.. or i dont know... if you do those things its hard for you to get to sleep. well i am pretty much screwing myself over..then, arent i?

so yeah, i think i wrote about how my psyciatrist suggested americorps. i emailed.. yes emailed, i am a dumbass, my mom about it.. then she brought up a good point.. i like my space and with those programs you have to share living quarters. and so it probly wouldnt work out so great. so got disappointed again. i honestly dont know what kind of job i can do. i sill emailed all the places in OH for more information. so whatever..

walmart called me about a job opening on saturday. well actually they didnt say it was walmart, but yeah. i guess they assume everyone in this town knows the number for walmart. god..but yeah that place is so disorganized, i mean for a HUGE company like that, they should do better. but i swear i only knew the persons first name.. and well hard ot explain.. after i went thru several ppl and got to talk to this person.. it was a cashier position. i dont want that...

i went to a curbside recycling meeting for this town.. it was ok. but lasted forever, so i left early.. people are obviously close minded and dont care about the environment. most of them there, wanted an incentive for recycling.. god, cant you just do it for the environment and the surroundings? obviously not. i guess there is more to it than that.. but i dont know. ...

Left out.........again

10:14pm
Monday, June 18, 2007
so i found out that my parents are taking a cruise to HI in february 08. and im not invited. it hurts so bad. i dont understand. they say that i can come, only if i stay in the same room as them. i dont even think cruise ship rooms can have 3 ppl in them. anyways, i cant share a room wtih them, esp at nighttime, the snore so much. but my cousins and aunt and uncle just took a cruise and they had two rooms, on for the girls and one for the parents. why cant we get two rooms? what if i paid for half the cost of another room? or even half the cost or all of the cost of my ticket.? i dont know. i like travelling, but not always with family. so i dont even know if it would work out. but i am still hurt that i am not invited..

Failure

12:42am

Monday, June 18, 2007

i think i know why i cant sleep at night. i dont like just lieing there doing nothing. i mean i do do nothing all day throughout the day. but at night its different. everything and everyone is pretty much dead to the world, and eachother. so i try to occupy myself until i get so tired that i cannot stand it. surfing the net, watching tv, whatever. so i think that makes sense. then last nite i was surfing online for depression personal pages. some guy had a page..very out dated, but he said that he was always listening to music. bc if he wasnt, his mind would be racing and he would be thinking and worrying. damn, i cant believe i never thot of doing that. so i think i may try that. of course i will be focusing on the music and lyrics, but i think its better than worrying about everything and thinking non stop...

so after saying yes i would go up to columbus or no i wont.. back and forth. i said no. my mom asked me this morning if i was.. i said no. then later i said yes. then no. then yes, got everything packed up and was very close to leaving. i just need a few more directions. i was putting my cds into my mom's car, for the drive. she comes out and says, that they both (mom and dad) would be fine with me not going, at all. i dont even have to go tomorrow morning and drive from here to columbus. so then i was still freaking out. i couldnt make a fucking decision. something is definately wrong. my head felt like it was going to explode, and i needed to cry so bad. so i just said fine, ill stay home. yes its a big relief. but i feel like such a complete failure...

i keep telling my mom i am not ok, i am not doing so well, etc. whether its in general or remembering/forgetting things or other things. she never once shows any concern or acts like she believes me. i know she loves me and cares about me and wants whats best, etc.etc. but she never sees it. that why i dont even think if i slit my wrists in front of her, that she would do anything. shed probly just say, oh, ***let me get you a bandaid. or something really stupid and unrelated. and she is concerned about my dad, but never me. it pisses me off

Earlier

11:53pm

Saturday, June 16, 2007

i feel like a complete idiot.. so i read an article in our crappy newspaper, a couple of days ago. about kroger pulling a glbt related newpaper off their shelves. that pissed me off so bad. so i want to now boycott kroger. the only problem is thats like the only place to grocery shop here. so i am still going to try to do that shopping elsewhere. and then i decided to create a facebook group on this subject. i feel dumb since i did that. of course no one is going to join. i really dont care, but i just feel stupid..

monday i have a civil service test in columbus, about an hour and 15 minute drive from where i live. oh its at 8:30 in the am. i was able to arrange to drive up to my sister's place and stay the night there, by myself, sunday and then drive from her place to the testing site. i still cant make a decision. if i dont go sunday nite, i have to get up around 6am or something. personally i would rather not go and reapply for another test date. and take my chances ... if its at 8:30 again, then maybe it will be different circumstances than now i dont know. so i told my mom i am still not sure. and that i really dont wanna do it anyways. i am not even sure it is an ideal job...its called data processor 1. but yeah.. i keep telling her that i am really scared when i drive. i am so 'not there' while i am behind the wheel, in a daze, just not paying much attention..or something.. but everytime i tell her, she really doesnt respond.

then my dad and mom were talking.. and my dad couldnt remember the last time he didnt 'something'. so my mom was like, you cant remember? ***, I am worried about you. Everytime these situations come up, i always chime in.. oh well, i have that all the time or do that all the time.. not sure where i am going with this. but its completely normal for a 54 year old to forget things. but me, a 23 year old, who doesnt have a busy life.. thats not normal... but whatever.. like i said before she just shrugs it off or ignores.

went shopping today.. i got a book of poems... called solitude... oh yeah.. then a grilling book for my dad for fathers day and a hidden picture puzzle book. i was gonna get two magazines: paste and Ms. but i thot i was already spending enough money..

yeah i think thats all i got.

cant remember what else to say or whatever..

Animals

wow! i have rescued or helped dogs, rabbits, cats, birds, and now turtles! yes, you could say i am an animal lover.

okay! so some background..my grandparents have two dogs. big dogs. for the past couple of days, one of the dogs, bambi, has been spending a lot of time under their back porch. its dark and dirty under there. so i wanted to go over there yesterday (thursday) and see the dogs. my grandma said i could come over, but she said bambi (my favorite) wouldnt come out from under the porch. they suspected there was an animal under there. so she wanted me to look. so i went over and got a flashlight and looked under the porch. all i could see was this hoof-like object. and of course, that didnt make sense, so we will didnt know what it was. my grandma kept saying how sometime the neighbor's dog get a toy through the fence into their yard, or she thought maybe it was a ham bone that skip, the other dog, buried and bambi found it. i still said it looks like a hoof and it wasnt a bone. it kind of looked like a mini nerf football toy. so i couldnt figure it out and left. today i went over and my grandma said bambi stayed out all nite and wouldnt come in. so obviously she was outside under the porch the whole night, with this thing... so i looked under there once more, with a better flashlight, and still thought the same thing. my grandma asked if i could reach it with a rake or something similar. i was like, yeah probably. so i used a rake and got it out. it was definately a turltle shell!! and it was really bizarre looking. i have never seen anything like it. the shell was kind of dark brownish and had yellow/mustard colored markings on it. it was as big as my hand, maybe larger. i didnt wanna pick it up with my bare hands, so i used some rubber gloves. and my grandma and i looked at it up close. she wouldnt touch it ;). i thought it was dead. it was just a shell. it wasnt hollow. but i didnt see any openings for a head or legs/feet. obviously i dont know my turtle anatomy. soooo... my grandpa looked at it and put it out in the grass by the driveway. he thought he would leave it out overnite and maybe the turtle would still be alive. or something. i was like...okay, well don't throw it out because i wanna show it to my dad. i thot it was dead, completely.. i had taken oscar, my dog, over there. so in the meantime, by dog got out of the house. i was pissed. there is really nothing two old 80+ year olds can do. so he ran down the driveway. but was sniffing at the bushes in their yard. so it wasnt a complete fiasco. i was definately scared, but it turned out fine. when my dog was out of the house, my grandma called my mom. and of course my mom drove over here, she was freaked out as well. okay.. so me, my mom, grandma and grandpa was in the kitchen. my grandpa was looking out the kitchen window. all of a sudden he got all excited and was like, basically making all of us go outside. i dont think i have seen my grandpa move so fast... but the turtle had moved. which is funny, cus turtles are slow.. so my grandpa really didnt need to 'run'. so... my grandpa suspected in came around their house bc of the pool in the backyard. but its covered up. so i have no idea where it came from or how bambi got a hold of it. so my grandpa thought he needed to be near water or in water. so i offered to take him, the turtle, out to the park... soo.. we put him in a plastic grocery bag. he went into his shell. but when my mom and i were headed to the park, it started moving and was making holes in the bag. my mom was laughing at me and i was screeching and freaking out. then i saw one of his limbs stick out of the bag and then these CLAWS!!! i was like really freaking out. cus my mom said he might bite. and then when all this was happening, she was like... he's not gonna bite you. lol whatever. so i made mom stop the car and we put him in the truck. it either went to the bathroom or threw up in the bag, cus there was stuff in it. his head, and two front limbs were sticking out of three different holes. so yeah. put him in the truck. when we got out to the park, he was almost out of the bag. i am surprised.. i would have thot he would be scared and shut himself in his shell. but nooo... so i made sure he got into the water... i brought my camera along. but after the fiasco with it in the car, i was like, screw it! i had to get rid of the thing... no time for pictures. i wish i would have gotten one. cus i wanna know what kind it is. also before we took it out to the park. i seriously thought about keeping it. so i tried getting my mom's attention, and asked. and she was like. NO... we can't-they give off diseases. then i was like, well we could take it too the vet and clean it up.. like shots or something. but it didnt work. i rescued that turtle, and i wanted to keep it.. so thats my story..

started at 11:08pm

11:10pm**


Thursday, June 14, 2007

watching half nelson at the moment.

im at the scene where the teacher is at his parents/family's house for dinner. he sitting there just observing. he is depressed, i believe. the parents are talking to the brother and DIL. the mom then is about to say something to the teacher, her son. but then the father chimes in about something. so she never finished her thought. reminds me of me. i just sit there whenever there is company or whatever over. like i am so depressed, but no one will notice. i dont know. this scene really hits home.

more later..maybe...


edit- 11:55pm

so there was another scene...dre, the teacher's student. delivered some drugs to the teacher. yeah you have to see the movie.. but that part was powerful.. really..

but good movie. Half Nelson, look it up.

I feel like cutting who nows what i will do. whatever.. you're a chicken, you really are


edit, again-12:59am

so today....what did i do today?

got up around 12:15. had a huge headache. i always get the same type of headaches if i have been in bed too long. so yeah had that.. started my period. no idea that was coming. i say that cus usually a week or so, my moods change and this time, nothing.. maybe its bc my mood is changing because of other shit. or i cant get any moodier that now.. i dont know. then i had to go pick of some strawberries and mail some things for my mom. came home and sat on my ass and played with the dog. then around 6 my mom and i went out to eat. then i came home and went to my grandparents. then i came home and watched half nelson.

i called the state to see if i could reschedule my test on monday. its at 8:30 in the morning. it takes around 1.25 hours to get there. id have to get up around 5:30 6 o'clock. and i drive on my own. not good. but no one called me back..had to leave a msg. then i got this idea that i would drive up to my sister's place sunday, stay the nite, then drive like 10 minutes to the site and come home. but not sure if i am going to do that. no idea if we have a key to her place, cus shell be gone...

called the mental health center here. still got nowhere. left a msg with dawn, who is supposedly my case manager. she never called back. then i got a letter in the mail saying i have a psych evaluation with the psych there. sometime in july. i guess thats good. cus i was thinking i wouldnt be able to see the psych until like next year. cus they all told me that he books up months in advance. but what pisses me off, is they sent a mailing, why couldnt they have just called me.?? or said something to me when i called earlier. ? wth, stupid town/people.

i am gonna try to call tomorrow, both places. ha, i am setting my alarm so i can get up and watch price is right, bob's last show. damn, i have no life. but knowing me, even that wont get me outta bed. wtfe...

yeah im done..


----------
SI Trigger WARNING and maybe TMI...
so i cut. not sure why, but i did. if i wouldnt have done it, it would have been racking my brains until i did it. did that make sense? i was in the bathroom and was thinking..should i cut or not? i just did it. after i wiped the blood up, there werent even gashes on my skin, looked like little paper cuts. god, im a failure at cutting myself. i dont know. but the cuts i made today are nothing compared to the others there.

not good..

i have an account on daily strength.org i just posted this.. dont feel like editing it.. so yeah..

so i thot there was a thread on here where you could just vent or something.. i couldnt find it..so im sorry i am having to make a new topic..

i was feeling neutral. but then while i was on facebook i started looking at all my 'friends' and then their friends. right after looking at like two profiles, i got this sickening feeling and feeling of sadness. i need someone so bad right now. im not really sure what triggered it, but yeah.. and sometimes i tend to set myself up. i dont know.

i just need someone so bad. im thinking about all kinds of things. like relationships. i used to go on online dating sites. but now i cant. i dont know what i like, male or female. i am not even interested in that. i guess i am just interested in a friend..

no one has time for me online. i used to talk to a lot of ppl last year or before. but now i dont talk to anyone. my aim list is getting smaller and smaller. i will im someone and then they have to go, or i will im someone, and i havent talked to them in a long time (whethere i knew them in person or not), and i wont know what to say. its not gonna help to say, oh i feel depressed. i dont know.

the mental health clinic hasnt called. i need to call tomorrow. i set my alarm for 9,45.. lol doubt i will get up. ill end up letting it go off until it stops beeping..just like every other morning..

so yeah.. sorry for this..

if anyone has aol im you can im me::: Faerie Godess22

8:16pm

i feel like i havent written in awhile. not much to write about. only things to write on are my worthless, waste, depressing feelings, etc.etc.

got up around 12:15 today. set my alarm for 10:30.. just let it go off. didnt bother turning it off. i think i made some phone calls. i called the bvr person. i dont have my notebook with me. but i have kept track of all the contacts i have made with the mh clinic, bvr, jobs, etc.etc. finally got a hold of her today. i mentioned the date we last talk, may 3. she was like yes, i talk to you then and said i would call the vocational testing place. which she did. but they werent there, so she left a msg, and they never called, and then she never followed through with it. she apologized, but i just said, uh-huh. so i suggested we make an appt for us to talk about things. she doesnt have anything until july 2. and that was that. then when i got off, i thot i should have said other things. called again, twice, then left another voicemail. ill trying calling tomorrow tho. but i want to know what i should do in the meantime, and i am going to explain all the times i have tried contacting her and never got any response.. etc.etc. then i played with my dog some. sat on the couch.. then lied back down, in bed. that was around 3. then got up around 6 for supper. ..

my mom was saying how my grandpa is depressed. i guess he depressed that he is getting old and cant do stuff like he used to and depressed about whats going on in the world. i 'jokingly' said, oh yay, now me and him and hang out. .. whenever i say these things, it like matter of factly or jokingly, but deep down i want someone to 'get it' and take my problems seriously. but my dad just said, oh yeah you both can have a club. ha, whatever.. then my dad was doing some weird things. and my mom said, i worry about you to my dad. and i said something like, well do i scare you when i do weird things.. ? i cant rememebr the exact thing we were talking about. but i think whatever my dad was doing, was scaring my mom. whatever. then i said my thing. and my mom said , no ***, i pretty much just phase you out.. or something like that. i was like.. oh.......thanks... so i dont know. it does make me feel like she is in denial or she just is sick of my problems. afterall, ever since early high school we have been to numerous drs and they all told us that i was fine. but i dont know. i guess she isnt taking me seriously. i have been wearing shorts and not covering up my cuts on my leg. but really nothing has come out of that. i dont think she 'gets' how bad it is. but who knows.. i secretly wish she would email her friends about me and be worried about. i have her password to her email. and check it every once and awhile.. but theres nothing there.

my mom was talking about how she wants to do a hawaiian cruise.. i think it would just be me and my parents or maybe just my parents. but i was like,.,.. oh, i think ill pass. yeah i wanna go. but not with my parents. that sounds horrible.. stuck on a cruise ship with my parents.. then she was saying shes gonna try to book a hotel in charleston, again. she cancelled the last trip she planned to there.. i thot, well maybe id go. but really that doesnt sound like fun.. i dont know.. i feel trapped.

i am driving up to columbus tomorrow to take a civil service exam. i signed up for four positions and have to go up three times. tomorrow is a mail clerk messenger exam. no idea, but i was supposedly qualified and im going to take it. cept i have to drive up with my dad.. its like one hour.. no i hope he doesnt bring up something touchy and then i end up fighting and getting upset.

this sucks..

Except me..

im depressed.. well okay.. im always depressed. i guess i am having some jealously issues, well i always have issues with jealously.. okay, i dont know then...

everyone is going on trips or vacations except me. my family hasnt done a family vacation for a few years. those are pretty much over. but my parents went to italy last year, i stayed home, of course..wasnt invited. then they are going to VT for a wedding and leisure for a few days. probly be gone about a week. oh, and i think my parents also took a new england cruise last year.. i wasnt invited. my sister and husband are going to italy for their honeymoon. they both were over here for dinner. of course everything is about them. wedding rahs, and glitches. and the travel info for their honeymoon. my cousins, aunt and uncle, are going on a cruise, then one-the same cousin- is going to africa, again. and then the parents are going to italy. and my ex-compeer friend is going on a roadtrip to CAN with her mom and sisters. so yeah.. i dont think i have been anywhere in a long time. thing is.. i really cant going anywhere. im gonna browse the internet in a bit, just fantasize. i really dont know what a bargain is. but i dont have a lot of money. i dont have anyone to go with and i dont wanna go by myself. so im sol.. go me.

and i am getting more and more sick of leaving at home with my parents. but i dont have a job and not enough money to move out. i may call community action monday. i guess they have a sub-division for low income housing near their building. looks nicer then the really low income housing in another part of town. but i have to see what the qualifications are. it may just be for seniors or single females with children. damn, if i got pregnant i could so be eligible for a lot of shit.. mmmm....

i dont know. needed to get that out.

Photo Entry

Summer Wheat May 2007

The same Summer Wheat June 2007

Anger Issues

havent written a real entry in awhile..

cant really think about what all has happened.. but i wanted to write about a few things, bfore i erase everything else that has happened in the past...
had a psychiatrist appt monday.

forget most of it. but he mentioned doing americorps. oh he also asked if there was anyone else i could live with. i said no, or no one i would want to. i mean yeah it might not a bad idea. but i dont have really anyone. relaitves in OR and some in MA, and one in africa. but i wouldnt wanna mooch off of them.. im already mooching off of my parents. plus id be away from oscar. so i have been look on the americorps website. i fanatasized for about a day. and now im like theres no way i could do that. no way... i told him i have been irritable, agitated, angry, etc. more. and more. i get angry with people, and explode at/to my parents. i didnt tell him that i sometimes go off at the public.. directly towards people. i guess i had forgotten. but i do. something happened today, as well.

oh and he called the mh center in town. i figured that would get things going. he talked to the clinical director. said the guy or someone will be calling me soon. ha yeah right. it sounded like something happened.. like i did get lost. who knows. i dont really expect much from them....

so anyways.

i ran out to krogers earlier. didnt feel like it, at all. cus i had gotten home running other errands. but i rushed out there. i needed to return a video by a certain time. so anyways, i was driving in the parking lot. slowly.. saw a space on my right. but then this nice looking car comes around the corner and has their turn signal on and wanted the same space. i guess i was afraid of what would happen if i took the spot. technically it was mine, bc i was closer, it was in my lane or whatever. so whatever. i yelled at them and made nasty faces. my windows were up so they couldnt hear me. then i got out and glared at them, ...i could still see them from where i parked. then the skinny blonde came in and we past eachother. she kind of made a non verbal noise. and i made one too, and said yeah youre reall funny. i dont know. i was so pissed off, and thats all i could say. then i felt dumb, bc she was skinny, attractive, and she probly was laughing at me cus i was ugly, fat, and of course i didnt have a bra on.. lol. but i kept having all these scenarios running thru my head about them. they had a dog in the car. so i was just imaginging all this stuff. cant describe it. but im thinking about it right now.. so yeah. i kind of felt dumb bc i looked terrible and she looked stunning, and yes, i was a tad bit worried about someone coming after me or something. but not reall. so yeah... i get so pissed off at ppl and sometimes let them know and be stupid about it with them, grrrr. i dont know.. im tense now.. someday it will get me into trouble, but until then, this is how its gonna be.

went to library. got a few dvds and cds. the library shitty. but oh well.

finally got my netflix..took them long enough.

my moms not home yet.. supposed to be tome by 4.

my dad isnt home tonite, so my mom and i have to go out.. just me and her tonite..

oh shit, i guess shes home

damn.. whatever

Photo Entry

The following images were scanned, so the quality kind of sucks...

I think there is a "ghostly" orb in the photo ^above^

More posted at: http://www.photoblog.com/user/echospeaks/