Wedding

So i am going to try to remember the last couple of days.. i can barely remember like two hours ago, but yeah..

Friday around 2:30. not sure how to describe it.. but.. my sister was driving and the car we were in beeps if the up-front ppl are not buckled. she was, but i wasnt. but i do buckle, always, just not like right away. also before this, i noticted when this would happen she would boss every1 around and yell at us/them to buckle up. so anyways, we are like two block from the house, leaving, and she was yelling at me to buckle, i said i am, i always do.. and i guess she thot i was taking it personal and then she was raising her voice and saying, jill youre not allowed do this. so i started crying and then got even more pissed. and then later when she talked to mark, her fiance, she said, oh yeah, jills already yelled at me. god make me look like the bad guy, whatever, youre one who is all stressed out and on edge. so yeah the drive was a little tense. oh, and i offered to drive. and then she goes, what..are you just saying that cus my acceleration is off .. or whatever... i was like, (about to cry)-again, no, i just thot i could help you out.. then she goes, no i like driving and it keeps my mind off of things. so yeah, i obviously was seriously thinking about jumping out of the car and going home. but then she would have gotten even more pissed.
so we picked up my sister's friend, and then went to cincy. dropped our stuff off at her other friend's house. me and her two friends, so far, were in the bridal party. it was freaking hot in this girl's house, but i managed. then we drove to the wedding site for a rehearsal. then drove to dave and busters for the rehearsal dinner. the food was ok, but the cake was even better. mingled there, and then played games afterwards. then the four of us went back to L's house, and got ready for bed. we watched BIG LOVE on HBO. id probly watch it again, but i we dont get HBO..the nite was pretty hot and i couldnt get to sleep. i wanted to try to go online, but they had an apple computer, and i cannot figure those out.

Saturday morning. got up ate breakfast and other food. then the four of us went to the hair place. met another bridesmaid there. and then left back to L's house for makeup. and drove to the wedding site. had a bunch of pictures taken, chilled out for awhile. and then 5 was when the ceremony began. when ever i see ppl cry, i start to cry. but i didnt actually shed any tears, so i guess thats good. it was over in less than 20 minutes and then more pictures. then 6:30 the reception offically began.
everyone, family, family friends said i did a nice job and was very pretty, etc. i was like , oh thanks.. of course not believing it. i was the only single bridesmaid. watching ppl dance, i was jealous. not just because of couples dancing, but i am way to self conscious to get out on the dance floor. i went like two times, but thats it. i kind of wanted to, but didnt feel comfrtable, and plus i dont even know how to dance. they all say to just move around, but i feel stupid... blah.. then when i was saying goodbye, i never knew what to say. i just want to bye, and then walk off. but thats not how it was. i would pretty much repeat things the other person said.. im such a dumbass, no social skills what so ever.
i am kind of hoping some of my parent's friends will say stuff to my parents, like she acted kind of weird, or sad, etc.. god that will never happen. and like ppl would ask if i was having a good time. i didnt wanna lie but i also wanted to say the truth.. did that make sense? i was so zoned out the whole time.. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. then i cant BS, so i felt really uncomfortable. its so hard to be to BS about having fun, or BS about being happy. hell, its hard to do the real thing.. damn.. i dont feel anything. i am glad it over with. i dont have to be all 'social' or pretend or try to be. but yeah i dont feel anything. *sigh* i have no idea..
i dont even act interested when ppl are talking to me or with/at me. so i watched my cousin talking to a few ppl and she seemed so interested in the other persons words. whether she really did or not, i dont know. but it seemed real. i cant even pretend.. like i wouldnt know what to do, or i wouldnt be able to think of something to say, or i would just repeat what they just said. and then sometimes, i 'zone out' while they're talking. thats really rude, but it just happens.... i should probly go to bed...

**so yeah, hopefully this made some sense--sorry about the names and whatever and everything else**