Stand still..

okay so i guess ill write a real entry..

had another revelation or whatever... i am at a standstill or whatever. regarding just about everything. i guess i am doing okay for not being in therapy. but i dont like how i am doing. im not really improving on anything. i guess im not doing worse. but it just depends on the circumstances or whatever. like in high school and early college, i remember i felt horrible and would scribe on things, leaving suicidal marks everywhere--like defacing school stuff etc. i dont do that.. but back then, even tho i was horrible i was 'involved' in stuff. i dont know where im going. lost my train of thought.. which is another thing.. i know, deep down, that something is wrong with my nuerologically. i will always think that until i am diagnosed with something or have had all the possiblt tests to see if anything is wrong. but since i have no insurance, i cant be tested for any of those things. so im SOL and have like an elderly person's mind in a 23 year old body.. joy...

so the last time i saw a therapist was march 30. i then had a mental health assessment at the local clinic on april 6 and 24. and then the person i had that assessment with called me april 25 saying someone should or would be calling me to set up an appt time to see a therapist and eventually psychiatrist. so i had been meaning to call the mental health place to see whatsup. told them my name and who i had talked to last etc. they said that the therapist that was just hired, has not been giving the green light to start scheduling .. so then i told them that i am supposed to see (specific name given). and was that the new person. i knew it wasnt the new person, but i was kind of being agressive or assertive, etc. and they were like, oh no shes been here forever. then i guess i was transferred to this person. talked to her for like 5 minutes or less and then she said she'd look into it and call me back.. i will give her a week and then call back, again.

i also need to call the bvr lady. havent talked to her since 5-14. may do that tomorrow.

i have to go to the dress rehearsal and rehearsal dinner friday. then spend the nite at one of the bridemaid's houses and then get up sat morning and get my hair done, and then do the wedding and reception. i really dont know... i feel bad that im not toasting or speaking or saying anything. im the MOH and sister of the bride.. but i just dont feel comfortable doing it. i get so freaking nervous. my mom said maybe i should, if i wanted to. she gave me this thing to read.. like today. and the thing is fri. im not the kind of person who can prepare something at the last minute, even if i am just reading off a piece of paper. i need like a few weeks or a month.. so i dont know if i will do it.

my dress fits. i was afraid it wouldnt..even after the tailoring...i still have some packing to do. my mom wants like the computer room, foyer, stair way, my room , and my bathroom all picked up by like tomorrow at noon. not sure why. just one person is staying at the house, my uncle, like thurs or fri, staying for the wkend i guess. but then the fiances parents are coming over sunday. but not sure why i have to clean everything by tomorrow, but whatever...

i applied for another study.. no idea what it's for.. forgot to ask. and forgot to ask what the compensation is. its somewhat closer that the other one i went to earlier this month. i know its for mdd people. so i go there for the screen and interview or whatever tues.

went to a stupid job fair or something at a temp agency. no clerical jobs, but i kind of liked that place better than the others. but i dont know.. not sure why i say that, cus i am pretty sure no one will be calling. there are no clerical jobs anywhere!

so i dont know. what else to write about. my eyes are hurting and i guess im kind of tired.. i dont know. whatever..