Self-Destructive

so i dont know what to write.

i took some pictures of my bday gifts and my dad took some of me opening them up. but i look nasty, so i wont put them on here. i havent even uploaded the pics yet..
but i got too much stuff. i feel guilty for all the money ppl spent on me. i never feel this extreme guilt. my mom got me TWO vera bradley bags, those things are so expensive. she said she was just trying to buy my affection. i was like, gee, great... sorry. i just said that she should have to do that, or buy material things to buy my affection from me or whatever. i guess she also feels bad that she is spending so much money on my sisters wedding and nothing on me. god i dont care. that never even crossed my mind. i just this wedding shit to be over with and then maybe i can come up with some things to tell my parents. or i can just be so destructive and kill myself. who knows.

oh yeah, i went to the lion king last nite. it was very good. the seats were perfect too. unfortunately, i wasnt totally focused on the show. my mind was wandering. and then i felt guilty cus the seats/tickets were expensive and i couldnt concentrate. but whenever i see musicals or shows like that, i also think of other things, besides the show. like not just things going on in my life, but like man these ppl have everthing, great talent, etc. or the set and music is so cool in the show, i wish i could be involved in something like that. or it would be so cool do be a part of the show, music, set, acting, singing, etc, anything. stupid stuff like that.. blah..

so yeah, we got home around 11:45 last nite. i was tired, but yet again i stayed up on the internet. and i, once again got another migraine. im not sure if its bc im staring at the screen all nite or bc im tired, or just the mix of both. then i started feeling nauscious and then went to bed around 3. then i felt like i was gonna poop my pants. and was on the toilet for a while. freaking out that i felt like i was going to barf and having diarrhea. didnt go to bed till 5. not sure why i said all this.

still not doing very well, mentall, emotionally, physically. theres tension between me and each parent. i can hear my mom always sighing after i said something or left the room. im depressed, im shaking, im dazed, im tired, i dont know whats wrong.. but neither does anyone else. i want to find a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty.. i know thats stupid. but i wanna be self destructive, just mess with my body and literally feel nothing, feel a high, feel good in my body.. i dont know. so my question is does anyone know of a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty? ha, i hate smoking and smokers, but i have to do something. same with alcohol, i have had it before, but hate the taste of it, beer, wine, or other liquers. if it has an alcohol taste, i will not drink it, cus it tasted nasty.. anyone have any suggestions on this one. yeah i know ppl tastebuds are different, so i dont know..