More later, hopefully.

its over...

leaving soon, everyone's going out for pizza. that should be 'fun' to write about. so ill finish later.

went outside , sat and lied in the grass. thought about stuff. cried a little. listened to music. threw corn at this tree. mom came out and said, dont be throwing stuff at the squirrels. she doesnt get it.. 'scratched' myself with a corn bit. didnt do anything, but yeah, i feel bad.

the parents came over to open presents with my sister and BIL, and my parents. whatever. wrote everything down, as i was supposed to. after they left, my dad and i were trying to pack everything up. and then my sister yelled at my dad bc he did something 'wrong'. thats when i felt extremely guilty and wanted to cry.he was just trying to help. after his parents left, i got irritable. i kept being so bitchy to my mom. and i was just like, im not good, im just warning you. cus i could explode any minute. she kepts on saying, oh its ok. no your not, she is in complete denial. whatever.

im trying so h ard to keep everything in, .. i was thinking i have to at least give them a few weeks until every1's settled down. here i was thinking, the day after the wedding, i could release it. i was wrong. i should be considerate and wait a bit.. whatever.

signed up for another study. go in tues. have to not fast for like 12 hours. im worried about driving over there on an empty stomach. i MIGHT buy some no-dos or caffiene pills, whatever. i have pain pills with caffiene already.. but of course knowing my luck nothing will help. but then im like fuck it, i dont care if i get in a car wreck on the way over there. sounds good to me.

i gtg, ill write more later... if i remember...


7:53pm


i still have faves to read, but i thot i had better write, before i loose track of stuff..im selfish, sorry

sorry for all the typose i feel kind f funny and just weird, so yeah.. and i dont feel like correcting them. kind of weak/tired, whatever...

im really irritable tense in pain about ready to cry depression lonely wanting to cut etcetcetc
so pizza.. was dumb. i was pretty much in my own world. i didnt wanna listen to evey1 so i phased them out. plus not all of us could sit in the same area. and the ppl i sat with were all talking about stuff which had nothing to do with me, so i was able to keep to myself.

my parents are drving me crazy. everting is driving me crazy. even my g-parents.. which i feel guilty..

i feel like im gonna explode. i just want to be myself and wanna be alone. evberuone is up in my face. my parents or mom or whatever is in denial. they obviously have no clue. what do i have to do, slit my wrists in front of them, email them my journals, leave bloddy stuff around, what?! i think i have tried a few things, and they STIll don get it. my head hurts cus i need to cry.

i have no therapist, no one. i thot about sending my old therapist a letter. and asking her how much she would charge since i have no ins or no job. somehow i got away with paying only 30 bucks each time, but i feel guilty just paying that little. and i still dont know why i stopped. she thot it would be easier for me to go to the center in town, for free of charge. but then maybe she just didnt know what else to do with me. why do i even need to think about seeing someone. its not even gonna help, im broken, untreatrable, unfixable, everything...

i dont know, im gonna try to take my mind off of stuff...