Loser

i still have been feeling really shitty. physically and mentally. i am such a waste. i really dont want to write now. but maybe i will. i dont know. nothing else to do..

so physically.. i have headaches all the time. and stupid things trigger it. like getting up out of a chair, or walking, or coughing, breatheing, shit like that. most of the time, they are probly migraines. i feel like car sick, i dont throw up, but i just feel horrible. my back hurts a lot. i am always bloated and gassy. and then when i have to poop, i usually have a headache. so its hard to poop, bc when i strain to push it out, my head hurts so bad. tmi, i dont care. i shake a lot. i am always in a daze. i hate driving, but it seems like theres not choice. i feel like i cant concentrate and my mind just wanders. i forget a lot of things. random weird things. i cannot focus. my ability to stay alert has decreased a lot as well. i am always tired and fatigued. weak.

mentally.. i am depressed. lonely. agitated. get annoyed very easily. i have short fuses and yell a lot. and i have extreme feelings of guilt. i am irritable. tense, not sure if that is physical or not. and then all of the above symptoms make me feel discouraged cus no one (drs) can find anything wrong with me. and its not like i can go to every specialist, again, bc i dont have insurance.

i am a waste. i cant even get a freaking job, get up at a decent time. i dont know. my mom said that i should get up one day this week and go around town and fill out applications. sure, ill try it. i guess, maybe. sounds just like another disappointment for me. and another day full of rejections and more depression.

the mental health clinic hasnt called. i will give them one more week and then call them. i looked up the therapist, who will be seeing me, on zabasearch.. shes almost the same age on dr milam in YS. damn. I think i know who it is.. like i have seen an older gray haired lady walking through the center. so whatever.. its stupid. im pretty much on my own, cus im not sick enough for anything and whatever. i truely feel that i am unfixable, broken, defected. i am able to be fixed, nothing is going to help me.

i kind of think being on my birth control pills is giving me headaches. i think in the past the pill has done this to me. the reason why i started it, the symptoms have not left. and i guess i can live with them. it sucks no one can explain to me why its happening, but id rather have the other symptoms than headaches. so i think i will eventually stop that. i stopped the amitriptyline already.. dont know when, didnt write it down, so i dont remember. but it was for the headaches and it wasnt helping. so maybe when i stop the BC, i will start the Ami. up again.

i am lonely. i have no one to talk to. and then if someone is online, i dont know what to say. i dont wanna bother them. and usually it doesnt help anyways, so why bother.

i have a headache.. as usual.. so im quitting this.

visit to mariemont:

so i drove down to cincy fri afternoon. got lost, but made it. i visted Katie down there. we walked her dog. so i got to see her neighborhood. very nice. when she comes here, i will feel kind of embarassed. but oh well. i played with her dog in her backyard. she showed me her house. we walked around her neighborhood, again, i think.. yeah. she wanted to show me the concourse. i never looked up the history of it. surely, it had to be something.. but yeah, then we walked to her grandma's house. i like old ppl. i felt really comfortable talking to her grandma. and wasnt nervous at all. then we walked to the square. then we went to a little shop. then i think we walked back to her house, played the with dog more. and i left. i took some pics there as well. a ton of her dog. but oh well. thats just how i am. so that went pretty well. was nervous about driving, but oh well.

bridal shower in cbus:

so i drove, some more.. saturday am. up to cbus. with my mom. its either my mom driving and be being all annoyed with her driving and whatever, or me driving and being all tense.. so really who knows.. but yeah. my sister, had a langerie (i know thats spelled wrong) shower held for her at her sister in laws (soon to be)house. that wasnt too bad, and i had already met the ppl at the shower. it was actually kind of fun. the food was good. and the company or whatever was nice. laughed a lot. then i 'hosted' a semi bachelorette party. just went to the gallery hop and out to dinner. that was fun as well. so all in all, it was good. then i drove home.. somehow made it home a live..