Cannot believe it

i just got an email from my sister. she was reminding all the bridemaids about the rehearsal that is fri the 25. yeah so my sister is getting married may 26. i had no idea it was so close to the date. i so dont wanna be in the wedding or be at the reception or anything. they both dont really want a wedding. but whatever. my dress isnt going to fit either, probly. we got it tailored but i think i have gained weight since then. i keep eating. nothing will motivate me to stop eating or eat healthy or exercise. for a brief moment i thot i wouldnt have to stay for the reception. i forget what day it was, sat or sun of last week. my mom's parents, my grandparents arent sure if they can come. but we were, my parents and i were talking, about how if they did go, they would need someone to drive them home. so i offered. and my mom was like. huh.. i didnt even consider that idea. and for a while i was trying to convince them it would work. but my dad didnt like it one bit, and thot since i was the sister and MOH i needed to stay for everything. but then why would my parents want to have someone who actually wanted to stay for the reception to take the old folks home? it would be perfect. i dont mind taking them home. i dont even wanna stay. i dont drink or dance, can barely make conversation. but i dont think that will happen. i think my sister has other plans for me. and she doesnt even know that my grandparents might not be there. god i dont wanna do this. i keep thinking, maybe, once this is all over, it will be my time, maybe i can convince my parents i need more help with stuff. but actually i can just hear my mom saying, ** all you need is a job, then things will get easier. yeah right what ever.

i dont have anyone. i am so fucking alone. nothing is going forward or getting better. every1 just comes into my life and leaves or doenst even come into my life. i dont know what i want. i dont find it pleasurable or even helpful anymore to talk to ppl online. im not sure what i want out of it, but i dont get anything.

the stupid mental health clinic in town hasnt called. i last talked to someone, which that person is no longer with them-i wish i would have asked why she was leaving, april 25. havent heard from anyone since then. i know i should call, but i am afraid they wont have an answer and i will get even more upset. thinking there isnt any hope, there isnt anyone out there, nothing, no one.

called the bvr counselor person monday. no repsonse. i will try to try calling wednesday or thursday. i need a job, i need something. the only reason why i think i need a job is to please my parents. but listening well actually reading ppl's ..whatever.. cant think of the word... times at work, it just scares me and overwhlems me. stuff that i would have just cried about or walked out, but they would stick it out.

im a waste. i dont do anything. im not good for anything. im pointless. i have nothing to offer and am unfixable. who would want to hire me for work? who would want to date me? who would want to be my friend? no one, i deserve it. im stupid..

this is stupid...