Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
self-de·struc·tive /ˈsɛlfdɪˈstrʌktɪv, ˌsɛlf-/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[self-di-struhk-tiv, self-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1.
harmful, injurious, or destructive to oneself: His constant arguing with the boss shows he's a self-destructive person.
2.
reflecting or exhibiting suicidal desires or drives: Careless driving may be a self-destructive tendency.
See a REAL entry before this one..
Thursday, May 31, 2007
What does restless mean?
god i feel like shit. mentally and physically.
for the past two or three nights i have been going to bed around 3am. this morning, it was the first time i have slept in until my mom got home, around noon. should never have done that. i am 'thinking' i am probly feeling all headachey and migrainey bc i slept too long. its really only 9hours, but compared to last couple of days i have slept much less... id ont know.
so i was slow getting out of the house. i left around 2:!5. went to get my passsport picture. which theyr camera was fucked up. had to have it taken like four times and then ended up having them use a dig cam. then went to the grocery store. i am not doing my grocery shopping anymore... and i hope after this vist, i wont have to. for one thing, this list was huge. and i was so dazed and confgused and disorientated. etc. so it took my forever. plsu a major headahce. i was thirty and just kind of wandering around. BTW SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE OR TALK OR SOMETHING.. SO YEAH, JUST DEAL WITH IT---IM SHAKING AND FEEL FUNN then i kept running into to ppl i knew. i dont think anyone my age... oh while i was looking at berad, like the first think on the list... some little girl came up to me. and we kind of chatted or something. she was really friendy and swweeyt. i kept looking around for her parents. then i think they came up. i figured they tell her not to talk to me or just kind of small talk to me, bc afterall their kid, supposedly, was talking to me. i dont know. they like completely ignored me. it was kind of sad. and i felt guilty and was worrying, i dont know. i felt bad. so the i ran into this lady who goes to church with my grandparents. small talked there. then i was worried that shed see how i was stumbling and totally comfused.. i dont know.. but yeah, who cares. then one of the upper managment ppl , i know them, kind of. i think i ran into him a few tmes. he usually smiles and says hi when we see each other. but this time he just kind gave me a little smile. i dont care. but i pretty much ran away from him and gave a half smile to him. i cant ecplain how we know eachother and why im even telling this part. then i kept running into that other lady.. but ignored her. then some old curch sponser ran into me and said hi. and then i was trying to aoid htta guy again. so i pretty much made a detour in my list.. lol.. im such an idtio.. can we sayu socail anxiety? haha.. then i thot he had left the area, but didnt, so i pretty much ran the other way.. then wehn i went to check out. i was like freaking out cus it was a lot of mony. i got home and asked my mom how much is too much... she said over 150.. i was like ha.. well it was 180ish. hopefulyl aftet that she will go on her on... i had a terrible time. i foregot some things and got ocnfused couldnt make simple decisions in picking out food.
whatever... ont he way home to my hous, i sw a deer in the back yard of some house.. it looked so lost, i felt bad.. i saw it in an residential neighbohodd. so obioously that was strange cus there are never deer there. :(
my drs appt was stupid. i should ahve cancelled. but i think i will next time. charged me 29 dolalrs for less than 5 minutes. it was just a a folowup and and nothing cam out of it. whatever..
i didnt do a good job crying for help. lol
got some job things from kroger.. i may apply. ut the insurance desnt take in affect until 6 or 18 months after ebing hired. damn.. i cant even imagine having a job for 6 months.. blah.. sow hatever...i wont get hired anyway, i have already applied.
so after my store visist. i dont think i am going to go out much. i amgoing to try to avoid it if at all possible. i have bever ran into so many ppl in public like that before. it was bad
oh and then my picture is ont he front pag of the paper. grea.t. i am pissed. my picture and name. and i am sure its on their stupid website too. i would be ok with a small picture on like th last page or something.. but it was a gigantic pic, ont he front page.. blah...
stupid... yeah i have no idea if anyone will read.. so maybe typose and eveyrhting. oh well. if you got to this part. thanks!!!
and i ahve been realyl restless, irrtiable, etc etc lately.. ha, who cares tho, right?
for the past two or three nights i have been going to bed around 3am. this morning, it was the first time i have slept in until my mom got home, around noon. should never have done that. i am 'thinking' i am probly feeling all headachey and migrainey bc i slept too long. its really only 9hours, but compared to last couple of days i have slept much less... id ont know.
so i was slow getting out of the house. i left around 2:!5. went to get my passsport picture. which theyr camera was fucked up. had to have it taken like four times and then ended up having them use a dig cam. then went to the grocery store. i am not doing my grocery shopping anymore... and i hope after this vist, i wont have to. for one thing, this list was huge. and i was so dazed and confgused and disorientated. etc. so it took my forever. plsu a major headahce. i was thirty and just kind of wandering around. BTW SORRY FOR ALL THE TYPOS. I REALLY NEED TO WRITE OR TALK OR SOMETHING.. SO YEAH, JUST DEAL WITH IT---IM SHAKING AND FEEL FUNN then i kept running into to ppl i knew. i dont think anyone my age... oh while i was looking at berad, like the first think on the list... some little girl came up to me. and we kind of chatted or something. she was really friendy and swweeyt. i kept looking around for her parents. then i think they came up. i figured they tell her not to talk to me or just kind of small talk to me, bc afterall their kid, supposedly, was talking to me. i dont know. they like completely ignored me. it was kind of sad. and i felt guilty and was worrying, i dont know. i felt bad. so the i ran into this lady who goes to church with my grandparents. small talked there. then i was worried that shed see how i was stumbling and totally comfused.. i dont know.. but yeah, who cares. then one of the upper managment ppl , i know them, kind of. i think i ran into him a few tmes. he usually smiles and says hi when we see each other. but this time he just kind gave me a little smile. i dont care. but i pretty much ran away from him and gave a half smile to him. i cant ecplain how we know eachother and why im even telling this part. then i kept running into that other lady.. but ignored her. then some old curch sponser ran into me and said hi. and then i was trying to aoid htta guy again. so i pretty much made a detour in my list.. lol.. im such an idtio.. can we sayu socail anxiety? haha.. then i thot he had left the area, but didnt, so i pretty much ran the other way.. then wehn i went to check out. i was like freaking out cus it was a lot of mony. i got home and asked my mom how much is too much... she said over 150.. i was like ha.. well it was 180ish. hopefulyl aftet that she will go on her on... i had a terrible time. i foregot some things and got ocnfused couldnt make simple decisions in picking out food.
whatever... ont he way home to my hous, i sw a deer in the back yard of some house.. it looked so lost, i felt bad.. i saw it in an residential neighbohodd. so obioously that was strange cus there are never deer there. :(
my drs appt was stupid. i should ahve cancelled. but i think i will next time. charged me 29 dolalrs for less than 5 minutes. it was just a a folowup and and nothing cam out of it. whatever..
i didnt do a good job crying for help. lol
got some job things from kroger.. i may apply. ut the insurance desnt take in affect until 6 or 18 months after ebing hired. damn.. i cant even imagine having a job for 6 months.. blah.. sow hatever...i wont get hired anyway, i have already applied.
so after my store visist. i dont think i am going to go out much. i amgoing to try to avoid it if at all possible. i have bever ran into so many ppl in public like that before. it was bad
oh and then my picture is ont he front pag of the paper. grea.t. i am pissed. my picture and name. and i am sure its on their stupid website too. i would be ok with a small picture on like th last page or something.. but it was a gigantic pic, ont he front page.. blah...
stupid... yeah i have no idea if anyone will read.. so maybe typose and eveyrhting. oh well. if you got to this part. thanks!!!
and i ahve been realyl restless, irrtiable, etc etc lately.. ha, who cares tho, right?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Help
help.. i need help..
i dont feel good. my head hurts, im shaky, im dizzy, im irritable, im agitated, im depressed, im feeling low. i felt like doing something impulsive, but trapped and couldnt do it, or something.
got up around 10 or something, i forget..
took my stay awake pill sometime between 10 and 11. got gas, left town around 11:25. got lost on the way, but got help from my dad. i wasnt worried or freaked out. had plenty of time..
arrived around 12:35. had to pee really bad, then went to the office after that. filled out papers. i was really shaky. not sure if it was bc i didnt eat or from the pill. talked to a few drs or whoever there. signed the consent forms. peed in a cup, small physical, ekg, blood work. i swear the person who took the blood, has never done it b4. it was wierd. and blood went everywhere. i think the guy was gay. he was the secratary or whatever and drew my blood. hah. and he said sorry it was so messy, usually a lab tech is here. uhm ok.. it was gross, he didnt even wipe the blood up that spilled and i saw he had my bloood on his ungloved hand. whatever..
made another appt for next week, or something.
got lost on the way back.
decided that i am going to call and drop out. i dont wanna drive to dayton.
on my way home, i was speeding. had weird impulisive feelings. was speeding is all i could think of, .. felt sick when i got closer to home.
i only had like 15 minutes to myself.
my mom came home around 4. i immediately felt even more agitated and irritable. her voice annoys me. everyhting does.
didnt know where to go. i was trapped, once again, came up here. i wanted to record a video. but i stll dont know the mic thing. whatever..
writing this.
no one online.
dont know what to do.
i ahve to go out to eat with my mom. sigh. i dont know. i dont want to..
i want to be alone i dont feel safe.
i dont feel good. my head hurts, im shaky, im dizzy, im irritable, im agitated, im depressed, im feeling low. i felt like doing something impulsive, but trapped and couldnt do it, or something.
got up around 10 or something, i forget..
took my stay awake pill sometime between 10 and 11. got gas, left town around 11:25. got lost on the way, but got help from my dad. i wasnt worried or freaked out. had plenty of time..
arrived around 12:35. had to pee really bad, then went to the office after that. filled out papers. i was really shaky. not sure if it was bc i didnt eat or from the pill. talked to a few drs or whoever there. signed the consent forms. peed in a cup, small physical, ekg, blood work. i swear the person who took the blood, has never done it b4. it was wierd. and blood went everywhere. i think the guy was gay. he was the secratary or whatever and drew my blood. hah. and he said sorry it was so messy, usually a lab tech is here. uhm ok.. it was gross, he didnt even wipe the blood up that spilled and i saw he had my bloood on his ungloved hand. whatever..
made another appt for next week, or something.
got lost on the way back.
decided that i am going to call and drop out. i dont wanna drive to dayton.
on my way home, i was speeding. had weird impulisive feelings. was speeding is all i could think of, .. felt sick when i got closer to home.
i only had like 15 minutes to myself.
my mom came home around 4. i immediately felt even more agitated and irritable. her voice annoys me. everyhting does.
didnt know where to go. i was trapped, once again, came up here. i wanted to record a video. but i stll dont know the mic thing. whatever..
writing this.
no one online.
dont know what to do.
i ahve to go out to eat with my mom. sigh. i dont know. i dont want to..
i want to be alone i dont feel safe.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
More later, hopefully.
its over...
leaving soon, everyone's going out for pizza. that should be 'fun' to write about. so ill finish later.
went outside , sat and lied in the grass. thought about stuff. cried a little. listened to music. threw corn at this tree. mom came out and said, dont be throwing stuff at the squirrels. she doesnt get it.. 'scratched' myself with a corn bit. didnt do anything, but yeah, i feel bad.
the parents came over to open presents with my sister and BIL, and my parents. whatever. wrote everything down, as i was supposed to. after they left, my dad and i were trying to pack everything up. and then my sister yelled at my dad bc he did something 'wrong'. thats when i felt extremely guilty and wanted to cry.he was just trying to help. after his parents left, i got irritable. i kept being so bitchy to my mom. and i was just like, im not good, im just warning you. cus i could explode any minute. she kepts on saying, oh its ok. no your not, she is in complete denial. whatever.
im trying so h ard to keep everything in, .. i was thinking i have to at least give them a few weeks until every1's settled down. here i was thinking, the day after the wedding, i could release it. i was wrong. i should be considerate and wait a bit.. whatever.
signed up for another study. go in tues. have to not fast for like 12 hours. im worried about driving over there on an empty stomach. i MIGHT buy some no-dos or caffiene pills, whatever. i have pain pills with caffiene already.. but of course knowing my luck nothing will help. but then im like fuck it, i dont care if i get in a car wreck on the way over there. sounds good to me.
i gtg, ill write more later... if i remember...
7:53pm
i still have faves to read, but i thot i had better write, before i loose track of stuff..im selfish, sorry
sorry for all the typose i feel kind f funny and just weird, so yeah.. and i dont feel like correcting them. kind of weak/tired, whatever...
im really irritable tense in pain about ready to cry depression lonely wanting to cut etcetcetc
so pizza.. was dumb. i was pretty much in my own world. i didnt wanna listen to evey1 so i phased them out. plus not all of us could sit in the same area. and the ppl i sat with were all talking about stuff which had nothing to do with me, so i was able to keep to myself.
my parents are drving me crazy. everting is driving me crazy. even my g-parents.. which i feel guilty..
i feel like im gonna explode. i just want to be myself and wanna be alone. evberuone is up in my face. my parents or mom or whatever is in denial. they obviously have no clue. what do i have to do, slit my wrists in front of them, email them my journals, leave bloddy stuff around, what?! i think i have tried a few things, and they STIll don get it. my head hurts cus i need to cry.
i have no therapist, no one. i thot about sending my old therapist a letter. and asking her how much she would charge since i have no ins or no job. somehow i got away with paying only 30 bucks each time, but i feel guilty just paying that little. and i still dont know why i stopped. she thot it would be easier for me to go to the center in town, for free of charge. but then maybe she just didnt know what else to do with me. why do i even need to think about seeing someone. its not even gonna help, im broken, untreatrable, unfixable, everything...
i dont know, im gonna try to take my mind off of stuff...
leaving soon, everyone's going out for pizza. that should be 'fun' to write about. so ill finish later.
went outside , sat and lied in the grass. thought about stuff. cried a little. listened to music. threw corn at this tree. mom came out and said, dont be throwing stuff at the squirrels. she doesnt get it.. 'scratched' myself with a corn bit. didnt do anything, but yeah, i feel bad.
the parents came over to open presents with my sister and BIL, and my parents. whatever. wrote everything down, as i was supposed to. after they left, my dad and i were trying to pack everything up. and then my sister yelled at my dad bc he did something 'wrong'. thats when i felt extremely guilty and wanted to cry.he was just trying to help. after his parents left, i got irritable. i kept being so bitchy to my mom. and i was just like, im not good, im just warning you. cus i could explode any minute. she kepts on saying, oh its ok. no your not, she is in complete denial. whatever.
im trying so h ard to keep everything in, .. i was thinking i have to at least give them a few weeks until every1's settled down. here i was thinking, the day after the wedding, i could release it. i was wrong. i should be considerate and wait a bit.. whatever.
signed up for another study. go in tues. have to not fast for like 12 hours. im worried about driving over there on an empty stomach. i MIGHT buy some no-dos or caffiene pills, whatever. i have pain pills with caffiene already.. but of course knowing my luck nothing will help. but then im like fuck it, i dont care if i get in a car wreck on the way over there. sounds good to me.
i gtg, ill write more later... if i remember...
7:53pm
i still have faves to read, but i thot i had better write, before i loose track of stuff..im selfish, sorry
sorry for all the typose i feel kind f funny and just weird, so yeah.. and i dont feel like correcting them. kind of weak/tired, whatever...
im really irritable tense in pain about ready to cry depression lonely wanting to cut etcetcetc
so pizza.. was dumb. i was pretty much in my own world. i didnt wanna listen to evey1 so i phased them out. plus not all of us could sit in the same area. and the ppl i sat with were all talking about stuff which had nothing to do with me, so i was able to keep to myself.
my parents are drving me crazy. everting is driving me crazy. even my g-parents.. which i feel guilty..
i feel like im gonna explode. i just want to be myself and wanna be alone. evberuone is up in my face. my parents or mom or whatever is in denial. they obviously have no clue. what do i have to do, slit my wrists in front of them, email them my journals, leave bloddy stuff around, what?! i think i have tried a few things, and they STIll don get it. my head hurts cus i need to cry.
i have no therapist, no one. i thot about sending my old therapist a letter. and asking her how much she would charge since i have no ins or no job. somehow i got away with paying only 30 bucks each time, but i feel guilty just paying that little. and i still dont know why i stopped. she thot it would be easier for me to go to the center in town, for free of charge. but then maybe she just didnt know what else to do with me. why do i even need to think about seeing someone. its not even gonna help, im broken, untreatrable, unfixable, everything...
i dont know, im gonna try to take my mind off of stuff...
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Wedding
So i am going to try to remember the last couple of days.. i can barely remember like two hours ago, but yeah..
Friday around 2:30. not sure how to describe it.. but.. my sister was driving and the car we were in beeps if the up-front ppl are not buckled. she was, but i wasnt. but i do buckle, always, just not like right away. also before this, i noticted when this would happen she would boss every1 around and yell at us/them to buckle up. so anyways, we are like two block from the house, leaving, and she was yelling at me to buckle, i said i am, i always do.. and i guess she thot i was taking it personal and then she was raising her voice and saying, jill youre not allowed do this. so i started crying and then got even more pissed. and then later when she talked to mark, her fiance, she said, oh yeah, jills already yelled at me. god make me look like the bad guy, whatever, youre one who is all stressed out and on edge. so yeah the drive was a little tense. oh, and i offered to drive. and then she goes, what..are you just saying that cus my acceleration is off .. or whatever... i was like, (about to cry)-again, no, i just thot i could help you out.. then she goes, no i like driving and it keeps my mind off of things. so yeah, i obviously was seriously thinking about jumping out of the car and going home. but then she would have gotten even more pissed.
so we picked up my sister's friend, and then went to cincy. dropped our stuff off at her other friend's house. me and her two friends, so far, were in the bridal party. it was freaking hot in this girl's house, but i managed. then we drove to the wedding site for a rehearsal. then drove to dave and busters for the rehearsal dinner. the food was ok, but the cake was even better. mingled there, and then played games afterwards. then the four of us went back to L's house, and got ready for bed. we watched BIG LOVE on HBO. id probly watch it again, but i we dont get HBO..the nite was pretty hot and i couldnt get to sleep. i wanted to try to go online, but they had an apple computer, and i cannot figure those out.
Saturday morning. got up ate breakfast and other food. then the four of us went to the hair place. met another bridesmaid there. and then left back to L's house for makeup. and drove to the wedding site. had a bunch of pictures taken, chilled out for awhile. and then 5 was when the ceremony began. when ever i see ppl cry, i start to cry. but i didnt actually shed any tears, so i guess thats good. it was over in less than 20 minutes and then more pictures. then 6:30 the reception offically began.
everyone, family, family friends said i did a nice job and was very pretty, etc. i was like , oh thanks.. of course not believing it. i was the only single bridesmaid. watching ppl dance, i was jealous. not just because of couples dancing, but i am way to self conscious to get out on the dance floor. i went like two times, but thats it. i kind of wanted to, but didnt feel comfrtable, and plus i dont even know how to dance. they all say to just move around, but i feel stupid... blah.. then when i was saying goodbye, i never knew what to say. i just want to bye, and then walk off. but thats not how it was. i would pretty much repeat things the other person said.. im such a dumbass, no social skills what so ever.
i am kind of hoping some of my parent's friends will say stuff to my parents, like she acted kind of weird, or sad, etc.. god that will never happen. and like ppl would ask if i was having a good time. i didnt wanna lie but i also wanted to say the truth.. did that make sense? i was so zoned out the whole time.. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. then i cant BS, so i felt really uncomfortable. its so hard to be to BS about having fun, or BS about being happy. hell, its hard to do the real thing.. damn.. i dont feel anything. i am glad it over with. i dont have to be all 'social' or pretend or try to be. but yeah i dont feel anything. *sigh* i have no idea..
i dont even act interested when ppl are talking to me or with/at me. so i watched my cousin talking to a few ppl and she seemed so interested in the other persons words. whether she really did or not, i dont know. but it seemed real. i cant even pretend.. like i wouldnt know what to do, or i wouldnt be able to think of something to say, or i would just repeat what they just said. and then sometimes, i 'zone out' while they're talking. thats really rude, but it just happens.... i should probly go to bed...
**so yeah, hopefully this made some sense--sorry about the names and whatever and everything else**
Friday around 2:30. not sure how to describe it.. but.. my sister was driving and the car we were in beeps if the up-front ppl are not buckled. she was, but i wasnt. but i do buckle, always, just not like right away. also before this, i noticted when this would happen she would boss every1 around and yell at us/them to buckle up. so anyways, we are like two block from the house, leaving, and she was yelling at me to buckle, i said i am, i always do.. and i guess she thot i was taking it personal and then she was raising her voice and saying, jill youre not allowed do this. so i started crying and then got even more pissed. and then later when she talked to mark, her fiance, she said, oh yeah, jills already yelled at me. god make me look like the bad guy, whatever, youre one who is all stressed out and on edge. so yeah the drive was a little tense. oh, and i offered to drive. and then she goes, what..are you just saying that cus my acceleration is off .. or whatever... i was like, (about to cry)-again, no, i just thot i could help you out.. then she goes, no i like driving and it keeps my mind off of things. so yeah, i obviously was seriously thinking about jumping out of the car and going home. but then she would have gotten even more pissed.
so we picked up my sister's friend, and then went to cincy. dropped our stuff off at her other friend's house. me and her two friends, so far, were in the bridal party. it was freaking hot in this girl's house, but i managed. then we drove to the wedding site for a rehearsal. then drove to dave and busters for the rehearsal dinner. the food was ok, but the cake was even better. mingled there, and then played games afterwards. then the four of us went back to L's house, and got ready for bed. we watched BIG LOVE on HBO. id probly watch it again, but i we dont get HBO..the nite was pretty hot and i couldnt get to sleep. i wanted to try to go online, but they had an apple computer, and i cannot figure those out.
Saturday morning. got up ate breakfast and other food. then the four of us went to the hair place. met another bridesmaid there. and then left back to L's house for makeup. and drove to the wedding site. had a bunch of pictures taken, chilled out for awhile. and then 5 was when the ceremony began. when ever i see ppl cry, i start to cry. but i didnt actually shed any tears, so i guess thats good. it was over in less than 20 minutes and then more pictures. then 6:30 the reception offically began.
everyone, family, family friends said i did a nice job and was very pretty, etc. i was like , oh thanks.. of course not believing it. i was the only single bridesmaid. watching ppl dance, i was jealous. not just because of couples dancing, but i am way to self conscious to get out on the dance floor. i went like two times, but thats it. i kind of wanted to, but didnt feel comfrtable, and plus i dont even know how to dance. they all say to just move around, but i feel stupid... blah.. then when i was saying goodbye, i never knew what to say. i just want to bye, and then walk off. but thats not how it was. i would pretty much repeat things the other person said.. im such a dumbass, no social skills what so ever.
i am kind of hoping some of my parent's friends will say stuff to my parents, like she acted kind of weird, or sad, etc.. god that will never happen. and like ppl would ask if i was having a good time. i didnt wanna lie but i also wanted to say the truth.. did that make sense? i was so zoned out the whole time.. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. then i cant BS, so i felt really uncomfortable. its so hard to be to BS about having fun, or BS about being happy. hell, its hard to do the real thing.. damn.. i dont feel anything. i am glad it over with. i dont have to be all 'social' or pretend or try to be. but yeah i dont feel anything. *sigh* i have no idea..
i dont even act interested when ppl are talking to me or with/at me. so i watched my cousin talking to a few ppl and she seemed so interested in the other persons words. whether she really did or not, i dont know. but it seemed real. i cant even pretend.. like i wouldnt know what to do, or i wouldnt be able to think of something to say, or i would just repeat what they just said. and then sometimes, i 'zone out' while they're talking. thats really rude, but it just happens.... i should probly go to bed...
**so yeah, hopefully this made some sense--sorry about the names and whatever and everything else**
Friday, May 25, 2007
12:35 pm
uhm i dont feel anything.. the only thing i feel is physicaly tension pain. i suppose if i was the one getting married and didnt feel anything, then maybe there would be a problem. but everyones so happy and excited, etc, etc. im not. i just wanna get it over with. im not even nervous or worried. as i said well before this, i cant let anyone know i am struggling bc i wont be more stress on everyone and i wont ruin ruin the wedding. but i have a feeling, even after this is over with... they wont get it. i dont know. i dont think its an attention thing. like oh, my sister is getting all the attention, and i wish people would see me.
i dont know. i think i have to leave soon. not sure what all is happening. well i will drive down with my sister around 2. i guess she wants to drop some things off at the place were staying tonite. then well go to the wedding site, rehearse and then go to some adult chuck e cheese.. dave and busters.. whatever..
shit gotta go.. help my sister.
i dont know. i think i have to leave soon. not sure what all is happening. well i will drive down with my sister around 2. i guess she wants to drop some things off at the place were staying tonite. then well go to the wedding site, rehearse and then go to some adult chuck e cheese.. dave and busters.. whatever..
shit gotta go.. help my sister.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Stand still..
okay so i guess ill write a real entry..
had another revelation or whatever... i am at a standstill or whatever. regarding just about everything. i guess i am doing okay for not being in therapy. but i dont like how i am doing. im not really improving on anything. i guess im not doing worse. but it just depends on the circumstances or whatever. like in high school and early college, i remember i felt horrible and would scribe on things, leaving suicidal marks everywhere--like defacing school stuff etc. i dont do that.. but back then, even tho i was horrible i was 'involved' in stuff. i dont know where im going. lost my train of thought.. which is another thing.. i know, deep down, that something is wrong with my nuerologically. i will always think that until i am diagnosed with something or have had all the possiblt tests to see if anything is wrong. but since i have no insurance, i cant be tested for any of those things. so im SOL and have like an elderly person's mind in a 23 year old body.. joy...
so the last time i saw a therapist was march 30. i then had a mental health assessment at the local clinic on april 6 and 24. and then the person i had that assessment with called me april 25 saying someone should or would be calling me to set up an appt time to see a therapist and eventually psychiatrist. so i had been meaning to call the mental health place to see whatsup. told them my name and who i had talked to last etc. they said that the therapist that was just hired, has not been giving the green light to start scheduling .. so then i told them that i am supposed to see (specific name given). and was that the new person. i knew it wasnt the new person, but i was kind of being agressive or assertive, etc. and they were like, oh no shes been here forever. then i guess i was transferred to this person. talked to her for like 5 minutes or less and then she said she'd look into it and call me back.. i will give her a week and then call back, again.
i also need to call the bvr lady. havent talked to her since 5-14. may do that tomorrow.
i have to go to the dress rehearsal and rehearsal dinner friday. then spend the nite at one of the bridemaid's houses and then get up sat morning and get my hair done, and then do the wedding and reception. i really dont know... i feel bad that im not toasting or speaking or saying anything. im the MOH and sister of the bride.. but i just dont feel comfortable doing it. i get so freaking nervous. my mom said maybe i should, if i wanted to. she gave me this thing to read.. like today. and the thing is fri. im not the kind of person who can prepare something at the last minute, even if i am just reading off a piece of paper. i need like a few weeks or a month.. so i dont know if i will do it.
my dress fits. i was afraid it wouldnt..even after the tailoring...i still have some packing to do. my mom wants like the computer room, foyer, stair way, my room , and my bathroom all picked up by like tomorrow at noon. not sure why. just one person is staying at the house, my uncle, like thurs or fri, staying for the wkend i guess. but then the fiances parents are coming over sunday. but not sure why i have to clean everything by tomorrow, but whatever...
i applied for another study.. no idea what it's for.. forgot to ask. and forgot to ask what the compensation is. its somewhat closer that the other one i went to earlier this month. i know its for mdd people. so i go there for the screen and interview or whatever tues.
went to a stupid job fair or something at a temp agency. no clerical jobs, but i kind of liked that place better than the others. but i dont know.. not sure why i say that, cus i am pretty sure no one will be calling. there are no clerical jobs anywhere!
so i dont know. what else to write about. my eyes are hurting and i guess im kind of tired.. i dont know. whatever..
had another revelation or whatever... i am at a standstill or whatever. regarding just about everything. i guess i am doing okay for not being in therapy. but i dont like how i am doing. im not really improving on anything. i guess im not doing worse. but it just depends on the circumstances or whatever. like in high school and early college, i remember i felt horrible and would scribe on things, leaving suicidal marks everywhere--like defacing school stuff etc. i dont do that.. but back then, even tho i was horrible i was 'involved' in stuff. i dont know where im going. lost my train of thought.. which is another thing.. i know, deep down, that something is wrong with my nuerologically. i will always think that until i am diagnosed with something or have had all the possiblt tests to see if anything is wrong. but since i have no insurance, i cant be tested for any of those things. so im SOL and have like an elderly person's mind in a 23 year old body.. joy...
so the last time i saw a therapist was march 30. i then had a mental health assessment at the local clinic on april 6 and 24. and then the person i had that assessment with called me april 25 saying someone should or would be calling me to set up an appt time to see a therapist and eventually psychiatrist. so i had been meaning to call the mental health place to see whatsup. told them my name and who i had talked to last etc. they said that the therapist that was just hired, has not been giving the green light to start scheduling .. so then i told them that i am supposed to see (specific name given). and was that the new person. i knew it wasnt the new person, but i was kind of being agressive or assertive, etc. and they were like, oh no shes been here forever. then i guess i was transferred to this person. talked to her for like 5 minutes or less and then she said she'd look into it and call me back.. i will give her a week and then call back, again.
i also need to call the bvr lady. havent talked to her since 5-14. may do that tomorrow.
i have to go to the dress rehearsal and rehearsal dinner friday. then spend the nite at one of the bridemaid's houses and then get up sat morning and get my hair done, and then do the wedding and reception. i really dont know... i feel bad that im not toasting or speaking or saying anything. im the MOH and sister of the bride.. but i just dont feel comfortable doing it. i get so freaking nervous. my mom said maybe i should, if i wanted to. she gave me this thing to read.. like today. and the thing is fri. im not the kind of person who can prepare something at the last minute, even if i am just reading off a piece of paper. i need like a few weeks or a month.. so i dont know if i will do it.
my dress fits. i was afraid it wouldnt..even after the tailoring...i still have some packing to do. my mom wants like the computer room, foyer, stair way, my room , and my bathroom all picked up by like tomorrow at noon. not sure why. just one person is staying at the house, my uncle, like thurs or fri, staying for the wkend i guess. but then the fiances parents are coming over sunday. but not sure why i have to clean everything by tomorrow, but whatever...
i applied for another study.. no idea what it's for.. forgot to ask. and forgot to ask what the compensation is. its somewhat closer that the other one i went to earlier this month. i know its for mdd people. so i go there for the screen and interview or whatever tues.
went to a stupid job fair or something at a temp agency. no clerical jobs, but i kind of liked that place better than the others. but i dont know.. not sure why i say that, cus i am pretty sure no one will be calling. there are no clerical jobs anywhere!
so i dont know. what else to write about. my eyes are hurting and i guess im kind of tired.. i dont know. whatever..
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Webcams
So I dont feel like writing a REAL entry. But I am thinking about getting a webcam. I was told that I could find a decent one for like 20 dollars. I looked at Staples and they didn't have that many and none were around that price. I think I just want to take stills/pictures and record videos for blogs and other random stuff. And post them online. I don't know anything about webcams, so I was wondering if anyone could advise me. Thanks!
Friday, May 18, 2007
Carole King
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
I have often asked myself for reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
-Beautiful by Carole King
--------
Oh yeah, Sheryl Crow will be near me in July. I wanna go, but I have no idea who I'd go with. Either my sister and her fiance, or my mom and/or dad. Oh boy, what fun! Blah.. This is another bad thing about not having any friends. And I have never been to any kind of concert with someone else besides family.
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
Waiting at the station with a workday wind a-blowing
I've got nothing to do but watch the passers-by
Mirrored in their faces I see frustration growing
And they don't see it showing, why do I?
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
I have often asked myself for reason for sadness
In a world where tears are just a lullaby
If there's any answer, maybe love can end the madness
Maybe not, oh, but we can only try
You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel
-Beautiful by Carole King
--------
Oh yeah, Sheryl Crow will be near me in July. I wanna go, but I have no idea who I'd go with. Either my sister and her fiance, or my mom and/or dad. Oh boy, what fun! Blah.. This is another bad thing about not having any friends. And I have never been to any kind of concert with someone else besides family.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Kiddie Kuts
fuck.. i feel like cutting..
why am i always jealous of everyone. pretty much everything and everyone triggers me and makes me feel sad and whatever..
why cant i be normal'
why cant i get the fucking motivation to loose weight, to stop eating. why cant i be like i was in high school. why dammit, why
my mom suggested me calling up my cousin tomorrow. i want to drive to kmart and look at some things. my mom thot i should go out of my comfort zone and call her up to see if she wanted to go shopping with me. no i will not do that. no way. id rather drive over with a complete stranger than with her. she is everything i am not. why the hell would she wanna come anyways. fuck that.
has anyone tried putting vitamin e on scars.. like they are supposed to fade them or something.
i have no one. no one. no one.
occ. one person online. but the rest, zero. they wont even talk to me online. too busy doing other stuff. too caught up in their own shit.
i dont know if ill cut.
i feel very alone.
very desperate
very pissed at myself.
why am i always jealous of everyone. pretty much everything and everyone triggers me and makes me feel sad and whatever..
why cant i be normal'
why cant i get the fucking motivation to loose weight, to stop eating. why cant i be like i was in high school. why dammit, why
my mom suggested me calling up my cousin tomorrow. i want to drive to kmart and look at some things. my mom thot i should go out of my comfort zone and call her up to see if she wanted to go shopping with me. no i will not do that. no way. id rather drive over with a complete stranger than with her. she is everything i am not. why the hell would she wanna come anyways. fuck that.
has anyone tried putting vitamin e on scars.. like they are supposed to fade them or something.
i have no one. no one. no one.
occ. one person online. but the rest, zero. they wont even talk to me online. too busy doing other stuff. too caught up in their own shit.
i dont know if ill cut.
i feel very alone.
very desperate
very pissed at myself.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Cannot believe it
i just got an email from my sister. she was reminding all the bridemaids about the rehearsal that is fri the 25. yeah so my sister is getting married may 26. i had no idea it was so close to the date. i so dont wanna be in the wedding or be at the reception or anything. they both dont really want a wedding. but whatever. my dress isnt going to fit either, probly. we got it tailored but i think i have gained weight since then. i keep eating. nothing will motivate me to stop eating or eat healthy or exercise. for a brief moment i thot i wouldnt have to stay for the reception. i forget what day it was, sat or sun of last week. my mom's parents, my grandparents arent sure if they can come. but we were, my parents and i were talking, about how if they did go, they would need someone to drive them home. so i offered. and my mom was like. huh.. i didnt even consider that idea. and for a while i was trying to convince them it would work. but my dad didnt like it one bit, and thot since i was the sister and MOH i needed to stay for everything. but then why would my parents want to have someone who actually wanted to stay for the reception to take the old folks home? it would be perfect. i dont mind taking them home. i dont even wanna stay. i dont drink or dance, can barely make conversation. but i dont think that will happen. i think my sister has other plans for me. and she doesnt even know that my grandparents might not be there. god i dont wanna do this. i keep thinking, maybe, once this is all over, it will be my time, maybe i can convince my parents i need more help with stuff. but actually i can just hear my mom saying, ** all you need is a job, then things will get easier. yeah right what ever.
i dont have anyone. i am so fucking alone. nothing is going forward or getting better. every1 just comes into my life and leaves or doenst even come into my life. i dont know what i want. i dont find it pleasurable or even helpful anymore to talk to ppl online. im not sure what i want out of it, but i dont get anything.
the stupid mental health clinic in town hasnt called. i last talked to someone, which that person is no longer with them-i wish i would have asked why she was leaving, april 25. havent heard from anyone since then. i know i should call, but i am afraid they wont have an answer and i will get even more upset. thinking there isnt any hope, there isnt anyone out there, nothing, no one.
called the bvr counselor person monday. no repsonse. i will try to try calling wednesday or thursday. i need a job, i need something. the only reason why i think i need a job is to please my parents. but listening well actually reading ppl's ..whatever.. cant think of the word... times at work, it just scares me and overwhlems me. stuff that i would have just cried about or walked out, but they would stick it out.
im a waste. i dont do anything. im not good for anything. im pointless. i have nothing to offer and am unfixable. who would want to hire me for work? who would want to date me? who would want to be my friend? no one, i deserve it. im stupid..
this is stupid...
i dont have anyone. i am so fucking alone. nothing is going forward or getting better. every1 just comes into my life and leaves or doenst even come into my life. i dont know what i want. i dont find it pleasurable or even helpful anymore to talk to ppl online. im not sure what i want out of it, but i dont get anything.
the stupid mental health clinic in town hasnt called. i last talked to someone, which that person is no longer with them-i wish i would have asked why she was leaving, april 25. havent heard from anyone since then. i know i should call, but i am afraid they wont have an answer and i will get even more upset. thinking there isnt any hope, there isnt anyone out there, nothing, no one.
called the bvr counselor person monday. no repsonse. i will try to try calling wednesday or thursday. i need a job, i need something. the only reason why i think i need a job is to please my parents. but listening well actually reading ppl's ..whatever.. cant think of the word... times at work, it just scares me and overwhlems me. stuff that i would have just cried about or walked out, but they would stick it out.
im a waste. i dont do anything. im not good for anything. im pointless. i have nothing to offer and am unfixable. who would want to hire me for work? who would want to date me? who would want to be my friend? no one, i deserve it. im stupid..
this is stupid...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Stranger than Fiction
just finished watching stranger than fiction. felt like i was forcing myself to watch it. its been sitting on the coffee table for awhile now. cant get another movie till i return it. but yeah. i have always wanted to see it, so i felt like i was forcing myself to watch it.. who knows.
so im a really tired. i got a headache, same as always, around 7,30 8 o clock. i think it was from being at the computer for so long. since then it has been with me. i should sleep, but im not. and it hurts to look at the screen but im still doing it. and i took at least a 2 hour nap today. altho i did get up around 7,30. but yeah for some reason i am really tired. i think i have come up with a somewhat logical? reason as to why i stay up thru the nite even tho im so tired. maybe i stay up, so i dont have to lay awake in bed and think. cus whenever i stay up, i am always doing something. and maybe i am almost afraid of just laying awake thinking.. mm i dont know. it sounds pretty good and makes sense. but probly doesnt make me much sicker, ha, not that im trying, but yeah.
two temp agencies.. no luck. dont feel like writing much tho. i kind of think i am better than the ppl that go there. what are they thinking by wearing track suits, sweat pants, to an interview, or even sleeping in the waiting area?! no idea. but i felt out of place as usual. after the second temp agency thing, my parents asked how it went, i said it was pointless. and my dad said something like when youre just starting out.. actually im not sure what he said. but they dont get it.. but i cant expect them to, cus they have never been to a temp agency. i feel so dumb, im the only grand daughter who didnt graduate from college, and cant find a job and has to go to a temp agency. i bet my cousins have never stepped foot in one. whatever. it hurts to think... whats that a sign of.. the second place was a little nicer. there was one old woman who came in. never seen that before. i feel bad for her, i wonder what kind of work shell be doing. but two different ladies working there said two different things about finding clerical positions. one said theyre arent that many. and one said that they have been busy and theyre sure they can find me something. whatever. i knew they couldnt help me. but the opportunity to say, you have to start somewhere for office experience, didnt come up. oh well.
so im a really tired. i got a headache, same as always, around 7,30 8 o clock. i think it was from being at the computer for so long. since then it has been with me. i should sleep, but im not. and it hurts to look at the screen but im still doing it. and i took at least a 2 hour nap today. altho i did get up around 7,30. but yeah for some reason i am really tired. i think i have come up with a somewhat logical? reason as to why i stay up thru the nite even tho im so tired. maybe i stay up, so i dont have to lay awake in bed and think. cus whenever i stay up, i am always doing something. and maybe i am almost afraid of just laying awake thinking.. mm i dont know. it sounds pretty good and makes sense. but probly doesnt make me much sicker, ha, not that im trying, but yeah.
two temp agencies.. no luck. dont feel like writing much tho. i kind of think i am better than the ppl that go there. what are they thinking by wearing track suits, sweat pants, to an interview, or even sleeping in the waiting area?! no idea. but i felt out of place as usual. after the second temp agency thing, my parents asked how it went, i said it was pointless. and my dad said something like when youre just starting out.. actually im not sure what he said. but they dont get it.. but i cant expect them to, cus they have never been to a temp agency. i feel so dumb, im the only grand daughter who didnt graduate from college, and cant find a job and has to go to a temp agency. i bet my cousins have never stepped foot in one. whatever. it hurts to think... whats that a sign of.. the second place was a little nicer. there was one old woman who came in. never seen that before. i feel bad for her, i wonder what kind of work shell be doing. but two different ladies working there said two different things about finding clerical positions. one said theyre arent that many. and one said that they have been busy and theyre sure they can find me something. whatever. i knew they couldnt help me. but the opportunity to say, you have to start somewhere for office experience, didnt come up. oh well.
(22) Photos
im bored, so heres some of my fave photos i have taken the last couple of years and now.
New York City
Wegerzyn Gardens
My House
Garden Center
Sorry that there are so many flower photos. Flowers are one of my favorite subjects. Oh, and sorry the sizing is all wrong, or not good enough.
Wegerzyn Gardens
My House
Garden Center
Sorry that there are so many flower photos. Flowers are one of my favorite subjects. Oh, and sorry the sizing is all wrong, or not good enough.
**Oh yeah, I don't think I will be adding photos to this blog again, it was way too hard and took forever!!** GRR!!!
Stupid
This is an email I sent to my mom earlier, after my stupid appointment/interview at cbs, the temp agency. i have another appt/interview at another temp agency at 1:30..
it is almost 11. just now got back from cbs. i really cant work. but whatever. im doing all this work serching for you. they ask me what i wanna be doing, i make up some answer cus i dont know what i want to be doing. so i filled out all the paperwork, as if i am being hired to work for cbs. someone is sipposed to call me to set up an interview today at for dodge animal health. i could be making boxes, i could be picking and packing boxes. i think its fast paced. but i didnt ask for sure. you stand all day. 1:30-10, 8.75 an hour. not guarenteed to be hired even after working the 520 hours. m-f. must be willing to work overtime, cus it happens a lot. cant remember whatever else. but they said they dont wanna train pl and than have them quit, so whatever.. i feel like shit. i cant eve make it hru the day without being so tired and lathragic something is wrong, but no money for drs or tests. and i have seen drs all my life and they cant find anything. but yeah. i can barely drive hme from cbs. im leaving for the store. was hoping dad could help me, but hes not here. i was also hopeing to sleep before i went to my 1:30 adecco thing. but cbs took so darn long. they didnt get to me until 10.. no idea why they said i had an interview at 9. i think they tell evbery1 that. and of course i was the nicest one dressed there. one firl was even sleeping in the waiting area. whatever. 10:57 leaving for the store
and her response was nothing really. the only thing she said that could possibly relate to this email was, youre right, its not an ideal job. just see how the other place goes. of course i didnt say, that in order to get a clerical position you have to have previous work experience in an office.
im so tired. not as weak as i was when i sent the email, obviously. cus i had typos everywhere in that one. but i was truely, not all here/there.
it is almost 11. just now got back from cbs. i really cant work. but whatever. im doing all this work serching for you. they ask me what i wanna be doing, i make up some answer cus i dont know what i want to be doing. so i filled out all the paperwork, as if i am being hired to work for cbs. someone is sipposed to call me to set up an interview today at for dodge animal health. i could be making boxes, i could be picking and packing boxes. i think its fast paced. but i didnt ask for sure. you stand all day. 1:30-10, 8.75 an hour. not guarenteed to be hired even after working the 520 hours. m-f. must be willing to work overtime, cus it happens a lot. cant remember whatever else. but they said they dont wanna train pl and than have them quit, so whatever.. i feel like shit. i cant eve make it hru the day without being so tired and lathragic something is wrong, but no money for drs or tests. and i have seen drs all my life and they cant find anything. but yeah. i can barely drive hme from cbs. im leaving for the store. was hoping dad could help me, but hes not here. i was also hopeing to sleep before i went to my 1:30 adecco thing. but cbs took so darn long. they didnt get to me until 10.. no idea why they said i had an interview at 9. i think they tell evbery1 that. and of course i was the nicest one dressed there. one firl was even sleeping in the waiting area. whatever. 10:57 leaving for the store
and her response was nothing really. the only thing she said that could possibly relate to this email was, youre right, its not an ideal job. just see how the other place goes. of course i didnt say, that in order to get a clerical position you have to have previous work experience in an office.
im so tired. not as weak as i was when i sent the email, obviously. cus i had typos everywhere in that one. but i was truely, not all here/there.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Waste
today was a nice day.. the weather i mean. got up around noon. i do set my alarm the night before. but it ends up going off and i just let it go off until the ringer stops. kind of annoying, but id rather listen to it go off than get up out of bed. so i think it went off around 10:20, and of course i was so confused an tired when it went off. so yeah i ddint get up.
i had a few errands i needed to run, but of course i didnt do them. i basically sat at the computer all day transferring my yahoo photos to snapfish. i felt bad for my dog, bc i wasnt paying attention to him. then i felt like going outside and just lieing on the ground. but i didnt want anyone to see me. so i didnt do that. my parents wanted me to talk a walk with them, but i said no. i had to force myself to go vote this evening.. other than that.. didnt leave the house, at all.
my mom has been nagging on me about getting a job. she has the classifieds section on the counter with jobs circles. she keeps asking if i have called the temp agencys. and now she wants me to go around and drop resumes off. she circled an ad from addecco. and im assuming she wants me to check out the clerical positions. at first i was like, find ill call and make an appt. but now i just remembered earlier. that they wont give you a clerical job unless you have experience. if i go in for an appt. i am going to request for clerical. and then when they say, 'we cant hire anyone without previous office work experience" like that have said numerous times to me, then i will say, do you have any suggestions for my getting experience, bc you have to start somewhere. i have the education, just not the experience. and then, my mom has circled receptionist positions. i thought she knew i would suck at that job.. but evidently not.. whatever...
everyone has come into my life and left. so i am here, by myself. i am sick of ppl saying they are so alone and they just want someone to listen to them. but then when i do offer to listen or i do email them or IM, they just are completely quiet. i dont know. its basically whats going on right now.. i have no one. every1 has gotten a job, is in school, or just is too busy for the internet or even to hang out in person. i want to say something, but cant get it out right..
so here goes.. i IMed someone online. i was feeling really shitty and i guess they were too. so they just said something like kill yourself, sorry but thats all i can say.. after theu said that, i just thot.. well they obviously dont even care about me, friendship or relationship, whatever. bc i would never tell someone to just kill themself. i would try to help them, but never just kill yourself. so it really hurt me. i dont know. now after that, i dont really have anyone online.. to talk to. so whatever..
i will probably go to bed early.. at least try.. i dont know what else to do. i have a movie to watch, but i dont feel like watching it. and i dont wanna watch it just to watch it and then return it.. or i dont wanna feel obligated to watch it. i want to actually enjoy it.. who knows, what ill do.
i had a few errands i needed to run, but of course i didnt do them. i basically sat at the computer all day transferring my yahoo photos to snapfish. i felt bad for my dog, bc i wasnt paying attention to him. then i felt like going outside and just lieing on the ground. but i didnt want anyone to see me. so i didnt do that. my parents wanted me to talk a walk with them, but i said no. i had to force myself to go vote this evening.. other than that.. didnt leave the house, at all.
my mom has been nagging on me about getting a job. she has the classifieds section on the counter with jobs circles. she keeps asking if i have called the temp agencys. and now she wants me to go around and drop resumes off. she circled an ad from addecco. and im assuming she wants me to check out the clerical positions. at first i was like, find ill call and make an appt. but now i just remembered earlier. that they wont give you a clerical job unless you have experience. if i go in for an appt. i am going to request for clerical. and then when they say, 'we cant hire anyone without previous office work experience" like that have said numerous times to me, then i will say, do you have any suggestions for my getting experience, bc you have to start somewhere. i have the education, just not the experience. and then, my mom has circled receptionist positions. i thought she knew i would suck at that job.. but evidently not.. whatever...
everyone has come into my life and left. so i am here, by myself. i am sick of ppl saying they are so alone and they just want someone to listen to them. but then when i do offer to listen or i do email them or IM, they just are completely quiet. i dont know. its basically whats going on right now.. i have no one. every1 has gotten a job, is in school, or just is too busy for the internet or even to hang out in person. i want to say something, but cant get it out right..
so here goes.. i IMed someone online. i was feeling really shitty and i guess they were too. so they just said something like kill yourself, sorry but thats all i can say.. after theu said that, i just thot.. well they obviously dont even care about me, friendship or relationship, whatever. bc i would never tell someone to just kill themself. i would try to help them, but never just kill yourself. so it really hurt me. i dont know. now after that, i dont really have anyone online.. to talk to. so whatever..
i will probably go to bed early.. at least try.. i dont know what else to do. i have a movie to watch, but i dont feel like watching it. and i dont wanna watch it just to watch it and then return it.. or i dont wanna feel obligated to watch it. i want to actually enjoy it.. who knows, what ill do.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Loser
i still have been feeling really shitty. physically and mentally. i am such a waste. i really dont want to write now. but maybe i will. i dont know. nothing else to do..
so physically.. i have headaches all the time. and stupid things trigger it. like getting up out of a chair, or walking, or coughing, breatheing, shit like that. most of the time, they are probly migraines. i feel like car sick, i dont throw up, but i just feel horrible. my back hurts a lot. i am always bloated and gassy. and then when i have to poop, i usually have a headache. so its hard to poop, bc when i strain to push it out, my head hurts so bad. tmi, i dont care. i shake a lot. i am always in a daze. i hate driving, but it seems like theres not choice. i feel like i cant concentrate and my mind just wanders. i forget a lot of things. random weird things. i cannot focus. my ability to stay alert has decreased a lot as well. i am always tired and fatigued. weak.
mentally.. i am depressed. lonely. agitated. get annoyed very easily. i have short fuses and yell a lot. and i have extreme feelings of guilt. i am irritable. tense, not sure if that is physical or not. and then all of the above symptoms make me feel discouraged cus no one (drs) can find anything wrong with me. and its not like i can go to every specialist, again, bc i dont have insurance.
i am a waste. i cant even get a freaking job, get up at a decent time. i dont know. my mom said that i should get up one day this week and go around town and fill out applications. sure, ill try it. i guess, maybe. sounds just like another disappointment for me. and another day full of rejections and more depression.
the mental health clinic hasnt called. i will give them one more week and then call them. i looked up the therapist, who will be seeing me, on zabasearch.. shes almost the same age on dr milam in YS. damn. I think i know who it is.. like i have seen an older gray haired lady walking through the center. so whatever.. its stupid. im pretty much on my own, cus im not sick enough for anything and whatever. i truely feel that i am unfixable, broken, defected. i am able to be fixed, nothing is going to help me.
i kind of think being on my birth control pills is giving me headaches. i think in the past the pill has done this to me. the reason why i started it, the symptoms have not left. and i guess i can live with them. it sucks no one can explain to me why its happening, but id rather have the other symptoms than headaches. so i think i will eventually stop that. i stopped the amitriptyline already.. dont know when, didnt write it down, so i dont remember. but it was for the headaches and it wasnt helping. so maybe when i stop the BC, i will start the Ami. up again.
i am lonely. i have no one to talk to. and then if someone is online, i dont know what to say. i dont wanna bother them. and usually it doesnt help anyways, so why bother.
i have a headache.. as usual.. so im quitting this.
visit to mariemont:
so i drove down to cincy fri afternoon. got lost, but made it. i visted Katie down there. we walked her dog. so i got to see her neighborhood. very nice. when she comes here, i will feel kind of embarassed. but oh well. i played with her dog in her backyard. she showed me her house. we walked around her neighborhood, again, i think.. yeah. she wanted to show me the concourse. i never looked up the history of it. surely, it had to be something.. but yeah, then we walked to her grandma's house. i like old ppl. i felt really comfortable talking to her grandma. and wasnt nervous at all. then we walked to the square. then we went to a little shop. then i think we walked back to her house, played the with dog more. and i left. i took some pics there as well. a ton of her dog. but oh well. thats just how i am. so that went pretty well. was nervous about driving, but oh well.
bridal shower in cbus:
so i drove, some more.. saturday am. up to cbus. with my mom. its either my mom driving and be being all annoyed with her driving and whatever, or me driving and being all tense.. so really who knows.. but yeah. my sister, had a langerie (i know thats spelled wrong) shower held for her at her sister in laws (soon to be)house. that wasnt too bad, and i had already met the ppl at the shower. it was actually kind of fun. the food was good. and the company or whatever was nice. laughed a lot. then i 'hosted' a semi bachelorette party. just went to the gallery hop and out to dinner. that was fun as well. so all in all, it was good. then i drove home.. somehow made it home a live..
so physically.. i have headaches all the time. and stupid things trigger it. like getting up out of a chair, or walking, or coughing, breatheing, shit like that. most of the time, they are probly migraines. i feel like car sick, i dont throw up, but i just feel horrible. my back hurts a lot. i am always bloated and gassy. and then when i have to poop, i usually have a headache. so its hard to poop, bc when i strain to push it out, my head hurts so bad. tmi, i dont care. i shake a lot. i am always in a daze. i hate driving, but it seems like theres not choice. i feel like i cant concentrate and my mind just wanders. i forget a lot of things. random weird things. i cannot focus. my ability to stay alert has decreased a lot as well. i am always tired and fatigued. weak.
mentally.. i am depressed. lonely. agitated. get annoyed very easily. i have short fuses and yell a lot. and i have extreme feelings of guilt. i am irritable. tense, not sure if that is physical or not. and then all of the above symptoms make me feel discouraged cus no one (drs) can find anything wrong with me. and its not like i can go to every specialist, again, bc i dont have insurance.
i am a waste. i cant even get a freaking job, get up at a decent time. i dont know. my mom said that i should get up one day this week and go around town and fill out applications. sure, ill try it. i guess, maybe. sounds just like another disappointment for me. and another day full of rejections and more depression.
the mental health clinic hasnt called. i will give them one more week and then call them. i looked up the therapist, who will be seeing me, on zabasearch.. shes almost the same age on dr milam in YS. damn. I think i know who it is.. like i have seen an older gray haired lady walking through the center. so whatever.. its stupid. im pretty much on my own, cus im not sick enough for anything and whatever. i truely feel that i am unfixable, broken, defected. i am able to be fixed, nothing is going to help me.
i kind of think being on my birth control pills is giving me headaches. i think in the past the pill has done this to me. the reason why i started it, the symptoms have not left. and i guess i can live with them. it sucks no one can explain to me why its happening, but id rather have the other symptoms than headaches. so i think i will eventually stop that. i stopped the amitriptyline already.. dont know when, didnt write it down, so i dont remember. but it was for the headaches and it wasnt helping. so maybe when i stop the BC, i will start the Ami. up again.
i am lonely. i have no one to talk to. and then if someone is online, i dont know what to say. i dont wanna bother them. and usually it doesnt help anyways, so why bother.
i have a headache.. as usual.. so im quitting this.
visit to mariemont:
so i drove down to cincy fri afternoon. got lost, but made it. i visted Katie down there. we walked her dog. so i got to see her neighborhood. very nice. when she comes here, i will feel kind of embarassed. but oh well. i played with her dog in her backyard. she showed me her house. we walked around her neighborhood, again, i think.. yeah. she wanted to show me the concourse. i never looked up the history of it. surely, it had to be something.. but yeah, then we walked to her grandma's house. i like old ppl. i felt really comfortable talking to her grandma. and wasnt nervous at all. then we walked to the square. then we went to a little shop. then i think we walked back to her house, played the with dog more. and i left. i took some pics there as well. a ton of her dog. but oh well. thats just how i am. so that went pretty well. was nervous about driving, but oh well.
bridal shower in cbus:
so i drove, some more.. saturday am. up to cbus. with my mom. its either my mom driving and be being all annoyed with her driving and whatever, or me driving and being all tense.. so really who knows.. but yeah. my sister, had a langerie (i know thats spelled wrong) shower held for her at her sister in laws (soon to be)house. that wasnt too bad, and i had already met the ppl at the shower. it was actually kind of fun. the food was good. and the company or whatever was nice. laughed a lot. then i 'hosted' a semi bachelorette party. just went to the gallery hop and out to dinner. that was fun as well. so all in all, it was good. then i drove home.. somehow made it home a live..
Sunday, May 6, 2007
"Pills"
I just wanted to post some lyrics. I just recently bought the new Charlotte Martin CD Stromata. I have listened to it a few times all the way through, but just now noticed the lyrics of a song. So here is it, called Pills:
Pills that make you think that you are happy
Pills that make you think that you are sad
Pills that make you love most anybody
Pills that make you altogether mad
Pills that make you feel a little sleepy
Pills that make you stay up way too late
Pills that make your skin feel kinda creepy
Pills that make your brain hallucinate
Pills that make the boys a little frisky
Pills that help the girls fight PMS
Pills that make your conversation risky
Pills that help you straighten out the mess
Pills to calm your nerves when on an airplane
Pills to make your acne start to fade
Pills to make you rid yourself of water
Pills that cause your body to retain
Pills that make you think that you're a rockstar
Pills that make you feel a bit insane
Pills that make you think you're in a movie
Pills that make you stand in front of trains
Yeah hopefully I will look at the entry before I write another one.. I need to write about:
My visit to Mariemont
Bachelorette Party
And whatever else...
Pills that make you think that you are happy
Pills that make you think that you are sad
Pills that make you love most anybody
Pills that make you altogether mad
Pills that make you feel a little sleepy
Pills that make you stay up way too late
Pills that make your skin feel kinda creepy
Pills that make your brain hallucinate
Pills that make the boys a little frisky
Pills that help the girls fight PMS
Pills that make your conversation risky
Pills that help you straighten out the mess
Pills to calm your nerves when on an airplane
Pills to make your acne start to fade
Pills to make you rid yourself of water
Pills that cause your body to retain
Pills that make you think that you're a rockstar
Pills that make you feel a bit insane
Pills that make you think you're in a movie
Pills that make you stand in front of trains
Yeah hopefully I will look at the entry before I write another one.. I need to write about:
My visit to Mariemont
Bachelorette Party
And whatever else...
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Self-Destructive
so i dont know what to write.
i took some pictures of my bday gifts and my dad took some of me opening them up. but i look nasty, so i wont put them on here. i havent even uploaded the pics yet..
but i got too much stuff. i feel guilty for all the money ppl spent on me. i never feel this extreme guilt. my mom got me TWO vera bradley bags, those things are so expensive. she said she was just trying to buy my affection. i was like, gee, great... sorry. i just said that she should have to do that, or buy material things to buy my affection from me or whatever. i guess she also feels bad that she is spending so much money on my sisters wedding and nothing on me. god i dont care. that never even crossed my mind. i just this wedding shit to be over with and then maybe i can come up with some things to tell my parents. or i can just be so destructive and kill myself. who knows.
oh yeah, i went to the lion king last nite. it was very good. the seats were perfect too. unfortunately, i wasnt totally focused on the show. my mind was wandering. and then i felt guilty cus the seats/tickets were expensive and i couldnt concentrate. but whenever i see musicals or shows like that, i also think of other things, besides the show. like not just things going on in my life, but like man these ppl have everthing, great talent, etc. or the set and music is so cool in the show, i wish i could be involved in something like that. or it would be so cool do be a part of the show, music, set, acting, singing, etc, anything. stupid stuff like that.. blah..
so yeah, we got home around 11:45 last nite. i was tired, but yet again i stayed up on the internet. and i, once again got another migraine. im not sure if its bc im staring at the screen all nite or bc im tired, or just the mix of both. then i started feeling nauscious and then went to bed around 3. then i felt like i was gonna poop my pants. and was on the toilet for a while. freaking out that i felt like i was going to barf and having diarrhea. didnt go to bed till 5. not sure why i said all this.
still not doing very well, mentall, emotionally, physically. theres tension between me and each parent. i can hear my mom always sighing after i said something or left the room. im depressed, im shaking, im dazed, im tired, i dont know whats wrong.. but neither does anyone else. i want to find a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty.. i know thats stupid. but i wanna be self destructive, just mess with my body and literally feel nothing, feel a high, feel good in my body.. i dont know. so my question is does anyone know of a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty? ha, i hate smoking and smokers, but i have to do something. same with alcohol, i have had it before, but hate the taste of it, beer, wine, or other liquers. if it has an alcohol taste, i will not drink it, cus it tasted nasty.. anyone have any suggestions on this one. yeah i know ppl tastebuds are different, so i dont know..
i took some pictures of my bday gifts and my dad took some of me opening them up. but i look nasty, so i wont put them on here. i havent even uploaded the pics yet..
but i got too much stuff. i feel guilty for all the money ppl spent on me. i never feel this extreme guilt. my mom got me TWO vera bradley bags, those things are so expensive. she said she was just trying to buy my affection. i was like, gee, great... sorry. i just said that she should have to do that, or buy material things to buy my affection from me or whatever. i guess she also feels bad that she is spending so much money on my sisters wedding and nothing on me. god i dont care. that never even crossed my mind. i just this wedding shit to be over with and then maybe i can come up with some things to tell my parents. or i can just be so destructive and kill myself. who knows.
oh yeah, i went to the lion king last nite. it was very good. the seats were perfect too. unfortunately, i wasnt totally focused on the show. my mind was wandering. and then i felt guilty cus the seats/tickets were expensive and i couldnt concentrate. but whenever i see musicals or shows like that, i also think of other things, besides the show. like not just things going on in my life, but like man these ppl have everthing, great talent, etc. or the set and music is so cool in the show, i wish i could be involved in something like that. or it would be so cool do be a part of the show, music, set, acting, singing, etc, anything. stupid stuff like that.. blah..
so yeah, we got home around 11:45 last nite. i was tired, but yet again i stayed up on the internet. and i, once again got another migraine. im not sure if its bc im staring at the screen all nite or bc im tired, or just the mix of both. then i started feeling nauscious and then went to bed around 3. then i felt like i was gonna poop my pants. and was on the toilet for a while. freaking out that i felt like i was going to barf and having diarrhea. didnt go to bed till 5. not sure why i said all this.
still not doing very well, mentall, emotionally, physically. theres tension between me and each parent. i can hear my mom always sighing after i said something or left the room. im depressed, im shaking, im dazed, im tired, i dont know whats wrong.. but neither does anyone else. i want to find a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty.. i know thats stupid. but i wanna be self destructive, just mess with my body and literally feel nothing, feel a high, feel good in my body.. i dont know. so my question is does anyone know of a cigarette that doesnt taste nasty? ha, i hate smoking and smokers, but i have to do something. same with alcohol, i have had it before, but hate the taste of it, beer, wine, or other liquers. if it has an alcohol taste, i will not drink it, cus it tasted nasty.. anyone have any suggestions on this one. yeah i know ppl tastebuds are different, so i dont know..
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