Reject

Uhm, so I went to that trial study. The drive wasnt very bad. Pretty easy directions. Straightforward, whatever. And I managed somehow to get back on 71, just fine. I just used common sense and follow the signs.. I have forgotten to ask for directions, but I think it would have confused me.
So I arrived super early. I checked in around 10:30. The appt was at 11. Turned out the woman who was heading the study was probly someone my age or a couple of year older. But that didn't make anything worse.. Uhm, so I had to read an 11 page packet telling about the study. And sign a privacy thing. I think it took me a while to read the whole packet, cus she kept on checking on me and I felt like I was reading it slow. Then she asked if it would be ok if a student research assistant would sit in, I said it was ok. Both just went over questions, screening questions. And then I filled out a questionaire or two. I had to pee really bad, but didnt speak up. Even though before we started the head girl said that this was the lengthy part of the visit and to speak up when we I needed a break.. So yeah I am not really assertive.. But yeah, so I when I spoke up, the RA said she had to go to. Not sure why I am saying this.. but the woman leading the study said I should just go ahead and pee in the cup.. for some pregnancy test.. I hate peeing in cups! OKAY... so then after all the questions and screening. The psychiatrist came in.. I admit, my answer are vague and I don't remember exact time frames.. But basically I had given everyone all the medications I had been on, regardless of how long. So its like a list of 13 drugs. Perhaps, more. I didn't know whether they had helped, what the dosages were, and how long I had been on them.. So, the guy said something like I would not be eligible for the study or any of them. As soon as I knew what was going on, I started to cry in side and felt tears in my eyes.. I have no idea if any of them noticed.. But unless I got all my medication records and any of the meds I tried was for less than 6 weeks, then I wouldnt be able to do the study.. This is AFTER I had sat in this small cramped hot room for a couple of hours. It's basically impossible for me to get all those records. It was like over 7 years ago. He suggested going to the pharmacy and getting the records. I am not going to bother.. Because I don't think I have been on a drug for less than 6 weeks, because I have been told to try something for at least a month or so. Cus the drugs may take a while before they kick in.. so whatever.. I left and started crying in my car.. I called my mom, cus she wanted me to call before I came home.. I told her I would be eligible, but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.. And I dont think realized I had been crying or was devastated.. So, hopeless, again.. I think I have come to realize that I am going to be fucking depressed and fucked up for the rest of my life.. I was rejected. I am not sick enough. I just have full blown major depression.. no bipolar, no manic, no extreme highs and lows, just lows.. flat lined all the fucking time.. no psychosis, no schizo.. just depression. whatever... no social anxiety.. its stupid.. enough of this..

so my bday is coming up.. i keep thinking to myself that i might forget it.. and i keep thinking thats really bad to forget your own bday.. but we will see.. but yeah, my mom asked if it would be ok to have ppl over monday night, instead of the 1st, my bday.. i was like well im supposed to have pizza at this work readiness class on monday.. and i will obviously be having cake later that nite for my bday.. but whatever.. i guess my dad works late tues nite.. so we cant do anything that nite.. the only ppl coming over are my grandparents, and then i heard my aunt and uncle will be coming.. i definately dont want my uncle.. too many bad memories, and i think he knows i dont like him.. whatever.. and im not sure why my aunt wants to come.. probly to just relay everything to her hot shot and well off and smart daughters (my cousins)... whatever..

my fingers hurt..