Pretending

people are coming over tonite to celebrate my birthday.. its really not until tomorrow, but my dad works late, so we have to do it tonite.. im kind of pissed. bc i will have to pretend or act my way thru it. and that makes me feel worse. i wish i could just let things go for a little bit and enjoy myself. i will try to. but i wont make any promises.

had my stupid class today. thank god it was the last class. they brought pizza in. i wasnt even hungry, but ate some. i shouldnt have tho. but i kind of felt bad. i wasnt even able to thank them.. i swear, if i was about to die or thot i was gonna pass out, i would not speak up.. im fucked up.

i felt really out of place in there today. i feel like that all the time, but today was worse. it was me and three others. i wanted to get up and leave so bad. but i didnt wanna draw attention towards myself. so yeah, the two teachers were like talking to each of the three ppl. trying to make conversations or asking them if they were ready or what they were going to do, as fas as get a job. i just sat there, felt so out of place and miserable. i was hoping to god, that they would switch the attention onto me. but of course it was bound to happen. one of the ladies said, now, ***, youll be great in the marketing area and i can see you doing that. i told her or one of them, that i thot i would enjoy merchandising, like stocking shelves, etc. so at first, when she brought the marketing up, i was like what, huh? but i just nodded and went along with it. and said, right, yeah, etc. i didnt know it was called marketing.. i dont even wanna do that really, and i cant see myself doing it.

then we have to fill out a questionaire that we all filled out individually on the first day of class. so being the last day, most ppl's scores would improve. HA! i knew mine wouldnt, bc i am always the oddball, the one that cant be fixed or helped, the defected one. it was kind of funny. two categories stayed the same, then the 3 other categories dropped a level. fun stuff. i dont care. that class was not for me. it was just something for ppl to get ready to go back to work. common sense stuff. i have been taught and exposed to all the stuff that was gone over. the only thing i learned was how you should always fill everything in on apps. and dont put 'see resume'. ha! i did that. but yeah thats all i learned or will improve in the furture..

but for some dumb reason the lady read thru EACH freaking question. and then would either ask ppl there score or say i would expect you all to have this answer.. but they wanted to know my answer on something.. i think it was about whether i accepted compliaments or constructive criticism from ppl. i told them, i chose, not at all.. which was the lowest score. and then she was like, well.. ok.. , then read the question again. then i said, i know what it means, and i would say thanks, but i dont accept it or believe it. damn, what a dumb answer. and before when she asked what my answer was, i was debating on whether to say the 'right' answer and bullshit, or be honest. blah.. so then, after i said that.. everyone just was staring at me. i could feel my face burning. and then the other lady was like, oh no, well i am sorry to hear that jill. like got all whiny and sympathetic, like she actually cared. then i was afraid they were gonna talk to be afterwards.. but thanks god, i guess, they didnt.

im sure i come off as being stuck up and a bitch. i dont mean to. im just.. not happy i guess. or something. like one of the women in the class came outside. i went outside and stood against the building, just to get some free air and star off into space. then she came out and we both met eyes. and then she said hi.. i was like ..hi.. and i dont think it came out very nice.. i dont know.. then she lit up and i eventually went back in.

so a bvr counselor sent me a letter. i have sent her two emails in the past month and a half. never got a reponse. or call. just this stupid letter. so it said i am supposed to call her about some vocational testing someone mentioned i should do. i dont wanna do it. i have done so many of those stupid things. some were done in the class i took, above. so what i think im gonna do. is call the place after hours and leave a msg for her. just saying, i think i need more, and vocational testing is not gonna help, its a waste of the person's time and money. then i think i will suggest something that catered to depressed individuals. like i would think there would be employment training for ppl who have severly depressed.. but i dont know. so thats my plan..

im going to also email the girl who i contacted about the trial study and possibly the psychiatrist who i met fri. i am going to be matter-of-a fact about it and kind of bitchy..and negative. i dont care. you would like since i have been on over 10 meds for depression, and not have any success with them, that i would be a good candidate. but i guess not. i wanna know more, why i am not qualified. so another thing in life i am not qualified for.

i feel like shit. i was speeding all the way home. going thru things in my head. i didnt cry, but yeah.. going thru random scenarios of things. like a cop trying to pull me over bc i was speeding. whether or not i would stop, crash into something on purpose, or just go even faster and drive from the cops. or other ways to self destruct. also thinking about buying some cigarettes that dont taste too gross. just to be self destructive. but most of those i cant do.. got this stupid wedding coming up and i would fuck things up for every1. either way, having the wedding
coming up or not, it wouldnt matter, nothings gonna help..

i gotta poop, bye.. (heh, i dont care if thats tmi)...