Posted 10:07pm

8:35pm
Monday, April 23, 2007

So I don't think I have written in awhile.
I don't think anything has been going on. I went to that stupid class today. Nothing happened there. I seemed to be in a better mood and spoke up a few times. So I guess that's good. I have to finish my mental health assessment at the local mental health center tomorrow. I don't really care. I guess I have been doing okay, as far as not seeing a therapist. So I guess that's good. I had really bad PMS like late last week. And when I am home alone all day and I don't have any contact with my parents, and then they come home. That like really sets me off. I think I should have mini vacations. Because I am like here 24/7. I know it's my choice, but I really don't have anywhere to go. I think my parents should understand how I feel. But, heh, I haven't even really expressed my feelings about that to them. So how are they supposed to know?!

I'm fat. And I can't seem to motivate myself to loose weight or exercise. I tried on my bridemaid's dress. Heh, still doesn't fit. So much for loosing weight by the wedding. I think I have gained weight since I have last tried the dress on. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's all on me and I can't seem to do it. I wish I was in high school again, or at least in that mindframe. That's when I was anorexic. I am just now thinking..Maybe I have nothing to be motivated on. Like in high school I was always around girls my age and I think that had a little to do with my weight and not eating. I am not blaming it on anyone. I can take a class or be around other ppl my age. But I just don't do it. No idea why. So, I understand it is all on me.

I am reading the current issue of Glamour. They have something about making a virtual model online. Heh, I did that. Oh! It's where you can try on swimsuits. I don't plan on wearing a swimsuit or going swimming, but sometimes it is fun to look at suits. The pool is not going to be opened and plus I have cuts on my thigh, so I that's why I won't be in a suit. But yeah, I did the virtual model. Man, I personalized it to 'me', and it looked hideous. But, it was pretty much true. So yeah, I don't think even seeing that, will motivate me. Blah.. I keep telling my parents to lock the cupboards and refridgerator. They laugh. Then I said, well why don't I take out your foods that you eat..Food that I don't like. And then I will tape or nail the cupboard door shut, and same with the fridge. But they didn't obligate to that either. I am being serious, but I think they think I am joking. They probly think if I can't do it with my own willpower, then I need serious help. Who knows!

I need a freaking job. I honestly cannot believe that I am still in this position. I seem to be going no where with everything! I keep running into people who I used to work with. I hate running into old pals or parents of high school friends. Because one of the first questions is, So what are you up to these days? Or something like that. And I usually say, Oh I am just looking for jobs. Or depending on who it is, I will say, Oh yeah, 3rd shift didn't work out too well, so now I am looking for jobs. God, it's pathetic. Some woman, in my work readiness class today, said she was going to go to Steak and Shake and Panera to apply. For one thing, those places don't exist around here. And another thing, I could never do that. I tried working at MacDonald's, up front at the cash registers. I did that for 2 or 3 days,, and quit. Way too fast paced and complicated for me. And I keep taking these tests in that class, and I seem to not get anywhere. What I want, in a job, doesn't exist. I want something thats FT/PT with benefits. Something that's kind of in the backgroun, I don't work well around the public or with people in general. Something that's consistent. Something I can do physically. I like organizing things, I could probably file as well. I like sorting things. I like animals. I don't know what else... But I knew that these tests weren't going to give me much. It always happens like this. I took a career course my freshman year at wright state, jsut out of high school. And I got the results I knew I would get. Something in the food industry, like cooking, and something having to do with animals. So whatever.

I'm hot and I can't get comfortable. I was sitting outside on the patio reading my magazine. But then it got dark and I had to come in. My dad is down in the basement watching tv. That's usually where we all watch tv at night. But he had some sort of surgery on his arm. So my mom plopped him down there when he got home. He is sleeping down there too. And he snores, so I can't veg out down there. My rooms down there, but I don't wanna veg in there, cus I will be doing that close to bedtime, or when everyone else goes to bed. I hope he doesnt sleep down there. I like having that space to myself. My mom said I might have to get up and take care of him.. Oh boy what fun. I just don't want him snoring and barfing down there. But it's not like I have anything else to do..

My fingers hurt, this is it..