Not good enough, not sick enough

sitting here with snot running out of my nose.. sorry tmi... my face is really bugging me.. its like its super dry and super sensitive.. maybe cus ive been crying so much, but probly not, cus its been like this for a few days, and today i have just started crying a lot.

so i have just found out that i am the reason, partially, i guess. that someone wants to kill themself.. i dont know if shell do it.. but yeah.. great feeling.. i dont even know why i asked if i was the reason .. or if i had anything to do with her thinking of killing herself.. maybe to just validate that i am a horrible person and its fucking miserable being me and i am truely helpless, hopeless and a waste, etc.

i feel like balling, just flat out wailing and crying.. but i cant cus my parents would hear me.. i feel awful.. and nothing is going to make it any better. nothing. im not sick enough or i dont have any other psychotic symptoms, so im just fucked.

i watched intervention as usual. i always cry when i watch that show.. get teary eyed, etc.. but the girl on there was bumming housing off a guy friend, that she didnt like. getting high on herion, and not working.. i was thinking i dont what would be worse.. doing that or being me.. i dont know..

i watched 20/20.. that was painful. juse kids being so young and have gender identity disorder.. it was sad. i felt so bad for them.. like not sorry for them.. but i dont know. they are the few children that have loving and supportive parents, i was glad to see that..
im thinking about taking pills.. but its so damn close to my sisters wedding, and i fuck things up, again.. so thats stopping me..

im not sick enough to get anymore help.. youd think i would be fucking eligible to participate in a fucking study for major depressive disorder after being on so many meds, only bc they werent helping.. fuck them.. im tempted to send them a rude ass email. i will say i am not interested anymore, and that i was definately on the meds for logner than 6 weeks, bc i was told i needed to give them a try.. and they wouldnt take their full affect. and i will say that i am sorry they wasted their time.. not that i really am.. but maybe they will get the jist that i am fucking depressed. but probly not..

whatever