I fucked up, ... again!
god i hate this.
so start from the beginning.
i am trying to get all the bridesmaid and my sister, the bride, together for a stupid bachlorette party. i really dont want anything to do with it.. even b4 i messed things up.. but i was doing my best to 'pretend' to get things together and have fun. so yeah, my sister FINALLY sent me an email about her ideas. one bridesmaid sent me an email to me and another bridemaid. about getting things together for the b-party. SO i thot id fwd my sister's email to both of them and let them know what my sister thot. i was kind of cautious about doing that, cus i didnt ask my sister. but there was nothing in it bad. and it was to help everyone cater to HER party for HER, i thot it would help. so basically i talked to my sister on the phone. i had this huge list of questions to ask to finalize things and make reservations for the restaurant. and i told her how i had been talking to the two bridesmaids thru email. and she asked what ever1 was saying. and i said i had fwd the email she sent me and then said i few ideas every1 had. then her tone of voice changed, and was like... oh.. i wished u wouldnt have done that.. i hate when ppl do that..then i knew i fucked up and my voice cracked and i started to cry.. i wanted to hang up. but i just said i have to go then, and ill do this later.. god. i always seem to fuck things up..
so i cried in the bathroom, tempted to stay in there the rest of the nite. but i cant let my parents know that im struggling. they dont need that right now.. i am tempted to let them know, but i cant. not now.. so i sucked it up and came out here to the computer.. and then...my dad knocks on the door with flowers in his hand... i feel terrible.
*god it is so hard for me to bullshit. my dad just bought me some flowers for my birthday.. why cant i be appreciative.. who knows.. i am, but im just not happy. god im gonna cry, again.. * blah...
OH, and i *think* my mom saw my new cuts.. its likein the 80s so i put shorts on. i never wear shorts, but the cuts are quite visible. but i am not sure actually saw them.. i dont know whatever.. it doesnt matter. cus she never gets concerned or whatever..
Monday, April 30, 2007
Pretending
people are coming over tonite to celebrate my birthday.. its really not until tomorrow, but my dad works late, so we have to do it tonite.. im kind of pissed. bc i will have to pretend or act my way thru it. and that makes me feel worse. i wish i could just let things go for a little bit and enjoy myself. i will try to. but i wont make any promises.
had my stupid class today. thank god it was the last class. they brought pizza in. i wasnt even hungry, but ate some. i shouldnt have tho. but i kind of felt bad. i wasnt even able to thank them.. i swear, if i was about to die or thot i was gonna pass out, i would not speak up.. im fucked up.
i felt really out of place in there today. i feel like that all the time, but today was worse. it was me and three others. i wanted to get up and leave so bad. but i didnt wanna draw attention towards myself. so yeah, the two teachers were like talking to each of the three ppl. trying to make conversations or asking them if they were ready or what they were going to do, as fas as get a job. i just sat there, felt so out of place and miserable. i was hoping to god, that they would switch the attention onto me. but of course it was bound to happen. one of the ladies said, now, ***, youll be great in the marketing area and i can see you doing that. i told her or one of them, that i thot i would enjoy merchandising, like stocking shelves, etc. so at first, when she brought the marketing up, i was like what, huh? but i just nodded and went along with it. and said, right, yeah, etc. i didnt know it was called marketing.. i dont even wanna do that really, and i cant see myself doing it.
then we have to fill out a questionaire that we all filled out individually on the first day of class. so being the last day, most ppl's scores would improve. HA! i knew mine wouldnt, bc i am always the oddball, the one that cant be fixed or helped, the defected one. it was kind of funny. two categories stayed the same, then the 3 other categories dropped a level. fun stuff. i dont care. that class was not for me. it was just something for ppl to get ready to go back to work. common sense stuff. i have been taught and exposed to all the stuff that was gone over. the only thing i learned was how you should always fill everything in on apps. and dont put 'see resume'. ha! i did that. but yeah thats all i learned or will improve in the furture..
but for some dumb reason the lady read thru EACH freaking question. and then would either ask ppl there score or say i would expect you all to have this answer.. but they wanted to know my answer on something.. i think it was about whether i accepted compliaments or constructive criticism from ppl. i told them, i chose, not at all.. which was the lowest score. and then she was like, well.. ok.. , then read the question again. then i said, i know what it means, and i would say thanks, but i dont accept it or believe it. damn, what a dumb answer. and before when she asked what my answer was, i was debating on whether to say the 'right' answer and bullshit, or be honest. blah.. so then, after i said that.. everyone just was staring at me. i could feel my face burning. and then the other lady was like, oh no, well i am sorry to hear that jill. like got all whiny and sympathetic, like she actually cared. then i was afraid they were gonna talk to be afterwards.. but thanks god, i guess, they didnt.
im sure i come off as being stuck up and a bitch. i dont mean to. im just.. not happy i guess. or something. like one of the women in the class came outside. i went outside and stood against the building, just to get some free air and star off into space. then she came out and we both met eyes. and then she said hi.. i was like ..hi.. and i dont think it came out very nice.. i dont know.. then she lit up and i eventually went back in.
so a bvr counselor sent me a letter. i have sent her two emails in the past month and a half. never got a reponse. or call. just this stupid letter. so it said i am supposed to call her about some vocational testing someone mentioned i should do. i dont wanna do it. i have done so many of those stupid things. some were done in the class i took, above. so what i think im gonna do. is call the place after hours and leave a msg for her. just saying, i think i need more, and vocational testing is not gonna help, its a waste of the person's time and money. then i think i will suggest something that catered to depressed individuals. like i would think there would be employment training for ppl who have severly depressed.. but i dont know. so thats my plan..
im going to also email the girl who i contacted about the trial study and possibly the psychiatrist who i met fri. i am going to be matter-of-a fact about it and kind of bitchy..and negative. i dont care. you would like since i have been on over 10 meds for depression, and not have any success with them, that i would be a good candidate. but i guess not. i wanna know more, why i am not qualified. so another thing in life i am not qualified for.
i feel like shit. i was speeding all the way home. going thru things in my head. i didnt cry, but yeah.. going thru random scenarios of things. like a cop trying to pull me over bc i was speeding. whether or not i would stop, crash into something on purpose, or just go even faster and drive from the cops. or other ways to self destruct. also thinking about buying some cigarettes that dont taste too gross. just to be self destructive. but most of those i cant do.. got this stupid wedding coming up and i would fuck things up for every1. either way, having the wedding
coming up or not, it wouldnt matter, nothings gonna help..
i gotta poop, bye.. (heh, i dont care if thats tmi)...
had my stupid class today. thank god it was the last class. they brought pizza in. i wasnt even hungry, but ate some. i shouldnt have tho. but i kind of felt bad. i wasnt even able to thank them.. i swear, if i was about to die or thot i was gonna pass out, i would not speak up.. im fucked up.
i felt really out of place in there today. i feel like that all the time, but today was worse. it was me and three others. i wanted to get up and leave so bad. but i didnt wanna draw attention towards myself. so yeah, the two teachers were like talking to each of the three ppl. trying to make conversations or asking them if they were ready or what they were going to do, as fas as get a job. i just sat there, felt so out of place and miserable. i was hoping to god, that they would switch the attention onto me. but of course it was bound to happen. one of the ladies said, now, ***, youll be great in the marketing area and i can see you doing that. i told her or one of them, that i thot i would enjoy merchandising, like stocking shelves, etc. so at first, when she brought the marketing up, i was like what, huh? but i just nodded and went along with it. and said, right, yeah, etc. i didnt know it was called marketing.. i dont even wanna do that really, and i cant see myself doing it.
then we have to fill out a questionaire that we all filled out individually on the first day of class. so being the last day, most ppl's scores would improve. HA! i knew mine wouldnt, bc i am always the oddball, the one that cant be fixed or helped, the defected one. it was kind of funny. two categories stayed the same, then the 3 other categories dropped a level. fun stuff. i dont care. that class was not for me. it was just something for ppl to get ready to go back to work. common sense stuff. i have been taught and exposed to all the stuff that was gone over. the only thing i learned was how you should always fill everything in on apps. and dont put 'see resume'. ha! i did that. but yeah thats all i learned or will improve in the furture..
but for some dumb reason the lady read thru EACH freaking question. and then would either ask ppl there score or say i would expect you all to have this answer.. but they wanted to know my answer on something.. i think it was about whether i accepted compliaments or constructive criticism from ppl. i told them, i chose, not at all.. which was the lowest score. and then she was like, well.. ok.. , then read the question again. then i said, i know what it means, and i would say thanks, but i dont accept it or believe it. damn, what a dumb answer. and before when she asked what my answer was, i was debating on whether to say the 'right' answer and bullshit, or be honest. blah.. so then, after i said that.. everyone just was staring at me. i could feel my face burning. and then the other lady was like, oh no, well i am sorry to hear that jill. like got all whiny and sympathetic, like she actually cared. then i was afraid they were gonna talk to be afterwards.. but thanks god, i guess, they didnt.
im sure i come off as being stuck up and a bitch. i dont mean to. im just.. not happy i guess. or something. like one of the women in the class came outside. i went outside and stood against the building, just to get some free air and star off into space. then she came out and we both met eyes. and then she said hi.. i was like ..hi.. and i dont think it came out very nice.. i dont know.. then she lit up and i eventually went back in.
so a bvr counselor sent me a letter. i have sent her two emails in the past month and a half. never got a reponse. or call. just this stupid letter. so it said i am supposed to call her about some vocational testing someone mentioned i should do. i dont wanna do it. i have done so many of those stupid things. some were done in the class i took, above. so what i think im gonna do. is call the place after hours and leave a msg for her. just saying, i think i need more, and vocational testing is not gonna help, its a waste of the person's time and money. then i think i will suggest something that catered to depressed individuals. like i would think there would be employment training for ppl who have severly depressed.. but i dont know. so thats my plan..
im going to also email the girl who i contacted about the trial study and possibly the psychiatrist who i met fri. i am going to be matter-of-a fact about it and kind of bitchy..and negative. i dont care. you would like since i have been on over 10 meds for depression, and not have any success with them, that i would be a good candidate. but i guess not. i wanna know more, why i am not qualified. so another thing in life i am not qualified for.
i feel like shit. i was speeding all the way home. going thru things in my head. i didnt cry, but yeah.. going thru random scenarios of things. like a cop trying to pull me over bc i was speeding. whether or not i would stop, crash into something on purpose, or just go even faster and drive from the cops. or other ways to self destruct. also thinking about buying some cigarettes that dont taste too gross. just to be self destructive. but most of those i cant do.. got this stupid wedding coming up and i would fuck things up for every1. either way, having the wedding
coming up or not, it wouldnt matter, nothings gonna help..
i gotta poop, bye.. (heh, i dont care if thats tmi)...
Stupid little kid..
i have a really bad headache.. but i wanted to write this before it got even worse.. yeah that mad a lot of sense.. basically my headache gets worse when i try to think hard.. blah whatever..
i now hate little kids. i have always hated them. but today has really assured me of how much i dont like them. they are so unpredictable. RAWR!!
basically. i was pulling into dollar general.. i was driving, my mom was in the passenger seat. all of a sudden this little THING darts out in front me.. i dont know how old he was.. probly as tall as my bumper, like front of my car. so pretty fucking small. and there were like cars parked in front of the store.. cant explain it very well. = = okay, so the = sign is cars parked, the is me driving down the parking lot, and then cars on the other side.. blah i dont know.. so yeah.. you couldnt see the kid til he was like right in front of my car.. i was so pissed. my heart beat so fast. my mom freaked out. if my mom wasnt in the car, i think i would have ran the kid over. i really didnt see him. the kid was like running to a car with his mom in it. or whoever.. and then after the kid darted out. there was a guy/dad coming out from the store.. but im a pretty damn sure the parents didnt know what happened. i started freaking out cus i thot the parents were gonna yell at me and come beat me up.. cus they looked sleezy and gross. but i am convinced they didnt know what happened! we sat in the car till they left.
thing is, i am not very alert when im driving. and that incident makes me even more afraid to drive. who knows what would have happened if my mom wasnt in the car. i am never really fully THERE when im driving. so its worries me. it worried me before, but this was like an almost real accident. i dont know.. so yeah.. i kind of forgot about this, as traumatic as it was. i think i just forgot cus i forget things a lot lately.. i dont know.
my head hurts.. i should probly turn another light on.. i dont know..
i now hate little kids. i have always hated them. but today has really assured me of how much i dont like them. they are so unpredictable. RAWR!!
basically. i was pulling into dollar general.. i was driving, my mom was in the passenger seat. all of a sudden this little THING darts out in front me.. i dont know how old he was.. probly as tall as my bumper, like front of my car. so pretty fucking small. and there were like cars parked in front of the store.. cant explain it very well. = = okay, so the = sign is cars parked, the is me driving down the parking lot, and then cars on the other side.. blah i dont know.. so yeah.. you couldnt see the kid til he was like right in front of my car.. i was so pissed. my heart beat so fast. my mom freaked out. if my mom wasnt in the car, i think i would have ran the kid over. i really didnt see him. the kid was like running to a car with his mom in it. or whoever.. and then after the kid darted out. there was a guy/dad coming out from the store.. but im a pretty damn sure the parents didnt know what happened. i started freaking out cus i thot the parents were gonna yell at me and come beat me up.. cus they looked sleezy and gross. but i am convinced they didnt know what happened! we sat in the car till they left.
thing is, i am not very alert when im driving. and that incident makes me even more afraid to drive. who knows what would have happened if my mom wasnt in the car. i am never really fully THERE when im driving. so its worries me. it worried me before, but this was like an almost real accident. i dont know.. so yeah.. i kind of forgot about this, as traumatic as it was. i think i just forgot cus i forget things a lot lately.. i dont know.
my head hurts.. i should probly turn another light on.. i dont know..
Saturday, April 28, 2007
No Title
so i got up around 12:30pm today.. not sure when i ended up going to bed.. cus i was laying there thinking and worrying, etc. and i started pulling my hair lieing in bed.. great times...
these days i am so asleep... like its so hard for me to wake up and when i do i am like almost out of it.. i dont know how to explain it.. just really tired or really really sleeping.. i dont know. i sleep hard, i guess.. these past few weeks.. i dont know..
so my parents went down to cincy for a shower for my sisters wedding. i was invited, but didnt go. i think it was supposed to be a couples shower, but i dont think it was.. im glad i didnt go tho. i dont socialize well.. but yeah they left around 2:30.. i watched ice age. that was ok.. kind of felt obligated to watch it, cus i have always wanted to see it.. but i kind of made myself watch it.. so i could say that i have seen it.. yeah stupid, i know..mmm then i think i went outside to fill up the bird bath, and the two bird feeders.. i thot one of my wildflowers had come up.. but it was a fucking dandelion.. kind of felt stupid for thinking it was a wildflower.. i had my camera so i take pictures. but yeah it wasnt what i thot it was.. then i probly played with my dog and made some maccaroni and cheese.. then i went over to have supper with my grandparents.. thats was nice.. their cat fucking stabbed me with her claws.. i have like three sets of gashes on me.. but it was my fault.. and it was stupid of me.. but yeah im allergic to cat, so the marks were puffed up and irritated.. came home watched another movie in the dark room.. kind of depressing.. but yeah, watched boys dont cry.. my mom warned me it ended sad.. i wont say much about the ending.. sad movie.. and way too much graphic sex.. it was gross. then my parents came home around 10, irriated the fuck out of me.. and here i am now..
i dont know.
these days i am so asleep... like its so hard for me to wake up and when i do i am like almost out of it.. i dont know how to explain it.. just really tired or really really sleeping.. i dont know. i sleep hard, i guess.. these past few weeks.. i dont know..
so my parents went down to cincy for a shower for my sisters wedding. i was invited, but didnt go. i think it was supposed to be a couples shower, but i dont think it was.. im glad i didnt go tho. i dont socialize well.. but yeah they left around 2:30.. i watched ice age. that was ok.. kind of felt obligated to watch it, cus i have always wanted to see it.. but i kind of made myself watch it.. so i could say that i have seen it.. yeah stupid, i know..mmm then i think i went outside to fill up the bird bath, and the two bird feeders.. i thot one of my wildflowers had come up.. but it was a fucking dandelion.. kind of felt stupid for thinking it was a wildflower.. i had my camera so i take pictures. but yeah it wasnt what i thot it was.. then i probly played with my dog and made some maccaroni and cheese.. then i went over to have supper with my grandparents.. thats was nice.. their cat fucking stabbed me with her claws.. i have like three sets of gashes on me.. but it was my fault.. and it was stupid of me.. but yeah im allergic to cat, so the marks were puffed up and irritated.. came home watched another movie in the dark room.. kind of depressing.. but yeah, watched boys dont cry.. my mom warned me it ended sad.. i wont say much about the ending.. sad movie.. and way too much graphic sex.. it was gross. then my parents came home around 10, irriated the fuck out of me.. and here i am now..
i dont know.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Not good enough, not sick enough
sitting here with snot running out of my nose.. sorry tmi... my face is really bugging me.. its like its super dry and super sensitive.. maybe cus ive been crying so much, but probly not, cus its been like this for a few days, and today i have just started crying a lot.
so i have just found out that i am the reason, partially, i guess. that someone wants to kill themself.. i dont know if shell do it.. but yeah.. great feeling.. i dont even know why i asked if i was the reason .. or if i had anything to do with her thinking of killing herself.. maybe to just validate that i am a horrible person and its fucking miserable being me and i am truely helpless, hopeless and a waste, etc.
i feel like balling, just flat out wailing and crying.. but i cant cus my parents would hear me.. i feel awful.. and nothing is going to make it any better. nothing. im not sick enough or i dont have any other psychotic symptoms, so im just fucked.
i watched intervention as usual. i always cry when i watch that show.. get teary eyed, etc.. but the girl on there was bumming housing off a guy friend, that she didnt like. getting high on herion, and not working.. i was thinking i dont what would be worse.. doing that or being me.. i dont know..
i watched 20/20.. that was painful. juse kids being so young and have gender identity disorder.. it was sad. i felt so bad for them.. like not sorry for them.. but i dont know. they are the few children that have loving and supportive parents, i was glad to see that..
im thinking about taking pills.. but its so damn close to my sisters wedding, and i fuck things up, again.. so thats stopping me..
im not sick enough to get anymore help.. youd think i would be fucking eligible to participate in a fucking study for major depressive disorder after being on so many meds, only bc they werent helping.. fuck them.. im tempted to send them a rude ass email. i will say i am not interested anymore, and that i was definately on the meds for logner than 6 weeks, bc i was told i needed to give them a try.. and they wouldnt take their full affect. and i will say that i am sorry they wasted their time.. not that i really am.. but maybe they will get the jist that i am fucking depressed. but probly not..
whatever
so i have just found out that i am the reason, partially, i guess. that someone wants to kill themself.. i dont know if shell do it.. but yeah.. great feeling.. i dont even know why i asked if i was the reason .. or if i had anything to do with her thinking of killing herself.. maybe to just validate that i am a horrible person and its fucking miserable being me and i am truely helpless, hopeless and a waste, etc.
i feel like balling, just flat out wailing and crying.. but i cant cus my parents would hear me.. i feel awful.. and nothing is going to make it any better. nothing. im not sick enough or i dont have any other psychotic symptoms, so im just fucked.
i watched intervention as usual. i always cry when i watch that show.. get teary eyed, etc.. but the girl on there was bumming housing off a guy friend, that she didnt like. getting high on herion, and not working.. i was thinking i dont what would be worse.. doing that or being me.. i dont know..
i watched 20/20.. that was painful. juse kids being so young and have gender identity disorder.. it was sad. i felt so bad for them.. like not sorry for them.. but i dont know. they are the few children that have loving and supportive parents, i was glad to see that..
im thinking about taking pills.. but its so damn close to my sisters wedding, and i fuck things up, again.. so thats stopping me..
im not sick enough to get anymore help.. youd think i would be fucking eligible to participate in a fucking study for major depressive disorder after being on so many meds, only bc they werent helping.. fuck them.. im tempted to send them a rude ass email. i will say i am not interested anymore, and that i was definately on the meds for logner than 6 weeks, bc i was told i needed to give them a try.. and they wouldnt take their full affect. and i will say that i am sorry they wasted their time.. not that i really am.. but maybe they will get the jist that i am fucking depressed. but probly not..
whatever
Reject
Uhm, so I went to that trial study. The drive wasnt very bad. Pretty easy directions. Straightforward, whatever. And I managed somehow to get back on 71, just fine. I just used common sense and follow the signs.. I have forgotten to ask for directions, but I think it would have confused me.
So I arrived super early. I checked in around 10:30. The appt was at 11. Turned out the woman who was heading the study was probly someone my age or a couple of year older. But that didn't make anything worse.. Uhm, so I had to read an 11 page packet telling about the study. And sign a privacy thing. I think it took me a while to read the whole packet, cus she kept on checking on me and I felt like I was reading it slow. Then she asked if it would be ok if a student research assistant would sit in, I said it was ok. Both just went over questions, screening questions. And then I filled out a questionaire or two. I had to pee really bad, but didnt speak up. Even though before we started the head girl said that this was the lengthy part of the visit and to speak up when we I needed a break.. So yeah I am not really assertive.. But yeah, so I when I spoke up, the RA said she had to go to. Not sure why I am saying this.. but the woman leading the study said I should just go ahead and pee in the cup.. for some pregnancy test.. I hate peeing in cups! OKAY... so then after all the questions and screening. The psychiatrist came in.. I admit, my answer are vague and I don't remember exact time frames.. But basically I had given everyone all the medications I had been on, regardless of how long. So its like a list of 13 drugs. Perhaps, more. I didn't know whether they had helped, what the dosages were, and how long I had been on them.. So, the guy said something like I would not be eligible for the study or any of them. As soon as I knew what was going on, I started to cry in side and felt tears in my eyes.. I have no idea if any of them noticed.. But unless I got all my medication records and any of the meds I tried was for less than 6 weeks, then I wouldnt be able to do the study.. This is AFTER I had sat in this small cramped hot room for a couple of hours. It's basically impossible for me to get all those records. It was like over 7 years ago. He suggested going to the pharmacy and getting the records. I am not going to bother.. Because I don't think I have been on a drug for less than 6 weeks, because I have been told to try something for at least a month or so. Cus the drugs may take a while before they kick in.. so whatever.. I left and started crying in my car.. I called my mom, cus she wanted me to call before I came home.. I told her I would be eligible, but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.. And I dont think realized I had been crying or was devastated.. So, hopeless, again.. I think I have come to realize that I am going to be fucking depressed and fucked up for the rest of my life.. I was rejected. I am not sick enough. I just have full blown major depression.. no bipolar, no manic, no extreme highs and lows, just lows.. flat lined all the fucking time.. no psychosis, no schizo.. just depression. whatever... no social anxiety.. its stupid.. enough of this..
so my bday is coming up.. i keep thinking to myself that i might forget it.. and i keep thinking thats really bad to forget your own bday.. but we will see.. but yeah, my mom asked if it would be ok to have ppl over monday night, instead of the 1st, my bday.. i was like well im supposed to have pizza at this work readiness class on monday.. and i will obviously be having cake later that nite for my bday.. but whatever.. i guess my dad works late tues nite.. so we cant do anything that nite.. the only ppl coming over are my grandparents, and then i heard my aunt and uncle will be coming.. i definately dont want my uncle.. too many bad memories, and i think he knows i dont like him.. whatever.. and im not sure why my aunt wants to come.. probly to just relay everything to her hot shot and well off and smart daughters (my cousins)... whatever..
my fingers hurt..
So I arrived super early. I checked in around 10:30. The appt was at 11. Turned out the woman who was heading the study was probly someone my age or a couple of year older. But that didn't make anything worse.. Uhm, so I had to read an 11 page packet telling about the study. And sign a privacy thing. I think it took me a while to read the whole packet, cus she kept on checking on me and I felt like I was reading it slow. Then she asked if it would be ok if a student research assistant would sit in, I said it was ok. Both just went over questions, screening questions. And then I filled out a questionaire or two. I had to pee really bad, but didnt speak up. Even though before we started the head girl said that this was the lengthy part of the visit and to speak up when we I needed a break.. So yeah I am not really assertive.. But yeah, so I when I spoke up, the RA said she had to go to. Not sure why I am saying this.. but the woman leading the study said I should just go ahead and pee in the cup.. for some pregnancy test.. I hate peeing in cups! OKAY... so then after all the questions and screening. The psychiatrist came in.. I admit, my answer are vague and I don't remember exact time frames.. But basically I had given everyone all the medications I had been on, regardless of how long. So its like a list of 13 drugs. Perhaps, more. I didn't know whether they had helped, what the dosages were, and how long I had been on them.. So, the guy said something like I would not be eligible for the study or any of them. As soon as I knew what was going on, I started to cry in side and felt tears in my eyes.. I have no idea if any of them noticed.. But unless I got all my medication records and any of the meds I tried was for less than 6 weeks, then I wouldnt be able to do the study.. This is AFTER I had sat in this small cramped hot room for a couple of hours. It's basically impossible for me to get all those records. It was like over 7 years ago. He suggested going to the pharmacy and getting the records. I am not going to bother.. Because I don't think I have been on a drug for less than 6 weeks, because I have been told to try something for at least a month or so. Cus the drugs may take a while before they kick in.. so whatever.. I left and started crying in my car.. I called my mom, cus she wanted me to call before I came home.. I told her I would be eligible, but she didn't seem to think it was a big deal.. And I dont think realized I had been crying or was devastated.. So, hopeless, again.. I think I have come to realize that I am going to be fucking depressed and fucked up for the rest of my life.. I was rejected. I am not sick enough. I just have full blown major depression.. no bipolar, no manic, no extreme highs and lows, just lows.. flat lined all the fucking time.. no psychosis, no schizo.. just depression. whatever... no social anxiety.. its stupid.. enough of this..
so my bday is coming up.. i keep thinking to myself that i might forget it.. and i keep thinking thats really bad to forget your own bday.. but we will see.. but yeah, my mom asked if it would be ok to have ppl over monday night, instead of the 1st, my bday.. i was like well im supposed to have pizza at this work readiness class on monday.. and i will obviously be having cake later that nite for my bday.. but whatever.. i guess my dad works late tues nite.. so we cant do anything that nite.. the only ppl coming over are my grandparents, and then i heard my aunt and uncle will be coming.. i definately dont want my uncle.. too many bad memories, and i think he knows i dont like him.. whatever.. and im not sure why my aunt wants to come.. probly to just relay everything to her hot shot and well off and smart daughters (my cousins)... whatever..
my fingers hurt..
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Trial Study
so i drive down to cincy tomorrow morning. im not too worried about it. cept some ass hole at uc threaten that he would do something worse than the vt shootings. so i am a little worried about that.. but i dont think the drive will be too bad.. i am leaving extra early. leave around 9.15 and then the appt is at 11. *shrugs* i dont know. we will see how it goes. fyi, its a clinical trial study for major depressive disorder. i honestly have been noticing everything getting worse.. no idea why or what triggered it.. but oh well.
my mind is starting to race a lot or thoughts just come in my head and leave and back and forth. i am starting to lie awake at night thinking and worrying, again.. havent done that in awhile..
i skipped my work readiness class wednesday.. i dont know. didnt feel like going.. its stupid anyways.. i havent even returned the paperwork to the bvr counselor person, yet.. for some reason it doesnt click for me.. in order to speed things up i have to put some effort into it.. but yeah.. i dont seem to get a move on with things.
finished up my mental health assessment at the local mental health center. turns out i wont be eligible to see a psychiatrist in my town at the center, unless i stop seeing the psych in the next county,.. did that make sense? thats another thing. i ramble and cant make sense of things in voice or typing/writing.. but yeah.. so basically i will be able to see a psych and a therapist. but the psych appt wont be until like several months on down the road.. so i guess thats good. but the therapy is free. i cant see how much free therapy will benefit but oh well.. whatever
i have a bad habit of telling ppl, well more like emailing and IMing ppl, that i want to get together and do things with them. but then when the time comes to figure out what to do or actually commit to something, i freak out and bail.. its such a weakness. i am not sure its a commitment issue or something else.. i do have the commitment issue with other things. like i will buy stuff. and never really wear them. bc i am afraid i wont wear it or get good use out of it, and then waste my money or someone elses money.. stupid, i know.. but yeah..
i dont know. im a dumbass...
i dont know.. does anyone know how to add other bloggers or like subscribe to them...? i dont know. how to describe what i want.. damn.. thats not good.. most of the time i cant explain or describe pain or the reason why i at the drs office.. nevermind.. yeah, no one gonna just randomly find my site and comment. so whatever.
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i forgot to mention this. on tuesday when i was finishing up my mental health assessment. the woman asked if anyone has died recently or have i gone thru a period of grief or bereavement. i said, well i lost a dog.. i knew she meant humans or ppl close to me. i told her a little about chester. but it kind of think she wasnt taking it seriously or wanted to move on to the next question. but i think his death has affected my stability.. but oh well. i was kind of hurt, by the way she handled it. but oh well.
my mind is starting to race a lot or thoughts just come in my head and leave and back and forth. i am starting to lie awake at night thinking and worrying, again.. havent done that in awhile..
i skipped my work readiness class wednesday.. i dont know. didnt feel like going.. its stupid anyways.. i havent even returned the paperwork to the bvr counselor person, yet.. for some reason it doesnt click for me.. in order to speed things up i have to put some effort into it.. but yeah.. i dont seem to get a move on with things.
finished up my mental health assessment at the local mental health center. turns out i wont be eligible to see a psychiatrist in my town at the center, unless i stop seeing the psych in the next county,.. did that make sense? thats another thing. i ramble and cant make sense of things in voice or typing/writing.. but yeah.. so basically i will be able to see a psych and a therapist. but the psych appt wont be until like several months on down the road.. so i guess thats good. but the therapy is free. i cant see how much free therapy will benefit but oh well.. whatever
i have a bad habit of telling ppl, well more like emailing and IMing ppl, that i want to get together and do things with them. but then when the time comes to figure out what to do or actually commit to something, i freak out and bail.. its such a weakness. i am not sure its a commitment issue or something else.. i do have the commitment issue with other things. like i will buy stuff. and never really wear them. bc i am afraid i wont wear it or get good use out of it, and then waste my money or someone elses money.. stupid, i know.. but yeah..
i dont know. im a dumbass...
i dont know.. does anyone know how to add other bloggers or like subscribe to them...? i dont know. how to describe what i want.. damn.. thats not good.. most of the time i cant explain or describe pain or the reason why i at the drs office.. nevermind.. yeah, no one gonna just randomly find my site and comment. so whatever.
--------------
i forgot to mention this. on tuesday when i was finishing up my mental health assessment. the woman asked if anyone has died recently or have i gone thru a period of grief or bereavement. i said, well i lost a dog.. i knew she meant humans or ppl close to me. i told her a little about chester. but it kind of think she wasnt taking it seriously or wanted to move on to the next question. but i think his death has affected my stability.. but oh well. i was kind of hurt, by the way she handled it. but oh well.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Posted 10:07pm
8:35pm
Monday, April 23, 2007
So I don't think I have written in awhile.
I don't think anything has been going on. I went to that stupid class today. Nothing happened there. I seemed to be in a better mood and spoke up a few times. So I guess that's good. I have to finish my mental health assessment at the local mental health center tomorrow. I don't really care. I guess I have been doing okay, as far as not seeing a therapist. So I guess that's good. I had really bad PMS like late last week. And when I am home alone all day and I don't have any contact with my parents, and then they come home. That like really sets me off. I think I should have mini vacations. Because I am like here 24/7. I know it's my choice, but I really don't have anywhere to go. I think my parents should understand how I feel. But, heh, I haven't even really expressed my feelings about that to them. So how are they supposed to know?!
I'm fat. And I can't seem to motivate myself to loose weight or exercise. I tried on my bridemaid's dress. Heh, still doesn't fit. So much for loosing weight by the wedding. I think I have gained weight since I have last tried the dress on. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's all on me and I can't seem to do it. I wish I was in high school again, or at least in that mindframe. That's when I was anorexic. I am just now thinking..Maybe I have nothing to be motivated on. Like in high school I was always around girls my age and I think that had a little to do with my weight and not eating. I am not blaming it on anyone. I can take a class or be around other ppl my age. But I just don't do it. No idea why. So, I understand it is all on me.
I am reading the current issue of Glamour. They have something about making a virtual model online. Heh, I did that. Oh! It's where you can try on swimsuits. I don't plan on wearing a swimsuit or going swimming, but sometimes it is fun to look at suits. The pool is not going to be opened and plus I have cuts on my thigh, so I that's why I won't be in a suit. But yeah, I did the virtual model. Man, I personalized it to 'me', and it looked hideous. But, it was pretty much true. So yeah, I don't think even seeing that, will motivate me. Blah.. I keep telling my parents to lock the cupboards and refridgerator. They laugh. Then I said, well why don't I take out your foods that you eat..Food that I don't like. And then I will tape or nail the cupboard door shut, and same with the fridge. But they didn't obligate to that either. I am being serious, but I think they think I am joking. They probly think if I can't do it with my own willpower, then I need serious help. Who knows!
I need a freaking job. I honestly cannot believe that I am still in this position. I seem to be going no where with everything! I keep running into people who I used to work with. I hate running into old pals or parents of high school friends. Because one of the first questions is, So what are you up to these days? Or something like that. And I usually say, Oh I am just looking for jobs. Or depending on who it is, I will say, Oh yeah, 3rd shift didn't work out too well, so now I am looking for jobs. God, it's pathetic. Some woman, in my work readiness class today, said she was going to go to Steak and Shake and Panera to apply. For one thing, those places don't exist around here. And another thing, I could never do that. I tried working at MacDonald's, up front at the cash registers. I did that for 2 or 3 days,, and quit. Way too fast paced and complicated for me. And I keep taking these tests in that class, and I seem to not get anywhere. What I want, in a job, doesn't exist. I want something thats FT/PT with benefits. Something that's kind of in the backgroun, I don't work well around the public or with people in general. Something that's consistent. Something I can do physically. I like organizing things, I could probably file as well. I like sorting things. I like animals. I don't know what else... But I knew that these tests weren't going to give me much. It always happens like this. I took a career course my freshman year at wright state, jsut out of high school. And I got the results I knew I would get. Something in the food industry, like cooking, and something having to do with animals. So whatever.
I'm hot and I can't get comfortable. I was sitting outside on the patio reading my magazine. But then it got dark and I had to come in. My dad is down in the basement watching tv. That's usually where we all watch tv at night. But he had some sort of surgery on his arm. So my mom plopped him down there when he got home. He is sleeping down there too. And he snores, so I can't veg out down there. My rooms down there, but I don't wanna veg in there, cus I will be doing that close to bedtime, or when everyone else goes to bed. I hope he doesnt sleep down there. I like having that space to myself. My mom said I might have to get up and take care of him.. Oh boy what fun. I just don't want him snoring and barfing down there. But it's not like I have anything else to do..
My fingers hurt, this is it..
Monday, April 23, 2007
So I don't think I have written in awhile.
I don't think anything has been going on. I went to that stupid class today. Nothing happened there. I seemed to be in a better mood and spoke up a few times. So I guess that's good. I have to finish my mental health assessment at the local mental health center tomorrow. I don't really care. I guess I have been doing okay, as far as not seeing a therapist. So I guess that's good. I had really bad PMS like late last week. And when I am home alone all day and I don't have any contact with my parents, and then they come home. That like really sets me off. I think I should have mini vacations. Because I am like here 24/7. I know it's my choice, but I really don't have anywhere to go. I think my parents should understand how I feel. But, heh, I haven't even really expressed my feelings about that to them. So how are they supposed to know?!
I'm fat. And I can't seem to motivate myself to loose weight or exercise. I tried on my bridemaid's dress. Heh, still doesn't fit. So much for loosing weight by the wedding. I think I have gained weight since I have last tried the dress on. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's all on me and I can't seem to do it. I wish I was in high school again, or at least in that mindframe. That's when I was anorexic. I am just now thinking..Maybe I have nothing to be motivated on. Like in high school I was always around girls my age and I think that had a little to do with my weight and not eating. I am not blaming it on anyone. I can take a class or be around other ppl my age. But I just don't do it. No idea why. So, I understand it is all on me.
I am reading the current issue of Glamour. They have something about making a virtual model online. Heh, I did that. Oh! It's where you can try on swimsuits. I don't plan on wearing a swimsuit or going swimming, but sometimes it is fun to look at suits. The pool is not going to be opened and plus I have cuts on my thigh, so I that's why I won't be in a suit. But yeah, I did the virtual model. Man, I personalized it to 'me', and it looked hideous. But, it was pretty much true. So yeah, I don't think even seeing that, will motivate me. Blah.. I keep telling my parents to lock the cupboards and refridgerator. They laugh. Then I said, well why don't I take out your foods that you eat..Food that I don't like. And then I will tape or nail the cupboard door shut, and same with the fridge. But they didn't obligate to that either. I am being serious, but I think they think I am joking. They probly think if I can't do it with my own willpower, then I need serious help. Who knows!
I need a freaking job. I honestly cannot believe that I am still in this position. I seem to be going no where with everything! I keep running into people who I used to work with. I hate running into old pals or parents of high school friends. Because one of the first questions is, So what are you up to these days? Or something like that. And I usually say, Oh I am just looking for jobs. Or depending on who it is, I will say, Oh yeah, 3rd shift didn't work out too well, so now I am looking for jobs. God, it's pathetic. Some woman, in my work readiness class today, said she was going to go to Steak and Shake and Panera to apply. For one thing, those places don't exist around here. And another thing, I could never do that. I tried working at MacDonald's, up front at the cash registers. I did that for 2 or 3 days,, and quit. Way too fast paced and complicated for me. And I keep taking these tests in that class, and I seem to not get anywhere. What I want, in a job, doesn't exist. I want something thats FT/PT with benefits. Something that's kind of in the backgroun, I don't work well around the public or with people in general. Something that's consistent. Something I can do physically. I like organizing things, I could probably file as well. I like sorting things. I like animals. I don't know what else... But I knew that these tests weren't going to give me much. It always happens like this. I took a career course my freshman year at wright state, jsut out of high school. And I got the results I knew I would get. Something in the food industry, like cooking, and something having to do with animals. So whatever.
I'm hot and I can't get comfortable. I was sitting outside on the patio reading my magazine. But then it got dark and I had to come in. My dad is down in the basement watching tv. That's usually where we all watch tv at night. But he had some sort of surgery on his arm. So my mom plopped him down there when he got home. He is sleeping down there too. And he snores, so I can't veg out down there. My rooms down there, but I don't wanna veg in there, cus I will be doing that close to bedtime, or when everyone else goes to bed. I hope he doesnt sleep down there. I like having that space to myself. My mom said I might have to get up and take care of him.. Oh boy what fun. I just don't want him snoring and barfing down there. But it's not like I have anything else to do..
My fingers hurt, this is it..
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