been busy....been dogsitting and staying at the house at nite.
my mom said a few things about my hair pulling. i didnt appreciate it. she said it is a serious thing, but she always thot i was doing it for her attention. like when i would pull my eye lashes. or she thought that i picked it up. read something or saw something online and just started doing it. no, wrong both times. i told her it started well before middle school. i told her an incident when someone noticed my lashes missing..in middle school..and she was like, oh i didnt realize that..and i think she said im sorry. who knows. it just pissed me off.
i think my lexapro or combination of abilify is helping the pulling.. havent felt the urge or havent pulled. so thats good.
i have a headache
i am really behind on my faves and stuff. so im sorry. thanks for the notes, tho.
got some books at the library. but im not low on concentration and focus to actually read them. oh well.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Proud
well im very proud of myself. i laid down around 1:16 and set my alarm for 2:30. my mom told me i should clear off my walls and shelves and put blue tape down. since i will be painting my walls this weekend. so after laying down. i thot i would just get up and do that. im glad i did it then, cus if i would have slept and then did it, i would want to lie back down again, but wouldnt have time. my back and shoulders got really tense when i was moving stuff around. that always happens. so since i did it now, i might be able to lay back down, i dont know. then i put some blue tape on the floor molding, i didnt do much, but did get a good start.
i had my last compeer painting lesson. but i decided to not go cus i was tired. but since i didnt lay down. who knows i may end up dropping by. it wouldnt hurt.
i got my hair cut today. new style and even felt daring and got some bangs. ill try to post photos.
and i will took pictures of my last two watercolor paintings. not good, but theyre ok. i will try to post those as well.
and i will took pictures of my last two watercolor paintings. not good, but theyre ok. i will try to post those as well.
i went to the library yesterday and got some books on depression. i read one of them last night.
it was kind of childish, with pictures, so thats why i was able to finish it in one sitting.
it was called. conquering the beat within: how i fought depression and won... and how you can, too by cait irwin. shes like young. but she illustrated it too. there was a chapter in it about symptoms. and i thot i would post the symptoms that related to me and other things too. she called her depression a beast/wolf-like creature. i dont really call my depression anything, but maybe i should..
here are some things i could relate to:
chapter two: symptoms of the beast---sadness, loniless, feeling like your trapped. frustration, stress. always feeling tired and weak. you don't have any drive or ambition, nothing matters; no matter how important it is. slurred or slow speech. headaches. memory loss. " the beast sometimes makes it impossible to fall asleep. "
chapter four: your battle begins now--" watching a good tv show usually helps, too. it was always calming for me to go to a movie because it is quite and peaceful. " I can actually see myself doing that. Plus there are a lot of movies that my parents don't wanna see, so I could just go in town and by myself. It's a small theater so I wouldnt feel overwhelmed. " You can escape and get you mind off your problems for awhile. " Find a hobby... I do need to find a hobby. Something besides photography..soemthing new. " it could be going to the zoo, or being out in nature. " I definately like these things! " Some ways that you can help yourself physically are... Less sugar intake....It's also good to get some vitamins, expecially if you have problems with eating ( I should look into this ). Eat foods with high protien. Exercise.."
chapter five: therapy, hospitalization, and healing--"We started to see a pattern within my depressive behavior. PMS symtpoms and depression symptoms are almost identicical. My hormone levels seemed to be making my depression twice as bad, once a month. That's the last thing you need to deal with!. talk to you therapist or psychiatrist about seeing a gyn. i know it's another dr to see, but it might really help. ( if i had insurance, i'd do this ) it helped me to start taking hormone pills. they didnt interfere with my antidepressants. "
new hair cut:
glasses
no glasses
heres a random before shot...kind of recent.
water colors:
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
QuickEDIT
gotta make this short.
but im frustrated..
went to a new therapist.. made the mistake of telling her everything. after all, thats when you get the most out of therapy if youre honest.
told her i have trichotillomania. she like laughed or was like whats that. i told her where i pull. and she was like oh gosh, (made these weird noises) doesnt that hurt?made me feel real good.
the most logical thing would be to go to a nother therapist. but when youre unemployed and cant get public assistance or insurance, you pretty much just have to go with the county mental health center..
i have more to write. but i cant write it all wright now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so my appt didnt go so well. ....
she seems very relaxed and laid back, but still i didnt get good vibes from her, just from what all went on. i try not to judge ppl on the outside, so i am basing my opinions on other things
so like i said above.. she kind of laughed at my hair pulling.
maybe its cus i dont know how to do therapy. she asked what my history was and what worked didnt work. i jsut said i was some meds and none really helped. and i was just in talk therapy... nothing specific.
she kept on asking my questions, which is fine. but then asked me if i had any questions for her. i dont know what im supposed to ask. and i was never in that situation. so i just kept saying no.
then she looked at my individual treatment plan and saw that the cae manager put i had low motivation. she like made all these loud sighs (plus the whole time too). and was pretty much like, i dont know what i can do about that... my interrpretation was there is no help. i cant remember what all she said. but she did say something like maybe i am just going to be like the way i am for the rest of my life. i almost cried. but kept it in. i wanted her to call my mom and tell her what we talked about, bc i knew i wouldnt remember .. but she said that wasnt necessary. so whatever. she wants me parents to come in to talk with her. about my history, how i was in the past and how i am now. so whatever. my mom will be out of town, so my dad will come. i mean obviously i have some motivation, since i showed up. but whatever. then she mentioned some psych testing. cept they dont pay for it. could be 80 bucks or more or less. i guess she wants me to get her done for her benefit. so we dont spend our sessions wasting time to get through to me or whatever. she said the next couple of appts will be just getting know to me. whatever.. its pretty hard...
so that appt was at 11. and by the time it was finished i was exhausted, felt like the afternoon. but i still had some more stuff to do...
before the appt i had to get my tb test read. attempt to drop off my application at laurel oaks. ended up mailing it. then went to the library to get some books on depression. i hope i can read them. since i cant conentrate very well.
then had the appt.
came home ate. my dad and i went to ace to get paint for my room.
came home and eventually took a nap from 3 to 6 about.
thats my day
tomorrow, i have a hair appt. and compeer's painting lessons thing.
but im frustrated..
went to a new therapist.. made the mistake of telling her everything. after all, thats when you get the most out of therapy if youre honest.
told her i have trichotillomania. she like laughed or was like whats that. i told her where i pull. and she was like oh gosh, (made these weird noises) doesnt that hurt?made me feel real good.
the most logical thing would be to go to a nother therapist. but when youre unemployed and cant get public assistance or insurance, you pretty much just have to go with the county mental health center..
i have more to write. but i cant write it all wright now.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
so my appt didnt go so well. ....
she seems very relaxed and laid back, but still i didnt get good vibes from her, just from what all went on. i try not to judge ppl on the outside, so i am basing my opinions on other things
so like i said above.. she kind of laughed at my hair pulling.
maybe its cus i dont know how to do therapy. she asked what my history was and what worked didnt work. i jsut said i was some meds and none really helped. and i was just in talk therapy... nothing specific.
she kept on asking my questions, which is fine. but then asked me if i had any questions for her. i dont know what im supposed to ask. and i was never in that situation. so i just kept saying no.
then she looked at my individual treatment plan and saw that the cae manager put i had low motivation. she like made all these loud sighs (plus the whole time too). and was pretty much like, i dont know what i can do about that... my interrpretation was there is no help. i cant remember what all she said. but she did say something like maybe i am just going to be like the way i am for the rest of my life. i almost cried. but kept it in. i wanted her to call my mom and tell her what we talked about, bc i knew i wouldnt remember .. but she said that wasnt necessary. so whatever. she wants me parents to come in to talk with her. about my history, how i was in the past and how i am now. so whatever. my mom will be out of town, so my dad will come. i mean obviously i have some motivation, since i showed up. but whatever. then she mentioned some psych testing. cept they dont pay for it. could be 80 bucks or more or less. i guess she wants me to get her done for her benefit. so we dont spend our sessions wasting time to get through to me or whatever. she said the next couple of appts will be just getting know to me. whatever.. its pretty hard...
so that appt was at 11. and by the time it was finished i was exhausted, felt like the afternoon. but i still had some more stuff to do...
before the appt i had to get my tb test read. attempt to drop off my application at laurel oaks. ended up mailing it. then went to the library to get some books on depression. i hope i can read them. since i cant conentrate very well.
then had the appt.
came home ate. my dad and i went to ace to get paint for my room.
came home and eventually took a nap from 3 to 6 about.
thats my day
tomorrow, i have a hair appt. and compeer's painting lessons thing.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Busy day, today
so i had a busy day today...
had a dentist appt at 10,45. thot i had a cavity, but didnt. wonder how much theyll charge me.
went to pick jesse up around 11,15. we went to lunch. and then odd lots and walmart. it was fun.
but i dont know if i wanna do it again. yeah i was a bit uncomfortable bc of my social skills, but i felt peerpressured into buying stuff. oh well. i think i will return everything i bought tho. he may have been in a manic stage or something, super high and wanted to buy everything! i bought stuff i didnt need. and i need to stop buying stuff so yeah..
i had a 2,30 appt in blanchester and wanted to be on the road for that by 2. my mom called around 1,50 seeing where i was. told her i was at my car at walmart and about to take jesse home. so then i was freaking out by the time, but how late it was. and i still needed to get something at my house. so i swung by my house and picked some things up. dropped jesse off at his place. and then called my mom cus i was freaking out. i was not going to be at the drs by 2,30 and i just didnt know what to do. and i had forgotten a piece of paper for the whole reason why i made the appt (i had to have the dr fill out a medical cert. like a physical). so my mom ended up calling the drs. and i went back home and picked it up. and drove one. i called my mom, she said they said i had to be there by 2,45. i was freaking out and crying, and reaally not well enough to drive over there, but i did. got there around 2,45. they said theyd have to ask the dr if i was too late. turns out they had an opening at 3. so i waited. it worked out fine. i told her some other concerns and i feel so dumb. i always go in the wth these bizarre concerns and she always tells me its nothing to worry about it or says its the medicine im on. i am so frustrated with no knowing whats wrong with me. i am determined to find out why i feel so bad. its mentally , but also physically. and before the dr came in,, i got my vitals. the lady took my pulse on the left, and said, mmm lemme check the other arm, youre usually not that high/fast. checked the toher one, same thing. i was thinking to myself, myaybe finally something will be wrong, everything will ctach up with me and something will be wrong... but no.. nothing.. whatever...
so thats that... oh yeah i got the physical, bc i think i am going to do an stna program. its a 2 week long course./program. not too excited about it and not too devasted. i just dont care. ill try it. but then go from there. i dont know. stna stands for state tested nurse assistant.. like a nurse aide. who knows what ill dow ith it..
sorry for the typos. i feel so shaking and just cant type rihgt.
everything seems like a huge effort for me.. typing, reading, walking, etc. i cant even sleep at night .. i go to bed early. lie there. and eventually fall asleep, but then ill wake up several times a night. i cant drive very well. im surprised i havent killed anyone. i always freak out. cus im like. oh shit, i didnt see that person/car.. etc.. i dont know. i feel like im in a daze all the time and esp. while driving. yeah i know some ppl get hypnotized while driving.. but this is different.
im lonely.. im tired... god i dont know.
see my new therapist tomorrow. ill see how that goes. im sure ill have something to write about from that..
i dont know. im getting a headache.
had a dentist appt at 10,45. thot i had a cavity, but didnt. wonder how much theyll charge me.
went to pick jesse up around 11,15. we went to lunch. and then odd lots and walmart. it was fun.
but i dont know if i wanna do it again. yeah i was a bit uncomfortable bc of my social skills, but i felt peerpressured into buying stuff. oh well. i think i will return everything i bought tho. he may have been in a manic stage or something, super high and wanted to buy everything! i bought stuff i didnt need. and i need to stop buying stuff so yeah..
i had a 2,30 appt in blanchester and wanted to be on the road for that by 2. my mom called around 1,50 seeing where i was. told her i was at my car at walmart and about to take jesse home. so then i was freaking out by the time, but how late it was. and i still needed to get something at my house. so i swung by my house and picked some things up. dropped jesse off at his place. and then called my mom cus i was freaking out. i was not going to be at the drs by 2,30 and i just didnt know what to do. and i had forgotten a piece of paper for the whole reason why i made the appt (i had to have the dr fill out a medical cert. like a physical). so my mom ended up calling the drs. and i went back home and picked it up. and drove one. i called my mom, she said they said i had to be there by 2,45. i was freaking out and crying, and reaally not well enough to drive over there, but i did. got there around 2,45. they said theyd have to ask the dr if i was too late. turns out they had an opening at 3. so i waited. it worked out fine. i told her some other concerns and i feel so dumb. i always go in the wth these bizarre concerns and she always tells me its nothing to worry about it or says its the medicine im on. i am so frustrated with no knowing whats wrong with me. i am determined to find out why i feel so bad. its mentally , but also physically. and before the dr came in,, i got my vitals. the lady took my pulse on the left, and said, mmm lemme check the other arm, youre usually not that high/fast. checked the toher one, same thing. i was thinking to myself, myaybe finally something will be wrong, everything will ctach up with me and something will be wrong... but no.. nothing.. whatever...
so thats that... oh yeah i got the physical, bc i think i am going to do an stna program. its a 2 week long course./program. not too excited about it and not too devasted. i just dont care. ill try it. but then go from there. i dont know. stna stands for state tested nurse assistant.. like a nurse aide. who knows what ill dow ith it..
sorry for the typos. i feel so shaking and just cant type rihgt.
everything seems like a huge effort for me.. typing, reading, walking, etc. i cant even sleep at night .. i go to bed early. lie there. and eventually fall asleep, but then ill wake up several times a night. i cant drive very well. im surprised i havent killed anyone. i always freak out. cus im like. oh shit, i didnt see that person/car.. etc.. i dont know. i feel like im in a daze all the time and esp. while driving. yeah i know some ppl get hypnotized while driving.. but this is different.
im lonely.. im tired... god i dont know.
see my new therapist tomorrow. ill see how that goes. im sure ill have something to write about from that..
i dont know. im getting a headache.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Shake, Shake, shake
first off, i am sorry... i havent been keeping up on my favorites. maybe on a non busy day when
im not so completely tired, i will catch up on things. so yeah, im sorry.
thanks for you notes though. i dont wanna leave a note on an entry that i havent read. so i will
leave a general thanks in here. and yeah i guess im still able to write an entry, but too tired to read one.. i dont know. sorry if i sound selfish..
so today.. got up around 8:15. left the house around 9:30 for columbus. me and my mom drove up to my sisters apt. my sister took me shopping. went to a cute restaurant.. cosi's. good food. then went to filiene's basement. i got like 5 shirts and one pair of nice pants. for my bday, my sister got me a 50 dollar personal shopping spree. well that was in may. and we finally got around to doing it. she has good tastes and stuff i wouldnt have thot would look good on me, i ended up getting. i need to add up my savings. cus the store sells designer clothing for cheap. anyways, she spent like twice the amount she was suppose to. and my mom bought me a pair of pants as well. oh well. i appreciate it tho. but then i treat them, mainly my mom, like dirt... i get so damn irritable and tense these days. got some jeni's ice cream. had to do that! then drove home.
well actually we drove to dayton to meet my dad to see hair spray. my sister and husband, my parents and me. it was good. finny. then we drove home and went for pizza. came back here and looked at their honeymoon pictures.
i have been noticing it more and more. and have noticed it before i went on this new medicine. that i shake. and something my whole body feels like its shaking. my mouth quivers or whatever. and my head shakes. kind of like im body or shivering, but im not. so i have no idea what thats about. but i have no insurance so i cant go to a dr.
im kind of depressed about my last entry. i only got one post/reply to it on the board. but thats not why im depressed. i just see my sister and her husband, and just yearn for something like that.. i dont know.. oh well.
im tired. but i just 'had' to get on here. and i wanted to write about my shakiness..
im not so completely tired, i will catch up on things. so yeah, im sorry.
thanks for you notes though. i dont wanna leave a note on an entry that i havent read. so i will
leave a general thanks in here. and yeah i guess im still able to write an entry, but too tired to read one.. i dont know. sorry if i sound selfish..
so today.. got up around 8:15. left the house around 9:30 for columbus. me and my mom drove up to my sisters apt. my sister took me shopping. went to a cute restaurant.. cosi's. good food. then went to filiene's basement. i got like 5 shirts and one pair of nice pants. for my bday, my sister got me a 50 dollar personal shopping spree. well that was in may. and we finally got around to doing it. she has good tastes and stuff i wouldnt have thot would look good on me, i ended up getting. i need to add up my savings. cus the store sells designer clothing for cheap. anyways, she spent like twice the amount she was suppose to. and my mom bought me a pair of pants as well. oh well. i appreciate it tho. but then i treat them, mainly my mom, like dirt... i get so damn irritable and tense these days. got some jeni's ice cream. had to do that! then drove home.
well actually we drove to dayton to meet my dad to see hair spray. my sister and husband, my parents and me. it was good. finny. then we drove home and went for pizza. came back here and looked at their honeymoon pictures.
i have been noticing it more and more. and have noticed it before i went on this new medicine. that i shake. and something my whole body feels like its shaking. my mouth quivers or whatever. and my head shakes. kind of like im body or shivering, but im not. so i have no idea what thats about. but i have no insurance so i cant go to a dr.
im kind of depressed about my last entry. i only got one post/reply to it on the board. but thats not why im depressed. i just see my sister and her husband, and just yearn for something like that.. i dont know.. oh well.
im tired. but i just 'had' to get on here. and i wanted to write about my shakiness..
Friday, July 20, 2007
Shakira=Awesome!!
I just posted this on a group I am in on Myspace. The Asexual group. Anyways.. here it is:
Hey all. Just thought I could post this in here.What if someone is not interested in dating anyone (guy or girl)? What does that make them? I know labels aren't accurate and polite, etc. But is that normal. Okay, well it's me. I won't put someone because it makes it complicated to write about. I mean, it could be because I am on anti-depressants and have been for several years.
But other than that I can't explain it or haven't a clue as to why I feel this way. I am pretty darn sure I am asexual. I have no desire to have sex. It grosses me out. Even kissing grosses me out. I sound like a little girl, but it's true. That's how I feel. But I thought anti-depressants just decrease the sexual desire. So why don't I want to be attracted to anyone? I know no one is going to have answers on here. But is there anyone else like me. ??I have been meaning to post this on here, for some time. So I apologize if this doesn;t belong on this board. -------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I have this to add, which I didn't post on Myspace because I forgot.
I have been wanting someone in my life. So maybe I am attracted to someone. Or maybe it's because I have no friends and just feel so alone. I don't know. But I want to go to dating sites and look for ppl. Probably because I am lonely. I am glad I didn't post this part, cus it's jumbling and really is irrevelent. But yeah, I don't know which sex to choose. I am a woman, yeah..
Seeking a Male or Female.... That is when I don't know what to choose. So I don't know. I am fearful that this is not making any sense..
Got some CDs in the mail today...Shakira: Oral Fixation Vol2. Natalie Merchant: Retrospective. Norah Jones: Feel like home. and Come away with me... I don't think that's the album title. But I got the two earliest albums by her, NOT the more recent one.
I'm listening to Shakira right now. I love her voice!
Nothing much happened today.
In fact, I didn't really go out of the house today.. well I went out more than most days. I did go out to Ace and Blockbuster with my dad after supper. And took a walk with my dog and parents.
Man, there's this HP thing going on in our town. It's fucking redicoulous! Tons of people. But whatever. If it brings in revenue for this town, then good. Ha, I sound so funny!
Jesse called to see if I wanted to go to lunch next week. He left a message, and said he'd call back later. But I went ahead and called him. Talked for a bit. He's funny. But I need some more adjectives to say on the phone. I am so bland when I am on the phone.. well in person too. But we are going to lunch next week.
I think I am worse off than him. He goes to AA meetings. Granted, they are full of felons and gross people. But at least he gets some social stimulation and intereaction. I have no one... Blah.
Oh well.
Okay, Getting a headache.. again.. No idea why I have these headaches.. But yeah. fourth day in a row.
Hey all. Just thought I could post this in here.What if someone is not interested in dating anyone (guy or girl)? What does that make them? I know labels aren't accurate and polite, etc. But is that normal. Okay, well it's me. I won't put someone because it makes it complicated to write about. I mean, it could be because I am on anti-depressants and have been for several years.
But other than that I can't explain it or haven't a clue as to why I feel this way. I am pretty darn sure I am asexual. I have no desire to have sex. It grosses me out. Even kissing grosses me out. I sound like a little girl, but it's true. That's how I feel. But I thought anti-depressants just decrease the sexual desire. So why don't I want to be attracted to anyone? I know no one is going to have answers on here. But is there anyone else like me. ??I have been meaning to post this on here, for some time. So I apologize if this doesn;t belong on this board. -------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then I have this to add, which I didn't post on Myspace because I forgot.
I have been wanting someone in my life. So maybe I am attracted to someone. Or maybe it's because I have no friends and just feel so alone. I don't know. But I want to go to dating sites and look for ppl. Probably because I am lonely. I am glad I didn't post this part, cus it's jumbling and really is irrevelent. But yeah, I don't know which sex to choose. I am a woman, yeah..
Seeking a Male or Female.... That is when I don't know what to choose. So I don't know. I am fearful that this is not making any sense..
Got some CDs in the mail today...Shakira: Oral Fixation Vol2. Natalie Merchant: Retrospective. Norah Jones: Feel like home. and Come away with me... I don't think that's the album title. But I got the two earliest albums by her, NOT the more recent one.
I'm listening to Shakira right now. I love her voice!
Nothing much happened today.
In fact, I didn't really go out of the house today.. well I went out more than most days. I did go out to Ace and Blockbuster with my dad after supper. And took a walk with my dog and parents.
Man, there's this HP thing going on in our town. It's fucking redicoulous! Tons of people. But whatever. If it brings in revenue for this town, then good. Ha, I sound so funny!
Jesse called to see if I wanted to go to lunch next week. He left a message, and said he'd call back later. But I went ahead and called him. Talked for a bit. He's funny. But I need some more adjectives to say on the phone. I am so bland when I am on the phone.. well in person too. But we are going to lunch next week.
I think I am worse off than him. He goes to AA meetings. Granted, they are full of felons and gross people. But at least he gets some social stimulation and intereaction. I have no one... Blah.
Oh well.
Okay, Getting a headache.. again.. No idea why I have these headaches.. But yeah. fourth day in a row.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I'm burning up..
god i feel sick.. i have this huge fear of throwing up..
ihavent felt so great the past two days. tues nite i had a headache of some sort. my stomach hurt and i was dizzy and stuff. today, wednesday, i had a migraine/headache for the last half of the day. now my stomach hurts. it hurt after eating dinner. it feels how my stomach feels before i am about to have diarhhea. sorry tmi, i dont care.. but i am constipated so its just the feeling and no diarrhea.
i dont know anyone..
so i thot it would be a good idea to become a volunteer for the compeer program.. being on the giving end instead of the receiveing end. the application has a reference section. i have to put 4 down. i only have three. barely two or one. but yeah.. so i wont be able to put a forth down. its so hard filling out apps, bc of references.. no wonder i dont have a job..
uhm.. i finally have an appt with a therapist at the center... cept its the person who i didnt want to be with. i usually dont judge ppl by their looks. but in this case i am.. oh well. i have an appt. wednesday. so wish me luck..
i laid down around 1130pm tonite. and couldnt fall asleep. the weather alert went off around midnight. i got up and turned it off...felt really dixxy and came back to bed... felt naucious. then i thot id turn the tv on and check the weather. so i watched tv for a bit then.. then turned it off. laid back down.. then came on here.. i cannot sleep. i dont think im really tired tho.. i dont know..
i should be cleaning my room during times like these. but im afraid bugs will be hiding underneath a pile and itll freak me out.. since its dark and nighttime. yeah im weird..
uhg i got a headache and feel funny... this sucks..
its thundering again.. blah.. i hope the electtricty doesnt go off
my mom is thinking about getting a dog. i think its weird. but i think she wants to get another one for her or oscar. i dont know why she is thinking about getting another dog. its not going to replace chester.. so who knows.. shes looking online at humane societys and resuce sites. it has to be non shedding and hypo allergenic for me. so i dont know what will come of it
tomorrow im going for a volunteer lunch for compeer. to a buffet. sounds terrible to me, right now. i hope i feel halfway better tomorrow. then i have the painting lessons with the group. i acutally like that. i wish i could get the same supplies and paint on my own. but its probly expensice.
sorry for the typos.. i dont feel like correcting them
i dontknow what else to writeabout..
ihavent felt so great the past two days. tues nite i had a headache of some sort. my stomach hurt and i was dizzy and stuff. today, wednesday, i had a migraine/headache for the last half of the day. now my stomach hurts. it hurt after eating dinner. it feels how my stomach feels before i am about to have diarhhea. sorry tmi, i dont care.. but i am constipated so its just the feeling and no diarrhea.
i dont know anyone..
so i thot it would be a good idea to become a volunteer for the compeer program.. being on the giving end instead of the receiveing end. the application has a reference section. i have to put 4 down. i only have three. barely two or one. but yeah.. so i wont be able to put a forth down. its so hard filling out apps, bc of references.. no wonder i dont have a job..
uhm.. i finally have an appt with a therapist at the center... cept its the person who i didnt want to be with. i usually dont judge ppl by their looks. but in this case i am.. oh well. i have an appt. wednesday. so wish me luck..
i laid down around 1130pm tonite. and couldnt fall asleep. the weather alert went off around midnight. i got up and turned it off...felt really dixxy and came back to bed... felt naucious. then i thot id turn the tv on and check the weather. so i watched tv for a bit then.. then turned it off. laid back down.. then came on here.. i cannot sleep. i dont think im really tired tho.. i dont know..
i should be cleaning my room during times like these. but im afraid bugs will be hiding underneath a pile and itll freak me out.. since its dark and nighttime. yeah im weird..
uhg i got a headache and feel funny... this sucks..
its thundering again.. blah.. i hope the electtricty doesnt go off
my mom is thinking about getting a dog. i think its weird. but i think she wants to get another one for her or oscar. i dont know why she is thinking about getting another dog. its not going to replace chester.. so who knows.. shes looking online at humane societys and resuce sites. it has to be non shedding and hypo allergenic for me. so i dont know what will come of it
tomorrow im going for a volunteer lunch for compeer. to a buffet. sounds terrible to me, right now. i hope i feel halfway better tomorrow. then i have the painting lessons with the group. i acutally like that. i wish i could get the same supplies and paint on my own. but its probly expensice.
sorry for the typos.. i dont feel like correcting them
i dontknow what else to writeabout..
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Kind of random
Kind of random, but I left this note on someone's journal. The wrote about Sleep anxiety. The title, excited me, because I experience it..'cept anxiety of sleep. No idea if that's the same thing.. But here's the note. I don't feel like re writing it.
Thanks for the article. I think I anxiety of sleep. If there is a difference.. But I am tired. But I know if I lie down, I will not fall asleep right away. So I end up thinking and worrying about stuff. Instead of lieing down, I stay up-watch a movie or tc, go on the internet. I do all this even though I am so exhausted. I have this fear that I won't be able to sleep 'cus I will be thinking...
....and I guess that really doesn't make sense..But oh well. And I have heard watching tv or being on the computer before bed, stimulates the brain too much. And then it keeps you from sleeping. Soooo.. Im screwing my self over. Or, maybe from doing all that, it racks my brain and that's why I think and worry when I'm lieing down. So.. sorry for randomness and whatever. The article was good.
Thanks for the article. I think I anxiety of sleep. If there is a difference.. But I am tired. But I know if I lie down, I will not fall asleep right away. So I end up thinking and worrying about stuff. Instead of lieing down, I stay up-watch a movie or tc, go on the internet. I do all this even though I am so exhausted. I have this fear that I won't be able to sleep 'cus I will be thinking...
....and I guess that really doesn't make sense..But oh well. And I have heard watching tv or being on the computer before bed, stimulates the brain too much. And then it keeps you from sleeping. Soooo.. Im screwing my self over. Or, maybe from doing all that, it racks my brain and that's why I think and worry when I'm lieing down. So.. sorry for randomness and whatever. The article was good.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
sadness
i dont know. i had been feeling so-so later in the week. today was ok. until i found out one girl i went to school with is getting married.. i found it out thru facebook, of all places.. actually i found out someone else was getting married , thru facebook, as well. i kind of competed with her in hs. and it just makes me sad. im not even remotely interested in dating or to be in a relationship. and everyone seems like they are getting married. i dont know. it makes me sad.. and then i think, if i only i would have been friends with her, i could have maybe at least been invited to the wedding.. i dont know.
..in more detail..
so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.
ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.
i did start new medicines..
i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..
my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.
i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.
my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..
my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.
..in more detail..
so i logged onto facebook and read the news feed. said so and so was tagged in someone's photo ablum. so i was like.. mmm..really, thats weird.. so i clicked on the photo album.. looked thru it.. the photo album's owner was of a girl i went to school with. so anyways, i was looking thru it.. then i saw another girl i went to school with, which i guess is friends of the photo album's owner. it was a group of ppl doing a toilet paper wedding dress for the bride.. and i was like.. is that ***? she had gained some weight, and i also was like, really.. shes getting married? it didnt have her name.. but i went thru more, and sure enough it was the girl i was thinking of.. so back in high school we both were shy/quiet. she was actually probly more popular than i was. cus she was in marching band and you pretty much become popular if youre in marching band. i was in band, but not marching band. we both wore glasses. we both played clarinet. some other stuff. i guess we really werent close friends. but i remember her coming over to my house when we were little. so i am just really jealous that i wasnt friends with her, enough to be invited to a wedding or be in one. and it makes me jealous cus shes getting married.. when i was looking at her pictures in the album, tears came into my eyes. and then i semi-beat myself up because i dont even like anyone ... i dont even wanna be in a relationship.. i dont even know what sex i like. im just not 'into that'. i dont know.
ive been shaking a lot.. more.. lately. i thot it was just when i hadnt eaten and i get dizzy and shaky then. but when i was eating supper, my right hand (the one i eat with) was shaking. i was like 'man im shaking' ha, no one said anything.. whatever.. so i dont know why im shaking.
i did start new medicines..
i saw the psychiatrist the 11th. he seems decent. talked about my past history of meds and ... i think i already talked about this..in here.. but yeah i uped the abilify to 10 and still 10 on lexapro.. no idea if thats why im shaking..
my parents and i went on a hike .. it was fun. we saw a mama and baby deer just casually pass the trail. i couldnt take a pic cus it wasnt close enough. but it was cool. then it started to rain.. we were in a bunch of trees and could hear the rain hitting the trees. it was cool. then we got really soaked.. but i didnt care, it was like a rush or high.. i was just worried about my camera.
i also saw ratatouille or whatever with my parents yesterday.. it was okay. i thot iw ould be funnier/ i kept apologizing to my parents. but i guess they liked it.
my mom wants me to call laurel oaks tomorrow about their stna training.. it basically sounds like they are going to make me take the courses// so i dot know.. but if im paying for it, i font wanna do it. i dont even know if i wanna do that/.. i dont know..
my hands hut and im started to shake and making too mnay typos.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
so today..
so today...
got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.
i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.
started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..
actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.
then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.
then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..
then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.
came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.
and thats that.. i think..
i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.
i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.
i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.
ok my hands hurt.
i think thats all i wanted to write about..
oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..
ciao
got up around 9:30am. after going to bed around 3am.. i was not ready to get up..so tired.
i had my psychiatrist appt at 11. it went well. i was in his office for like an hour or more. i wonder how the payment works out. i know i have free therapy, but not sure about the psych appts. talked about what ive been on and what has or hasnt worked. i honestly cant remember if anything worked. the thing i typed out.. i didnt read. but its ok. so i am sure i was a hard puzzle to put together. i am very vague and really have no recollection of what i felt like when i was on every different drug. i told him some of the side effects i got when i was on some of the medicines. i dont remember the dosages, which might have been a problem. he asked me what i meant by being depressed. i said im sad, feeling, worthless, helpless, hopeless, a waste, trapped (i think i said that one).. but i foget how he responded. i figured if someone said those adjectives to some professional, they would immediately ask if i was gonna kill myself. but oh well. its not i am gonna kill myself.. he discussed some options. mentioned depakote, ativan, and another drug tri-something maybe. but its somewhat impossible to try those, since i dont have ins. so he gave me samples for abilify and lexapro. he said lexapro is similar to celexa (what im on), but a little better. its fine. i am agreeable to try it. after all celexa hasnt seemed to help. he did say he wasnt a big fan of celexa..i forget why.. then i have been on abilify, but i was only on 10mg. and i stopped after awhile. i think i only stopped cus it was expensive.. and he said i wasnt even on a high enough dose. so eventual i will go up to 20. i just took 5mg of abilify and 10, i think, of lexapro.
started my period.. very nice.. whatever.. just thot id add that..
actually my mood at the moment is fine. i almost feel excited to be starting new medication..
wow, im pathetic.
then came home and farted around, had lunch. and i think i took a nap.
then around 4 my parents and i went to the outlet mall. i got some capris and a blouse at lane bryant. ha, thats the only store i feel good in or feel skinny. im the smallest size there. but yeah.. still nothing to flaunt. cus im still fat..
then we went to a new restaurant in a town nearby.
came home. my dad came with me to take some photos.
and thats that.. i think..
i have a compeer thing tomorrow. the skill builder this month is painting/art lessons. some woman comes in and teaches us how to paint. last time/year it was watercolors. i went once. but i marked all three sessions on the calendar. so i am going to try to be faithful in going to those each week. afterall, i have nothing else to do.
i am thinking about re-doing my room. first i have to clean it/dust it, and go through a bunch of stuff. possibly get rid of stuff-donate/throw out. i keep so much stuff.. partially for memories and others for like just in case stuff.. so i have to do that. i want to paint it.. probly a nuetral color. and get a new bed set..earth tones colors... some more adult-mature-like. right now my room is painted with a blue green on two wall, yellow on one, and pink on another. it was to match a bed set i had in highschool/early college. i have a different sized mattress so the set doesnt even fit, and i think ithrew it out or something.. i have a lot of stuff.. i want to make it enjoyable. my mom brought of the idea of a loft bed. that might work. cept i have to fine one.. looked online today and didnt find much. i dont one two bunk beds. i just want one top one. and i dont want a desk or drawers or whatever under the top bed. and i want a full size bed..once that fits a full mattress. so i need to do something looking. first, though, i can work on cleaning, and going through stuff.
i had been thinking about some sort of job in nursing.. like a nurse aide/assistant. but my mom talked to her ..... not sure what relation.. my dad's brother's wife... she works at hospice. and she got her stna (state tested nurses aide), which is something im interested in, at laurel oaks. both my mom and i have been looking around for the stna. but anyways. i am going to call the hospice place tomorrow, and see about volunteering, whether its office or direct patien care.
ok my hands hurt.
i think thats all i wanted to write about..
oh.. yeah we finally got HBO.. ha, i have never had HBO ever, in my life. so im hoping to watch some good things on there. Big love... I have only seen the pilot.. i need to see all the shows up until now.. i have the first season on my netflix.. so i should try to get there. or i think blockbuster has it..
ciao
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
none
so i dont know.
im so incredibly depressed and alone.
sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.
saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.
then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.
monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..
tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..
i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..
i feel trapped...
i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.
no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..
im so incredibly depressed and alone.
sometime last week i made some macroni and cheese in the oven. and when i pulled the pan out, it touched my arm. so i got burnt. yeah it hurt, but i didnt care. then a couple of days ago,i was complaining about it or something, in front of my mom. and she said, oh is that what that is. i was like yeah, and told her it was a burn and how it happened. but form that conversation, it seemed like she kind of thot i si'ed, but also thot it was something else. which tells me that even if i did slice my wrists or something, she wouldnt give a shit or even ask me about it. which made me feel sad. its like nothing i do is going to change anything or how she feels about me.
saturday, i saw once with my mom. that movie was good, loved the music. and it turns out the two main characters have a group/band and a real cd. which kind of puzzles me, but i dont know.
then we went to the mall. i need shirts/tops. sick of wearing the same shit all the time. went to sears, didnt find anything. then i went to bath and body. they were having their semi annual sale. i had a coupon so i wanted to use that. i planned on getting one thing, and then my free lip gloss. but i ended up getting like 7 things, for like cheap, i guess. then we went to kohls. tried on some cute tops, but they didnt fit or made me look prego. but got some other tops, 3. they are a bit tight. but maybe they will look good on me. i wear baggy stuff. i hope i wear them. cus when i buy stuff, it usually sits on my floor, cus i feel guilty or something. i dont know...
sunday.. didnt do much.. stayed home, i think i watched, what dreams may come with robin williams. i didnt really understand it but oh well. then we ordered pizza.
monday..yesterday.. what did i do??? mmm cant remember..
tuesday...today.. didnt bother to set my alarm, cus even if i do i never get up. so i woke up to my mom yelling my name. and then it was 12:15.. got up.. it was storming and raining. took a shower. ate. went to the grocery store. come home and unloaded and pick things away. did other random stuff. started watching mirrormask. then it started to get bad-looking out. i had 5 videos on hold at the library, so i thot i should get them. it started pouring when i was driving to the library. and when i got there, it was still ppouring. well i dont run.. so i just kind of walked fast in the rain. got soaked. i didnt care. and the lady at the desk was taking her damn old time. telling me to let it pass, and i like hurry up, dammit. but the rained had slowed down when i went to my car.. ate supper... oh the movies i got were: brokeback mountain, mirrormask (which i guess i obviously watched after i go it), dreamland, man about town, and rent. then i watched igby goes down. okay movie. not sure why i wanted to see it. had a bum in it. but of course the bum's life was different than mine. random ppl to bum stuff off of, outgoing, had date relationships, etc... so not me.. uhm yeah..
i have an appt with the psychiatrist tomorrow. first visit at the new place. whatever. i typed out some stuff, but who knows if ill read it or whatever..
i feel trapped...
i was thinking i might have binge eating disorder. last nite iw as so hungry and resisted so hard to not binge on random stuff in my room. i hate throwing up, but i was thinking about getthing a binge box of food in my room. and then i would throw it up. so i rearched throwing up.. dumb i know. but i still dont think i would be able to purge.. whatever.. then i thot well i would vbinge and then exercise.. dumb thinking.. me? exercise, no... whatever. i havent weighed myself in awhile. i dont know, i dont care anymore really.
no one's online. ... .. .anyone have msn messenger..? im thinking i should download that again.. i dont know..
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Friday, July 6, 2007
None
so im depressed. i need to cry, but what good will that do.. nothing.. i think when my mood changes from good to bad, thats when i get all tense.. i dont know. just an observation..
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.
i dont know.
i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.
i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.
SI TRIGGER
i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.
END
i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..
my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..
end...
**photos in the previous entry**
i really thot i could at least complete the application for americorps. i just had one other reference recommendation and an essay. i was more worried about the essay. the person who i thot would be able to fill out.. my mom doesnt think she would be good..it would be a fmaily friend. the problem is, i dont know anyone. im not involved in anything. and i guess a good canididate for americorp is someone who is actively involved in the community. i am concerned and interested in improving communities, but i dont get out there and 'actively' improve things.
i dont know.
i really dont know what to do. i guess i should just go and get a job. a job that i dont want. a job that i will feel miserable in. a job that i will fail at and quit after a month or less. ill do all this, so my parents will shut off and get off my case about getting a job and becoming indpendent.
i made the mistake of telling them id be interested or was thinking of doing a stna certification or home health aide. actually i think they are more on my case about it, bc they have always thot healthcare would be a good field for me. but now my mom is doing all this research and printing so much stuff out and reminding me of classes around here, etcetc. its driving me crazy. i dont know.
SI TRIGGER
i honestly dont know what to do anymore. i burned myslef when i took a pan out of the oven. it left a nasty mark on my arm. im surprised no one asked about it. but im thinking of getting in my car and burning myself with the car cig lighter.
END
i dont know..why in the world did my psychiatrist suggest americorp, and why in the world did i actually think it could happen. wow, once again, i have gtten semi excited and semi hopeful for something, and then it all comes to an end with a big disappointment. thats it, just one disappointment after another..
my head hurts, i need to cry.. but for some reason nothing comes out..
end...
**photos in the previous entry**
PHOTOS
A pink flower bud on tree. I don't know what kind of tree/flower it is. Then I tried to get the rain droplet. It sort of showed up.
I have never taken photographs of fireworks. All of these have been cropped. I like this one.
Number 2
I really like this one. It reminds me of a galaxy image or something similar, not sure what it's called.
Number 4
This one was low to the ground. For some reason I wanted the ground/street lights to be in the photo (that's why I didn't cut it out).
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
S.hare O.ur S.trength
12:05am Thursday, July 05, 2007
I wanna do something. I want to have a bake sale. I saw an ad with this link, on tv: www.greatamericanbakesale.org i feel so selfish for sitting on my ass and not doing anything. while i am being lazy and down, i could be helping others. instead of throwing out uneaten food or eating food that ultimately makes me feel worse, i could be giving that food, money, and time to hungry children. i went to the GAB sale website. i think i could do something like that. but i highly doubt its as easy as it sounds. youhave to know ppl, you have to be outgoing and have leadership. so i am gonna look online and see what i can find. i really wanna do this. maybe theres a meet up nearby. im sure theres nothing in my town, but maybe in another town. ill check out meetup.com or whatever it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fireworks were fine. just got me out of the house. took the tripod and my digital, but the pics sucked. guess i need to read up on how to take good fireworks shots. but you only have a once a year chance to photograph or practice here, atleast in my town/area.
idk still feeling trapped.
im a selfish peice of shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit:
so the video embed thing didnt work. maybe you can just click the first youtube link.. its a video on the sos org. share our strength, end child hunger
I wanna do something. I want to have a bake sale. I saw an ad with this link, on tv: www.greatamericanbakesale.org i feel so selfish for sitting on my ass and not doing anything. while i am being lazy and down, i could be helping others. instead of throwing out uneaten food or eating food that ultimately makes me feel worse, i could be giving that food, money, and time to hungry children. i went to the GAB sale website. i think i could do something like that. but i highly doubt its as easy as it sounds. youhave to know ppl, you have to be outgoing and have leadership. so i am gonna look online and see what i can find. i really wanna do this. maybe theres a meet up nearby. im sure theres nothing in my town, but maybe in another town. ill check out meetup.com or whatever it is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
fireworks were fine. just got me out of the house. took the tripod and my digital, but the pics sucked. guess i need to read up on how to take good fireworks shots. but you only have a once a year chance to photograph or practice here, atleast in my town/area.
idk still feeling trapped.
im a selfish peice of shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
edit:
so the video embed thing didnt work. maybe you can just click the first youtube link.. its a video on the sos org. share our strength, end child hunger
Hi
theres a bunch of concerts i wanna go to, but on one to go with. and im not going with my mom. i should probly try going to one by myself. but i dont know. if i could do it. and once i buy a ticket, i would feel obligated to stay, cus i paid for it and then end up staying just for that reason, and not have a good time.. i dont know.. whatever
my parents got back today. ... god...
they left fri morning, and came back this afternoon. i loved being here on my own. i really didnt do anything, but it was free of tension and no argueing and no yelling or anything. i really liked it.
i was completely honest with them and said i didnt miss them and i didnt want them coming back. so yeah. we all have been yelling at eachother. i can feel the tension. and i am feel trapped once again. i have no where to go. yeah i have a car, but where am i gonna drive to and id have to end up coming back here anyways, so its dumb.
uhm i dont know. so i worked my ass off yesterday cleaning the house up for my mom. but then she is going to re-clean everything. i knew that would happen, but god it really irritates me that she does that.
we are having two ladies stay with us thrusday nite. i think im supposed to entertain them. im hoping they just go straight to bed thurs day nite. but who knows. they are partof the indian children's chorus. i wanted to host some kids, but i guess we called too late. so we have the two teachers. the performance is 7pm on thrus. and then i have to take them back to church around 8:45 on fri. short time.
had the bvr appt. i had written down all the prospects i had been doing on my own and all the ways i have tried comunicating with her. and was planning on reading it. but didnt.. she admitted it was her fault or their fault having to contact me so late. i was just like, ok. and didnt say thats ok. cus its not ok, and i wasnt going to accept her apology. so the first step of the plan is to get some vocational testing. so i will see if she ever calls me back. cus she had called in april or may saying she was going to call a vocational testing place. turned out she just left a msg and neither the testing place or her got back with eachother. and thats pretty much what is happening here. she called while i was there to see her and left a msg with someone. so i will call her mon or tues and check up on it.
i have no idea what i wanna do. i told her some ideas. i like working with old peopl, maybe stna stuff, or something similiar. i like animals and i have an office cert. but thats all i said. allong with teh vocational testing, i will be getting a psych test as well. which is good. i havent had one of those in several years. so i definately wanna do the testing and i will be reimbursed for milage bc its out of town. ha, nothing like that here where i am.. so yeah
so i guess my neighbor did not die after all.
i went over and chatted the the wife monday or tuesday afternoon. it was fine. and i guess she cant see very well, so i didnt feel intimadated or shy-like. thats good. i guess thats the good thing about old people. they cant see very well and probly really dont care if youre ugly at all, they just like the company. so i felt good that i went and saw her. i took her one trash bag out to the curb for her. so yeah i guess i was over the monday, cus trash gets picked up around 4am on tues.
my dad and i might go to the fireworks. just sit in a parking lot near by. i may take pictures. altho i am afraid he will start lecturing me.. god, oh well. maybe ill take oscar. or something, i dont know.. whatever
my parents got back today. ... god...
they left fri morning, and came back this afternoon. i loved being here on my own. i really didnt do anything, but it was free of tension and no argueing and no yelling or anything. i really liked it.
i was completely honest with them and said i didnt miss them and i didnt want them coming back. so yeah. we all have been yelling at eachother. i can feel the tension. and i am feel trapped once again. i have no where to go. yeah i have a car, but where am i gonna drive to and id have to end up coming back here anyways, so its dumb.
uhm i dont know. so i worked my ass off yesterday cleaning the house up for my mom. but then she is going to re-clean everything. i knew that would happen, but god it really irritates me that she does that.
we are having two ladies stay with us thrusday nite. i think im supposed to entertain them. im hoping they just go straight to bed thurs day nite. but who knows. they are partof the indian children's chorus. i wanted to host some kids, but i guess we called too late. so we have the two teachers. the performance is 7pm on thrus. and then i have to take them back to church around 8:45 on fri. short time.
had the bvr appt. i had written down all the prospects i had been doing on my own and all the ways i have tried comunicating with her. and was planning on reading it. but didnt.. she admitted it was her fault or their fault having to contact me so late. i was just like, ok. and didnt say thats ok. cus its not ok, and i wasnt going to accept her apology. so the first step of the plan is to get some vocational testing. so i will see if she ever calls me back. cus she had called in april or may saying she was going to call a vocational testing place. turned out she just left a msg and neither the testing place or her got back with eachother. and thats pretty much what is happening here. she called while i was there to see her and left a msg with someone. so i will call her mon or tues and check up on it.
i have no idea what i wanna do. i told her some ideas. i like working with old peopl, maybe stna stuff, or something similiar. i like animals and i have an office cert. but thats all i said. allong with teh vocational testing, i will be getting a psych test as well. which is good. i havent had one of those in several years. so i definately wanna do the testing and i will be reimbursed for milage bc its out of town. ha, nothing like that here where i am.. so yeah
so i guess my neighbor did not die after all.
i went over and chatted the the wife monday or tuesday afternoon. it was fine. and i guess she cant see very well, so i didnt feel intimadated or shy-like. thats good. i guess thats the good thing about old people. they cant see very well and probly really dont care if youre ugly at all, they just like the company. so i felt good that i went and saw her. i took her one trash bag out to the curb for her. so yeah i guess i was over the monday, cus trash gets picked up around 4am on tues.
my dad and i might go to the fireworks. just sit in a parking lot near by. i may take pictures. altho i am afraid he will start lecturing me.. god, oh well. maybe ill take oscar. or something, i dont know.. whatever
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Poop
i wonder if anyone ever journals while going to the bathroom or while having sex.. is that even possible?
okay well i drove up to columbus saturday. ocscar came. the ride up wasnt bad, he sat in his seat thing i made him. when i got there, i unloaded stuff and took him into my sister's apt. and then me and my sister were going to go shopping while mark, her husband, stayed home with the dog. yeah well we didnt shop, by the time we found a parking space, mark had already called three times. he kept calling bc oscar wouldnt stop whining or settle down. i guess he isnt a dog person. he obviously was freaking out. well i should say this.. they arent allowed to have pets in the apt.. so, thats why he was freaking out. and i guess they called the police on the nieghbors the night before, and the neighbors know that bevin called the police on them. so i guess they were worried about them paying bevin and mark back.. so yeah. finally the third time he called. we had to go back home. it sucked, cus bc of oscar we couldnt do our plans. he is just so attached to me and freaks out when im not around. makes me feel loved, though. so we stayed in and played games. then since we couldnt go out to eat, we took a walk and thot we were gonna eat at some mini street fair. but ended up coming home. got some kfc, and dessert at giant eagle and then took a picnic supper to the park. played a few games there. then came home and watched ice age 2. so it wasnt a complete bust. the picnic was nice and i lile playing games. i even told my sister that we could just put him in kennel, but later i was thinking, that wouldnt have worked, cus i dont have any medical records on him, well with me. so yeah. it was fine. i think they were ready for oscar to leave. and i wanted to get home.
when i was leaving, oscar started barking, and bevin freaked out and was yelling at him and then telling me he cant bark and i needed to stop him from barking. i really dont think i over-reacted. i thot it wasnt a big deal. we were walking out the door, just one or two barks werent gonna matter. so when i got out the door. she was like,***, dont be like that. i guess she thot i was over-reacting or something. who knows. but no im gonna be like me, and im not gonna change. i remeber her friends were having a conlifct or dont get along anytmore and one of them wants the other to change. when the girl who was told to change, was like, no, this is me, and im not gnna change fore you. that incident reminded me of that. it pisses me. she does this all the time. we are not always gonna get along. and when i act like im over-reacting just dealt with it.
earlier she and i were talking about this compeer program. i agree i am one of the most normal persons in it. but she coudlnt understand why i was even having amentor. i was like, uhm depression, and anxiety. she said something like well depression is so common these days, i dont really think its an issue. then shes like, well i guess it could be considered a mental illness, but 1 in 5 ppl are depressed. that pissed me off. but its true. no one really takes depression seriously. but no one has said that to me face.. im surprised i didnt start crying, but of course she would have yelled at me for 'over reacting' whatever...
i have a bvr appt tomorrow. no idea whats supposed to happen. bvr is supposed to help me get a job. and i have tried to contact this counselor for ages and im just now getting a meeting with her.. i dont know. i dont feel like explain it. im already making tons of typos...
so my appt at the MH place was fine. i met with a case manager. she looked fairly normal. had to get an isp, kind of like a treatment plan. nothing moving forward from that, tho.
civil service test was fine. i thot it was harder than the mail messenger one. this one was for clerk 1 and 2. stopped over at bevins after the test.
thursday..dentist appt. he offered to refund my money for the bite splint. bc there is nothing he can do.. talked about me seeing an oral surgeon, yeah right, i dont have any insurance. so i was like can i just try it for a bit longer and then come back. thinking i would be dedicated to wear it at least several hours a day for a week.
i think one of our neighbors died. we call him chairman. he always sat outside and looked or watched the nieghborhood. and smoked. he was old. 80s probly. but he went into the hospital to have a procedure done. maybe last week or last wednesday. guess after the surgery, there were complications. fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, and his kidney were failing. so he was in icu. then i got a call from the wife, this moening, she left a msg. saying to just keep an eye on her place when were in and out. she is pretty old too, worse off then what her husband is/was. think shes almost blind and cant hear real well and uses a walker. i thought about going over the this evening. but i think i will go tomorrow. see if she needs anything. i wanted to be the first one to stop by. but who knows who all she called. bu my dad used to go over and talk to chairman. so i may go over tomorrow.
joanna came over friday. we hung out around the house. i suck at entertaining, so it was kind of awkward when i ddint know what to do or say. we watched norbit and ordered pizza. not sure if she liked it or not. shes really christian-y and i am just afraid some parts were inapporpite or risque. it was ok. some parts funny.
.
i dont know i guess thats it, for now.
okay well i drove up to columbus saturday. ocscar came. the ride up wasnt bad, he sat in his seat thing i made him. when i got there, i unloaded stuff and took him into my sister's apt. and then me and my sister were going to go shopping while mark, her husband, stayed home with the dog. yeah well we didnt shop, by the time we found a parking space, mark had already called three times. he kept calling bc oscar wouldnt stop whining or settle down. i guess he isnt a dog person. he obviously was freaking out. well i should say this.. they arent allowed to have pets in the apt.. so, thats why he was freaking out. and i guess they called the police on the nieghbors the night before, and the neighbors know that bevin called the police on them. so i guess they were worried about them paying bevin and mark back.. so yeah. finally the third time he called. we had to go back home. it sucked, cus bc of oscar we couldnt do our plans. he is just so attached to me and freaks out when im not around. makes me feel loved, though. so we stayed in and played games. then since we couldnt go out to eat, we took a walk and thot we were gonna eat at some mini street fair. but ended up coming home. got some kfc, and dessert at giant eagle and then took a picnic supper to the park. played a few games there. then came home and watched ice age 2. so it wasnt a complete bust. the picnic was nice and i lile playing games. i even told my sister that we could just put him in kennel, but later i was thinking, that wouldnt have worked, cus i dont have any medical records on him, well with me. so yeah. it was fine. i think they were ready for oscar to leave. and i wanted to get home.
when i was leaving, oscar started barking, and bevin freaked out and was yelling at him and then telling me he cant bark and i needed to stop him from barking. i really dont think i over-reacted. i thot it wasnt a big deal. we were walking out the door, just one or two barks werent gonna matter. so when i got out the door. she was like,***, dont be like that. i guess she thot i was over-reacting or something. who knows. but no im gonna be like me, and im not gonna change. i remeber her friends were having a conlifct or dont get along anytmore and one of them wants the other to change. when the girl who was told to change, was like, no, this is me, and im not gnna change fore you. that incident reminded me of that. it pisses me. she does this all the time. we are not always gonna get along. and when i act like im over-reacting just dealt with it.
earlier she and i were talking about this compeer program. i agree i am one of the most normal persons in it. but she coudlnt understand why i was even having amentor. i was like, uhm depression, and anxiety. she said something like well depression is so common these days, i dont really think its an issue. then shes like, well i guess it could be considered a mental illness, but 1 in 5 ppl are depressed. that pissed me off. but its true. no one really takes depression seriously. but no one has said that to me face.. im surprised i didnt start crying, but of course she would have yelled at me for 'over reacting' whatever...
i have a bvr appt tomorrow. no idea whats supposed to happen. bvr is supposed to help me get a job. and i have tried to contact this counselor for ages and im just now getting a meeting with her.. i dont know. i dont feel like explain it. im already making tons of typos...
so my appt at the MH place was fine. i met with a case manager. she looked fairly normal. had to get an isp, kind of like a treatment plan. nothing moving forward from that, tho.
civil service test was fine. i thot it was harder than the mail messenger one. this one was for clerk 1 and 2. stopped over at bevins after the test.
thursday..dentist appt. he offered to refund my money for the bite splint. bc there is nothing he can do.. talked about me seeing an oral surgeon, yeah right, i dont have any insurance. so i was like can i just try it for a bit longer and then come back. thinking i would be dedicated to wear it at least several hours a day for a week.
i think one of our neighbors died. we call him chairman. he always sat outside and looked or watched the nieghborhood. and smoked. he was old. 80s probly. but he went into the hospital to have a procedure done. maybe last week or last wednesday. guess after the surgery, there were complications. fluid in the lungs, pneumonia, and his kidney were failing. so he was in icu. then i got a call from the wife, this moening, she left a msg. saying to just keep an eye on her place when were in and out. she is pretty old too, worse off then what her husband is/was. think shes almost blind and cant hear real well and uses a walker. i thought about going over the this evening. but i think i will go tomorrow. see if she needs anything. i wanted to be the first one to stop by. but who knows who all she called. bu my dad used to go over and talk to chairman. so i may go over tomorrow.
joanna came over friday. we hung out around the house. i suck at entertaining, so it was kind of awkward when i ddint know what to do or say. we watched norbit and ordered pizza. not sure if she liked it or not. shes really christian-y and i am just afraid some parts were inapporpite or risque. it was ok. some parts funny.
.
i dont know i guess thats it, for now.
Monday, June 25, 2007
--Photos--
Action shot of my doggie--He is shaking
Call me weird...I don't care.. So he is a squatter!! (he's peeing)
Random moon on a terra cotta planter
Well a package come for me, filled with goodies for the dog. A doggie harness for car rides, some hydrocortosone spray, and a cooling bandana. This is him in the harness. He was so confused and terrified. he would not move. Poor guy. The bandana is too small, so I will exchange it.
The back of him.. I swear it reminds me of someone in bondage! LOL I watched Guys and Balls last nite, so I have this bondage image in my mind. ;)
View of my patio from my SkyChair
Butterfly on a Black eyed Susan
Again
Blurry
Another one
I think this is called a Blackle Sweet Potato Vine
Sunday, June 24, 2007
need a reason..
this week i have a busy week.. as far as appointments..
tuesday...an appt with some case manager person at the local MH place
wednesday...civil service test up in cbus
thursday...dentist appt
friday...i think joanna and i are going to do something. not really an appt but yeah..
i feel so trapped. thanks goodness two people are online. even tho, its not really helping, but it is keeping my company..
i dont know.
i think my parents are getting more frustrated with me. circling jobs in the paper, printing out postings online, saying so and so is hiring as we drive by places. and my mom keeps saying, all you need *** is a job, then things will be fine.
i am getting sick of this. its sunday night. and the work week will be here any time. i will be home alone m-f while my parents are at work. most likely i will sleep the days away. there are some things i wanna do. but i dont always do them. like i have so many magazines that are piled up. and i feel guilty for having my parents buy the subcriptions when i dont read them. so i wanna read them all and then move on to the next ones. or i want or need to clean my room. its rather dusty. i wanna do some mind puzzles. its seems like when ever i think really hard or try to concentrate really hard, by head hurts or i get a headache. it fucking sucks. maybe it means i dont use my brain that often.. who knows. i was trying to do sudoku and my hidden picture puzzles. i couldnt concentrate nor think, and i just ached in my head..
i am starting to feel worthless. dont know what i never tagged that feeling for me. but yeah.. cus professionals would always ask, do you feel worthless? and id say no. i had other feelings.. like a waste, or pointess or stuff like that. but now worthless is being added to the list of emotions or feelings.
i am not going anywhere. i feel like i am in quick sand or cement, i guess. im stuck and cant move forward.
yeah im sure most non depression-plaqued people would say, get off your ass, but it doesnt work that way. im sorry. just getting a job is not gonna help.
it fucking sucks cus depression or any other illnesses i have, do NOT run in my family.. im the odd ball.
and i watched intervention earlier. i fucking hate myself for not being able to numb myself with drugs or alcohol. im too much of a chicken. it was about an alcoholic and stuff. being a mom with three children. most of the time, i act the same way the ppl on intervention act. but all i have is depression. theres not help or treatment, intensively for depression. so im fucked. i dont know.
my head is starting to hurt. and my jaw is getting tense along with other body parts. maybe i need to cry, i dont know. but that never helps. nothing ever helps.
i was listening to music but it was getting on my nerves. i think i also had it on to keep my company. but yeah, turned it off. i was getting a headache too.
tuesday...an appt with some case manager person at the local MH place
wednesday...civil service test up in cbus
thursday...dentist appt
friday...i think joanna and i are going to do something. not really an appt but yeah..
i feel so trapped. thanks goodness two people are online. even tho, its not really helping, but it is keeping my company..
i dont know.
i think my parents are getting more frustrated with me. circling jobs in the paper, printing out postings online, saying so and so is hiring as we drive by places. and my mom keeps saying, all you need *** is a job, then things will be fine.
i am getting sick of this. its sunday night. and the work week will be here any time. i will be home alone m-f while my parents are at work. most likely i will sleep the days away. there are some things i wanna do. but i dont always do them. like i have so many magazines that are piled up. and i feel guilty for having my parents buy the subcriptions when i dont read them. so i wanna read them all and then move on to the next ones. or i want or need to clean my room. its rather dusty. i wanna do some mind puzzles. its seems like when ever i think really hard or try to concentrate really hard, by head hurts or i get a headache. it fucking sucks. maybe it means i dont use my brain that often.. who knows. i was trying to do sudoku and my hidden picture puzzles. i couldnt concentrate nor think, and i just ached in my head..
i am starting to feel worthless. dont know what i never tagged that feeling for me. but yeah.. cus professionals would always ask, do you feel worthless? and id say no. i had other feelings.. like a waste, or pointess or stuff like that. but now worthless is being added to the list of emotions or feelings.
i am not going anywhere. i feel like i am in quick sand or cement, i guess. im stuck and cant move forward.
yeah im sure most non depression-plaqued people would say, get off your ass, but it doesnt work that way. im sorry. just getting a job is not gonna help.
it fucking sucks cus depression or any other illnesses i have, do NOT run in my family.. im the odd ball.
and i watched intervention earlier. i fucking hate myself for not being able to numb myself with drugs or alcohol. im too much of a chicken. it was about an alcoholic and stuff. being a mom with three children. most of the time, i act the same way the ppl on intervention act. but all i have is depression. theres not help or treatment, intensively for depression. so im fucked. i dont know.
my head is starting to hurt. and my jaw is getting tense along with other body parts. maybe i need to cry, i dont know. but that never helps. nothing ever helps.
i was listening to music but it was getting on my nerves. i think i also had it on to keep my company. but yeah, turned it off. i was getting a headache too.
I hate coming up with titles
1:20am
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Just finished watching Copying Beethoven. That was a good movie! I watched Little Fish earlier with my parents. But I had no clue what was going on..So Copying Beethoven was much better and easy to understand ;)
Got up around 9:45. My mom and I headed over to this Lavender Field Day thing, it was like outside of Hillsboro. That was neat..Had some Lavender ice cream. Sounds gross, but it was tasty. Tastes just the way it smells, if that makes sense. Bought I pretty necklace/pendant and a sachet of lavender.
Drove back into Hillboro. But on the way back I wanted to go down a road that had an Amish horse and buggy raod sign/cossing thing. We drove for a while, then came across these wild dogs.. Three dogs came out from a tree/woody area. I got sad, cus they looked dumped or stray. My mom said they were wild dogs. I was like, whatever. Drove some more, but my mom wanted to turn around. Then on the way back the dogs were gone. I was like...I bet those dogs were telling us to turn there..they were leading us to the Amish. Jokingly, but who knows.. We obviously never saw any Amish.
Went to kmart. I bought a interesting top, which I would have never thought it would work on me. and then some stretchy capris and tank top. I was trying stuff on, and I looked way fat and everything. But most stuff fit or was too big, and usually I wear an XL and was able to get a L. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow, who knows..
Got home and I went to my Grandparents to see their dogs. then came back and went to Blockbuster with my Dad. He grilled pork chops and so we had that for dinner. Then we watched Little Fish, of course way too complicated for me. My parents went to bed, and I just finished my movie. I am tired, and my eyes are dry and need to be shut, but I got online.. That's that!
I posted some pics before this entry. So feel free to see them. I didn't post all the pictures, but yeah,... I only took half a dozen pics of the lavender. I think there are two in the entry before and one of some cat. But there really wasnt much to take pictures of.
OK...
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Just finished watching Copying Beethoven. That was a good movie! I watched Little Fish earlier with my parents. But I had no clue what was going on..So Copying Beethoven was much better and easy to understand ;)
Got up around 9:45. My mom and I headed over to this Lavender Field Day thing, it was like outside of Hillsboro. That was neat..Had some Lavender ice cream. Sounds gross, but it was tasty. Tastes just the way it smells, if that makes sense. Bought I pretty necklace/pendant and a sachet of lavender.
Drove back into Hillboro. But on the way back I wanted to go down a road that had an Amish horse and buggy raod sign/cossing thing. We drove for a while, then came across these wild dogs.. Three dogs came out from a tree/woody area. I got sad, cus they looked dumped or stray. My mom said they were wild dogs. I was like, whatever. Drove some more, but my mom wanted to turn around. Then on the way back the dogs were gone. I was like...I bet those dogs were telling us to turn there..they were leading us to the Amish. Jokingly, but who knows.. We obviously never saw any Amish.
Went to kmart. I bought a interesting top, which I would have never thought it would work on me. and then some stretchy capris and tank top. I was trying stuff on, and I looked way fat and everything. But most stuff fit or was too big, and usually I wear an XL and was able to get a L. Maybe i will weigh myself tomorrow, who knows..
Got home and I went to my Grandparents to see their dogs. then came back and went to Blockbuster with my Dad. He grilled pork chops and so we had that for dinner. Then we watched Little Fish, of course way too complicated for me. My parents went to bed, and I just finished my movie. I am tired, and my eyes are dry and need to be shut, but I got online.. That's that!
I posted some pics before this entry. So feel free to see them. I didn't post all the pictures, but yeah,... I only took half a dozen pics of the lavender. I think there are two in the entry before and one of some cat. But there really wasnt much to take pictures of.
OK...
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Photos
Saw this cat in the window at the http://www.springbrooklavender.com/ (Lavender Field Day) - unfortunately you can see my reflection.
Lavender.
My grandparent's dog, Bambi.
Lavender - was trying to get a closeup of the beetle.
Black-eyed Susans in our yard.
The center on this one was swirly - tried to capture.
A different view of the flower.
Kind of dark, but I found this frog in our backyard.
Not sure what happened to the bottom, but yeah, this is a better picture of the frog.
Friday, June 22, 2007
**Photos
My dog playing with his KONG.
Trying to get a close-up up his nose..Didn't work too well.
Taken earlier this year. Looking up into the sky.
Thought it was cool that I could capture him yawning!
Not sure what flower this is, but I can find out.
Not sure what tree this is. Taken a few months ago.
Came out blurry. But trying to capture the rain droplets on the cushion outside.
Same as above, but not blurry, and no idea why it's so small.
Capturing the storm/rain clouds from inside my car.
Trying to get a bugs eye view of the rain drops. But my garage floor is lower than the driveway.Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hurt
so i just IMed my my childhood best friend. of course we arent buddy buddy now, but i still occasionally IM/email her. but i asked, how are you? she said busy wedding planning and working. i knew what she meant.. (another person my age and/or past friend is getting married). but i said wedding planning? and she said, yeah, did you see my facebook? i was like, no. its so crazy that ppl communicate thru facebook and all that shit. i dont know i am jealous that everyone is moving forward, getting married, and being successful. and im mad that i had to learn about her wedding thru IM.. but we arent friends, really now. so its to be expected.. i guess.
went to a compeer thing tonite. ice cream..bring your favorite topping.. i was the youngest there. as usual. just about everyone in that group is in a clique. i dont know. i felt out of place, but i thot id better stay, it would be good for me. even tho i didnt see anything positive out of it.. just being outside and not in the house.. thats it. i think ppl see me as being shy. but really i am depressed. i hardly laughed at anything. and when michelle, the leader would speak about me in front of ppl i just wanted to run away.. shed go like, so, ** are you finished with classes? i was like well i havent taken any for a long time, she said, oh so you have the whole summer off? yep... and everyone was like thats nice, i wish i could have that.. then some woman was bragging, or probly just telling everyone about how she is in school or something. shes my cousin's age, one year younger that myself.. so she has already graduated from a four year school. god i dont know. im depressed, when i speak up.. i feel dumb, and so i never do it.. but i am for certain that ppl just think im shy and not severely depressed. its sad, that i cant tell ppl. but really theres nothing to do..
my piano is out of tune or something. it like happened in a day.. its always been out of tune, but i was playing it yesterday and i noticed it... it didnt sound that good at all. so i told my mom we need to fix it and i was like it needs to be fixed before she goes on her vacation.. so i can have at least one thing to do while i am home alone.
i am a waste. i have no point. i have no purpose. ppl cannot see i am hurting. i am untreatable. i am broken. i cannot be fixed.
went to a compeer thing tonite. ice cream..bring your favorite topping.. i was the youngest there. as usual. just about everyone in that group is in a clique. i dont know. i felt out of place, but i thot id better stay, it would be good for me. even tho i didnt see anything positive out of it.. just being outside and not in the house.. thats it. i think ppl see me as being shy. but really i am depressed. i hardly laughed at anything. and when michelle, the leader would speak about me in front of ppl i just wanted to run away.. shed go like, so, ** are you finished with classes? i was like well i havent taken any for a long time, she said, oh so you have the whole summer off? yep... and everyone was like thats nice, i wish i could have that.. then some woman was bragging, or probly just telling everyone about how she is in school or something. shes my cousin's age, one year younger that myself.. so she has already graduated from a four year school. god i dont know. im depressed, when i speak up.. i feel dumb, and so i never do it.. but i am for certain that ppl just think im shy and not severely depressed. its sad, that i cant tell ppl. but really theres nothing to do..
my piano is out of tune or something. it like happened in a day.. its always been out of tune, but i was playing it yesterday and i noticed it... it didnt sound that good at all. so i told my mom we need to fix it and i was like it needs to be fixed before she goes on her vacation.. so i can have at least one thing to do while i am home alone.
i am a waste. i have no point. i have no purpose. ppl cannot see i am hurting. i am untreatable. i am broken. i cannot be fixed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
stupid mom
6:16pm
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
i heard on the news, just a few minutes ago, that ohio or maybe it was the country ,is going to make insurance avaliable to all the parents of chroniclly ill children, regardless of income.. i said, oh, too bad im not a child (mainly cus i dont have ins.).. and my mom said well you dont have a chronic illness either.. i was like, well i am pretty sure i have chronic depression, not sure if that counts, tho... and she goes.. well i think all you need is a job and a little independance.
she really is in denial and just thinks everything i do is an excuse for not getting a job. i am not crying, yet. but i can feel my body getting tense..
i dont know..more later, tho..
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
i heard on the news, just a few minutes ago, that ohio or maybe it was the country ,is going to make insurance avaliable to all the parents of chroniclly ill children, regardless of income.. i said, oh, too bad im not a child (mainly cus i dont have ins.).. and my mom said well you dont have a chronic illness either.. i was like, well i am pretty sure i have chronic depression, not sure if that counts, tho... and she goes.. well i think all you need is a job and a little independance.
she really is in denial and just thinks everything i do is an excuse for not getting a job. i am not crying, yet. but i can feel my body getting tense..
i dont know..more later, tho..
nothing..
2 am
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
well im not sure if my parents are going to HI or not.
i am so tired..my eyes are watering and itchy.. not sure if i wrote about it or not. but i tried listening to music..while in bed, but i think i zoned out and just started thinking... my mind will not stop. i need a sedative or something... i didnt go to bed until aroun 4:30 yesterday. it about 2 now. i was talking to myself/pretend friend, about this situation.. but now i can remember what i was saying...dont ask about the pretend friend..thing... but yeah. it pisses me off that i cant sleep...and then i have heard its bad to be on the computer or watch tv right before bed.. something about making the brain active.. or i dont know... if you do those things its hard for you to get to sleep. well i am pretty much screwing myself over..then, arent i?
so yeah, i think i wrote about how my psyciatrist suggested americorps. i emailed.. yes emailed, i am a dumbass, my mom about it.. then she brought up a good point.. i like my space and with those programs you have to share living quarters. and so it probly wouldnt work out so great. so got disappointed again. i honestly dont know what kind of job i can do. i sill emailed all the places in OH for more information. so whatever..
walmart called me about a job opening on saturday. well actually they didnt say it was walmart, but yeah. i guess they assume everyone in this town knows the number for walmart. god..but yeah that place is so disorganized, i mean for a HUGE company like that, they should do better. but i swear i only knew the persons first name.. and well hard ot explain.. after i went thru several ppl and got to talk to this person.. it was a cashier position. i dont want that...
i went to a curbside recycling meeting for this town.. it was ok. but lasted forever, so i left early.. people are obviously close minded and dont care about the environment. most of them there, wanted an incentive for recycling.. god, cant you just do it for the environment and the surroundings? obviously not. i guess there is more to it than that.. but i dont know. ...
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
well im not sure if my parents are going to HI or not.
i am so tired..my eyes are watering and itchy.. not sure if i wrote about it or not. but i tried listening to music..while in bed, but i think i zoned out and just started thinking... my mind will not stop. i need a sedative or something... i didnt go to bed until aroun 4:30 yesterday. it about 2 now. i was talking to myself/pretend friend, about this situation.. but now i can remember what i was saying...dont ask about the pretend friend..thing... but yeah. it pisses me off that i cant sleep...and then i have heard its bad to be on the computer or watch tv right before bed.. something about making the brain active.. or i dont know... if you do those things its hard for you to get to sleep. well i am pretty much screwing myself over..then, arent i?
so yeah, i think i wrote about how my psyciatrist suggested americorps. i emailed.. yes emailed, i am a dumbass, my mom about it.. then she brought up a good point.. i like my space and with those programs you have to share living quarters. and so it probly wouldnt work out so great. so got disappointed again. i honestly dont know what kind of job i can do. i sill emailed all the places in OH for more information. so whatever..
walmart called me about a job opening on saturday. well actually they didnt say it was walmart, but yeah. i guess they assume everyone in this town knows the number for walmart. god..but yeah that place is so disorganized, i mean for a HUGE company like that, they should do better. but i swear i only knew the persons first name.. and well hard ot explain.. after i went thru several ppl and got to talk to this person.. it was a cashier position. i dont want that...
i went to a curbside recycling meeting for this town.. it was ok. but lasted forever, so i left early.. people are obviously close minded and dont care about the environment. most of them there, wanted an incentive for recycling.. god, cant you just do it for the environment and the surroundings? obviously not. i guess there is more to it than that.. but i dont know. ...
Monday, June 18, 2007
Left out.........again
10:14pm
Monday, June 18, 2007
so i found out that my parents are taking a cruise to HI in february 08. and im not invited. it hurts so bad. i dont understand. they say that i can come, only if i stay in the same room as them. i dont even think cruise ship rooms can have 3 ppl in them. anyways, i cant share a room wtih them, esp at nighttime, the snore so much. but my cousins and aunt and uncle just took a cruise and they had two rooms, on for the girls and one for the parents. why cant we get two rooms? what if i paid for half the cost of another room? or even half the cost or all of the cost of my ticket.? i dont know. i like travelling, but not always with family. so i dont even know if it would work out. but i am still hurt that i am not invited..
Monday, June 18, 2007
so i found out that my parents are taking a cruise to HI in february 08. and im not invited. it hurts so bad. i dont understand. they say that i can come, only if i stay in the same room as them. i dont even think cruise ship rooms can have 3 ppl in them. anyways, i cant share a room wtih them, esp at nighttime, the snore so much. but my cousins and aunt and uncle just took a cruise and they had two rooms, on for the girls and one for the parents. why cant we get two rooms? what if i paid for half the cost of another room? or even half the cost or all of the cost of my ticket.? i dont know. i like travelling, but not always with family. so i dont even know if it would work out. but i am still hurt that i am not invited..
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Failure
12:42am
Monday, June 18, 2007
i think i know why i cant sleep at night. i dont like just lieing there doing nothing. i mean i do do nothing all day throughout the day. but at night its different. everything and everyone is pretty much dead to the world, and eachother. so i try to occupy myself until i get so tired that i cannot stand it. surfing the net, watching tv, whatever. so i think that makes sense. then last nite i was surfing online for depression personal pages. some guy had a page..very out dated, but he said that he was always listening to music. bc if he wasnt, his mind would be racing and he would be thinking and worrying. damn, i cant believe i never thot of doing that. so i think i may try that. of course i will be focusing on the music and lyrics, but i think its better than worrying about everything and thinking non stop...
so after saying yes i would go up to columbus or no i wont.. back and forth. i said no. my mom asked me this morning if i was.. i said no. then later i said yes. then no. then yes, got everything packed up and was very close to leaving. i just need a few more directions. i was putting my cds into my mom's car, for the drive. she comes out and says, that they both (mom and dad) would be fine with me not going, at all. i dont even have to go tomorrow morning and drive from here to columbus. so then i was still freaking out. i couldnt make a fucking decision. something is definately wrong. my head felt like it was going to explode, and i needed to cry so bad. so i just said fine, ill stay home. yes its a big relief. but i feel like such a complete failure...
i keep telling my mom i am not ok, i am not doing so well, etc. whether its in general or remembering/forgetting things or other things. she never once shows any concern or acts like she believes me. i know she loves me and cares about me and wants whats best, etc.etc. but she never sees it. that why i dont even think if i slit my wrists in front of her, that she would do anything. shed probly just say, oh, ***let me get you a bandaid. or something really stupid and unrelated. and she is concerned about my dad, but never me. it pisses me off
Monday, June 18, 2007
i think i know why i cant sleep at night. i dont like just lieing there doing nothing. i mean i do do nothing all day throughout the day. but at night its different. everything and everyone is pretty much dead to the world, and eachother. so i try to occupy myself until i get so tired that i cannot stand it. surfing the net, watching tv, whatever. so i think that makes sense. then last nite i was surfing online for depression personal pages. some guy had a page..very out dated, but he said that he was always listening to music. bc if he wasnt, his mind would be racing and he would be thinking and worrying. damn, i cant believe i never thot of doing that. so i think i may try that. of course i will be focusing on the music and lyrics, but i think its better than worrying about everything and thinking non stop...
so after saying yes i would go up to columbus or no i wont.. back and forth. i said no. my mom asked me this morning if i was.. i said no. then later i said yes. then no. then yes, got everything packed up and was very close to leaving. i just need a few more directions. i was putting my cds into my mom's car, for the drive. she comes out and says, that they both (mom and dad) would be fine with me not going, at all. i dont even have to go tomorrow morning and drive from here to columbus. so then i was still freaking out. i couldnt make a fucking decision. something is definately wrong. my head felt like it was going to explode, and i needed to cry so bad. so i just said fine, ill stay home. yes its a big relief. but i feel like such a complete failure...
i keep telling my mom i am not ok, i am not doing so well, etc. whether its in general or remembering/forgetting things or other things. she never once shows any concern or acts like she believes me. i know she loves me and cares about me and wants whats best, etc.etc. but she never sees it. that why i dont even think if i slit my wrists in front of her, that she would do anything. shed probly just say, oh, ***let me get you a bandaid. or something really stupid and unrelated. and she is concerned about my dad, but never me. it pisses me off
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Earlier
11:53pm
Saturday, June 16, 2007
i feel like a complete idiot.. so i read an article in our crappy newspaper, a couple of days ago. about kroger pulling a glbt related newpaper off their shelves. that pissed me off so bad. so i want to now boycott kroger. the only problem is thats like the only place to grocery shop here. so i am still going to try to do that shopping elsewhere. and then i decided to create a facebook group on this subject. i feel dumb since i did that. of course no one is going to join. i really dont care, but i just feel stupid..
monday i have a civil service test in columbus, about an hour and 15 minute drive from where i live. oh its at 8:30 in the am. i was able to arrange to drive up to my sister's place and stay the night there, by myself, sunday and then drive from her place to the testing site. i still cant make a decision. if i dont go sunday nite, i have to get up around 6am or something. personally i would rather not go and reapply for another test date. and take my chances ... if its at 8:30 again, then maybe it will be different circumstances than now i dont know. so i told my mom i am still not sure. and that i really dont wanna do it anyways. i am not even sure it is an ideal job...its called data processor 1. but yeah.. i keep telling her that i am really scared when i drive. i am so 'not there' while i am behind the wheel, in a daze, just not paying much attention..or something.. but everytime i tell her, she really doesnt respond.
then my dad and mom were talking.. and my dad couldnt remember the last time he didnt 'something'. so my mom was like, you cant remember? ***, I am worried about you. Everytime these situations come up, i always chime in.. oh well, i have that all the time or do that all the time.. not sure where i am going with this. but its completely normal for a 54 year old to forget things. but me, a 23 year old, who doesnt have a busy life.. thats not normal... but whatever.. like i said before she just shrugs it off or ignores.
went shopping today.. i got a book of poems... called solitude... oh yeah.. then a grilling book for my dad for fathers day and a hidden picture puzzle book. i was gonna get two magazines: paste and Ms. but i thot i was already spending enough money..
yeah i think thats all i got.
cant remember what else to say or whatever..
Saturday, June 16, 2007
i feel like a complete idiot.. so i read an article in our crappy newspaper, a couple of days ago. about kroger pulling a glbt related newpaper off their shelves. that pissed me off so bad. so i want to now boycott kroger. the only problem is thats like the only place to grocery shop here. so i am still going to try to do that shopping elsewhere. and then i decided to create a facebook group on this subject. i feel dumb since i did that. of course no one is going to join. i really dont care, but i just feel stupid..
monday i have a civil service test in columbus, about an hour and 15 minute drive from where i live. oh its at 8:30 in the am. i was able to arrange to drive up to my sister's place and stay the night there, by myself, sunday and then drive from her place to the testing site. i still cant make a decision. if i dont go sunday nite, i have to get up around 6am or something. personally i would rather not go and reapply for another test date. and take my chances ... if its at 8:30 again, then maybe it will be different circumstances than now i dont know. so i told my mom i am still not sure. and that i really dont wanna do it anyways. i am not even sure it is an ideal job...its called data processor 1. but yeah.. i keep telling her that i am really scared when i drive. i am so 'not there' while i am behind the wheel, in a daze, just not paying much attention..or something.. but everytime i tell her, she really doesnt respond.
then my dad and mom were talking.. and my dad couldnt remember the last time he didnt 'something'. so my mom was like, you cant remember? ***, I am worried about you. Everytime these situations come up, i always chime in.. oh well, i have that all the time or do that all the time.. not sure where i am going with this. but its completely normal for a 54 year old to forget things. but me, a 23 year old, who doesnt have a busy life.. thats not normal... but whatever.. like i said before she just shrugs it off or ignores.
went shopping today.. i got a book of poems... called solitude... oh yeah.. then a grilling book for my dad for fathers day and a hidden picture puzzle book. i was gonna get two magazines: paste and Ms. but i thot i was already spending enough money..
yeah i think thats all i got.
cant remember what else to say or whatever..
Friday, June 15, 2007
Animals
wow! i have rescued or helped dogs, rabbits, cats, birds, and now turtles! yes, you could say i am an animal lover.
okay! so some background..my grandparents have two dogs. big dogs. for the past couple of days, one of the dogs, bambi, has been spending a lot of time under their back porch. its dark and dirty under there. so i wanted to go over there yesterday (thursday) and see the dogs. my grandma said i could come over, but she said bambi (my favorite) wouldnt come out from under the porch. they suspected there was an animal under there. so she wanted me to look. so i went over and got a flashlight and looked under the porch. all i could see was this hoof-like object. and of course, that didnt make sense, so we will didnt know what it was. my grandma kept saying how sometime the neighbor's dog get a toy through the fence into their yard, or she thought maybe it was a ham bone that skip, the other dog, buried and bambi found it. i still said it looks like a hoof and it wasnt a bone. it kind of looked like a mini nerf football toy. so i couldnt figure it out and left. today i went over and my grandma said bambi stayed out all nite and wouldnt come in. so obviously she was outside under the porch the whole night, with this thing... so i looked under there once more, with a better flashlight, and still thought the same thing. my grandma asked if i could reach it with a rake or something similar. i was like, yeah probably. so i used a rake and got it out. it was definately a turltle shell!! and it was really bizarre looking. i have never seen anything like it. the shell was kind of dark brownish and had yellow/mustard colored markings on it. it was as big as my hand, maybe larger. i didnt wanna pick it up with my bare hands, so i used some rubber gloves. and my grandma and i looked at it up close. she wouldnt touch it ;). i thought it was dead. it was just a shell. it wasnt hollow. but i didnt see any openings for a head or legs/feet. obviously i dont know my turtle anatomy. soooo... my grandpa looked at it and put it out in the grass by the driveway. he thought he would leave it out overnite and maybe the turtle would still be alive. or something. i was like...okay, well don't throw it out because i wanna show it to my dad. i thot it was dead, completely.. i had taken oscar, my dog, over there. so in the meantime, by dog got out of the house. i was pissed. there is really nothing two old 80+ year olds can do. so he ran down the driveway. but was sniffing at the bushes in their yard. so it wasnt a complete fiasco. i was definately scared, but it turned out fine. when my dog was out of the house, my grandma called my mom. and of course my mom drove over here, she was freaked out as well. okay.. so me, my mom, grandma and grandpa was in the kitchen. my grandpa was looking out the kitchen window. all of a sudden he got all excited and was like, basically making all of us go outside. i dont think i have seen my grandpa move so fast... but the turtle had moved. which is funny, cus turtles are slow.. so my grandpa really didnt need to 'run'. so... my grandpa suspected in came around their house bc of the pool in the backyard. but its covered up. so i have no idea where it came from or how bambi got a hold of it. so my grandpa thought he needed to be near water or in water. so i offered to take him, the turtle, out to the park... soo.. we put him in a plastic grocery bag. he went into his shell. but when my mom and i were headed to the park, it started moving and was making holes in the bag. my mom was laughing at me and i was screeching and freaking out. then i saw one of his limbs stick out of the bag and then these CLAWS!!! i was like really freaking out. cus my mom said he might bite. and then when all this was happening, she was like... he's not gonna bite you. lol whatever. so i made mom stop the car and we put him in the truck. it either went to the bathroom or threw up in the bag, cus there was stuff in it. his head, and two front limbs were sticking out of three different holes. so yeah. put him in the truck. when we got out to the park, he was almost out of the bag. i am surprised.. i would have thot he would be scared and shut himself in his shell. but nooo... so i made sure he got into the water... i brought my camera along. but after the fiasco with it in the car, i was like, screw it! i had to get rid of the thing... no time for pictures. i wish i would have gotten one. cus i wanna know what kind it is. also before we took it out to the park. i seriously thought about keeping it. so i tried getting my mom's attention, and asked. and she was like. NO... we can't-they give off diseases. then i was like, well we could take it too the vet and clean it up.. like shots or something. but it didnt work. i rescued that turtle, and i wanted to keep it.. so thats my story..
okay! so some background..my grandparents have two dogs. big dogs. for the past couple of days, one of the dogs, bambi, has been spending a lot of time under their back porch. its dark and dirty under there. so i wanted to go over there yesterday (thursday) and see the dogs. my grandma said i could come over, but she said bambi (my favorite) wouldnt come out from under the porch. they suspected there was an animal under there. so she wanted me to look. so i went over and got a flashlight and looked under the porch. all i could see was this hoof-like object. and of course, that didnt make sense, so we will didnt know what it was. my grandma kept saying how sometime the neighbor's dog get a toy through the fence into their yard, or she thought maybe it was a ham bone that skip, the other dog, buried and bambi found it. i still said it looks like a hoof and it wasnt a bone. it kind of looked like a mini nerf football toy. so i couldnt figure it out and left. today i went over and my grandma said bambi stayed out all nite and wouldnt come in. so obviously she was outside under the porch the whole night, with this thing... so i looked under there once more, with a better flashlight, and still thought the same thing. my grandma asked if i could reach it with a rake or something similar. i was like, yeah probably. so i used a rake and got it out. it was definately a turltle shell!! and it was really bizarre looking. i have never seen anything like it. the shell was kind of dark brownish and had yellow/mustard colored markings on it. it was as big as my hand, maybe larger. i didnt wanna pick it up with my bare hands, so i used some rubber gloves. and my grandma and i looked at it up close. she wouldnt touch it ;). i thought it was dead. it was just a shell. it wasnt hollow. but i didnt see any openings for a head or legs/feet. obviously i dont know my turtle anatomy. soooo... my grandpa looked at it and put it out in the grass by the driveway. he thought he would leave it out overnite and maybe the turtle would still be alive. or something. i was like...okay, well don't throw it out because i wanna show it to my dad. i thot it was dead, completely.. i had taken oscar, my dog, over there. so in the meantime, by dog got out of the house. i was pissed. there is really nothing two old 80+ year olds can do. so he ran down the driveway. but was sniffing at the bushes in their yard. so it wasnt a complete fiasco. i was definately scared, but it turned out fine. when my dog was out of the house, my grandma called my mom. and of course my mom drove over here, she was freaked out as well. okay.. so me, my mom, grandma and grandpa was in the kitchen. my grandpa was looking out the kitchen window. all of a sudden he got all excited and was like, basically making all of us go outside. i dont think i have seen my grandpa move so fast... but the turtle had moved. which is funny, cus turtles are slow.. so my grandpa really didnt need to 'run'. so... my grandpa suspected in came around their house bc of the pool in the backyard. but its covered up. so i have no idea where it came from or how bambi got a hold of it. so my grandpa thought he needed to be near water or in water. so i offered to take him, the turtle, out to the park... soo.. we put him in a plastic grocery bag. he went into his shell. but when my mom and i were headed to the park, it started moving and was making holes in the bag. my mom was laughing at me and i was screeching and freaking out. then i saw one of his limbs stick out of the bag and then these CLAWS!!! i was like really freaking out. cus my mom said he might bite. and then when all this was happening, she was like... he's not gonna bite you. lol whatever. so i made mom stop the car and we put him in the truck. it either went to the bathroom or threw up in the bag, cus there was stuff in it. his head, and two front limbs were sticking out of three different holes. so yeah. put him in the truck. when we got out to the park, he was almost out of the bag. i am surprised.. i would have thot he would be scared and shut himself in his shell. but nooo... so i made sure he got into the water... i brought my camera along. but after the fiasco with it in the car, i was like, screw it! i had to get rid of the thing... no time for pictures. i wish i would have gotten one. cus i wanna know what kind it is. also before we took it out to the park. i seriously thought about keeping it. so i tried getting my mom's attention, and asked. and she was like. NO... we can't-they give off diseases. then i was like, well we could take it too the vet and clean it up.. like shots or something. but it didnt work. i rescued that turtle, and i wanted to keep it.. so thats my story..
started at 11:08pm
11:10pm**
Thursday, June 14, 2007
watching half nelson at the moment.
im at the scene where the teacher is at his parents/family's house for dinner. he sitting there just observing. he is depressed, i believe. the parents are talking to the brother and DIL. the mom then is about to say something to the teacher, her son. but then the father chimes in about something. so she never finished her thought. reminds me of me. i just sit there whenever there is company or whatever over. like i am so depressed, but no one will notice. i dont know. this scene really hits home.
more later..maybe...
edit- 11:55pm
so there was another scene...dre, the teacher's student. delivered some drugs to the teacher. yeah you have to see the movie.. but that part was powerful.. really..
but good movie. Half Nelson, look it up.
I feel like cutting who nows what i will do. whatever.. you're a chicken, you really are
edit, again-12:59am
so today....what did i do today?
got up around 12:15. had a huge headache. i always get the same type of headaches if i have been in bed too long. so yeah had that.. started my period. no idea that was coming. i say that cus usually a week or so, my moods change and this time, nothing.. maybe its bc my mood is changing because of other shit. or i cant get any moodier that now.. i dont know. then i had to go pick of some strawberries and mail some things for my mom. came home and sat on my ass and played with the dog. then around 6 my mom and i went out to eat. then i came home and went to my grandparents. then i came home and watched half nelson.
i called the state to see if i could reschedule my test on monday. its at 8:30 in the morning. it takes around 1.25 hours to get there. id have to get up around 5:30 6 o'clock. and i drive on my own. not good. but no one called me back..had to leave a msg. then i got this idea that i would drive up to my sister's place sunday, stay the nite, then drive like 10 minutes to the site and come home. but not sure if i am going to do that. no idea if we have a key to her place, cus shell be gone...
called the mental health center here. still got nowhere. left a msg with dawn, who is supposedly my case manager. she never called back. then i got a letter in the mail saying i have a psych evaluation with the psych there. sometime in july. i guess thats good. cus i was thinking i wouldnt be able to see the psych until like next year. cus they all told me that he books up months in advance. but what pisses me off, is they sent a mailing, why couldnt they have just called me.?? or said something to me when i called earlier. ? wth, stupid town/people.
i am gonna try to call tomorrow, both places. ha, i am setting my alarm so i can get up and watch price is right, bob's last show. damn, i have no life. but knowing me, even that wont get me outta bed. wtfe...
yeah im done..
----------
SI Trigger WARNING and maybe TMI...
so i cut. not sure why, but i did. if i wouldnt have done it, it would have been racking my brains until i did it. did that make sense? i was in the bathroom and was thinking..should i cut or not? i just did it. after i wiped the blood up, there werent even gashes on my skin, looked like little paper cuts. god, im a failure at cutting myself. i dont know. but the cuts i made today are nothing compared to the others there.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
watching half nelson at the moment.
im at the scene where the teacher is at his parents/family's house for dinner. he sitting there just observing. he is depressed, i believe. the parents are talking to the brother and DIL. the mom then is about to say something to the teacher, her son. but then the father chimes in about something. so she never finished her thought. reminds me of me. i just sit there whenever there is company or whatever over. like i am so depressed, but no one will notice. i dont know. this scene really hits home.
more later..maybe...
edit- 11:55pm
so there was another scene...dre, the teacher's student. delivered some drugs to the teacher. yeah you have to see the movie.. but that part was powerful.. really..
but good movie. Half Nelson, look it up.
I feel like cutting who nows what i will do. whatever.. you're a chicken, you really are
edit, again-12:59am
so today....what did i do today?
got up around 12:15. had a huge headache. i always get the same type of headaches if i have been in bed too long. so yeah had that.. started my period. no idea that was coming. i say that cus usually a week or so, my moods change and this time, nothing.. maybe its bc my mood is changing because of other shit. or i cant get any moodier that now.. i dont know. then i had to go pick of some strawberries and mail some things for my mom. came home and sat on my ass and played with the dog. then around 6 my mom and i went out to eat. then i came home and went to my grandparents. then i came home and watched half nelson.
i called the state to see if i could reschedule my test on monday. its at 8:30 in the morning. it takes around 1.25 hours to get there. id have to get up around 5:30 6 o'clock. and i drive on my own. not good. but no one called me back..had to leave a msg. then i got this idea that i would drive up to my sister's place sunday, stay the nite, then drive like 10 minutes to the site and come home. but not sure if i am going to do that. no idea if we have a key to her place, cus shell be gone...
called the mental health center here. still got nowhere. left a msg with dawn, who is supposedly my case manager. she never called back. then i got a letter in the mail saying i have a psych evaluation with the psych there. sometime in july. i guess thats good. cus i was thinking i wouldnt be able to see the psych until like next year. cus they all told me that he books up months in advance. but what pisses me off, is they sent a mailing, why couldnt they have just called me.?? or said something to me when i called earlier. ? wth, stupid town/people.
i am gonna try to call tomorrow, both places. ha, i am setting my alarm so i can get up and watch price is right, bob's last show. damn, i have no life. but knowing me, even that wont get me outta bed. wtfe...
yeah im done..
----------
SI Trigger WARNING and maybe TMI...
so i cut. not sure why, but i did. if i wouldnt have done it, it would have been racking my brains until i did it. did that make sense? i was in the bathroom and was thinking..should i cut or not? i just did it. after i wiped the blood up, there werent even gashes on my skin, looked like little paper cuts. god, im a failure at cutting myself. i dont know. but the cuts i made today are nothing compared to the others there.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
not good..
i have an account on daily strength.org i just posted this.. dont feel like editing it.. so yeah..
so i thot there was a thread on here where you could just vent or something.. i couldnt find it..so im sorry i am having to make a new topic..
i was feeling neutral. but then while i was on facebook i started looking at all my 'friends' and then their friends. right after looking at like two profiles, i got this sickening feeling and feeling of sadness. i need someone so bad right now. im not really sure what triggered it, but yeah.. and sometimes i tend to set myself up. i dont know.
i just need someone so bad. im thinking about all kinds of things. like relationships. i used to go on online dating sites. but now i cant. i dont know what i like, male or female. i am not even interested in that. i guess i am just interested in a friend..
no one has time for me online. i used to talk to a lot of ppl last year or before. but now i dont talk to anyone. my aim list is getting smaller and smaller. i will im someone and then they have to go, or i will im someone, and i havent talked to them in a long time (whethere i knew them in person or not), and i wont know what to say. its not gonna help to say, oh i feel depressed. i dont know.
the mental health clinic hasnt called. i need to call tomorrow. i set my alarm for 9,45.. lol doubt i will get up. ill end up letting it go off until it stops beeping..just like every other morning..
so yeah.. sorry for this..
if anyone has aol im you can im me::: Faerie Godess22
so i thot there was a thread on here where you could just vent or something.. i couldnt find it..so im sorry i am having to make a new topic..
i was feeling neutral. but then while i was on facebook i started looking at all my 'friends' and then their friends. right after looking at like two profiles, i got this sickening feeling and feeling of sadness. i need someone so bad right now. im not really sure what triggered it, but yeah.. and sometimes i tend to set myself up. i dont know.
i just need someone so bad. im thinking about all kinds of things. like relationships. i used to go on online dating sites. but now i cant. i dont know what i like, male or female. i am not even interested in that. i guess i am just interested in a friend..
no one has time for me online. i used to talk to a lot of ppl last year or before. but now i dont talk to anyone. my aim list is getting smaller and smaller. i will im someone and then they have to go, or i will im someone, and i havent talked to them in a long time (whethere i knew them in person or not), and i wont know what to say. its not gonna help to say, oh i feel depressed. i dont know.
the mental health clinic hasnt called. i need to call tomorrow. i set my alarm for 9,45.. lol doubt i will get up. ill end up letting it go off until it stops beeping..just like every other morning..
so yeah.. sorry for this..
if anyone has aol im you can im me::: Faerie Godess22
Monday, June 11, 2007
8:16pm
i feel like i havent written in awhile. not much to write about. only things to write on are my worthless, waste, depressing feelings, etc.etc.
got up around 12:15 today. set my alarm for 10:30.. just let it go off. didnt bother turning it off. i think i made some phone calls. i called the bvr person. i dont have my notebook with me. but i have kept track of all the contacts i have made with the mh clinic, bvr, jobs, etc.etc. finally got a hold of her today. i mentioned the date we last talk, may 3. she was like yes, i talk to you then and said i would call the vocational testing place. which she did. but they werent there, so she left a msg, and they never called, and then she never followed through with it. she apologized, but i just said, uh-huh. so i suggested we make an appt for us to talk about things. she doesnt have anything until july 2. and that was that. then when i got off, i thot i should have said other things. called again, twice, then left another voicemail. ill trying calling tomorrow tho. but i want to know what i should do in the meantime, and i am going to explain all the times i have tried contacting her and never got any response.. etc.etc. then i played with my dog some. sat on the couch.. then lied back down, in bed. that was around 3. then got up around 6 for supper. ..
my mom was saying how my grandpa is depressed. i guess he depressed that he is getting old and cant do stuff like he used to and depressed about whats going on in the world. i 'jokingly' said, oh yay, now me and him and hang out. .. whenever i say these things, it like matter of factly or jokingly, but deep down i want someone to 'get it' and take my problems seriously. but my dad just said, oh yeah you both can have a club. ha, whatever.. then my dad was doing some weird things. and my mom said, i worry about you to my dad. and i said something like, well do i scare you when i do weird things.. ? i cant rememebr the exact thing we were talking about. but i think whatever my dad was doing, was scaring my mom. whatever. then i said my thing. and my mom said , no ***, i pretty much just phase you out.. or something like that. i was like.. oh.......thanks... so i dont know. it does make me feel like she is in denial or she just is sick of my problems. afterall, ever since early high school we have been to numerous drs and they all told us that i was fine. but i dont know. i guess she isnt taking me seriously. i have been wearing shorts and not covering up my cuts on my leg. but really nothing has come out of that. i dont think she 'gets' how bad it is. but who knows.. i secretly wish she would email her friends about me and be worried about. i have her password to her email. and check it every once and awhile.. but theres nothing there.
my mom was talking about how she wants to do a hawaiian cruise.. i think it would just be me and my parents or maybe just my parents. but i was like,.,.. oh, i think ill pass. yeah i wanna go. but not with my parents. that sounds horrible.. stuck on a cruise ship with my parents.. then she was saying shes gonna try to book a hotel in charleston, again. she cancelled the last trip she planned to there.. i thot, well maybe id go. but really that doesnt sound like fun.. i dont know.. i feel trapped.
i am driving up to columbus tomorrow to take a civil service exam. i signed up for four positions and have to go up three times. tomorrow is a mail clerk messenger exam. no idea, but i was supposedly qualified and im going to take it. cept i have to drive up with my dad.. its like one hour.. no i hope he doesnt bring up something touchy and then i end up fighting and getting upset.
this sucks..
got up around 12:15 today. set my alarm for 10:30.. just let it go off. didnt bother turning it off. i think i made some phone calls. i called the bvr person. i dont have my notebook with me. but i have kept track of all the contacts i have made with the mh clinic, bvr, jobs, etc.etc. finally got a hold of her today. i mentioned the date we last talk, may 3. she was like yes, i talk to you then and said i would call the vocational testing place. which she did. but they werent there, so she left a msg, and they never called, and then she never followed through with it. she apologized, but i just said, uh-huh. so i suggested we make an appt for us to talk about things. she doesnt have anything until july 2. and that was that. then when i got off, i thot i should have said other things. called again, twice, then left another voicemail. ill trying calling tomorrow tho. but i want to know what i should do in the meantime, and i am going to explain all the times i have tried contacting her and never got any response.. etc.etc. then i played with my dog some. sat on the couch.. then lied back down, in bed. that was around 3. then got up around 6 for supper. ..
my mom was saying how my grandpa is depressed. i guess he depressed that he is getting old and cant do stuff like he used to and depressed about whats going on in the world. i 'jokingly' said, oh yay, now me and him and hang out. .. whenever i say these things, it like matter of factly or jokingly, but deep down i want someone to 'get it' and take my problems seriously. but my dad just said, oh yeah you both can have a club. ha, whatever.. then my dad was doing some weird things. and my mom said, i worry about you to my dad. and i said something like, well do i scare you when i do weird things.. ? i cant rememebr the exact thing we were talking about. but i think whatever my dad was doing, was scaring my mom. whatever. then i said my thing. and my mom said , no ***, i pretty much just phase you out.. or something like that. i was like.. oh.......thanks... so i dont know. it does make me feel like she is in denial or she just is sick of my problems. afterall, ever since early high school we have been to numerous drs and they all told us that i was fine. but i dont know. i guess she isnt taking me seriously. i have been wearing shorts and not covering up my cuts on my leg. but really nothing has come out of that. i dont think she 'gets' how bad it is. but who knows.. i secretly wish she would email her friends about me and be worried about. i have her password to her email. and check it every once and awhile.. but theres nothing there.
my mom was talking about how she wants to do a hawaiian cruise.. i think it would just be me and my parents or maybe just my parents. but i was like,.,.. oh, i think ill pass. yeah i wanna go. but not with my parents. that sounds horrible.. stuck on a cruise ship with my parents.. then she was saying shes gonna try to book a hotel in charleston, again. she cancelled the last trip she planned to there.. i thot, well maybe id go. but really that doesnt sound like fun.. i dont know.. i feel trapped.
i am driving up to columbus tomorrow to take a civil service exam. i signed up for four positions and have to go up three times. tomorrow is a mail clerk messenger exam. no idea, but i was supposedly qualified and im going to take it. cept i have to drive up with my dad.. its like one hour.. no i hope he doesnt bring up something touchy and then i end up fighting and getting upset.
this sucks..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
